blibbity129

I have a close friend who is an alcoholic. She goes to AA and sometimes seems to be doing really well, but has always slipped and began drinking again. I've gotten to the point where I do recognize this as a disease and I know just saying "quit drinking" won't really help. But I do have a question.

When my friend hasn't been drinking, then calls me and asks me to go to the bar, what do I say? I know she's going to go and drink no matter what. If I don't go, I'm worried about what might happen if she goes with the wrong people or tries to drive home drunk. If I do go with her, I feel like I'm just helping her drink, and that doesn't seem good either.

Does anyone have any advice to share?

Janitw

You didn't cause it - You can't control it - and you can't cure it.

It has to be her decision and hers alone. Do not go to the bar with her because then you will be left to babysit her. Let her take on her own consequences...that's the only way she will learn. Let go and let God. Welcome to the forum we are here for you. Read as many posts as you can and learn and take what you will and leave the rest ok. Keep posting and keep us informed. My husband of 22 years left the kids and I last July 4th with a woman (alcoholic) from a bar and did I follow him around??? NO. He is now facing the consequences from his distructive behavior. He drinks and drives everyday and there is nothing I could do about it. Time will catch up with him and I expect he will have another DUI soon. I had to detach myself from his behavior because it will drive you absolutely crazy if I were to dwell on it. The worry can eat you up. LET GO sweetie....Let God take over.

Janit

equus

You might want to read:
Getting Your Loved One Sober" by Robert Meyers.

It's about the CRAFT method which is based on encouraging community support and engaging loved ones/friends in the process of change. I know one of the things they are very clear about is that close friends can be highly 'significant' others - sometimes more so than partners! They've have a solid success rate and it has been measured in multiple studies.

I haven't read the book, largely because I don't really need to now but something VERY similar was done with me and D (hubby) and it was very good for us - it actually strengthened our relationship!

I've got some references on it's success if you want but I'm off to make a morning coffee now.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it BUT you can help, you can increase the odds, and make some difference.

Whatever yo decide look after you though - it's a rough road!!

Here's a ref to a thread with more refs!!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ighlight=craft

StandingStrong

From my understanding, you go so that you may babysit her. You feel uncomfortable going with her because you feel you are just helping her drink. That, in my book, is enabling.
You have to do what you feel is best for you. However, you also have to realize that as JanitW put it - it's not your place to babysit your friend.

Your friend's alcoholism is HER problem - by going along, you are making it your problem. It's doesn't have to be your problem. You can always say NO and allow her to deal with her own consequences.

mallowcup

I'd find different friends. I wouldn't go to a bar with her. It's like driving a fat person to the donut shop. You either contribute to the solution or you contribute to the problem. Youeither support the habit or you support the recovery. Want to go to a bar, sorry I'm busy.

wishful

I agree with the other folks - don't go with her. Instead, maybe suggest someplace you can go together without drinking - catch a movie, go shopping, anywhere dry. That way you're still "there for her" but it also sends the message that you are not supporting her drinking.

mallowcup

Pretty soon, that's all there is....bars. Why not test her and your friendship and suggest a non bar get together, see if she is interested.

GingerM

Mallowcup's reply is very good advice. Next time she calls, why don't you say "I'm not really in a 'bar' mood tonight, why don't we go catch a movie instead?"

You would still be attempting to help her (if you feel you must), but would not be enabling the drinking problem. Substitute a non-alcoholic activity for the one that involves drinking.

Although, as you well know, she's going to drink if she wants to. You can't control it. At least offering adifferent activity might make you feel less guilty about not taking care of your friend.

blibbity129

Thanks for the advice everyone. As a couple people have recommended, I've tried suggesting other things to do when she calls. But if she has her mind set on getting a drink, that's what she's going to do, with or without me. I do feel like I have to babysit her when she drinks, and I'm tired of feeling that way.

So thanks again everyone. I think you've told me something I already knew deep down, but it's nice to hear from people who know how it feels. Next time she asks me, I'll just have to let her do what she's going to do. But I can't go with her and help her fall further down the well.