Truffles

Hi,

I just found this site, I just need some advice. Here is the story.

My husband has been drinking and doing coke for over a year. In Dec. he went to the hospital 3 days and seemed to stop for awhile. During this time he was involved with another woman. He said he liked the wildness with her with the drinking and drugs. I'm not sure what feeds what the drinking and then the drugs or the other way around.

The begining of the month he got into an accident and received tickets and a DUI - he told me he was done, over with her, the drugs and drinking. Granted I have heard this before. But he said this was his rock bottom. He also lost his job, for not showing up.

The month was going good, he seemed so much better, refused to go for any treatment. Well the other night I find out he was doing drugs and drinking again. He knows he doesn't have it in him to just turn it off. I told his because he is and addict and an alcholic. He said he relapsed and that was it, well it happend again on Mon. and then last night he went out and didn't come home.

We were seeing a therapist together but he doesn't want to go anymore. She has told me to go to an Al-Anon meeting.

I just can't beleive I am going thru all of this again - will Al-Anon help even with him being involved with drugs? What do I say to him when I see him? I have said to him what is his rock bottom - when he kills someone!

Thanks for listening - I just feel sick to my stomach that I am going thru this again. Why is it so hard to tell him to leave?

ChildlikeFaith

Welcomg to SR, Truffles. I'm sorry to hear you are going through all of this.

When my AH and I attempted to sign up for marriage counseling, they told us that they wouldn't see us until he had six months of sobriety because marriage counseling wouldn't do any good if he wasn't working on himself.
They also suggested Al-Anon and one-on-one counseling for me. Both have been a tremendous help.

Al-Anon focuses on you and your issues not on his problem. Through Al-Anon, you'll learn how to take care of yourself and how to take your focus off of him and his addiction and put it back where it belongs, on you getting better.

Right now, all I can suggest is that you work on yourself. Take care of your needs, and let him deal with his stuff.

You're in my prayers. ((((hugs))))

fartheralong

Because you love him, you wouldn't have married him otherwise.

Welcome to SR, glad you found this place. It's AWESOME!

Al-anon is for YOU. You go to help YOU. Not help with him being involvoed in drugs. Or maybe I just misunderstood what you were saying. I don't have a local alanon here closer than sixty miles and that's twice a week late. So I do the online thing and ONE day will get to a face2face meeting. anyway, it's my belief that AlAnon will give you the tools to help you cope either with his drinking or drugging. You're right that it's his problem, or rather problems. But please don't think that YOU going, will help HIM. He has to help himself and like my AH, it sounds as if he isn't ready to honestly help himself. AlAnon is for YOU. Just remember the three C's.
You didn't cause it.
You cannot control it.
You cannot cure it.

I've no advice to tell you what to say to him. I'd read the stickies at the top. There is a wealth of information on this site alone. I'm also reading CoDependents No More by Melody Beaty (I probably misspelled her name). It's a wonderful book. I've also bought through a UBS The Alcholic Marriage and One Day at a Time in AlAnon. I've got a stack more, but that's all I've read so far. Wonderful books that shed light on difficult sitations and helped me to understand my role/roles in all of this.

Again, welcome and keep posting. And remember: you're not alone in this.

FA

Cynay

Welcome to SR... we are glad that you found us.

Yes Al-anon will help but again its for you not to help you fix/change him.... only he can changes and that is only if he wants to.

I also agree that its hard to leave cuz you love him, but you know what you dont have to make any decision at this moment..... so learn all you can about the disease and get some support for you... This could be a long journey and the more you understand and have support the better you will be able to cope with all of it.

Stick around, read the stickies up top and I look forward to getting to know you.

denny57

Welcome Truffles

Glad you are here. As the others said, Al-Anon is for you. But I understand what you say. The first time someone suggested it to me, I was sobbing and saying but HE HAS THE PROBLEM. So that's natural. I am so glad I was guided into those rooms.

Learn all you can about alcoholism. Your husband can't have a "relapse" if he doesn't get sober in the first place. Abstaining from alcohol is not the same as sobriety.

Please keep posting. You will find wonderful support and understanding here.

ChildlikeFaith

This is such an important thing to learn. My AH abstained from alcohol for six months at one point. I kept wondering why he was still acting like a jerk and had horrible mood swings and still kept lying, etc. My dad (whose been in the program for 2 1/2 years) explained "dry drunk" to me. He also explained that the alcohol is just one of the many symptoms of the disease.

WantsOut

My husband's favorite word was relapse. He'd claim he'd been sober for three weeks, with only three relapses. lol

reikihelps

Dear Truffles,

You found a good source of support. Keep posting here. It's available at all hours and that is a wonderful thing. I am glad to hear you are giving Alanon a try. Stick with it. I think I attended about 8 meetings before anything started to sink in this thick head o mine! But once you start to get it, it is so helpful. You can share any feeling you like in a meeting as long as it's about you and you can count on others having the same experiences. There is so much Wisdom available.
I will say a prayer for you.
((best))
Reikihelps

dollydo

Welcome to our world, one of dis-appointment, stress and heartache.

The only way out is to set your bounderies and stick to the. And, you must detach. It doesn't mean you don't love your husband, is just means you love yourself first and formost. Work on you, start your recorvery...it is the only way to become a whole person again.

You are in my thoughts,

Dolly