EmotionalMeg

Hi guys,
I have had one of those days that goes from "blah" to depressing, to me sitting here in the dark, crying. I don't even have a good reason why. My A is here, sober, in bed.. my kids are fine; nothing out of the ordinary happened today. But for some reason, just existing was to much to bear for me.
Since I have been practicing my detachment, my A and I seem to not be as close... he does not want to "talk" to me as I might want to talk about "IT" (his drinking), so he simply clams up. On the same note, he gives me hints and sad puppy dog eyes because he feels "left out"... I am so tired of that. It just continues on, this NEW game we are playing... Who is gonna snap first??!! When we were both in the denial stage of this damn disease, it was simple. "He drinks alot, but he still loves me, and it will all be better tomorrow." I still believed that we were a normal couple, doing normal things... I wish I had that sense of carefree again. I wish a lot of things. I wish that my husband and I could have at least once a day, that love and companionship that brought us to be inseperable so many years ago. I wish that someone had told me what the he** I was getting myself into... Maybe if my parents weren't such disfunctional, irrational people, I wouldn't be in this mess.
I am sad because this is hard work! I don't want to have to fight anymore. I don't want an alcoholic husband, I don't want have to quit smoking, I don't want to have to have MY OWN recovery, I don't want to work, I don't want to care anymore - about him, about me. I just want to have it gone.
Sometimes I wonder if my HP really has a plan worked for me, or if he just enjoys seeing me running the treadmill. He must see the insanity... making the same mistakes, doing it all over again. It's just that I feel I have come so far, and have REALLY tried to put myself first; to love myself, to care more about where I am going and what I am doing. And now, it truly feels like the ground has opened up and swallowed me whole; There I am at the bottom again, waving at all of you.
Thanks for listening guys,
Meg

dancingqueen

Dear E. Meg,
I feel for you because I have been exactly where you are now. For me the first step of Al-Anon was so difficult, it still is. I find steps 2 and 3 are what keep me sane. I read your post and felt the insanity. I love the new feeling I get from steps 1-3. When I was struggling with step one, I told my group that I would work on the other steps and that God would lead me to step one understanding. For me, for now, that works.

Hang in there, God loves you and wants you to be cherished in life.

lyn_blossom78

Just a couple of days ago, I was where you are today. I drove in the car and just screamed at the top of my lungs. If people heard me, I know they would have thought I was insane. And things with my A weren't too bad that day, so I couldn't understand it either.

Give it a couple of days, and things will look brighter--trust me! Today, I'm much better, and ready to face the day. Your HP does have a plan for you--I know he does.

Lyn

JT

((((Meg))))

Do something REALLY nice for you today. If someone you loved was as sad as you are right now you would be there for them. Do the same for yourself. You deserve it.

Hugs,
JT

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi (((((((Meg))))))).

I still have days like that sometimes. When I do, I get the schmaltziest movie I can find and blubber till I can't blubber any more. Sometimes while we're putting on our coping face, the tension is accumulating underneath the surface. It has to come out somehow. Do something really nice for you today.

More hugs,
Smoke

sw96

Boy can I relate to this thread......

Gabe

I have been where you are Meg, too many times. My lead line as the tears start to fall is "Why does all this crap keep happening to me?" At that point, I just have to let it all out. My Dad used to say that "tears are cleansing". Do you know that there is no scientific explination for why we cry when we are sad? I think it's the heart's way of letting what's on the inside work it's way out.
Hugs to you Meg, I hope that today is a better day for you.
Peace,
Gabe

journeygal

((((((Meg)))))))

Totally totally relating here.....I remember not too long ago I was just tired of constantly working on my recovery - I wanted a day to go by where I didn't have to think about it!!! So, I let a few days, a few weeks go by, and before I knew it, I was reverting.....

So, it's a part of life and believe it or not there are worse things!!!! Like JT said, do something nice for yourself (ice cream, go get a new outfit, ice cream, go to the movies, ice cream.....)

Hugs,
JG

margo

(((((Meg))))) I know the pain that can come sometimes with the ones that we love and care for. Let the tears flow, Meg. They are healing. Just wanted to send you hugs and support. This too shall pass.

Love and hugs.

EmotionalMeg

I had no idea that what I was feeling was something ANYONE could relate to; I was happily surprised to see how many of you had felt the same at one time or another.
It's been a couple of days, and I am not overwhelmed with sadness any longer; it DID pass. I still sense that my relationship with hubby is very different right now, and I haven't figured out why... But I want to get back to the great feelings that come from taking care of myself, so I suppose I need to be a little selfish for now.
Thanks again everyone,
Meg