My Life (and pain) has become unmanageable
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Here and now
Posts: 93
My Life (and pain) has become unmanageable
"Some of us become trapped in unhealthy relationships,unable to extricate ourselves. Some of us become isolated, terrified of risking further involvement because we feel so unable to take care of ourselves in relationships and so frightened of being disappointed and hurt again."
From Melody Beattie's "Codependence Guide to the Twelve Steps
It is a pretty good description of me right now.
From Melody Beattie's "Codependence Guide to the Twelve Steps
It is a pretty good description of me right now.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hey that is a great book about working the 12-steps for codependants. Keep reading and start working and I promise your life will get better.
We do not have to remain victims, we do not have to be miserable and sad, we do not have to live with anxiety attacks around the clock...we can choose to change.
Just take some time every day to focus on your recovery. Take a little piece at a time and work with that, and pretty soon the scattered pieces fit together in the puzzle and a beautiful picture begins to form.
We do not have to remain victims, we do not have to be miserable and sad, we do not have to live with anxiety attacks around the clock...we can choose to change.
Just take some time every day to focus on your recovery. Take a little piece at a time and work with that, and pretty soon the scattered pieces fit together in the puzzle and a beautiful picture begins to form.
Paused
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: portland, oregon
Posts: 37
Alongtimegone,
I really feel for you because I have been there. But I truly believe that there are simply wonderful people out there who are worthy of your trust. And having been through a rough experience like this one will make it MUCH easier to spot warning signs or red flags early on, and will actually protect you from going through this again. I think that's a gift in disguise. And knowing how to steer clear of bad situations will make it easier to guide yourself to a much better place, and better people!
Don't give up hope!
Hugs,
kate
I really feel for you because I have been there. But I truly believe that there are simply wonderful people out there who are worthy of your trust. And having been through a rough experience like this one will make it MUCH easier to spot warning signs or red flags early on, and will actually protect you from going through this again. I think that's a gift in disguise. And knowing how to steer clear of bad situations will make it easier to guide yourself to a much better place, and better people!
Don't give up hope!
Hugs,
kate
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Along,
My counselor always tells me that everybody she sees is in a lot of pain. That is because no one ever goes for help when they are getting by..it is when we are in so much pain that we don't know what to do anymore that we go for help. We want someone to stop the pain., that's why we are there.
So, I am sorry you are hurting, and I hope this pain yields to the help you deserve.
Last night I dreamed I was trying to desparetly sneak a call to A and every time I would get to that point I would forget the number.
In the past I would have taken this as a cue to "reality test" and called him for real.
Now, I am just taking it as a hangover of what I have been through...
and we are all laughing at the part of not remembering the number...everybody has said...do ya think it's trying to tell you something. I'm chagrinned...but...
what can I say?????
we both know the drill!!!!!
love,
live
My counselor always tells me that everybody she sees is in a lot of pain. That is because no one ever goes for help when they are getting by..it is when we are in so much pain that we don't know what to do anymore that we go for help. We want someone to stop the pain., that's why we are there.
So, I am sorry you are hurting, and I hope this pain yields to the help you deserve.
Last night I dreamed I was trying to desparetly sneak a call to A and every time I would get to that point I would forget the number.
In the past I would have taken this as a cue to "reality test" and called him for real.
Now, I am just taking it as a hangover of what I have been through...
and we are all laughing at the part of not remembering the number...everybody has said...do ya think it's trying to tell you something. I'm chagrinned...but...
what can I say?????
we both know the drill!!!!!
love,
live
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Here and now
Posts: 93
Thanks everyone
I really appreciate the support I am getting here. I am doing the homework in Melody Beattie's book.
I will see my counselor soon.
I am feeling the hurt, and not trying to numb myself.
I am making an extra effort to find things that make me smile throughout the day.
I am trying to figure out what it is that "keeps me hooked." (any answers Live?)
I am going to get through this, and am grateful that my HP remains with me all the way.
Thanks again everyone!
I will see my counselor soon.
I am feeling the hurt, and not trying to numb myself.
I am making an extra effort to find things that make me smile throughout the day.
I am trying to figure out what it is that "keeps me hooked." (any answers Live?)
I am going to get through this, and am grateful that my HP remains with me all the way.
Thanks again everyone!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
:shades:
I'm not quite off the hook, along.
He hasn't spoken with me for mos. I DON"T KNOW THAT I AM IN CONTROL OF HOW I WOULD BE ABLE TO HANDLE THE HOOK
But, I know I wouldn't be reeled in.
love,
live
I'm not quite off the hook, along.
He hasn't spoken with me for mos. I DON"T KNOW THAT I AM IN CONTROL OF HOW I WOULD BE ABLE TO HANDLE THE HOOK
But, I know I wouldn't be reeled in.
love,
live
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Along, it has been about 3 mos since the final break up.
In the past, 3 mos would have gone be and nothing substantial would be resolved, I would be in the same circle, trying to make it different.
As it is, 3 mos have gone by. I still hurt, but I am not spinning in the same circle.
And I hurt less. At least there are no new wounds being inflicted.
Last night I had a dream that wasn't about A! And it really gave me hope that I can turn the corner.
I haven't dated yet and wondered if I had it in me. Now, I know in time, I will.
And this will be a bad memory.....not a current haunt.
In the past, 3 mos would have gone be and nothing substantial would be resolved, I would be in the same circle, trying to make it different.
As it is, 3 mos have gone by. I still hurt, but I am not spinning in the same circle.
And I hurt less. At least there are no new wounds being inflicted.
Last night I had a dream that wasn't about A! And it really gave me hope that I can turn the corner.
I haven't dated yet and wondered if I had it in me. Now, I know in time, I will.
And this will be a bad memory.....not a current haunt.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Along,
You are doing the right thing by taking care of yourself. Counseling is a great idea, I think. It's always helped me just to get another view from someone who isn't stuck in the middle of all the confusion.
Continue to look after #1. You have to cause no one else is going to do it for you.
Just know you have a support group here and you WILL survive this. I'm praying for you.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
You are doing the right thing by taking care of yourself. Counseling is a great idea, I think. It's always helped me just to get another view from someone who isn't stuck in the middle of all the confusion.
Continue to look after #1. You have to cause no one else is going to do it for you.
Just know you have a support group here and you WILL survive this. I'm praying for you.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Here and now
Posts: 93
New hurts being inflicted
What Live said about at least there are no new hurts being inflicted really hit home. I feel that everytime I turn around there is a new betrayal or hurt to face.
I tried to explain my need to heal to my husband. He knows that I suffered the loss of a child, and he knows how that impacted me. I have healed, but the scar is there, and always will be.
I tried to tell him that all these hurts and boundary violations are similar to what it would be like for me to see a dead baby every single day of my life. I guess it didn't make much of an impact.
He is always angry at me for whatever my thoughts/feelings/opinions are, and I am always trying to justify/explain myself. It's madness. there is no other word for it.
I am trying to imagine what it would be like not to feel hurt everyday, or afraid of what other terrible things are out there waiting for me to face.
I tried to explain my need to heal to my husband. He knows that I suffered the loss of a child, and he knows how that impacted me. I have healed, but the scar is there, and always will be.
I tried to tell him that all these hurts and boundary violations are similar to what it would be like for me to see a dead baby every single day of my life. I guess it didn't make much of an impact.
He is always angry at me for whatever my thoughts/feelings/opinions are, and I am always trying to justify/explain myself. It's madness. there is no other word for it.
I am trying to imagine what it would be like not to feel hurt everyday, or afraid of what other terrible things are out there waiting for me to face.
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Ogdensburg, NY
Posts: 30
Wow...it is hard to be hurt everyday and be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know this very well, not just with my A but also with my teenagers. I had to take a drastic step in my life to stop the hurt everyday and it wasn't easy and it didn't stop all of the pain. It gave me moments of peace that led me to recovery. That is where I am now. I am beginning my recovery and my wounds are scabbed over but could open again at any moment and have opened many times since I separated from my A and my son decided to go live with him. God led me to Al-Anon and I am so grateful.
I can feel your pain. Take heart in that you are imagining what your life would be like without the hurt everyday. Miracles really do happen. Let God take over and work in all our lives.
I can feel your pain. Take heart in that you are imagining what your life would be like without the hurt everyday. Miracles really do happen. Let God take over and work in all our lives.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Along,
we've been sisters in this.
It is really truly startling as I re-learn to live again.
Today the earth practically shook when it came to me in full impact that I was and could make plans....I had gotten so into one day at a time, coping with the chaos and the unknowable, never making any plans, that it was conditioned right out of me...and, then I accidentally caught myself planning my garden...and realized what a shift that was...and I am very excited to have control in my life back...something I took for granted so much before this I can't imagine that I would give it up even forget it!
On the hurt-o-meter, since it isn't being flung in my face continuously, I don't think about it much, it is there because healing takes time and I am dealing with the after effects, but no, no raw torn-up aching......but it is like removing schrapnel...and I never forget it....but I think I am starting to recuperate...
we've been sisters in this.
It is really truly startling as I re-learn to live again.
Today the earth practically shook when it came to me in full impact that I was and could make plans....I had gotten so into one day at a time, coping with the chaos and the unknowable, never making any plans, that it was conditioned right out of me...and, then I accidentally caught myself planning my garden...and realized what a shift that was...and I am very excited to have control in my life back...something I took for granted so much before this I can't imagine that I would give it up even forget it!
On the hurt-o-meter, since it isn't being flung in my face continuously, I don't think about it much, it is there because healing takes time and I am dealing with the after effects, but no, no raw torn-up aching......but it is like removing schrapnel...and I never forget it....but I think I am starting to recuperate...
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Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: texas usa
Posts: 32
your first post, well that is me...and will be me for quite a while..
and you know what. i really feel it is my choice,, but i just dont know how to get out of the mood i am in.. i called the bank today and i am 650 overdrawn,,, thank goodness i live in a small town that they know me and they have covered my checks and they know that a direct deposit will be there thursday.. and then i have all these bills i have to pay besides this overdrawn.. all those bank fees.. oh my gosh.. my supper was popcorn and chocolate and tea.. oh well some people dont have that..
and i am full so that is all that matters. i want to work on my recovery , or i think i do.. i really dont know. right now i dont know what i want. or what to do or what to pay or anything..
like i said once.. i am just ready for God to come and get me..
but you see i am selfish, i am only ready if it is time for God to come for everybody.. boy am i mixed up or not and i am even not on anything..
i hope you feel better and can work on your recovery.. and i know you can.. somehow we all will... and we are all going to have good lives someday.. i just know it.
and you know what. i really feel it is my choice,, but i just dont know how to get out of the mood i am in.. i called the bank today and i am 650 overdrawn,,, thank goodness i live in a small town that they know me and they have covered my checks and they know that a direct deposit will be there thursday.. and then i have all these bills i have to pay besides this overdrawn.. all those bank fees.. oh my gosh.. my supper was popcorn and chocolate and tea.. oh well some people dont have that..
and i am full so that is all that matters. i want to work on my recovery , or i think i do.. i really dont know. right now i dont know what i want. or what to do or what to pay or anything..
like i said once.. i am just ready for God to come and get me..
but you see i am selfish, i am only ready if it is time for God to come for everybody.. boy am i mixed up or not and i am even not on anything..
i hope you feel better and can work on your recovery.. and i know you can.. somehow we all will... and we are all going to have good lives someday.. i just know it.
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