joyX

To tell the truth, I am really uncomfortable on this website. I don't like being accused of anything. I am not a ''codie'' or whatever you like to call yourselves.Just because I am dating an addict doesnt mean that i am a codie. Just for an update, he's doing great. He moved out of his moms and is doing incredible on his own.

Regardless of my past experiences, I am here for help. And even if I didn't always like your answers, I got them nonetheless.

I am a chronic liar.

It's really hurting my relationship w/ the love of my life, and I don't want to lose him over it. Today I realized it more than ever. And I realized that I needed help. I'm not bad, I hardly ever tell big lies. But the little ones I tell a lot. Now my guy thinks that I'm cheating because he can't trust me. Do I blame him for not trusting me? No. But i'm no cheater.

So if somebody could give me direction, I'd appreciate it a lot. Of course, I can only help myself, and the first step to getting better is admitting my problem. So I think ive done myself a lot of good tonight.

best

With out going back and reading your past posts to see who said what, I would start by saying that almost "all" of us have co-dependent abilities. To what degree is another matter.

Why do you lie?
Protect self?
Protect others?
Guilt?
Shame?
Self esteem?

Try looking for the answer and when you find the answer to that question, you will find a starting place for correcting things.

joyX

I know why I lie.
I lie to avoid conflict.

But it always results in more conflict.

best

So you will need stop doing things that bring on the conflict or start walking through problems rather then around them. Problems stay when we walk around them. Walk through them and they have a way of getting taken care of.
Choice...
#1 Good conflict that brings solutions
#2 Bad conflict that brings more conflict.

Looks like dealing with things works better?

joyX

Funny thing is, I went to a party that he already told me that he didn't care if I went to. Then I proceeded to lie and tell him that I was at home and I wasn't going till later.

I don't know why I did it, because it's not like he was going to be mad at me.

I'm just not used to having a life besides him and my job. so maybe I feel like I have to lie because Im experiencing something different

I'm not quite sure why I do it. I just know that I'm ready for a change.

best

If I do nothing wrong, I have nothing to hide.

Going to a party... I won't do anything wrong, nor do I plan on doing anything wrong. In my thoughts though, am I building up a fantasy I know I will never follow through with? Something like that could bring out a guilt and thus a lie to cover up my guilt.
See how my finding the reason I would lie gives me a place to start working on a solution?

aztchr

It's serving a purpose somehow. You said you want to avoid conflict, but it sounds like you are seeking the attention that a conflict will bring. This way, you have to justify what you have said and try to get someone else to forgive you, it's a little controlling. Just a thought... Maybe you wanted a different reaction from him about going to the party.

joyX

Okay.
Here's some thoughts.
I wanted to be able to show him that I could go to a party without him so I could hold my own. He's afraid that if I go by myself that I'll have guys hanging all over me and I'll just let them because I am afraid to say no. I wanted to make him proud. I wanted it to be almost like a surprise. Maybe that is why. Like I didn't want him to know until the last minute.

I had no bad intentions going in. Another reason why I think I lied to him is because whenever I am with my friends or something and he calls he won't talk to me because he thinks that it is rude to talk on the phone when you're with other people. He's so polite. But anyways, I really wanted to talk to him. So I lied so that I could talk to him.

GettingFree

Hi joy,

I'm not sure what your understanding of codependent is, but I can understand if you're uncomfortable with labels. But I agree with Best. I believe most of us on the planet have codependent tendencies -- it's a matter of how much they sabatoge us and lead us into negative or self-destructive behavior.

Healing from my own codependence is about becoming more grounded and confident in who I am. It's about being comfortable with me and my choices. It's about learning that I don't have to alter my behavior (or feel a need to cover it up, as you are) to meet anyone else's expectations or get their approval. It's about being able to stay true to my own values and beliefs.

As you're discovering, lying (in order to avoid someone else's reaction, in order to avoid jugdement, etc.) is hurting you. It's sabatoging your ability to be trusted and to be seen as a trust-worthy person. That's a pretty self-destructive trait.

Best asked some great questions in asking why you lie. If you can start to see that the lying is a knee-jerk reaction to avoid others' reactions or judgments, what can you do to develop more confidence in your own choices, regardless of what others will think. What can you do to develop better boundaries?

miss communicat

check out Morning Glory's POST from today. Its FULL of helpful insights into behaviours that we might like to improve. Good luck!

miss communicat

Its called "Overcoming the Need to Fix".

Lying is a form of needing to control people, places and situations. In a nutshell.

And, the need to control is addressed well in her post. good luck!

Zoey

joy, I do not like labels either, but it is a form of shorthand. I really hate a nasty, windy day. so I try to ignor it,and get through it.

Here on SR we are free to take what we can use and leave the rest.
We are free to express our feelings about things, so it was fine what you said, but hopefully try to not let it keep you from hearing the good and helpful stuff.

I do like they do on TV, just let my mind go "Bleep" when I hit a label.
One word I hate is "should". My problem ! as lots of people in our lives say it to us. Not on here but among friends etc.

Take what you can use and leave the rest, and keep coming back!
I am glad you are here. I believe you will overcome your problems! in AA it is called "defect of character" from AA Big Book.

(First thing I heard in AA is, "this is an honest program") You might try some open AA meetings, lots to learn there. Just a suggestion, I think AA is fantastic.

joyX

Well, here's an update.
He thinks I cheated. I did not.
He won't believe me, and I don't blame him for not trusting me, but it hurts that he honestly thinks I would cheat.
He said that he almost overdosed last night.
I think it was painkillers and pot. Frankly, I dont give a **** about pot, he uses very casually, and he's on painkillers for his back.
I just pray for him all the time. He'll be alright, he always is. And he says that he loves me too much to break up with me.
Anyways, this is my reality check. No more lies for me. I don't lie often or about big things. But I'm not going to tell those silly white lies anymore.

Keep me and my bf in your prayers. Things will be alright. It's the waiting that is torture.

wraybear

Why should he believe you when you admit you are a liar? I would be very
suspicious if I was him.

Sounds like he definitely has a problem - drug and mental. Overdose? Hello? Whether he actually did or not is another story, but either way, sounds like a problem! Addicts are notorious for taking too much of their pain medication etc... sounds like you may be in a bit of denial as most of us codies have been.

Wonderful that you are praying for him. But, "he'll be alright, he always is" hmmmmm, many addicts die from this disease. I know six personally and hear about others frequently.

I will say a prayer for you and him. Not sure what you are waiting for though. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Stopping your lying is a good start.

Take care!

mallowcup

I'm not wild about the term "codie " either. It seems like a cute nick name for people with serious problems. Like calling someone ******** a "tardo".