New member - at my wits end
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: SCOTLAND
Posts: 3
New member - at my wits end
Hi everyone
My fiance was an alcoholic when I met him although it probably took me a long long time to realise it. We've been together 10 years with a 4yr old daughter and over the years his drinking has got worse and worse. Several times over the last year I've tried to walk away because I can't take any more and each time he begs and promises to stop. Each time I desperatly want to believe him.
Anyway in April this year things got so bad that I told him he had to go. He knew I meant it so during the night left the house taking with him a bottle of vodka and 15 sleeping pills. I woke up and knew he had done something. Long story short I phoned the police who found him overdosed, unconscious and suffering from hypothermia. Once again I let him come home. He seemed to be different from any other time. Full of remorse and really positive about stopping drinking. Talking about having a second chance. He went to AA regularly and was doing really well. The only place he ever saw his "friends" was at the pub. He was feeling really down about not having any friends anymore and started going to the pub again - drinking soft drinks.
The inevitable happened last Saturday when he came home drunk. I told him "okay its happened. Maybe it was bound to happen some time. It's not the end of the world but we need to deal with it and move on". He struggled on Sunday but by Monday he seemed to be back to the positive person he had been for 2 months. Well he did it again yesterday and then has gone back out drinking today. He's still not home.
I don't know what to do. I feel really angry if the last 2 months have been for nothing. I feel that for the last 2 months I've had a taste of what normal family life can be like and I enjoyed it. If this is the start of his drinking again then I can't begin down that road again. I'll just end up getting sucked in and having to fight to find the strength to leave. I feel that I have that strength just now but want to support him in what might be just a slip.
Sorry for going on but I really don't know what to do and have never posted about this anywhere before.
My fiance was an alcoholic when I met him although it probably took me a long long time to realise it. We've been together 10 years with a 4yr old daughter and over the years his drinking has got worse and worse. Several times over the last year I've tried to walk away because I can't take any more and each time he begs and promises to stop. Each time I desperatly want to believe him.
Anyway in April this year things got so bad that I told him he had to go. He knew I meant it so during the night left the house taking with him a bottle of vodka and 15 sleeping pills. I woke up and knew he had done something. Long story short I phoned the police who found him overdosed, unconscious and suffering from hypothermia. Once again I let him come home. He seemed to be different from any other time. Full of remorse and really positive about stopping drinking. Talking about having a second chance. He went to AA regularly and was doing really well. The only place he ever saw his "friends" was at the pub. He was feeling really down about not having any friends anymore and started going to the pub again - drinking soft drinks.
The inevitable happened last Saturday when he came home drunk. I told him "okay its happened. Maybe it was bound to happen some time. It's not the end of the world but we need to deal with it and move on". He struggled on Sunday but by Monday he seemed to be back to the positive person he had been for 2 months. Well he did it again yesterday and then has gone back out drinking today. He's still not home.
I don't know what to do. I feel really angry if the last 2 months have been for nothing. I feel that for the last 2 months I've had a taste of what normal family life can be like and I enjoyed it. If this is the start of his drinking again then I can't begin down that road again. I'll just end up getting sucked in and having to fight to find the strength to leave. I feel that I have that strength just now but want to support him in what might be just a slip.
Sorry for going on but I really don't know what to do and have never posted about this anywhere before.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Fight ... WIN!!
Posts: 118
"I feel that for the last 2 months I've had a taste of what normal family life can be like and I enjoyed it. If this is the start of his drinking again then I can't begin down that road again."
I sounds from your post as if your thoughts and priorities are very well considered - just tell him what you've told us. You certainly seem like a caring person, but you cannot cure him if he's not ready to be cured. Hugs and best wishes to you, and I'm sure some more folks will be checking in with advice, too, so keep checking!
I sounds from your post as if your thoughts and priorities are very well considered - just tell him what you've told us. You certainly seem like a caring person, but you cannot cure him if he's not ready to be cured. Hugs and best wishes to you, and I'm sure some more folks will be checking in with advice, too, so keep checking!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by susanmc
I feel that for the last 2 months I've had a taste of what normal family life can be like and I enjoyed it.
You might not get many responses as it's the weekend. I'm on my way out myself, but wanted to say hi.
This is the line from your post that struck me, too. It sounds like you have boundaries you need to enforce and you've told him what you need to continue in the relationship.
What works for me (my AH are separated) is Al-Anon, therapy, visits to our family doctor, SR and reading as much as I can on the disease of alcoholism. Making positive changes in yourself can lead to many positive changes in your life in general.
Read the stickys here, learn all you can and keep posting. You are not alone.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
susanmc, Welcome to Sober Recovery (SR) I am so glad you found us, this is the best site ever.
Two months is not long and many (not all) have a terrible time staying sober. One thing they should be taught in AA is to get a sponsor. That gives them someone to talk to, go to coffee with and eventually find sober friends.
Read read and go to Al-Anon, read the sticky's at the top of page where you entered.
Keep coming back, ask questions, just vent whatever. We cannot or at least should not tell you to stay or leave unless you are in danger of violence.
Take what you can use and leave the rest. I want the best for you both.
Two months is not long and many (not all) have a terrible time staying sober. One thing they should be taught in AA is to get a sponsor. That gives them someone to talk to, go to coffee with and eventually find sober friends.
Read read and go to Al-Anon, read the sticky's at the top of page where you entered.
Keep coming back, ask questions, just vent whatever. We cannot or at least should not tell you to stay or leave unless you are in danger of violence.
Take what you can use and leave the rest. I want the best for you both.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Hi there!! welcome to SR.
I found lapses SO HARD. I can't describe easily what they did to me but they seemed to trigger a part in me that was pure anger - at IT, at WHY? and for everything I thought had just been lost.
I wrote here the post I wish I'd written to myself a year ago, I've stuck it here if you want a look. The sun really does still keep coming up - no matter what you decide or what happens next, your two months were real.
Take care...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ghlight=lapses
I found lapses SO HARD. I can't describe easily what they did to me but they seemed to trigger a part in me that was pure anger - at IT, at WHY? and for everything I thought had just been lost.
I wrote here the post I wish I'd written to myself a year ago, I've stuck it here if you want a look. The sun really does still keep coming up - no matter what you decide or what happens next, your two months were real.
Take care...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ghlight=lapses
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
In A.A. they often mention to beware of certain "people, places and things." Going to the pub is one of those places that should be out-of-bounds. When one seeks sobriety, one seeks out sober people for support and friendship. Hanging out in the pub - even if drinking soda - is kinda like pulling a "dry drunk" in that one is still pursuing the same interests and people as he or she did during their drinking days. Like it says in the Big Book, "half-measures availed us nothing."
His taking a bottle of vodka and pills along with him when you told him to leave served two purposes: it got your attention and it made you feel guilty. Although his intentions may have ultimately been suicide, I would venture to guess what was foremost in his mind was to make you feel as if you were responsible for his situation.
His taking a bottle of vodka and pills along with him when you told him to leave served two purposes: it got your attention and it made you feel guilty. Although his intentions may have ultimately been suicide, I would venture to guess what was foremost in his mind was to make you feel as if you were responsible for his situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: SCOTLAND
Posts: 3
Thanks everyone for your support - equus thanks for the link to your other post - it helped loads!!!!
Well he's been sober for the last 2 days. Is still saying he doesn't want to go back to AA although he has got an appointment with an alcohol counsellor tonight so fingers crossed that'll help.
Well he's been sober for the last 2 days. Is still saying he doesn't want to go back to AA although he has got an appointment with an alcohol counsellor tonight so fingers crossed that'll help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Seeing a counselor may be a step in the right direction, but it may only serve the purpose for hm to blow off steam. If the the counselor specializes in dealing with addicts, he may be able to make enough of an impression to make your fiance realize he needs to attend A.A. It takes that first step in order to make the leap of faith to start moving towards healing: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable." I wish both of you the best.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Is still saying he doesn't want to go back to AA although he has got an appointment with an alcohol counsellor tonight so fingers crossed that'll help.
There's an alternatives thread in the alcoholism forum here, I'll nip and get it.
Here you go:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ives-info.html
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: SCOTLAND
Posts: 3
Just to keep you all posted. He saw the counsellor last night and goes back again next week. It's a voluntary organisation and every counsellor is someone who is a recovered alcoholic - if thats the right term. He says he does better speaking in a 1-1 situation and gets nervous about speaking at AA meetings and finds he doesn't say everthing he wants to say because he panics.
Fingers crossed
Fingers crossed
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