Jazzman

Oh Ayers...
I deleted what I really wanted to say in my post yesterday because I didn't want to come off as too blunt. I didn't want you to have your feelings hurt then disappear again for a month or two. You need the support and your kids need you to get it.

He loves you? Nope... he doesn't. You are treated like a possession. People who love you don't treat you like that. And he loves alcohol more than he does himself. With his low self esteem he can't love anyone.

Your children are learning from the both of you, always watching and are destined to repeat the same behavior that is being instilled in them. Which future will it be for them? Alcoholism or codependency? Might as well toss a coin, who knows. You can stop this from happening to them. That's where you can draw your strength.

Here's some practical advice, file for divorce, temp spousal and child support and exclusive use of the marital home. You don't have to save money to move out or stay at your Mothers place again.

And, I doubt the Dr. can be of much help either. Stop treating the symptom and start working towards the cure. Who's worse off? The person who's chemically dependent on alcohol or the person who's chemically dependent on drugs to fake a life w/ an active alcoholic?

ASpouse

Of course not Jazz, that is MY job ..... what great friends I have here at SR! LOL

Sorry to take this OT Ayers!

minnie

Jazz - have I told you lately that I think you rock?

Jazzman

I don't feel like I rock...

Ayers don't disappear! You can do this!
Look around here and see the people that have been in your shoes and made it out the other side, alive and well!

ASpouse

I agree .... face this situation head on! You will feel so much better about yourself when you come out on the other side. I know you can do it, we've all done it!

pmaslan

How true that is when people disappear after hearing the
truth only to return later in worse shape.
Ayers you have admitted that your life has taken a turn for the
worse since you have moved back with your H.
I still don't understand why you did but now that you have,
what do you plan to do about it?
I think what Jazz suggested is a very good place to start.
You do not have to leave your home, but you do need to contact
an attorney ASAP in order to get that in place.
Nothing has changed with him since you came back....not one little thing.
The only thing that has changed is you are getting sicker and your
kids are getting abused by witnessing the madness....
I don't mean to be harsh but for god's sake you are all your kids have....
I hope you don't go underground again...but if you do I will pray for you.

Cynay

Wow hon... It does not take a doctor to tell you where all the depression and tiredness is coming from...

When I let myself get that controled, that abused then I get depressed too... they are right you know, if you start to take some strong positive actions I will be you that the depression will start to lift some. Please dont take off cuz I hear how much you need the support.

BTW.... as a child that grew up in an Alcholic home.... Your son is learning right now (with the comment he made) to be co-dependant.... in a MAJOR way... what 9 year old thinks about his moms bathing suit or his fathers jealousy.... not good. He is feeling like its his fault/responsibility, today to help fix but tommrow he will be trying so hard to control the situation and "save" Mom. Imagine for a moment what kind of hey day (horribly chaotic) some Alcoholic women will have with that type of "hero" to enable her....and he will, I did over and over again.

Ayers1995

This is sort of randomly answering some different questions and comments. I apoligize for it being so sparatic....

I will not go underground again. I disappeared for a while because I felt like I wasn't really giving my AH a chance while I was posting and reading and getting all sorts of advice. That "HE" could be different.

I can take the harshness, the bluntness, the sting. I agree with someone who posted about what's worse the alcoholic dependant on alcohol or me needing my medication to cope with the anxiety caused by living life unhappily. I am still going to the dr because I need to make sure nothing is seriously wrong. These changes in me have been a very quick change....

My reason for moving back home before was that I was having a hard time at my moms. My mom has emphysema and she was really getting frustrated with the kids. Also, at that time James was really doing good and I felt like it'd be ok to move back home. I thought i was strong enough to handle the circumstances if things weren't in fact changed...

As for hiring an attorney and getting the house. We filed bankruptcy 2 years ago and we have 10 months of payments left. I was trying to wait until that was paid off, the house isn't in good shape. It needs a lot of work. I didn't want it. I wanted to get into an apt or something, but I wanted to have some extra money saved up.

As for the kids. I can see that this is a bad situation, and that I need to change the situation. I do everything I can with my boys to help take their minds off of the stress at home. It is awful that a 9 yo doesn't want to hear his dad whining about his moms bathing suit... It's awful that he know's if I'm a few minutes late I'm going to catch it... My twins are clueless... they aren't as close to the situation... as atuned.

Ladies... I WILL change this pattern. It's not going to be easy...b/c I'm a stupid sucker for falling for all those lines.... BUT it will be my goal.

Please don't hold back on your thoughts... Don't have to tell some of you that... LOL>>> BUT.... I need them.

denny57

I disagree with this, Jazz. Maybe I'm coming from a place where my doctor has been extremely helpful to me. I also agree, though, because I don't think taking drugs to deal with an active alcoholic is the answer. Maybe I should have asked - Ayers - have you discussed with your doctor what is going on in your life? Once I told our doctor I was going to go to Al-Anon, everything changed with him. He is also my AH's doctor, so he never once questioned me why I needed to go. He became a very integral part of my recovery, encouraging me to this day.

Also, he does not believe in medication as the first answer to depression. He guided me to a great therapist who specializes in addictions and I also have a standing monthly appointment with my doctor for follow ups. I have a long, long way to go, but 10 months on I am in such a better place. So I do believe a Dr. can be very helpful to recovery.

JMHO

LaTeeDa

Stop it! No wonder you are depressed! You are being your own worst enemy. Please stop beating yourself up.

You know what you need to do. You can do it. Look how many people here have faith in you. Have a little faith in yourself. The past is in the past. The future will be what it will be. The only thing you need to be concerned about is NOW. If you do the next right thing here and now, in the PRESENT, the future will take care of itself. Learn from past mistakes and move on. Dwelling on them will only keep you miserable.

I'm cheering for ya.

L

ASpouse

Oh my God, if I counted the times I called myself a stupid sucker for falling for lines, well I'd be a babbling idiot by now .... oh wait a minute, I am a babbling idiot bahahahahaha!

Hey, take it easy and love yourself for what you are and who you are right now, at this very moment in time!

Jazzman

You're right Denny, it was my bad experience w/ DRs. that prescribe ADs like it's a friggen cure all. Like DRs in the 70s prescribed Valium because a patient said their job was stressful. Like DRs in the 90s that prescribed Ritalin to children because their parents said they were hyper. I've seen way too many "Doctors" prescribe the "in vogue drug du jor" at a drop of a hat, in an extremely irresponsible way.

I have found that doctors, like lawyers, sometimes need to be managed very carefully. Just be smart about it.

sunshine003

Ayers, we've all been there....heck, I still am in many ways. One thing I know for sure though is I will not allow anyone to control my life....I am in control of that.

Leaving or seperating doesn't mean forever. I know he'll tell you that but as you see, he doesn't mean anything he says. Like you, he doesn't know what he means either. Certainly, he'll pitch a fit and try everything in the book to guilt you or get you to do what he wants. It's up to you to take control once you decide what you want/need and live by it. Nothing he says can change that. If he threatens divorce, don't let that scare you. His words, threats, etc are only words.

Maybe you won't leave or ask him to leave. You can still take some control back and not give it all to him.

Ayers, decide what is most important to you right now and make a boundary of it.

meli2005

I have heard that Paxil can be sedating as well as Xanax. Also, I find sometimes if you are under a lot of stress you can be really fatigued as well and you have been thru a lot.

Ayers1995

Thanks everyone for your help. My dr is also my husbands dr, and my dr had told him 2 yrs ago that if he didn't quit drinking he was going to lose everything. At the time I went to my dr, and now... I was a basketcase. My I lost 20 lbs and weighed 109...within a very short pd of time. The medicine was prescribed to me for balancing me out, and to control the anxiety attacks and chest pains that I have. I had discontinued this medicine for a while, b/c my husband used it as an excuse for him to drink... but my chest would hurt all the time.

I am going to take back the reins of my life and the boys lives. Things have gotten so hectic that I am even getting in trouble at work now. (as of yesterday) So things really have got to change. I can't afford to lose my job or I will be stuck.

I emailed our counselor yesterday and updated her on our situation. NOT to any surprise did she want to see me, but she wanted to discuss what to do with AH... Hello! I told her that I was not interested in couple counseling, that I wanted individual counseling b/c last time the focus was put on 'making the marriage work' instead of his alcohol addiction... I believe I will get a referral from her, or seek someone on my own.

Anyway.. I need to get back to work. I will check back in at a later time...

ASpouse

Huh? You mean he drank because you were on medication for what sounds like severe anxiety and panic or he took your medication and drank with it?

Jazzman

Great news! Remember if you don't like your counselor try more until you find one you really like and connect with.

There's a reason they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first!

Ayers1995

No, I mean he drank and said that I had my medication... and his alcohol was his medication. Yes, I still have severe anxiety and panic attacks... just less often with the meds.

Yes, she wanted to see me b/c she knows 'his' history... being obsessive and controlling... but I am afraid the focus is still 'him' not 'me'. I need that focus because I didn't do that while seperated... like everyone advised me.

ASpouse

Oh brother! LOL That made me laugh, sorry. He has no idea how true those words are and like most prescription drugs for depression and anxiety, his medication is very addicting, as you can atest to.

LaTeeDa

So, just to clarify, you put your health and well-being at risk so that he wouldn't drink? And he still continued to drink? Is that about the size of it?

I'm not picking on you, Ayers. I just want you to see the extent of his control over you. I know it helped me when people here would point out the facts of the situation when I was minimizing them.

Good news about the counseling. As Jazz said, you can keep shopping till you find someone who will help you.

L