JessicaNAJ

To do what I need to do.

I told G last week, we'd try it one more week. I have to stand my ground. I have to tell him to leave.

I can't take this anymore. I deserve better.............................

JessicaNAJ

I'm going to tell him to leave and he's going to make me feel guilty. He'll yell at me and tell me how stupid I am. I'll try to convince him that I have a good reason to want him to leave. He'll yell at me some more and it will turn into a huge stupid fight. I'll end up beggin him to stay so I don't feel guilty.

A friend asked me.....how stupid can you be you dont spend your money on drugs

My response..... but I am.....because I'm supporting him.

I don't want to help him anymore if he can't help himself. I have to stop listening to his lies or denial that things will be different.

God help me stay strong..............

DesertEyes

Hey there,

God is right there with you. And so are we. How about you call up some local al-anons, they'll be a whole lot better support in real life than we can be thru the puter.

I'll be praying for you this whole weekend, and every day after so that you can find the strength inside of you.

Mike

Morning Glory

Jessica,

I've never been able to take a stand with my son without feeling guilty at first. Anything new we do is uncomfortable. You can acknowledge that you feel guilty, but you don't have to let the guilt control your decisions. You don't have to give an explanation. You don't have to fix the guilt right now. You can work on that later. If he starts yelling go shopping or to a movie.

aztchr

Here's a little saying I like...
When we don't quite feel like we know what we're doing, we're really growing and getting stronger.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes. You'll make a decision when you are ready. We're here for you!!

denny57

((((jess))))

He cannot make you feel guilty any more than you can make him drink. Your own personal issues make you feel guilty - I know, I was there not so long ago. When he tells you how stupid you are, think to yourself, your opinion of me is none of my business.

It might be best to end it there. Practice contrary thoughts and actions. DO NOT try to convince him you have a good reason, a bad reason or an indifferent reason. Know in your heart that whatever your reason, it is a good reason for what YOU need to do for YOUR life.

I really, really know how difficult this is. You can do it - you can take back your dignity and life.

JessicaNAJ

It just really sucks b/c during the week it seems like he's sincere and he really wants change and life this life with us.

I don't understand???

That is what I call lies and denial.

denny57

Jess, it could be when you think "it seems like he's sincere" that it is your desire to have it so, not his reality. You may be projecting your hopes and dreams onto an illusion. Only you can get to the bottom of what is keeping you locked in. He's got it pretty nice right now. He's liking it, you're not. Can you accept that it will always be that way?

JessicaNAJ

He voluntarily helps with the kids, he seems happy, he helps with the household stuff, he tries to make things easier for me when I'm overwhelmed or stressed out. He went out of his way this morning to tell me he'd see me tonight.........but each weekend he chooses to blow his check and feed off of me all week. That is so not fair. I feel like he's using me. I get miserable, I get angry b/c I believe him, and my actions do affect my kids. They know...even when i don't say anything.

denny57

I believe he is using you, Jess. You have to decide if you're willing to be used. I don't mean that as a judgment of his or your characters. It's just a fact. Only you know why you believe him week after week. He has a nice setup right now that works for him. Can you accept that for the rest of your lives? Can you accept that nothing you do, hope or wish, will make him stay home weekends? Perhaps it's time to change your focus and start working on making this situation, as it is, work for you. Fair? No, but you have the power to change your life.

aztchr

Sounds like he is trying to earn points with you in advance during the week to make up for the weekend events. Manipulation? It isn't fair and you don't have to accept it. You and your children are most important. He is not another child, unless you allow him to be. You can't change his weekend behavior, but you can change your reaction to it.

prodigal

I can understand your dilemma and confusion. He's being a "nice guy" all week long. Naturally, you appreciate his kindness and believe he is turning over a new leaf. Then the weekends come. Now a pattern has been set. You have to see that this pattern has not been broken. It's time to give up the ghost, so to speak. His denial is fueled by manipulating you. Your denial is fueld by you believing him.

You are giving up his good part, but is it worth the hell he puts you through as well? People who truly love and respect themselves and their partner DO NOT behave this way. You deserve better. Go ahead. Jump off the edge of the cliff into the great unknown. Your Higher Power will not let you crash and burn. Just take the leap of faith, and remain steadfast in your decision.

ASpouse

......... sigh ....... and round and round and round you go! Jess, just do it! Feel guilty later. If he starts yelling, just walk away, or better yet, leave the house and on your way out, tell him "you have 1 hour to get out". I'll be back and if you're not out, I'm calling the police.

God, who the hell cares what an alcoholic/addict thinks of you? Actually who cares what anyone thinks of you ...... what matters is what you think.

This is so sad, and now the kids have been used to him being around, only to have him gone once again. Sigh .....

JessicaNAJ

sigh......I only wish I could see and feel things as clearly as you do.....maybe then I'd be a better person. OH....wait, don't we all learn from experience??? sigh.....

I'm doing the best I can.

sadface

Jess; I can't remember the exact title but have you read the book "When women love to much...and hope the men in the lives change" Something like that. I found it interesting It made me understand what and why I look for in a person. And how man USE us. Keep asking questions and read books. Read about alcoholism. With this knowledge it will give you strength to walk away or kick him out. And when you do it does not mean you have to stop caring about him. It just means you understand you deserve to be treated better.

ASpouse

Yes Jess we do all learn from experience. My frustration with your situation is how many times do you have to "experience" the same thing before you finally do something about it?

I liken it to woman who are abused. They hate the abuse and want to leave it, but it's the only form of "love" they get, so they stay and feel they deserve it.

It's not only me that see's your situation clearly Jess, if that was a shot at me, it's everyone who replies to you, everyone see's your situation so clearly, everyone except you!

So, if it's support and sugar you want, here it is:

"Jess, I'm sure you'll do the best for yourself and your family. Good luck".

That's the best I can do.

gelfling

This is part of the method to the madness and insanity of the disease. Good guy/bad guy. By hanging onto the times he's a good guy causes great anguish and pain for you when he does his thing.

denny57

I learned over and over again that when I reacted defensively to someone - including my therapist, my doctor, people here at SR, people at Al-Anon, my friends, etc. about my AH and my situation, it was because most times they were striking a nerve.

There's really nothing else to be said Jess. I still think you might find at least a little peace if you could just accept then, that this is your life. Release him and yourself from all expectations, take care of your children and get on with things as they are. That is the reality.

jojo

Jess -

I joined this site before you did and have followed your story from day one. I know how difficult this has been for you. He was living with you and then he moved out. Now he is back. The only difference in your story is his mailing address. I have asked you this before but what are you getting out of this whole mess? You have to be getting something or you wouldn't continue to live like this. You can't make him into someone else but you continue to try - over and over again. If you can't get over your feelings of guilt for wanting him gone, how about developing some guilt over what this is doing to your kids? Let go of him and think about how much happier and emotionally healthy your kids would be without them having to live this nightmare.

Try and look at it this way - what you and your husband want or need from each other doesn't matter. As a mother, you have a duty, a responsibility, to give your kids the best life that you can. As a mother, surely that is what you want for them. I think that you are agonizing over the wrong person.

When you tell him that he needs to leave, instead of arguing with him what would be wrong with saying, "Our kids don't deserve to go through this any longer. I won't allow either of us to continue to mess up their lives."

Jess, how can you make any other decision?

Jo

ASpouse

Jojo,

I think Jess feels she has to go through this in order for her to move forward. She feels this is something her HP has put in front of her to overcome.

I suppose we all can manipulate things any way we please to make us feel as if we are doing the right thing. (Codies are just as good master manipulators as are alcoholics, I sure know I was).