GettingFree

Lizzy,

I'm sorry you're struggling right now, but it does sound like you're discoving your inner strengh. If you need anything else to help keep you on track when you feel you're getting weak, you might consider the fact that your H might be co-addicted. Porn is the most common form of sex addiction. It often goes with alcohol or substance abuse as well. And it can severely challenge one's ability to have authentic intimacy with a partner. I don't know if his whole afternoon of watching porn was an isolated instance, but if not there's more challenging your marriage than alcohol.

Just an observation,

best
gf

prodigal

Well, you've tolerated his abuse and then some. I think that alone takes a lot of strength. Of course you don't think you have the strength right now - you've expended it on him. But your strength is your's to own. This is what happens when we subject ourselves to repeated abuse and keep saying, "I'm strong enough to take it." Hey, if we're strong enough to put up with the crap we get from an addict, why shouldn't we be strong enough to make it on our own???

You CAN make it. Believe me. I never, ever thought I'd have the strength to walk away. I never thought I'd survive the ordeal. But, by the grace of God, I did. Please do not doubt your strength. You were given the ability to withstand what life throws your way. You will NEVER be given more than you can handle, even though it may seem that way at times!

prodigal

I have a cousin who took photos of his mom during one of her binges. I have a girlfriend who recorded her boyfriend during one of his binges. Both addicts blew it off. Yeah, their reasons were total denial, as in: "So what if I get out of control now and then - I have a job and it stresses me out from time to time." That's it.

I have a photo of my AH when he was completely sober and looking very clean and spiffy and one of him when he was trashed looking like a zoned-out slob. He just laughed at the photo of him when he was drunk.

I think that is why interventions don't work sometimes. No matter how graphically you show the addict what they look like, say, and behave during a bender, they still do not "get it." I think their shame/fear/denial system is so entrenched that they cannot face the truth even when they're looking right at it.

debmar

Hi LizzyGirl, we've all been in your shoes. My husband nine months ago passed away from an overdose to cocaine. He was sober for ten years on his own, got depressed and relpased. He was sober for three weeks before he died. I took TONS OF PICTURES. but I always wanted a nice hardcore up in your face video. He was high in the bed, I grabbed the video and started to shoot, the next day. I said I have something to show you, he viewed the video in shame, and horror. His words "look at me, I can't speak, I can't move, I can't eat, I can't be with you which is the most important in my life, I'm a vegtable on that crap. He died three days later. The others above are right, you have to detach and worry about you. I'm living proof you will not get him sober, keep him sober, ever, only he can do that. I lived the fear of coming home to him maybe being dead. He was so high, he locked himself in the house, I had to call a locksmith to get me back in, he was just shy of comatose. Too many days to list, too many attempts to help him. He always told me my logic helped him, so I kept trying. On the night I they took me back to view his turning blue lifeless body of my baby since I was sixteen first and only love, two weeks after our seventeenth anniversary is when he left my life forever. Ruled cociane intoxication, ACCIDENTAL DEATH! Go to here www.gettingthemsober.com it's a lady specializing in us codependents, she's written books on amazon like crazy. She will send you free a book and a video , it's about pulling back our control off of them, that will never work, and focusing on how we deal and react with them. I started to work her tips and he was threatened by me, hey doing what I should be doing, thinking about me. He freaked out, he's like your going shopping without me, Yes. Your leaving me to go out to dinner with your parents without me, Yes. The drugs he was getting made him go insane so it did'nt work only in this instance. Some things we don't want are inevitable in life. Hope I shed some insight to help you. Your lying down outside, and he did'nt care. I dropped to the ground in the kitchen screaming and crying, begging and pleading. He ran out of the room scared. I wished I would die because I could'nt take another moment of this pain, but I pushed on, and he made a big mistake that costed him, his and our life, a really good life. The pickett fence the six bedroom house, two jaguars, etc and things they have, and what we attained does'nt matter to them. Hugs to you, Debbie

debmar

Forgot to add the most important part. when I viewed his lifeless body and touched his pretty face and kissed him, held his blue hand, it was'nt until that very moment that I got it, I prolonged his life, I was never meant to save it only he could do that. I also apoligized to him for this terrible disease he was given and the pain he went through, not just worrying about my pain he put me through, he was in pain as well. My psycholgist said something to me I loved, in all his years dealing with addicts, no addict he knew of every signed up to have a disease, that comes through in the middle of the night like a thief and robs you of your life. Debbie

WantsOut

Lizzy, back many years ago when I was in my early 20s I was the drunk. I used to call my boyfriend's house and leave long, abusive messages on his answering machine (and he lived with his mom too. Yikes!)

One day he played one of my messages back for me while he angrily berated me (I don't blame him - I was out of control) and I did sound horrible, slurring, abusive, demented and really stupid and disgusting. I was ashamed - so ashamed I couldn't deal with it. I knew even before he played it for me. But there was no epiphany because he wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know.