We Can Choose To Change

Old 02-19-2003, 09:51 PM
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Ann
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We Can Choose To Change

I used this phrase on another post tonight and I thought I would start a thread about it.

We all came here miserable and desperate, and our lives were in chaos. When I first came, I was blessed to meet people who had worked their program longer than me. These people had been through as much or worse than I had, and yet I saw peace, spirituality, strength and courage and I knew that I wanted it too.

And in order to get it, I had to choose to change. I couldn't change without making a conscious choice to do so and I had to start with little changes and grow.

I chose to identify what areas of my life were driving me crazy. And chose to look at my own actions and what part they played in the picture. In the end it was my own actions that made me crazy. I was a master spy, snooping and checking and setting traps. I was an emotional manipulator. I was a scared tired woman who didn't want to live like this.

When I chose to change my behaviour, I began to recover.

I chose to go to meetings. I chose to read every single codependent recovery book I could find. I chose to work the 12-steps and I chose to go to church and make a spiritual connection with God. I chose not to be a victim anymore.

I chose to set boundaries, and I chose to enforce them. I chose to have fun, when I really didn't feel like it. I chose to take an hour each day just for me, to light a candle, play soft music and pray and meditate.

I chose to come on these boards and I chose to dedicate extra time as a moderator to strengthen my own recovery.

I chose to love and accept, I chose not to participate in anyone else's chaos, I chose to let go and let God, and I chose to be happy.

The alternative was to choose to stay the same by repeating the same behaviour that had brought me here.

Yes I was fresh out of choices - so I chose to change. And by the Grace of God I have changed. And I am happy and at peace.

What will you choose?
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Old 02-20-2003, 05:44 AM
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JT
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Ann,

Good post!

And you know I have followed the same path as you. I fought and fought until I could fight no more and then I found myself in recovery and doing what I was told by those who had been there before.

I found a lovely woman who had a serenity about her that I wanted and asked her to be my sponsor and she accepted. She took calls from me when I was in a panic and also when I "got" something suddenly.

So yes it was a series of choices.

I chose to stop participating in the chaos.

I chose to stop being part of the problem and instead to be part of the solution.

I chose to learn what is and what is not my responsibility to change.

I chose to look at myself and change what I can...me.

I chose to trust in God. To believe there is a plan for me and everyone else and to get out of His way.

In the beginning I chose to blindly trust the program and do what I was told.

Today I have learned to trust the program with my eyes wide open.

And for that reason, like Ann, I choose to share it with all of you.

Hugs,
JT
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Old 02-20-2003, 05:51 AM
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Hi Ann,

Thanks for posting this - it brings up a conversation I recently had with my A.

He claims that people never change, they just learn to identify certain behaviors that may be undesirable and make modifications to the behavior, but underneath those basic qualities are still there. I can understand his point, based on the fact he will always be an addict and will never be cured, but in recovery has found ways to deal with his problem and keep from using.

So, for us codependents, will there ever become a point where we make enough changes to become cured? Or are we in the same boat as our A's, codependents for life, but in recovery, we learn ways to modify our behavior enough to keep the codependency at bay? I guess my question is, will the basic codependent qualities I learned growing up every completely go away?
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Old 02-20-2003, 08:17 AM
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Great Post.

I am just begining to see change in myself after a year in the program. I recently decided to examine and change my behavior toward my husband. I think I have finally become "unstuck". I think I have been stuck in the same behaviors and what is worse the same thinking for such a long time. By coming to this message board and attending meetings I have felt a gentle shift in my thinking.

I use to think that people have to earn respect, kindness, and even common curtesy. I now think that perhaps treating everyone with these attitudes says more about who I am instead of who the other person is. I think we all struggle to some extent with our own deamons, maybe other people don't have to prove to me that they are worthy. Maybe I don't have to prove that I am worthy either? Maybe I am acceptable just the way I am?

I choose to be happy, whatever the circumstances. Because God is with me and has given me so much to enjoy and have fun with.

I choose to have fun, to laugh loud, to focus less attention on my unhappy times and more attention on my happy times.

I choose to enrich my work life and skills. Was it the Desiderata that said to cherish your occupation, however modest? I choose to believe in my career and my possibilities.

I choose to say no more often. I might ruffle some feathers, but I need to make choices that make me happy and not waste my time with obligations that drain me.

I do choose to change, and it is a scary business. But not changing is terrifying - I don't want to go further down the path I was on. I am taking a new turn and feel confident about the road ahead.

(Wow is this really my post? I hardly recognize my own thoughts!)
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Old 02-20-2003, 03:31 PM
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Ann
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Wow ladies - your thoughts help me even more than mine help you because they keep me thinking of other areas that may need attention.

Journeygal, I do believe that we really do change. For a long time I did what I was told, like JT, and just had to trust that those who went before me knew the way better than I did. I had to take actions that were not natural for me, and learn to think differently. I had to consciously address my thoughts and move quickly out of obsession and into recovery. At that point I hadn't changed, I had just modified my thoughts and behaviour. But eventually this behaviour became natural for me, and became my new instinctive behaviour. My knee-jerk reactions were different and reflected my changed behaviour and these were at times where the reaction was immediate and not thought through. I believe that Pernell here refers to this as a paradyn (sp?) shift, where what is natural for me is the "new" recovery stuff. Read his post on that, it is amazing.

And do I think we are ever cured? Maybe some but not me. I know that when I get complacent about working my recovery, i fall back into my old ways and my life becomes unmanageable again. It is like God tapping me on the shoulder and reminding me that I have work to do. I need to maintain my spiritual connection, I call it recharging my battieries. If I am connected, then my life is very serene and good, and when my spiritual batteries run low, my eneregy drains and I revert to old ways, much like an addict in relapse. I think codependency is so deeply rooted and maybe even physiological, that we can only remain in remission by maintaining our recovery.

So I choose to recharge my batteries, and I choose to maintain my recovery, and I choose to trust God with whatever plan He has for my life.


Keep 'em coming, let me know about your choices to change.
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Old 02-20-2003, 05:30 PM
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I almost never choose to change

But that doesn't matter. Because when I choose to stay stagnant, my Higher Power opts for the squeeze play and forces me into the change anyway. I can't tell you how many times in my life this has happened. Every time I'm up at the edge of the cliff and decide not to jump off, I get pushed. Luckily I have a rather sturdy parachute and I have landed in some very nice places.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 02-20-2003, 05:45 PM
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Ann
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Well I am glad you landed here, Gabe. .

This brings up another of JT's wise sayings....we can choose to do nothing. When we are undecided and shaky about making a decision that will strongly affect our lives...sometimes choosing to do nothing is the wise choice. We wait with open hearts and open minds and let God lead the way.

He might push you off the cliff, Gabe, but He IS the parachute.
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Old 02-20-2003, 07:40 PM
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I'm like you Gabe,

I have to tell God to do what it takes no matter how much I kick, scream and resist. Change scares the H out of me. God closes me in and only leaves one way out. And then gives me a stern, loving push. I close my eyes and hope for the best. So far so good. He really does know what He's doing.

Hugs,
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Old 02-21-2003, 02:21 AM
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gosh i wish so much i could change, some changes take money which i dont have, but of course some dont. some come when you are finally ready to change and JUST DO IT.. i wish i could practice what i preach but right now i cant,, and i dont know why... i just dont know why.. scared to rock the boat, scared to let my son know what his dad does, scared to let the 2 older grandkids let them know... so so much.. scared i will cause my mom to die cause she is so worried about what others think...
when my brother went on one of his schyzo fits about 3 years ago and went into other peoples houses scaring people to death and then hid underneath a well known car dealer's car.. well she withdrew and still wont go to church afraid she will run into people that he went into their houses.. she worries so much what people think, this town has about 5000 people in it and they all know us and practically our history.. already getting her out of the house takes a wild herd of horses..ha.. so all i think about is her.. i just cant do that to her.. ihave already done enough to her.. so i just put on my pretty face and go on,, except i cant put back my 25 pounds back on that i have lost .. so of course she knows something is going on,, but wont really ask..
so no i wont change probably until something else comes to a head like it did 2 nights ago.......love you all nana
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Old 02-21-2003, 04:57 AM
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Pinpoint change focus

I think one of the greatest gifts this program has influenced in me is the need to focus my energy on changing me. Changing the things I couldn't control has been one of the things I have strove to do all my life. As co-depend. you know the ways I have gone through to try and prompt those changes in others and life itself.

I have God so strong in my life now. I have had to learn how to pursue peace. Everyday. I have had to really pound in my thick skull that I have a choice everyday on what to put my thoughts on. I have a choice everyday on how much power to give my feelings, and the choice of whether or not to act on them.

What I'm learning, very gradually mind you, but am learning, is to choose positive thoughts towards that peace that only God can grace to us when we let go. I am learning to not act on those negative and unmanageable tendencies which I will struggle with forever. I am learning to not ask my A, not call my A as often (and only when I want to talk) to force outcomes.

Thanks for posting this thread. I have made progress......
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