feelingalone

It's nearing midnight and I'm sleeping on the couch. Why? Because after two drunken bouts of my AH, I would rather stare directly into the sun burning my corneas than to look at my husband.

Let me tell you my story. I have introduced myself many months back, but then I got caught up in the delusion of change only to discover I was only being delusional and now I'm back! I have been married to my husband for 8 1/2 years. We have two children, both boys, ages 4 and 6. I always felt my husband drank too much, but it wasn't something I thought was completely out of control. I thought his father was an alcoholic and always feared he would cross the line one day. "One day" finally came, although now I'm not sure when. The last 8 months have been just short of hell. I quit trying to balance the checking account, since he would never tell me of all his debits - it was and is quite pointless. I opened our statement and realize he's been spending about $250 a month at the liquor store! He was punched our refrigerator, denting it. He's punched the wall in two places, denting in the first place and going through the drywall in the other. He's fallen and he head has went through the drywall in a third place. And most recently, he punched our bathroom door, putting a hole in it. I "left" him once. It wasn't really leaving, but it was the first time I said I was going, and actually went somewhere. I took the boys and went out of town. Only one friend knew. I was scared to death of what he was doing....if he was going to drive drunk and hurt someone else or himself...if he was going to make it to work or not. (I have been a sahm...so his income is our only income.) I came back after just one night away to learn leaving had backfired on me. He wouldn't speak to me. He was furious that I had left. Mind you, this was immediately after the refrigerator and drywall incidences - none of which he thought of. Only recently have I broken down and told my closest friends of my hell. I had made the decision I would leave. I will have a job soon. I was planning to stash away money and wait until I could give my boys the smoothest transition possible. I have called his parents - asking them to talk to him...only to **** him off. Oh, he'll say, what are you going to do leave me, you've proved you'll do that so go ahead. The house is in my name, so it looks like you'll be needing to find a place to stay. What an ass!

I have read and read and read until I am blue in the face. I understand this is a disease, and I would like to think the public in general understands that, but I am not at all convinced. I am worried others won't allow their children to come over and play with mine, that we would forever have a label. I have also read that we should be patient, understanding, not condescending, etc. etc. So what does this mean? I should be his verbal punching bag? I should be able to take it?

I have gained weight rapidly in the past 8 months. I am not happy with myself. I medicate myself with food I guess. I am not blaming him, it's my problem. I need to find a different way to deal with my issues, I'm handling things in this department as poorly as he is I know. Now, though, I get all the fat comments hurled at me. "You're so fat you look pregnant!.....I can wear your clothes! etc. etc. etc" Be patient? Do not be condesending? I have never said such hateful or harmful things to him before....not before today. I could take no more, and I let him have it. I more or less told him how I felt, and didn't hold back. I poured out his liquor...it was Sunday, I thought I could use the reprieve - he found enough beer to do him in. I didn't feel any better after the rant, but you know what - the jerk still wanted sex.

I have a HUGE question....how do I get him to just leave me alone?? He'll get drunk then wants me to lay down with him - whether it's 10am or 7 pm (he works shiftwork which further complicates the matter!) He'll go on and on with me....basically wanting sex. I would rather eat dirt. How can I be patient? He is completely irrational, but I am supposed to be the voice of reason?? What about me? I'm so tired of dumping all this on my friends. I feel like I am the party-pooper...everything always seems so glum and doom or either I just lie.

I've also read about relapses. Provided my AH gets help and quits (which seems many moons away at this point, if at all) what about relapses? Is it selfish of me to not ever want or have to deal with this at all?

I am so mad, hurt, angry, worried, disgusted, aggravated, tired, hopeless.....
I want to be happy. I don't want to have to baby-sit an adult. I don't want to look back on my life with regret and disgust. I just want him to stop, but he won't. I just want to be happy. Why does that seem so foreign??

And I could go on and on... but I'm tired. I'm tired of my story...I just want a new one....

LaTeeDa

OMG. I can relate to so many things in your story. Mine dented the sheetrock, too. After I kicked him out, he came back and repaired it cause I was selling the house. All he could talk about was what a good job he did fixing it. Never mind he was the one who messed it up to begin with!

Anyway, I was not a sahm, so my story is different. (Actually, I was when my kids were younger, but went back to work) All you can do is learn what you face and make decisions based on your options. First thing I would suggest is reading "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty. Next, find an Alanon meeting or a counselor who specializes in addiction. Once you know what you are up against, you can make rational decisions. When the pain of status quo outweighs the pain of changing, you will make a change. Best to make a well-informed change rather than a hasty one. Best wishes, and keep coming back. It's not an instant process.

L

fartheralong

Welcome back to SR, feelingalone. I'm sorry you're going through this and yes it is overwhelming at times--the chaos, the maddness, the sick, sick cycle that it seems we all go through. until we've had enough.

This really stood out to me. If you want a new story, then write a new one. No one else can write it for you. Only YOU, and you alone have that power.

I'll share my story with you, to take or leave as you will.

I recently filed for divorce from my husband of 11+ years, the man that was my best friend since i was 15. For the last eight plus years I've been a SAHM. I stayed after realizing he was an alcoholic, 1) out of not knowing better and falling into the enabling thing 2) because I thought families should be units, not fractured (denying it was already broken). Believing he'd get better, he'd get sober, he'd really do it 'this time'. Like you, I listened, and believed, and then finally just had enough. (there were lots of things that led up to the 'enough'). And I HATED the 'guilt-trip' for no sex, by the way, been there and done that. They do what they want, and will manipulate ANYONE, to get what they want be it booze or sex, putting you down to whittle at your self esteem--whatever.

I don't know what to tell you. Nothing will change if nothing changes. I know the idea of being 'out there' in the real world again was absolutely terrifying, but I'm getting better and am even a bit excited now. I realize I'm not as outdated, or out of the loop as I might have thought. I'm currently waiting on school to start so I can substitute teach, or get an aide job and then this year get certified. I've also been on line ALL DAY long looking at federal jobs, and human resource jobs and clerical jobs and USDA jobs and any other job i've come across. Granted, I'm not qualified for a good many, but a lot I AM qualified for. In the last month, I've learned there are programs out there to help single mothers get on their feet, housing, childcare, even nutrional help, should any of that come to pass, even insurance.

It's not easy, and I'm terrified half the time that I'm so gonna screw up--hahaha. But then I realize it's just fear of the unknown, fear of the 'new', but it's not nearly as weary on me, or the boys (5&7) as dealing with the fear of things never changing of constantly living and dealing with an active alcoholic that has no real desire to change his lifestyle.

What you choose to do is up to you. My advice would 1) Set some boundries and stick to them. IF you leave and plan to come back, state clearly you're taking the kids until he cools off and you'll see him later. If you mean to actually leave him, then coming back sort of invalidates that. Boundries, for me, were very, very hard. 2) Next, you might want to check with a lawyer, a good lawyer. FL, like TX, I believe is a 'no-fault' state where things are generally spilt equally as far as they can be. You might get hte house afterall, you never know. Or at least equity out of it. Worth a free consulation anyway.

Not sure if you've read it, but I've found: Co Dependent No More by Melanie Beattie (sp?) and The Alcoholic Marriage (Al-anon book) to be very helpful. there are others, but I can't think of the titles.

Good luck to you and keep posting.
REMEMBER the three 'c's: You didn't Cause it. You cannot Control it. You cannot Cure it.

Hugs,
FA

prodigal

We all have our breaking points. Get a job. Get out. File for a divorce. Also, take your children and just get outta that house ASAP. I have lived with being followed from room to room, being pawed in bed, leaving the bed, sleeping on a sofa in the basement, waking up at 4 am to have him sitting on the sofa next to me just staring - YIKES!!! How did I get him to leave me alone? I spent the night at a hotel. I just grabbed a suitcase full of necessities and hauled it outta the house. At that point, when it became totally insane, my AH was spending about $1,000 a month on booze. Yep, he wanted to drink only the best so he didn't get the wicked hangovers.

Florida is not a community property state. Did he buy the house before you were married or after you were married? Is your name on the deed of title to the house? In an equity state, you are still entitled to an equitable share of marital property. That includes anything he has accumulated during your marriage, which is based on your contributions to the marriage (caring for house and children) and what a judge would consider equitable. You have been staying home caring for children, and the court does not look kindly on a man cutting off his wife and kids from support. If you need additional training and/or education to at least have a comparable level of living after you leave him, a good attorney will see you get it. Don't worry about lawyer's fees because generally those fees are ironed out in a separation agreement and paid by the spouse who works.

All states (except New York) or no-fault states now. Generally, the only basis for fault is adultery, desertion, and living apart for a specified period of time (which means irreconciliable differences). No-fault grounds are still grounds, but not in the sense that one needs to have a trial with witnesses to obtain a divorce.

I hope you have family and/or friends you can stay with temporarily until you get back on your feet. Should you decide to stay, you will still need an exit strategy if he starts punching holes in walls and household appliances again. I think I would suggest you have a good escape plan. There is a good chance he may start punching you when he gets ticked off! Please take care of yourself and your children first! Leave him to take care of his addiction if he so desires.

feelingalone

Thanks to you all for you caring and compassion. It's scary, I guess, because honestly I was not expecting to hear the 'leave him' kinds of posts. I'm feeling backed in a corner without a better alternative. As for now, I have a job I'll be starting soon. I am a teacher. Imagine that - my career will be to educate young minds, yet I cannot make rational decisions myself. I never wanted to feel kept or trapped, so I finished school shortly before the birth of our first son. I am currently half finished with my master's degree and still going strong there.

Looking at my life, we have such the idealic fauscade going on. We live in a modest home - it's only a few years old and in a wonderful neighborhood. We appear to have it all. I do not think my family really knows anything. They may suspect from time to time, but that's where it ends. Today I feel a little empowered - I stuck to my guns and did not go to bed. I woke up and he was on the other sofa watching TV, so I went to bed. When he came to bed, I got back on the sofa. He came back in here (no drinking at this time) and asked "you can't be in the bed with me" to which I replied, " yes, I can be, but I choose not to be." He left me alone. When he's sober, he'll do that. I am going out today to purchase that book you all recommended and get me some new career clothes.

My AH was my high-school sweetheart, the only guy that I really dated. I don't know how to not be with him. It's a hard thing to wrap my brain around. How come I know what needs to happen, what I want to happen, but just can't seem to make it happen?

I want a healthy and strong relationship with my children when they are adults. I do not want to set them up for failure, nor do I want them to resent me as adults. When I think about this, I get so furious with my AH - how could he do this to us?? Why?? Why should I have to uproot my children from their friends and school??? Ugh, I could go on with the pity-party all day to no avail. So, today I'll take a step. I'm getting ready for my new life. I'm not entirely sure how all this will come to be, what all will be new, but it is a step....a step.

Oh, and by the way, the comment about staying because family units shouldn't be broken - wow, did that hit home. That's sooo ME! I always told him once I told my family, it would be over. At that point, I'd be done. I am so close to that conversation...closer than ever before.

To answer another question, everything we have was acquired after our marriage. We are young - late 20s, so we started with nothing.

Thanks to you all again!

fa

Cynay

Congrads on your first step. Dont feel bad that its not life altering .... its a step and that is the only thing we can do... one step at a time.

Im not sure if you do have to uproot the children at all, you say everything the two of you have is during the marriage.... when your ready you might want to talk to an attorney about that cuz Im thinking there is a good chance that you could stay in the house.

One thing that is true for me is that matters of the heart dont always match logic or matters of th mind. I think we all know at some point that the life we are living is maddness, but my heart kept saying "I love him" it took me along time to understand that feelings are just feelings and will pass. Dont take that wrong, I did love him very much... I just learned to love myself more and would not teach my daughter that it is ok to be treated that way. It would kill me to see my daughter in that abusive relationship and think that I was the one that taught her that was ok.

You dont have to make a decision today about anything. You are taking a first step and you should be proud of yourself for that.