Missy

Today we are invited to my AH boss' home for the 4th. There will be drinking, etc.
My problem is that every male I may talk to is a potential man to have sex with when my AH isnt around.
I know from experience that when I converse with anyone of the opposite sex, upon getting home, the verbal abuse starts..
..so when are you going to meet up with him?
..What did you talk about?
..Where did you disappear to and have oral sex during the day?
..You dont want sex with me because then I would see you had sex someone else!
.. on, and on and on.
.. I will try to leave and will get blocke from the doorway...

So I dont want to go and if I dont, AH will get angry at that too... a no win situation.

I'm at work now so thinking of calling him before I leave. If he has been drinking already (da!) maybe I just shouldnt show up at home?
any similarities out there?
Karen

GettingFree

Karen,

I'm so sorry for what you're feeling. It is truly horrible to be under suspicion that way.

My current partner has signficiant trust issues stemming from being a survivor of physical and sexual child abuse. Closer to the start of our relationship, this lack of trust came out in suspecting that I was being unfaithful. It was awful. Really awful. Now he didn't attack in the same way you describe your husband doing, but he did confront me, questioned me repeatedly, and was hypervigliant, looking for any signs in my behavior of lying or deceit.

I can honestly say if this had continued, we would not be having a relationship today. No amount of reassurance on my part could do anything until he took responsibilty for the issue -- and I couldn't have sustained being under constant scrutiny.

He took time to really work on this with his therapist, and eventually came to see me as honest and faithful. He still has demons he wrestles with from time to time on trust --as I do, in different ways -- but he has a good handle on it and it doesn't create the same problem for us any more.

I don't know what else to say, but I understand what it is like to live with that. And I wouldn't be able to long term.

best
gf

Zoey

Karen, I just would not go, that is just me.

I would also say, "Is that what YOU do? Is that what YOU are doing when you leave the room?? Everything he accuses me of, I would ask the same question back of him??. (Sure I would-smile) Guess then be prepared to get killed, or maybe cure him. More often than not it won'y work or he will find a new game.

With enough booze they turn paranoid. They think people are stealing things, hiding things, trying to poison them. Trying to trick them. Going to leave them, etc, etc.

Is he a barroom drinker?? They think no male or female talk to each other unless sex involved. Lots of non drinkers think that too.
Just my thoughts, we all need go with our gut feeling. Hope you get through this

Missy

well I showed up... he was already stumbling all over... foul language in front of children. After I gave his car keys to the homeowner... I said I was leaving and suggested he come along and not ruin everyones holiday. He came along. Now in the bedroom screaming more "stuff" at me. Dont know how he will get to work tomorrow... not by me.. dont care. These are all his choices I cant control.. Hmmmm. I hear silence. Yeah, still light out and I have some peace ad quiet.
Pass out good and strong once again my darl'n.

mary55802

I read your post and it feels like yesterday that I was there too. 5 years I went thru the same exact thing. Bottom line that I learned...is HE has the problem, not you. HE is insecure about himself so he is trying to make you on his same level. GO to the party, hold your head up. But what you learn in Alanon is that YOUR re-action to his nonsense accusations can make it better or WORSE. Like you said, you will loose eithor way. If you go you did something wrong, if you Dont go..you must have been hiding something! Hang in there.

Missy

getting dark now. AH still in bed. Another norm day with an alcholic. Can you come to my pitty party? Found empty quart in freezer. I hear the fireworks starting. Picture all those sober families oohhs and ahhs,
so I take a deep breath, talk to my HP and crawl next to my fragrance Vodka AH. Tomorrow another day and I promise myself to start over in a good way.. thanks to HP and alanon
Karen

Zoey

Might I suggest when you go to an open meeting, if they ask if newcomers, do not raise your hand. If they go around give their name and add I am an A, when they come to you say, I am Al-Anon.

Guess you have been to some. So you prob know your way around.

Get a big book the new 4th edition has the story in back "Grounded" I saw that pilot arrested, prob you all did. His Attorey said, "All passegers on that flight were safe as he is a chronic alcoholic! LOL It is true except for passout time.

In the stories my favorite is "Acceptance is the Answer" it is by a Doctor.

Tell your A he will be welcome, with or without a brown paper bag, as
"Love amd tolorance is our code" pg 84 smile

Live

I consider this behavior abuse and a separate problem from drugs/alcohol.
There are important stickies at the tops of the forums in Women in Recovery and in Family and Friends. One in particular in WIR concerns emotional abuse.

hugs,
live

Missy

New day... new attitude. Quiet morning at home but I love my job so that is a good thing.
I'm going to an open AA meeting thurs. (tomorrow)
my AH said he may come along.

I wll get the Big Book this week. I will read more stickys too.
you know... sometimes you just read and read so much that it becomes overwelming... anyway that is my case.
I work well reading small bits at a time. That is why this forum is such a blessing to me.
Even so.. sometimes this gets too much, all in all the best anyway!
If there are any lurkers out there.... get involved here. A great Healing!
Karen xo

Zoey

Glad you love your job, glad you count your blessings.

Read at your own pace. There is sooo much to learn, then when we learn something we have to practice and practice to change anything we want to change. Hope the rest of the day goes well. I am excited you are going and more excited that your hubby might go.
Take what you can use and leave the rest.

jackson123

I stopped going to functions months ago with ABF. Too much embarrassment. I won't even go to his mom's house to visit because the first thing his dad does his pour him a martini. If it's early they start with bloody marys. I remember being so embarrassed on the way home because he would pass out in the car and his head would bob up and down and he would slobber. Yuck.... Good luck to you. You learn after a while just to stay clear.

pmaslan

If you loose either way....why not choose on the side that suits you?

pmaslan

PS for those that know me I finally learned how to "quote" properly!!!!

Thanks Minnie!!!!!!