NEED SOME ADVICE (longish)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: AUSTRALIA
Posts: 18
NEED SOME ADVICE (longish)
hi everyone,
i am new to this forum.
i am not a drug/alcohol user but i am a family member of one...the sister of one..i am not here to judge and i am not here to bag or discriminate against anyone!
i have been doing a bit of research on the internet, to find out more about addiction and about the denial behind addiction.
i havent found much but i have found these forums and hopefully i can get some answeres from users as opposed to people who have done a bit of research.
as i stated above, i am the sister of a drug user. my brother has been seing a counsellor for 5 months now and has been clean for that long up until 2 weeks ago, where he has been using on a daily basis. i am not sure as to what he is using but it involves aluminium foil, and spoons....im guessing either crystal meth, speed, coke or even ice or heroin. we (parents and i) had a chat to him last nite, and he told us that he is capable of quitting on his own and that it is a phase that he is going thru, and that its just to fill up his spare time and to have some fun...
is there no other things to do in life to spend and kill some time anymore? what has this world come to? my idea of having fun is going to sunday markets, going for long drives to places i have yet to see in my state, going to a soccer match or a football match, going to watch some sports, going out for catch up coffee with friends, going shopping, the list just goes on and on ... just simply getting involved with life... am i a boring person?
i just wanted to ask, is this a form of denial? is saying that its a passing phase and that he has to get it out of his system a form of denial and stubborn ness.... he keeps saying that he thinks he doesnt have a problem and that he knows that he can quit and he can stop whenever he wants so its ok for him to use...for the last week he has been using on a daily basis...my parents are just about to crack and have a nervous breakdown...my parents have offered to send him over to Greece for a long holiday, and he says that he doesnt want to go.. i asked him..is it because u will be missing out on something here? we have no idea how to explain to him that he has a problem, i have tried to explain to him that a having a problem what ever the size of it, is a problem. everyone's problems are different whether they are large or small ... how do we make him see that he has a problem and he needs support to get clean, and not just do it on his own...as he says he can ...
please help...i am going to print this out to him and let him read it...thank u in advance
glamachic
i am new to this forum.
i am not a drug/alcohol user but i am a family member of one...the sister of one..i am not here to judge and i am not here to bag or discriminate against anyone!
i have been doing a bit of research on the internet, to find out more about addiction and about the denial behind addiction.
i havent found much but i have found these forums and hopefully i can get some answeres from users as opposed to people who have done a bit of research.
as i stated above, i am the sister of a drug user. my brother has been seing a counsellor for 5 months now and has been clean for that long up until 2 weeks ago, where he has been using on a daily basis. i am not sure as to what he is using but it involves aluminium foil, and spoons....im guessing either crystal meth, speed, coke or even ice or heroin. we (parents and i) had a chat to him last nite, and he told us that he is capable of quitting on his own and that it is a phase that he is going thru, and that its just to fill up his spare time and to have some fun...
is there no other things to do in life to spend and kill some time anymore? what has this world come to? my idea of having fun is going to sunday markets, going for long drives to places i have yet to see in my state, going to a soccer match or a football match, going to watch some sports, going out for catch up coffee with friends, going shopping, the list just goes on and on ... just simply getting involved with life... am i a boring person?
i just wanted to ask, is this a form of denial? is saying that its a passing phase and that he has to get it out of his system a form of denial and stubborn ness.... he keeps saying that he thinks he doesnt have a problem and that he knows that he can quit and he can stop whenever he wants so its ok for him to use...for the last week he has been using on a daily basis...my parents are just about to crack and have a nervous breakdown...my parents have offered to send him over to Greece for a long holiday, and he says that he doesnt want to go.. i asked him..is it because u will be missing out on something here? we have no idea how to explain to him that he has a problem, i have tried to explain to him that a having a problem what ever the size of it, is a problem. everyone's problems are different whether they are large or small ... how do we make him see that he has a problem and he needs support to get clean, and not just do it on his own...as he says he can ...
please help...i am going to print this out to him and let him read it...thank u in advance
glamachic
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Welcome!
Some more people will come along, theres not too many here now.
First, you really cant make him see he has a problem, and while it sounds troublesome to me, maybe he doesnt think he has one.
The important thing is this..is it a problem for you?
Read the stickies at the top, theres lots of useful info in them!
Hope you keep posting!
Some more people will come along, theres not too many here now.
First, you really cant make him see he has a problem, and while it sounds troublesome to me, maybe he doesnt think he has one.
The important thing is this..is it a problem for you?
Read the stickies at the top, theres lots of useful info in them!
Hope you keep posting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: AUSTRALIA
Posts: 18
the frustrating thing is he hangs out with these drug addicts and he is sucked in by them...he owns a business with my parents .. has the best of everything .. yet blames my parents for his addiction..blames them that its their fault the way they raised him... how come i have NEVER EVER used drugs...i think the only drug i have ever used is aspirin for a headache...why havent i become like that because ive had the same lifestyle as him!!!
whats his excuse....i think all these things he is saying are just excuses..saying he can give up and can and can...so why doesnt he? why does he like his family hurting ...
whats his excuse....i think all these things he is saying are just excuses..saying he can give up and can and can...so why doesnt he? why does he like his family hurting ...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
welcome, glamachic, glad you are here
i can hear the frustration in your post, and i understand it as i have been there. what helped me was learning all i could about addiction. he says he can give it up, but the truth is, without help, he probably cannot. his denial that he has a problem allows him to continue in his addiction.
i also found a lot of help in al-anon and one on one therapy. so my suggestion at this point would be to start to learn all you can about addicts and their addictions; and learn how you can lovingly detach.
i don't know him, but i would guess your brother does not like his family hurting; but that is secondary to his need to use right now.
i'm sure more will be along after the weekend to offer other points of view and experience, strength and hope.
please take care. stick around and keep posting. you do not have to go through this alone.
i can hear the frustration in your post, and i understand it as i have been there. what helped me was learning all i could about addiction. he says he can give it up, but the truth is, without help, he probably cannot. his denial that he has a problem allows him to continue in his addiction.
i also found a lot of help in al-anon and one on one therapy. so my suggestion at this point would be to start to learn all you can about addicts and their addictions; and learn how you can lovingly detach.
i don't know him, but i would guess your brother does not like his family hurting; but that is secondary to his need to use right now.
i'm sure more will be along after the weekend to offer other points of view and experience, strength and hope.
please take care. stick around and keep posting. you do not have to go through this alone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: El Cerrito, California
Posts: 580
Addicts don't get help unless they want it. First it's a lot of fun, then it's fun with problems, and then it's problems. Even the last stage is tough to lick, because it's what they know. It's how they know how to cope. Getting clean and sober can be a scary process because we're used to medicating our feelings and we have a lot of them, because our lives are in chaos. It's also scary because drugs mess with your nervous system, and when you detox it seems like the problem is the lack of drugs.
I don't know how fashionable interventions are right now, which is where a trained recovery person meets beforehand with friends and family members and then confront the addict in a non-judgemental way. But many people in relationship with addicts find help in Al-Anon or Narc-Anon, because there are unconscious ways they feed into the addictive process. Doesn't mean the guy will get into recovery, but it can improve the chances.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and addict, and had cravings for many years. It took desire, going to meetings, getting involved, therapy, nutrition, and finding a spiritual path that fit for them to go away, but I still go to meetings anyway. I learn a lot from people who don't.
I don't know how fashionable interventions are right now, which is where a trained recovery person meets beforehand with friends and family members and then confront the addict in a non-judgemental way. But many people in relationship with addicts find help in Al-Anon or Narc-Anon, because there are unconscious ways they feed into the addictive process. Doesn't mean the guy will get into recovery, but it can improve the chances.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and addict, and had cravings for many years. It took desire, going to meetings, getting involved, therapy, nutrition, and finding a spiritual path that fit for them to go away, but I still go to meetings anyway. I learn a lot from people who don't.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: AUSTRALIA
Posts: 18
we are a good family ... of greek background with very high and strong values and morals, i think that my brother is one of the people who can be helped, he has just fallen victim to one of the bad group of friends ... he is not much of a leader .. hence the depression/addiction .. so i guess this is how he felt he could feel better.. to escape his own demons ...
my parents are still right by his side, and im not sure if any other parents would kick their kids out of home like some parents i know, but mine are willing to stick in there and help him fight ..
even his coucellor has said that my brother is one of the best people he has had in this situation .. he can see him being helped...and i have seen many people trying to be helped but just cannot be... such a sad sad situation to be in.
my parents are still right by his side, and im not sure if any other parents would kick their kids out of home like some parents i know, but mine are willing to stick in there and help him fight ..
even his coucellor has said that my brother is one of the best people he has had in this situation .. he can see him being helped...and i have seen many people trying to be helped but just cannot be... such a sad sad situation to be in.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: El Cerrito, California
Posts: 580
Addicts don't get help unless they want it. First it's a lot of fun, then it's fun with problems, and then it's problems. Even the last stage is tough to lick, because it's what they know. It's how they know how to cope. Getting clean and sober can be a scary process because we're used to medicating our feelings and we have a lot of them, because our lives are in chaos. It's also scary because drugs mess with your nervous system, and when you detox it seems like the problem is the lack of drugs.
I don't know how fashionable interventions are right now, which is where a trained recovery person meets beforehand with friends and family members and then confront the addict in a non-judgemental way. But many people in relationship with addicts find help in Al-Anon or Narc-Anon, because there are unconscious ways they feed into the addictive process. Doesn't mean the guy will get into recovery, but it can improve the chances.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and addict, and had cravings for many years. It took desire, going to meetings, getting involved, therapy, nutrition, and finding a spiritual path that fit for them to go away, but I still go to meetings anyway. I learn a lot from people who don't.
I don't know how fashionable interventions are right now, which is where a trained recovery person meets beforehand with friends and family members and then confront the addict in a non-judgemental way. But many people in relationship with addicts find help in Al-Anon or Narc-Anon, because there are unconscious ways they feed into the addictive process. Doesn't mean the guy will get into recovery, but it can improve the chances.
I'm a recovering alcoholic and addict, and had cravings for many years. It took desire, going to meetings, getting involved, therapy, nutrition, and finding a spiritual path that fit for them to go away, but I still go to meetings anyway. I learn a lot from people who don't.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Regardless of whether you are from a good family or not, your brother cannot be helped unless he (1) thinks he has a problem and (2) wants to get help. Sorry if that sounds negative, but it's just the way it is. You could attempt an intervention, but that should probably be done with the help of a professional addictions counselor.
An addiction is an equal opportunity destroyer and does not seek out good or bad families, good or bad people, specific situations, etc. If your brother refuses to believe he has a problem there is nothing you can do to make him believe otherwise. As far as the company he keeps, he hangs out with the crowd he chooses because he wants to hang out with people who have similar interests - in this case, using.
An addiction is an equal opportunity destroyer and does not seek out good or bad families, good or bad people, specific situations, etc. If your brother refuses to believe he has a problem there is nothing you can do to make him believe otherwise. As far as the company he keeps, he hangs out with the crowd he chooses because he wants to hang out with people who have similar interests - in this case, using.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Welcome to SR....glad you found us.
Not sure you are aware of this but addiction bars no one.
Your brothers attempts to blame only allows him to continue
and justify his using. He will stop when he is ready to stop,
not a minute sooner. Family takes a back seat to the drug of choice
(DOC.) I would encourage you to read as much as you can here,
seek outside meetings such as Alanon and N/A. Once we become
educated we are better able to deal with the situation as it affects us.
Not sure you are aware of this but addiction bars no one.
Your brothers attempts to blame only allows him to continue
and justify his using. He will stop when he is ready to stop,
not a minute sooner. Family takes a back seat to the drug of choice
(DOC.) I would encourage you to read as much as you can here,
seek outside meetings such as Alanon and N/A. Once we become
educated we are better able to deal with the situation as it affects us.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR... we are glad you found us.
I can so hear the hurt and frustration in your post and I wish there was something I could say that would help but the truth is the only person you can help is yourself. I agree with the others in that education about addiction is probably the only thing that is going to give you or your parents peace of mind. We that love alcoholics/addicts can actually cause more harm then good by enabling the addict/alcoholic.
You will hear this often ... and it took forever for me to actually get it... but
You did not cause it (or your parents) you cant control it and you cant cure it.
See the issue is you and your parents have a problem, your brother does not think he has one and does not want to stop using.... you and your parents want him to stop.... He wont till he is good and ready too and you can drive yourself crazy watching the behavior unless you get some support. I used theraphy and Ala-non for my education and support. Its not easy to sit there and watch someone do this to themselves.
I look forward to getting to know you... keep posting and reading there are solutions for you and you can find senerity in this chaos.
I can so hear the hurt and frustration in your post and I wish there was something I could say that would help but the truth is the only person you can help is yourself. I agree with the others in that education about addiction is probably the only thing that is going to give you or your parents peace of mind. We that love alcoholics/addicts can actually cause more harm then good by enabling the addict/alcoholic.
You will hear this often ... and it took forever for me to actually get it... but
You did not cause it (or your parents) you cant control it and you cant cure it.
See the issue is you and your parents have a problem, your brother does not think he has one and does not want to stop using.... you and your parents want him to stop.... He wont till he is good and ready too and you can drive yourself crazy watching the behavior unless you get some support. I used theraphy and Ala-non for my education and support. Its not easy to sit there and watch someone do this to themselves.
I look forward to getting to know you... keep posting and reading there are solutions for you and you can find senerity in this chaos.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: AUSTRALIA
Posts: 18
thanks so much everyone for your help and support
i know its quite hard to see someone suffer and kill themselves like that
and i know its hard to understand why someone does this. but i know for a fact that the reason why my brother is doing this sort of thing is because the friends he is hanging out with ...they have no hopes no dreams ... no goals to try and achieve nothing...my brother owns 2 commercial properties .. a brand new car .. wears the best of the best clothes ... works hard to earn every dollar...but these guys...criminal records the size of texas!!!
unfortunately there is something there that drags him to keep going there...these boys he hangs out with .. i dont know...they have nothing to offer my brother...
i told my b rother...all they want is the lifts that he gives them...he is their taxi driver..and the fact that he has money...i knew he thought about it for a while b4 he said "i dont think so" ...i told him..people on the outside of situations can always see more clearly..its like the "love is blind".."life is blind" in this instance
my poor parents are just scared he might do something silly
i know its quite hard to see someone suffer and kill themselves like that
and i know its hard to understand why someone does this. but i know for a fact that the reason why my brother is doing this sort of thing is because the friends he is hanging out with ...they have no hopes no dreams ... no goals to try and achieve nothing...my brother owns 2 commercial properties .. a brand new car .. wears the best of the best clothes ... works hard to earn every dollar...but these guys...criminal records the size of texas!!!
unfortunately there is something there that drags him to keep going there...these boys he hangs out with .. i dont know...they have nothing to offer my brother...
i told my b rother...all they want is the lifts that he gives them...he is their taxi driver..and the fact that he has money...i knew he thought about it for a while b4 he said "i dont think so" ...i told him..people on the outside of situations can always see more clearly..its like the "love is blind".."life is blind" in this instance
my poor parents are just scared he might do something silly
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by GLAMACHIC
unfortunately there is something there that drags him to keep going there...
I would suggest learning as much as you can about the physical aspects of addiction. The more I learned about this, the better I understood what my AH was doing and going through. Please understand, I - along with a lot of other people - also told myself things would change if he stopped hanging around his drinking buddies and realized all the good things in his life.
Take care and keep posting.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
my poor parents are just scared he might do something silly
I really do also want to voice the benefit of learning more about the disease.
If you were friends with those people that are a bad influence would you be an addict/alcoholic?
My guess is you will say no.
Thats the difference between an addict and a non-addict.
Its not really the friends. Its him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: AUSTRALIA
Posts: 18
my parents are scared he might kill himself or he might overdose on whatever it is he is taking
do you guys have any information i can link to and read up on addiction and how it works...its all so very technical isnt it?
thanks for all your help
do you guys have any information i can link to and read up on addiction and how it works...its all so very technical isnt it?
thanks for all your help
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by GLAMACHIC
my parents are scared he might kill himself or he might overdose on whatever it is he is taking
do you guys have any information i can link to and read up on addiction and how it works...its all so very technical isnt it?
thanks for all your help
do you guys have any information i can link to and read up on addiction and how it works...its all so very technical isnt it?
thanks for all your help
I think you will find a measure of relief (as weird as that sounds) once you start educating yourself. most of the books i know, like "Under the Influence," are geared towards alcoholism. Did you try posting this question over on the drug forum? There may be others here who have some suggestions, too.
I wish you all the best. Please keep posting and let us know how it's going. Your parents' fears are legitimate ones, and becoming proactive on your own behalf may be the best thing you do for your brother.
((()))
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