LaTeeDa

You're right, it isn't fair. But, that's how the disease works. If they were jerks 24/7, most of us probably would have kicked them to the curb a lot sooner. It's the "nice guy" part of them that keeps us hooked. When you realize that the nice guy is only paying dues so the addict can stay, then you can let go of both of them.

L

CatsTail

Jessica,

If you really, seriously don''t understand the game of "Sucker" he is playing with you so he'll keep getting his free lunch then can you read some stuff on abuse and emotional manipulation?

He can;'t make you feel guilty unless you let him.

You have a choice, you aren't a victim.

Ngaire

CatsTail

Hi Jessica,

I was just wondering why after what you found out about the coke and how it's been for the last two months would you say try one more week? And what do you expect in one more week? He is a very sick active A. Do you think he'll get well in a week?

And for the umpteenth time What about your kids?

Ngaire

GettingFree

Hi Jess,

Part of what kept me in my marriage was a fear of being on my own and questioning how I would manage with young children solo. I really questioned my strength and coping abilities.

When you talk about the plusses of G being around, this is what it seems you're focusing on -- his help with the kids, helping with the house, etc. I know that I understimated myself for a long time. What I eventually learned is not only could I handle it, but the truth was that being on my own -- even though it technically added up to more work -- was easier than carrying the emotional drain alongside the bits of help I used to get with him in my life.

If any of this resonates, try and remind yourself of what I used to tell my daughter from the time she was born (and still do sometimes even though she's 18 now!) -- you are a strong, smart, kind, creative, brave, mushy-girl (she was mushy as a baby!).

You can do it on your own -- you don't need the crumbs you're getting to survive.

best
gf

BigSis

Jess...

How many times has he said, "I'll be better"?

How many times have you said, "I'll leave you"?

Does that number match? It did for me.

Actions, not words. The words (his and yours) mean......
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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nothing.

wraybear

Hey girl!

Jessica, please remember it is ACTION that we MUST see - not sincere words. We can't see WORDS. Words are just WORDS whether they are sincere or not. And many of us have been in your shoes and prayed those sincere words would turn into sincere action.

Yes, my AH is sincere when he says those words too. I really do believe that. But their words don't mean much and you know that.

So, accept the fact that yes, he is sincere with his words. But, that doesn't mean he will follow through. ACTION ACTION ACTION.

Hope you have an "action plan" in place for you and the kiddos! You have done it before, you can do it again!

I will pray for you.

I miss this place.

JessicaNAJ

Thank you. That is why I'm hanging on the "using cocaine". That is a huge NO NO and something I will not tolerate. I won't support a drug habit. This is just a sad example of what this disease can do to a person. And I am going to be the example of the person who reached her limit. I think I found my chicken.

JessicaNAJ

Because he sounded remorseful...made plans. I believed him when he said he was focus his time on the wrong people. I believed him when he said he was going to make things right. I believed him. I should be able to believe my husband, but.....I realize I can't believe him anymore.

JessicaNAJ

It did strike a nerve. (My apologies to Judy)

You are right. I have done what I felt was best for my kids....it's a hard pill to swallow when I realize I'm wrong....or messed up.

They love it when their dad is here. They seem happier. But I won't keep putting them through the same disappointment I put myself through. I won't put them through seeing me get upset b/c he let me down again. I won't let him walk all over them anymore.....Did I tell you he took money from them? I didn't think so. I didn't say anything b/c it happened about 4 weeks ago. I believed him when he said he took it b/c he was broke and needed cigs and pop for work. I believed him when he said he had every intention of paying it back. But if he hadn't blown his money on Coke, he would never have had to take it.

G told me the truth would make a difference. That I'd hold this over his head. He told me he was going to change this "pattern" and focus his time on us...where it should be. And now that I knew the "truth" I'd hold it over his head. I told him I already "knew" (at least I had suspicions b/c of the obvious and what I'd heard), he just confirmed it. Him telling me the "truth" does not have any effect on my decision at all. Him lying to me over and over again.....does!

JessicaNAJ

I agree. And I have not told him to leave with meaning it. That is why I haven't said it up to this point. I want to mean it when i say it. and I will. I just haven't seen him yet since yesterday, or heard from him. I need to read this thread b4 I talk to him too.

JessicaNAJ

Wray It is so good to hear from you!!!!

I agree with everything you said, that is what I've held on to. Now, his actions are screaming and I have to make my actions scream too.

prodigal

I assume since you haven't heard from him since yesterday it is because he's out "partying" or whatever the heck he does when he's absent from home. I'm puzzled as to why you need to read this thread in order to mean what you say to him. At this point you are NOT going to mean it 100 percent regardless. He's going to pull every rabbit out of his hat to manipulate you with enough guilt that you'll doubt yourself. He doesn't have to do that. You doubt yourself anyway. Look, you have children to consider. Kick his butt to the curb, deal with him later, and get your kids into a good space! Sure they will miss him - but he manipulated them too.

I DO understand your situation. I lived with a sociopath, woman-hating, wife-beating, pot-head/alkie for many years. The last two were a living hell on earth. I finally just walked. Did I doubt myself, did I second-guess myself? YES, but I am a codependent and that's what WE DO. Looking back on what I did six years ago as of June 20, I do not regret it.

I lived in a really crappy situation for about three months after I left him, and then things began to improve. It took about a year before I was really back among the living. You, and YOU alone, are buying time with this one-more-week- junk.

There is not a single person on this board who can make you believe in yourself. That is between you and your Higher Power. Maybe you should start discussing this with our H.P. I think you will find the strength you need there.

JessicaNAJ

I didn't mean it to seem as if I needed to read this thread to "mean" what I said to him. What I was getting at was I would read this thread to find the clarity and strength (through my feelings) to do what I needed to do.

You are absolutely right. I read, today, in my book "Getting them Sober", to say it once. If he starts doing or saying whatever....walk away. That's what I'm planning to do. Its ironic. I don't get a chance to read much, but when I pick up this book today, it targeted exactly what I need it to.

TRISH1011

Jess, I wish you strength, I wish you support and I wish you the absolute best, but honey, it ain't going to be that way with him.

I was in your situation once upon a time, about a decade, slightly different and easier for me in that I didn't have children, but my friends and family just about alienated me over the fact that I was with a no good SOB who used me, emotionally, financially and physically in order to obtain drugs. Four, five years after I met him, I couldn't handle it anymore. As the prosaic saying goes "If you can't beat em, join em"...and "join em" I did. With a venegeance. I became a speed junkie and an alcoholic. The first of which I was for three years, the second of which I am still trying to fight my demons, fed by my anger and rage...remaining still after five years of being free (technically) of him. I left him in 2002, on a completely clean slate, that is to say, I was still an alcoholic but I had eradicated illicit drugs from my life.
I had no friends, nowhere to live...but here I am. Still thanking every day I have clean, with a fiance that loves me and a permanent job. I guess what I am trying to say...is yes, you have a difficult struggle ahead of you either way, but the only one that will allow you to be thankful for later - is to make him go.

He is not for you.

My fiancee gave me a choice. Him or alcohol. I've been doing my darndest to let him know it is him. I am not infallible. I've relapsed once or twice. However, he knows that I am trying so hard. He has all of my money which I willingly put into an account which only he can touch with my permission but I have absolutely no access to unless I ask for it. Even then, I don't go out without him and go home straight from work. I do not carry any money on me. My partner handles making sure the car has fuel and that I have transport for work. Beyond this, lunches and coffees I take from home. If we go out on weekends, it is together. Sure, it's painful, for now, it means I can't go out with friends on my own, nor do I ever have money on me which means forget the occassional treat, spontaneous shopping or lunch with work buddies. However, this is worth it. Until I regain his trust and am confident that I will not abuse it when I do get it back, I am willing to allow this to be the circumstances through which my partner and I can settle down, get the mortgage paid off etc.

If he was ready, he would be willing to go along with such a scenario. That or rehab. He would get serious about becoming sober. If he is not willing to make compromises or sacrifices for the family, then he is not ready yet. And unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it.

My heart is with you though. I am hoping that he does get his act together. However, if he does not, it's time to let go.

Hugs
Trish

CatsTail

Hi Jessica,

It's the word you used "remorseful" Just to let you know remorse is a great manipulative tool to get you to back down.

Ngaire

CatsTail

Hi Jessica,

There was some good advice someone gave about finding another counsellor to help you put things into action. Maybe that could be something to consider.

Ngaire

ASpouse

Jessica, I hate to say this, but from the things you write and the way you seemingly manipulate the situations you are involved in, you sound more off balance than G does!

JessicaNAJ

He's gone....I'm not off balance. What b/c I don't have the gift of posting in a way that you understand??? I'm not even going to try to clarify or explain. I'm tired.

I'm hurt. I'm confused. But its for the best of everyone involved.

denny57

(((jess)))

Pick-a-name

Who knows.maybe HE even believed it when he said it. Doesn't really even matter (although I know what it feels like to really start to accept that the man you have loved and trusted and believed has been lying to you. That is where my grief comes in and reality starts seeping in.) He is a sick man. His good intentions without actions (outside help) mean nothing. If he COULD have stopped himself and if he had WANTED TO STOP, he would have taken them. That is just the sad reality of it all. I understand the frustration,etc.,etc. of it all....................and sadly it doesn't change a thing for me to wish it wasn't true. Of course, you know that,too. I think our natures to want to give people the benefit of the doubt (especially our husbands) is what keeps us hanging on even though we know in our heads that we need to let go.we are being dragged.

Jessica, I think you are right to do what you can at the pace you can live with. You are getting there...keep posting. We are all here for and with you.

Hope you and your kids have a nice day!