StandingStrong

Triggers have always seemed to be an issue with me. I am not sure how to handle them when they arise. Some of them, I tend to handle okay. Others tend to bring old feelings back faster than my brain can even realize they are coming, no warning - they are just "there" instantly.

Yes, I know that I control my own feelings. However, as I said above, sometimes a trigger can hit me so fast, that it's almost like it's an instant thing. It catapults me back to a memory which will instantly have me feeling just as I did at that time that the event took place.

I have to be honest with myself and admit that I have some unresolved feelings or this wouldn't be happening. I have to tell myself that the event happened in the past and no one can change it now. But that still doesn't help when the feeling I am having is just as it was then. I can - and normally express my feelings and then I try to leave it behind - but in that moment of true feeling, it can sometimes be almost overwhelming.

Am I missing a piece of this puzzle? Have I not let go of the event - is that why it still triggers me? Is it because there was no closure to the event? Or is it normal to be triggered and have these emotions? And how do I get the quick instant ones to stop? Or how do I deal with them when they happen?

Tonight during a conversation - I was reminded of an event that happened about 5 (?) years ago. An event, to be quite honest with you that I had forgotten all about! Until I was reminded of it during a conversation. I was instantly triggered and felt the same pain, anger, etc. that I felt at the time it happened. While I'm over the initial shock now, and other feelings - I felt so much of the same things that I had felt at the time.

Any ideas on how to handle this? It's been brought to my attention throughout the years that I tend to hang onto the past, that I tend to not let things go, etc. I think it's more of a matter of the triggers bringing forth those events (like the one that I was reminded of tonight that I had totally forgotten about) that tend to make it seem as though I'm living in the past. It still makes me angry, still hurts, etc. While I can't change it - I'm not sure how to handle the feelings that these memories can trigger.

Ideas? Thoughts?

GettingFree

Hi StandingStrong,

I'm sure there are different views on this, but my sense about triggers is that if there are feelings there to be be triggered, they will be. The only thing I know that quiets them is to continue to work on myself, and the stuff from my past, and the wounds I haven't completely healed from.

Perhaps even more important for me is to recognize that being triggered in and of itself is not a bad thing. You're not doing anything wrong because you have feelings that come up when you're reminded of something. It's what happens next that's important. And it sounds like you're doing really well in that regard.

You're aware. That's the most important thing. When I have the wherewithall to recognize that something is a trigger, that I'm being reminded of old stuff, and then sit with it, honor it, let it pass through me, then it's alright. In fact, it may be a good thing because it gives me a chance to process that feeling a bit more.

It only becomes a problem when I'm triggered by something and I don't see it. It's those more invisible triggers that are deadly for me -- for example, when my partner says a key phrase, or speaks in a certain tone of voice, and it reminds me of something in the past, but I'm not aware, and so I respond from the feeelings from the past, perhaps become defensive, or shut down, etc -- and then communication is messed up, and before I know it, things have gotten messy. But it was a trigger that really tipped the balance, but I wasn't aware.

If you're aware that it's happening, accept it and let it in, make peace with it. Talk it through if you need to with someone. Come here and post. Cry. Whatever it takes. It will pass. And you just got a teeny bit more out.

Just my 2 cents.

best
gf

michski

When we use we don't really feel stuff that happens to us. When we clean up feelings often become very unsettling. The remembering of bad times is a form of post trumatic shock. The good news is that if you don't pick up you will become more comfortable with your memories, realizing that it took whatever it took to get you into recovery.
Congratulations on your sober time.

ICU

I agree with everything that GettingFree said; especially the partial quotes above. I find that to be true of myself as well.

My Dad and I have this dialogue dance that still continues today....he is always right and superior, I am always wrong and inferior. This traps me almost everytime. I'd fall into it like a worn but comfortable pair of socks...it was that natural for me to do my part of the dance.

Currently, with him anyway, I may not catch it 'before' it happens; but I do find that I can catch myself midpoint, pull back, regroup, and use the tools that I now have to cope a bit better.

Bottom line, I just think that triggers are a part of life. If you don't have any, you haven't lived!!!

SS, it's ok to have triggers. You are aware of them and that's half the battle. Think of those triggers as little clues as to what's holding you back, and what you need to work on. It may not be fun while you're experiencing it, but it can be a good thing!

Kellye C

I can relate to the whole triggers thing. Someone speaking to me in a certain way or tone can instantly catapult me into the past where I was treated badly and I react just as if it were happening all over again. When I was with my ex-abf he had a lot longer sober than I did and had done a lot of work on PTSD and other issues. He first educated me about triggers and how they work. We both were the victims of these triggers in our year and half long relationship and when one or the other would blow up over something seemingly innocent then we could go back in a bit and look at it and figure out what triggered it. Most times it had absolutely nothing to do with the person we had blasted. At that point we could apologize and come away with more of an understanding of our psychological make-up.

Being aware is key. For me, when I feel something like that now, I try to excuse myself and get off to myself even if it's in a restroom stall and try to figure out why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. I look back to see if it came from something in the past which has come back or if it is truly something going on in front of me which I find acceptable. If it's a past hurt, I try to do a quick reality check, remind myself that this person is NOT the person who means me harm and that I can't take it out on them. If something they are doing is reminding me of past hurts and is currently unacceptable to me then I will talk to them about it. If I have shown my *ss over something they did innocently I will then apologize for my poor reaction, try to explain (depending on who it is) and try to find a way to keep it from happening again.

Bottom line is I own my feelings and am responsible for them. If they become harmful to those around me I have to take responsibility for that as well. I have sat potential relationship partners down and told them some of my "triggers" without calling them that and asked that they not treat me in such a manner or say certain things to me.

Finally, after such a blow-up, it is good to sit down with pen and paper and write about what happened, the feelings that came up etc. and look at it. It gets it out in the open and then you can figure out how to not let it be such a trigger in the future.

Hang in there SS. Good for you for being aware of it, that is half the battle!
Kellye