Tell me I did the right thing... really hurting right now

Old 02-23-2003, 12:58 PM
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Unhappy Tell me I did the right thing... really hurting right now

This morning I moved out of m boyfriend's house. We've been toghether 6 months. His drinking has been a problem all along, but I've never been with someone who drinks like he does, so for a long time I didn't really know what I was seeing.

Anyway, last week I was diagnosed with herpes zoster (shingles) and I've been pretty miserable. It's on my face and head and my eye is swollen shut. I missed work and school all last week. I'm a free lancer, so if I don't work, I don't get paid.

A month or so ago he had switched to beer only because his personality does not change for the worse when he drinks beer. But last Tuesday he came home with a half gallon of scotch. He said it was an "experiment." Well he went through it in three days and promptly bought another. I would call that experiment a failure. I wasn't with him during this time... I was in the house, but in bed all day every day with this herpes thing. It is the pits (and aggravated by stress).

Another element of this that is critically important is that he is an avid gardener. I mean a fanatical gardener. He lived in the city, but I live in the country on 13 acres, and he is SOOO happy out here at my place, tilling, and mulching, and growing little seedlings. It is absolutely Who He Is. So we come out here on weekends and live in his house during the week.

This morning I woke up at 3:15 to find him passed out on the couch. He hasn't done that in months. This after a big discussion last night about how much we love each other, and how God put us together to take care of each other (apropos my illness). I turned off all the lights, covered him with a blanket and went back to bed. I was so furious, this thing on my face started throbbing like there was a blowtorch on it. It seems to be a barometer of my emotional state. I was lying there in bed thinking that I would need to talk to my counselor this week and plan how I was going to leave... I just didn't feel I could take any more. He finally did come to bed at 5:30, and I have to admit, it felt really good to have him crawl in beside me.. in spite of it all.

But when I woke up at 8, I felt really calm, and I just started gathering my things together. I didn't really intend to leave. It was kind of like I was sleepwalking. I just thought, well, I'll get the stuff in the bathroom, then the guitar, then the computer... one thing after another. Then when it was all done, I put my dogs in the car (He ADORES my dogs.), and I wrote him a note. I left it on his computer, but then I went in and woke him up and read it to him. This is the note:

"Good morning sweetheart-

"I decided to go home. I cannot be with you if you're going to get drunk every night. I could sort of stand it when I was well, but this excruciating pain that I'm in all the time has lowered my tolerance.

"Call me when you have decided what to do about your drinking. Then I will know what I have to do. Until then, everything is off, including the garden.

"If you want to call my therapist, I know he would be very willing to talk to you. The first two hour consultation is free. You would like him very much. He's like you, about your age, bearded, a cocky, gorgeous, man's man. He is an avid fisherman. He's been where you've been. His number is---.

"I love you and adore you and want to be with you with every fiber of my being, but this drinking thing is killing me, killing you, and killing us. We both want the same kind of life, and we have the means to achieve it. We have paradise within fintertip's reach. I will do everything I can to make your dreams come true. This is the first step.

"Love,"

I called my therapist on the way home and read him the letter and he thought it was good. It said where I stood without blaming him or insulting him.

Surely he will not just walk away from me and this life we have started to build together.

Please give me some comfort. I am hurting so much right now. My husband died two and a half years ago and this is my first relationship. I'm 54. Please tell me he won't just walk away. He has never denied he has a problem. He has admitted on many occasions that he needs to quit. This herpes thing is the perfect thing, in some ways. I'm able to say (truthfully) that I cannot put up with it anymore for reasons that are really outside my control.

Please give me some comfort. Please don't anyone scold me, at least not today...
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Old 02-23-2003, 01:25 PM
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Dear Sasha,
I really feel for you. I can only tell you of my own experience and encourage you to go to Al-Anon and read the posts on here especially the one about hooks.

For me, my first step was deciding What I wanted, what it looked like, felt like smelled like, tasted like, WHAT I really wanted. Then I had to make a plan to get it. A big part of that for me which came almost 2 years after I decided WHAT I wanted was setting my boundaries. That is really hard to do. I am living within my boundary right now and I am still scared. It helps me to lay it in God's hands, pray for knowledge of his will and courage to carry it out, go to meetings, do my readings, work my steps, work on discovering my real true self and paying attention to what I need. I am already very good at taking care of others (co-dependent) now I am ready to turn that obsessive energy to the place that really matters...my self.

I am sorry you are going through this. Can you see a reason for it? Can you see God working in your life? What is your dream? What worries you? You are not alone. You are loved. You deserve to be cherished.
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Old 02-23-2003, 01:34 PM
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I would like to welcome you Sasha 99!!

You have found a wonderful place and no one would ever scold you here! We are all here because of our common bond, loving someone with a drinking problem. It is a disease that you did not cause, you can't control and you cannot cure. Your boyfriend has to want to get help and want to stop drinking! Leaving is something that you sound like you needed to do for YOU. Taking care of yourself is very important and whatever you have to do to accomplish that is a good thing.I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I thought your letter was good. Please keep coming back and read the sticky posts at the top of the board. There is a wealth of information there. Just know we are here for you!!!!

Sending prayers your way,
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Old 02-23-2003, 01:39 PM
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******{Sasha}}}}

First I want to send some hugs your way.

I have to agree with Matters, leaving sounded like it was something you needed to do for you, for your peace of mind.

I can relate to the pain you must be going through right now but it will ease in time.

Please keep coming back and know that we all care here.

Please take care of you.
Many hugs,
Debbie
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Old 02-23-2003, 02:32 PM
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((((((((Sasha)))))))))

You absolutely did the right thing. You were looking out for YOU and you did what you needed to for your own well-being. No matter what your boyfriend decides to do, know that it has nothing to do with you, or his love for you, or wanting to jeopardize what you have together. He has a disease and he needs help and he has to decide when enough is enough. BUT, that will not be a reflection on you!!!!

I know you're hurting, but be proud of taking that first step. You are strong and you will be ok, no matter what happens.

Hugs,
JG
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Old 02-23-2003, 03:36 PM
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Wow Sasha, your letter was very good. It expressed your feelings very well! I know that it is hard and you second guess and question yourself, but it sounds to me that you have done what you had to for yourself. (which is great)

Everyone here is dealing with similar things so keep coming back. Lots of great advice and support are here.

Many blessings to you, stay strong.
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Old 02-23-2003, 04:00 PM
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thanks

everyone for your kind words.

Much to my surprise, he called me a little while ago and said he loves me and understands what I did I did out of love. He asked me if I'm going to spend the night here at my house and I said yes. I'm going to stay here until he tells me what his plan is for addressing his drinking problem, whether it's therapy or AA or whatever.

I said, you're not just going to walk away from this relationship are you? He said no.

I can tell he's really struggling with this. I'm glad. I'm glad he sees that I'm serious. He praised me a lot for doing what I did. He asked me if he could come out and bring me something to eat. I haven't been home in about three weeks and there's nothing to eat here. I live about 4 miles from town. I wasn't sure how to answer this, but I said he could, but he couldn't be drinking anything here. He said he'd think about it.

I looked at my face in the magnifying mirror for the first time since my shingles diagnosis-- yikes! It's scary. With my eye mostly swollen shut and my scabby face, I look like a creature in a horror movie.
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Old 02-23-2003, 04:40 PM
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Sasha,

YOU may think you look like something out of a horror movie, but after reading your post, all I see is a very smart woman...

Sasha, you are to be commended for doing the right thing for yourself. Do you realize what an important step that is for you? VERY important.

And I don't say this to put your boyfriend down because all of us here struggle with relationships with alcoholics, but HE has to decide whether he wants to get better or not. It really has nothing to do with his love for you. I'm sure he loves you, but until he wants sobriety bad enough, all you can do is take care of yourself.

Please look into Al Anon meetings. You'll find great support and people who will understand your feelings because they've been there. Also, KEEP COMING BACK HERE! We are all in the same boat. There are lots of women with great wisdom here who can share with you the experiences of their lives.

We love ya,
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Old 02-23-2003, 04:41 PM
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Sasha,

You sound like you are doing a wonderful job of taking care of yourself.

I would like to take a moment to caution you about getting involved in the dance. Him getting sober, you getting your hopes up and him getting drunk again. Alot of us have done that for a long time. And it hurts.

Keep in mind that what you are doing is to take care of you and not a way to get him sober. Only he can do that.

Your instincts seem sound. Don't let them get lost in the emotion.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 02-23-2003, 06:37 PM
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You should be proud of yourself for doing whats good for you. As difficult as it was for you to take a stand on this doing it now was a wise decision.

I've been married to an alcoholic for 9 years. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had taken a stand at the beginning instead of letting things slide year after year.

I hope he will get some kind of help but if he doesn't remember that it is not because of anything you did or failed to do. Recovery doesn't happen until they want it bad enough.

good luck
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Old 02-23-2003, 08:07 PM
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((((Sasha))))

I am so proud of you! You are strong and brave to take this step! I hope some of it rubs off on me!

Love,
Lyn
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Old 02-26-2003, 05:06 PM
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Sasha,
You are really going through a tough time. To take a stand for yourself while dealing with shingles!!!!! Wow. Those are so painful.
I know that, speaking for myself, my emotions are so more open and vunerable when I am sick. What a gift for you to be able to leave.
Just think, those scabs will go away. You will get better. Try not to let too much stress get in your life right now. Take good care of yourself.
Al Anon meetings are a great place to meet new people who have been where you are now.
One day at a time
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Old 02-27-2003, 04:21 AM
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Sasha

I feel your pain while reading your post. Nobody can tell you what to do or if you did the right thing. You must always do what you feel is right for YOU. Leaving is so hard to do especially if you still love this man as I love mine. For me it has been 2 month now and there is not one day that goes by when I don't miss him. It is all about choices we make. Time will heal all and with a lot of hard work and your HP beside you, you can make it. It feels nice to have serenity. Take care of yourself. Love yourself and learn all about the inner child in you, the one that hurts. You can do it and I am living prove of this along with thousands of others that left and have a loving and full healthy life now. Don't you deserve that? Don't we all? Much love to you.
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Old 02-27-2003, 10:59 AM
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Sasha
Please be kind and gentle with yourself....Right now you are very furgile, physically and spiritually....You need time to heal, re-group and then decide WHERE YOU NEED to be...

Somehow I always thought I had to have all the anwsers right now...I think it's called instant gradification...I now know that mostly, I need to quiet my waters so to speak, stop the committee from talking in my head, get off the merry go round called alcoholism and listen for the voice of my Higher Power.

Love and prayers
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