New to this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Originally Posted by ASpouse
.
... she needs to communicate her needs and wants to him in a calm, adult manner. To sit and stew and be mad, be kind, be bitchy, be nasty is playing games. Calmly sit an ask for what you want and need.
You will find this true even in a non-alcoholic relationship.
Heck in everday life really.
Men and women are wired differently. My ex husband could walk over
a pile of s**t and not think anything about it......I used to complain when
we were first married how he didn't help out around the house....
He said "all you have to do is ask" ASK you live here too....
His priority was different than mine, if I wanted a clean house then I did it.
If I wanted a clean car I washed it...if I wanted an afternoon out I found a
way to do it.....Mind you when and if I asked him to help he did more than
his fair share.....men just need to be asked....and we need to communicate
our needs in order for them to be met....period.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
I have to add my 2 cents here.
First of all I can understand COMPLETELY why you are so upset and hurt. I was exactally where you are with my ex when he started his recovery program. I also have to agree that IMHO that is not what a marriage is....
Maybe Real Life is different then what I expect, but if Im going to be married Im going to give it 100% and to be quite honest I do "expect" the same from my spouse. Now I do realize that life happens and there will be times that is it is 80/20 on both sides... but there has to be a balance in the relationship and there has to be a common concern coming from both parties.
My second marriage was alot like you described. He was not an A but his behavior was in my opinion selfish. When we were first married I accepted that he was not responsible for my daughter and I did not have a problem taking 100% care of her and he would "help" me out. That though is only because he was not her father.... had he been the story would be different. Later we ended up with custody of his 2 children (long story but I did not have aot of choice in that) I agreed to this with the understanding that he was going to have to "pick up" his end of the responsibility.... Needless to say even after we talked, counceling etc.... he did not "get it". I was still working full time, cooking, cleaning, running the kids to sports events... etc. Not only was I now a single Mom like normal, I was a single Mom of 3 kids.... I had a fit, threatened, reminded, fought ... you name it I did it to try to get his help/attention to releave me of just a little stress. He would work, then go to the gym and then usually spend time with family or friends etc... when he was home he was down stairs watching TV.
SO .... yea I do understand why you would be SO angry and hurt. This is probably not what you signed up for. Im not going to assume to understand someone elses recovery program, so I wont say much on his 11 years soberity (congrads to him) and needing to attened so many meetings. Also I want to point out that when we ALL first come here we are tender and full of anger and pain... PLEASE feel free to vent all you want.
The problem with feeling like you are is that you doing that alone too. I dont really know how to find a solution for it. For me I finally figured out there is no solution in changing him or getting my needs met by him. That is who he is and there was no changing it. I got really tired of being unhappy and decided that I would not live like that. When I made the decision I was not angry just plain old done. I came to understand that I was done complaining because nothing happened except I felt bad.... SO ... I set my boundries, what I would and would not accept.... and clearly communicated these boundries to my spouse and the conquensious (sp) of what would happen if we could not come to a balance in our lives.... I ended up ending the marriage a year later like I told him I would.
He was a great guy, but life changed and we would not adapt to the changes in a way that both of us could live with.... But I was not misserable anymore, I was not over worked, stressed, resentful, angry etc....
I dont think your being selfish at all in wanting a partner that is actually a partner in the business of raising you child and creating a home. Personally I would not settle for less then that for very long either. Maybe it is selfish but If Im going to do all the work and live the life of a single Mother I dont see a need to have the added work of a person who has no intention of even trying to meet my needs.
Just my thoughts.
First of all I can understand COMPLETELY why you are so upset and hurt. I was exactally where you are with my ex when he started his recovery program. I also have to agree that IMHO that is not what a marriage is....
Maybe Real Life is different then what I expect, but if Im going to be married Im going to give it 100% and to be quite honest I do "expect" the same from my spouse. Now I do realize that life happens and there will be times that is it is 80/20 on both sides... but there has to be a balance in the relationship and there has to be a common concern coming from both parties.
My second marriage was alot like you described. He was not an A but his behavior was in my opinion selfish. When we were first married I accepted that he was not responsible for my daughter and I did not have a problem taking 100% care of her and he would "help" me out. That though is only because he was not her father.... had he been the story would be different. Later we ended up with custody of his 2 children (long story but I did not have aot of choice in that) I agreed to this with the understanding that he was going to have to "pick up" his end of the responsibility.... Needless to say even after we talked, counceling etc.... he did not "get it". I was still working full time, cooking, cleaning, running the kids to sports events... etc. Not only was I now a single Mom like normal, I was a single Mom of 3 kids.... I had a fit, threatened, reminded, fought ... you name it I did it to try to get his help/attention to releave me of just a little stress. He would work, then go to the gym and then usually spend time with family or friends etc... when he was home he was down stairs watching TV.
SO .... yea I do understand why you would be SO angry and hurt. This is probably not what you signed up for. Im not going to assume to understand someone elses recovery program, so I wont say much on his 11 years soberity (congrads to him) and needing to attened so many meetings. Also I want to point out that when we ALL first come here we are tender and full of anger and pain... PLEASE feel free to vent all you want.
The problem with feeling like you are is that you doing that alone too. I dont really know how to find a solution for it. For me I finally figured out there is no solution in changing him or getting my needs met by him. That is who he is and there was no changing it. I got really tired of being unhappy and decided that I would not live like that. When I made the decision I was not angry just plain old done. I came to understand that I was done complaining because nothing happened except I felt bad.... SO ... I set my boundries, what I would and would not accept.... and clearly communicated these boundries to my spouse and the conquensious (sp) of what would happen if we could not come to a balance in our lives.... I ended up ending the marriage a year later like I told him I would.
He was a great guy, but life changed and we would not adapt to the changes in a way that both of us could live with.... But I was not misserable anymore, I was not over worked, stressed, resentful, angry etc....
I dont think your being selfish at all in wanting a partner that is actually a partner in the business of raising you child and creating a home. Personally I would not settle for less then that for very long either. Maybe it is selfish but If Im going to do all the work and live the life of a single Mother I dont see a need to have the added work of a person who has no intention of even trying to meet my needs.
Just my thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Originally Posted by pmaslan
You will find this true even in a non-alcoholic relationship.
Heck in everday life really.
Men and women are wired differently. My ex husband could walk over
a pile of s**t and not think anything about it......I used to complain when
we were first married how he didn't help out around the house....
He said "all you have to do is ask" ASK you live here too....
His priority was different than mine, if I wanted a clean house then I did it.
If I wanted a clean car I washed it...if I wanted an afternoon out I found a
way to do it.....Mind you when and if I asked him to help he did more than
his fair share.....men just need to be asked....and we need to communicate
our needs in order for them to be met....period.
Heck in everday life really.
Men and women are wired differently. My ex husband could walk over
a pile of s**t and not think anything about it......I used to complain when
we were first married how he didn't help out around the house....
He said "all you have to do is ask" ASK you live here too....
His priority was different than mine, if I wanted a clean house then I did it.
If I wanted a clean car I washed it...if I wanted an afternoon out I found a
way to do it.....Mind you when and if I asked him to help he did more than
his fair share.....men just need to be asked....and we need to communicate
our needs in order for them to be met....period.
Same here Patty and I say about Jay all the time "he just doesn't think about it" and he doesn't he really really doesn't think about things.
Here's a stupid example: I am so obsessive about fixing our bed! I will not go to sleep unless the bed is made. I've been known to fix the bed at midnight before hopping in and going to sleep. So yes, it's an obsessive thing with me. I even make sure my kids beds are made. But I know if I go away for the weekend to a dog show, or visit my sister or to the beach and he doesn't go, I know he won't fix the bed and when I come home the first place I go is to the bedroom to fix it. I've asked him, begged him, screamed at him, please please fix the bed. For him, not a big deal to not fix it, he feels he's going to mess it up anyway (and he's right). My husband to this day will not, ever ever fix the bed. So this battle is at a stalemate. I've accepted that in this instance I'm not going to get what I want from him, but he will do so many other things that I don't have to do. So for me, I don't mind doing what I do, he does so many other things for me that they more than make up for what he doesn't help me with!
But wherever this takes them both, I truly hope it works out for everyone involved and a happy peaceful solution can be found.
P.S.: No, I'm not in therapy for my anal retentive position on fixing the bed, but it is the butt of joking during a family get togethers and my mother does not know how this came about as I never cleaned my room nor fixed my bed as a kid! LOL
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: nowhere
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by ASpouse
I am so obsessive about fixing our bed! I will not go to sleep unless the bed is made.
That's funny. I do the same thing!!! I'm happy to hear I'm not alone!!
BTW, I see your points. I see everyones point. I have alot learning to do...though I still say husband could be more attentive to her needs - at least 1 day out of the week.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
Cynay
As I posted early on in this thread, my feelings are very similar to yours here. I could not see myself accepting this kind of inequity in roles, and I very much understand desprate's frustrations. That said, what she does about her frustrations is the key in bringing the focus back to her so she gains clarity about her options and her own happiness.
I think Judy is right on one thing -- this may be more of a marriage/relationship issue than a recovery issue, at least in terms of sobriety.
Desprate,
I think this comes down to a significant difference between two spouses on the division of roles, values and expectations on maintaining a home and raising a child. It's unclear what part recovery plays in this. This difference can exist, addiction or no addiction in the picture.
For some spouses, a traditional division of roles is fine with both and works and everyone is content. For other spouses, there is a value placed on sharing roles more equally both inside and outside the home -- and if they both agree, then again there is contentment.
So it's not about being right or wrong - it's the fact that you don't share the same values and views on this.
Just as no one has power to change an addict's behavior but the addict themselves, nor can you change your H's views on his role in the home. All you can do is express your disatisfactation and what you would like to see. And alongside that, you can begin defining better for yourself what your boundaries are.
If your husband is unwilling to negotiate, to respect your boundaries, or to see a counselor to work on coming to a better understanding, you'll have to evaluate what you have -- and if the differences are ones you can accept or if the differences are too great for you be happy.
What do you need to be happy?
gf
As I posted early on in this thread, my feelings are very similar to yours here. I could not see myself accepting this kind of inequity in roles, and I very much understand desprate's frustrations. That said, what she does about her frustrations is the key in bringing the focus back to her so she gains clarity about her options and her own happiness.
I think Judy is right on one thing -- this may be more of a marriage/relationship issue than a recovery issue, at least in terms of sobriety.
Desprate,
I think this comes down to a significant difference between two spouses on the division of roles, values and expectations on maintaining a home and raising a child. It's unclear what part recovery plays in this. This difference can exist, addiction or no addiction in the picture.
For some spouses, a traditional division of roles is fine with both and works and everyone is content. For other spouses, there is a value placed on sharing roles more equally both inside and outside the home -- and if they both agree, then again there is contentment.
So it's not about being right or wrong - it's the fact that you don't share the same values and views on this.
Just as no one has power to change an addict's behavior but the addict themselves, nor can you change your H's views on his role in the home. All you can do is express your disatisfactation and what you would like to see. And alongside that, you can begin defining better for yourself what your boundaries are.
If your husband is unwilling to negotiate, to respect your boundaries, or to see a counselor to work on coming to a better understanding, you'll have to evaluate what you have -- and if the differences are ones you can accept or if the differences are too great for you be happy.
What do you need to be happy?
gf
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
