Is it depression...??
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Originally Posted by Ayers1995
No I need that focus because I didn't do that while seperated... like everyone advised me.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
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NOT to any surprise did she want to see me, but she wanted to discuss what to do with AH... Hello! I told her that I was not interested in couple counseling, that I wanted individual counseling b/c last time the focus was put on 'making the marriage work' instead of his alcohol addiction...
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: TX
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La Tee - To answer you, yes now I can see his control over me... and with my codependancy to try and make 'him' better, "I" quit my meds. AND he continued to drink. Should say continues. I find more and more hiding places every day.
Let me ask you all something.. I have been understandably distant to my husband because of issues in the past ever since I moved back in. I haven't been really loving and obsessed with making love. He can feel this tension between us. He'll sit me down to talk, but I am of course on the defense. He'll ask me what I need, want expect and all I really need, want and expect in addition to all the other things he's been working on - is for him not to be drinking. OR maybe it really is 'in my heart' too late. Now matter how my mind tries to make it work. These are triggers... for him to drink. Right? I believe that didn't cause it, can't cure it and I can't control it. So, whatever I do, I shouldn't be the one feeling responsible for him 'deciding' to get drunk. right! Just sort a clarifying or getting some answers.
Let me ask you all something.. I have been understandably distant to my husband because of issues in the past ever since I moved back in. I haven't been really loving and obsessed with making love. He can feel this tension between us. He'll sit me down to talk, but I am of course on the defense. He'll ask me what I need, want expect and all I really need, want and expect in addition to all the other things he's been working on - is for him not to be drinking. OR maybe it really is 'in my heart' too late. Now matter how my mind tries to make it work. These are triggers... for him to drink. Right? I believe that didn't cause it, can't cure it and I can't control it. So, whatever I do, I shouldn't be the one feeling responsible for him 'deciding' to get drunk. right! Just sort a clarifying or getting some answers.
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Ayers you bring up some good issues/challenges. Until YOU get into recovery for YOURSELF, you can't possibly tell him what you want, need etc because you don't know yourself, right now your entire focus and being is on him, getting him well, making him different, pushing him to change.
Your focus should be on GETTING YOU TO WELL, MAKING YOU DIFFERENT AND PUSHING YOURSELF TO CHANGE.
If he sits you down to talk and if you are ready and are working at it your own recovery you can address it. Right now you are in no position and in no right frame of mind to have these serious discussions with him. He wants a quick fix, "Honey, tell me what I can do" and you KNOW there is none. You are being pulled in two opposite directions ...... one way by yourself and the other way by him.
All of this will come in due time, but you need to start at the beginning, not in the middle. You've already told him HOW MANY TIMES about his drinking? Is he deaf? Did he not listen? Does he hope the answer will change? What is it? You have told him what you need, he refuses to do it, so now you need to do for yourself and leave him out of the loop.
Your focus should be on GETTING YOU TO WELL, MAKING YOU DIFFERENT AND PUSHING YOURSELF TO CHANGE.
If he sits you down to talk and if you are ready and are working at it your own recovery you can address it. Right now you are in no position and in no right frame of mind to have these serious discussions with him. He wants a quick fix, "Honey, tell me what I can do" and you KNOW there is none. You are being pulled in two opposite directions ...... one way by yourself and the other way by him.
All of this will come in due time, but you need to start at the beginning, not in the middle. You've already told him HOW MANY TIMES about his drinking? Is he deaf? Did he not listen? Does he hope the answer will change? What is it? You have told him what you need, he refuses to do it, so now you need to do for yourself and leave him out of the loop.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Ayers1995
These are triggers... for him to drink. Right?
Even if you were living in another country, he would identify "triggers" that were your fault. Until he is ready to assume ALL responsibility for his poor choices, he will remain in denial and blame anyone but himself. You just happen to be the closet person to blame.
You are not the cause of his drinking.
The kids are not, his job is not, his mother is not… so on and so on.
On a side note, when you quit your meds did you taper off or do a hard stop?
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Join Date: Feb 2006
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Thanks Judy, that post sort of lifted my spirits and start trying to find the beginning again and start from there. I have to figure out how to get some of his control over me and every move I make back.
He knows what he needs to do, not only for me, but for himself and for his kids. But he continues to find reason after reason not to do it.
I am going to email the counselor today and ask for a referral. Thnks to All.
He knows what he needs to do, not only for me, but for himself and for his kids. But he continues to find reason after reason not to do it.
I am going to email the counselor today and ask for a referral. Thnks to All.
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