a newbie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: e peoria illinois
Posts: 2
a newbie
i am new to this forum, i've been reading all of your posts. a lot of similarities it seems link us all together. lots of words of wisdom. i thank you all for giving me the courage to finally take the steps in my own life to find my "peace and serenity" heres my story short as i can i am 30 yrs old, 2 kids, 3 cats, 1 dog yada yada. been with my ABF for 12 years, didnt realize at first he was, new realtionship, having a good time, the next thing i know, im pregnant, ready to grow up have a happy family, hes still playn his games, drinking, fighting, driving around like a lunatic, i leave, he begs me back(several times) then im ready to leave for good, find out i'm pregnant again, he promises to change for good, i sympathize, believe him, still in misery. is it possible to love someone for there own good, but not yours?? i do love him, been in al-anon off and on, i understand, i put up with verbal abuse and humiliation, threats and b.s. i love him, im not in love with him but our codie relationship is not working, im not happy, he binges, promises, breaks it, i just want to be happy and make a good life for my kids... trying to get out one more time, tired of the accusations of screwing everyone i am nice to of the male gender,not being able to go anywhere without a timeline, tired of being controlled and manipulated, all of my friends have been chased off or think i am crazy(i might be) for sticking with him. my family thinks i have put up with enough bs for 3 lifetimes!!!!including my A father who i don't view as "so bad" compared to what i have been thru for the past 12 years.... and still... i carry guilt, shame, feeling inadequate, anxiety, depression and more because i want to leave and go on. i worry about him, he is the father of my children and i do love him, just dont have the energy to deal anymore, its breaking me down and i have to take care of myself, i need to get better, too. i feel im damned if i do damned if i dont. getting up the courage, told him its over, still here. maybe today will be the day, i think. anyway, thanks to all of you for your thoughts and advice, words of wisdom...i can relate...deep breath....but does it feel sometimes that you detach to the point you are numb and dont know how the hell you feel anymore,only to wake up one a.m. and hate your frickn life choices and regret ever coming back and feel like the worlds blindest dumba$$?
glad i found sober recovery forum thanks
glad i found sober recovery forum thanks
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Hi dazd and welcome to SR
I recognize so much of what you say in your post. Yes, before working on my recovery for a while, I did feel like I was detaching to the point of numbness. I learned, though, that detachment wasn't about that. I needed to detach from the problem, not life. I needed to stop letting alcoholism and all that entailed take over.
You mention you went to Al-Anon off and on. Is it something you did not find helpful? It is a program that needs to be worked to effect change in our lives. If that's not for you, what about some individual therapy with a counselor who's well versed in addiction? I think it might be helpful for you to have some face to face interaction in addition to the forum. One of the great things Al-Anon has done is given me a number of people I can call 24 hours a day if I feel the need. I have taken people up on that, especially in the early days of leaving my situation.
It's great that you want to do what is best for your children. I don't have any, but from what I've read here it can be pretty damaging for children to grow up in an alcoholic home.
The path I followed started with a visit to my doctor. My health was getting worse, I had gained a lot of weight, etc. I felt all the things you say: guilt, shame, inadequacy, anxiety and depression. He told me I was killing myself living with an addict and needed to save myself. I started individual therapy and Al-Anon and my life has improved so much in the past 10 months.
Please keep posting - there is plenty of support here. You are not alone.
I recognize so much of what you say in your post. Yes, before working on my recovery for a while, I did feel like I was detaching to the point of numbness. I learned, though, that detachment wasn't about that. I needed to detach from the problem, not life. I needed to stop letting alcoholism and all that entailed take over.
You mention you went to Al-Anon off and on. Is it something you did not find helpful? It is a program that needs to be worked to effect change in our lives. If that's not for you, what about some individual therapy with a counselor who's well versed in addiction? I think it might be helpful for you to have some face to face interaction in addition to the forum. One of the great things Al-Anon has done is given me a number of people I can call 24 hours a day if I feel the need. I have taken people up on that, especially in the early days of leaving my situation.
It's great that you want to do what is best for your children. I don't have any, but from what I've read here it can be pretty damaging for children to grow up in an alcoholic home.
The path I followed started with a visit to my doctor. My health was getting worse, I had gained a lot of weight, etc. I felt all the things you say: guilt, shame, inadequacy, anxiety and depression. He told me I was killing myself living with an addict and needed to save myself. I started individual therapy and Al-Anon and my life has improved so much in the past 10 months.
Please keep posting - there is plenty of support here. You are not alone.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Welcome, Dazd!
Lots of good experience, strength and hope around here. Glad you could join us.
Don't know enough about what you are dealing with to "advise" you, but I sure would ask you to describe a "happy" life and what you want from life and then have you think about what it would take to get there.
That is sort of where I am in MY life, and where I tend to get to every few years or so... just stop.... think ... reassess.
What do I want? What makes me happy? What is good for ME?
(((((hugs))))))
Lots of good experience, strength and hope around here. Glad you could join us.
Don't know enough about what you are dealing with to "advise" you, but I sure would ask you to describe a "happy" life and what you want from life and then have you think about what it would take to get there.
That is sort of where I am in MY life, and where I tend to get to every few years or so... just stop.... think ... reassess.
What do I want? What makes me happy? What is good for ME?
(((((hugs))))))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: crown point
Posts: 66
I hope you find peace. I'm looking for it too. I never realized that there are so many similliar situations in all our stories. I was always being accused of cheating. He never wanted me anywhere but with him. If I was even with my family he wanted to know exactly when I was going to be home. I feel your pain. Good Luck...
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
dazd, Welcome to Sober Recovery, this is the best site ever.
Read everthing, so much to learn. However take what you can use and leave the rest.
I think there are a couple of threads today on the A accuseing SO of cheating. happens way too often.
Alcohol lots of times makes A's paranoid, fearful, anxiety makes the A look for why and deceides it has to be the SO and the kids, sometimes they think people are stealing, everyone is always lying etc.
Keep coming back.
Read everthing, so much to learn. However take what you can use and leave the rest.
I think there are a couple of threads today on the A accuseing SO of cheating. happens way too often.
Alcohol lots of times makes A's paranoid, fearful, anxiety makes the A look for why and deceides it has to be the SO and the kids, sometimes they think people are stealing, everyone is always lying etc.
Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
As the saying goes, "nothing changes if nothing changes." The only way to change your situation is look at all your choices. At this point, they may all look pretty lousy. So perhaps really working a program would be a good start. I think some of your pain and frustration may be self-generated. Doing nothing yields just that: nothing. You remain stuck and miserable.
Perhaps you might consider stepping back and looking at your relationship and considering if this is really what a love is all about. Don't you think you deserve to love someone who loves you too? Addicts are in very short supply when it comes to love. In fact, you ABF probably does not love you. People who abuse us and treat us badly don't love us. They hate themselves and are too self-absorbed in their own pain to be a partner that is worthy of our love. It is only when they get help and we get help too that a relationship can (hopefully!) begin to be a win-win situation.
Perhaps you might consider stepping back and looking at your relationship and considering if this is really what a love is all about. Don't you think you deserve to love someone who loves you too? Addicts are in very short supply when it comes to love. In fact, you ABF probably does not love you. People who abuse us and treat us badly don't love us. They hate themselves and are too self-absorbed in their own pain to be a partner that is worthy of our love. It is only when they get help and we get help too that a relationship can (hopefully!) begin to be a win-win situation.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Dazd, been there too. Exactly where you are - for 15 years!
Even if you do love him that doesn't mean you have to live with him. Only you can decide that. Some of us can, some can't live with it.
I hope you can find peace soon, very very soon whatever you decide to do. You deserve it and your children deserve it too.
Take care.
Even if you do love him that doesn't mean you have to live with him. Only you can decide that. Some of us can, some can't live with it.
I hope you can find peace soon, very very soon whatever you decide to do. You deserve it and your children deserve it too.
Take care.
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