He says he won't make it without me...
 

He told me last night that he can't get sober without my help and support. What do I tell him? He thinks I am turning my back on him. I am actually.
I have two kids (not his kids) and I can't have him in my house. He claims he can't do it without me. He says since I kicked him out he can't even function.
I just don't know what to tell him. Thanks for any advice.

I know that one get to me too... Crazy as it sounds I use to love when they said they could not do it without me, made me feel important to them...

But the truth of the matter is he can make it without you if he wants too... and you know that. You have children to think about as well and they dont need his chaos in their lives. Even if he chooses to get sober the first year is going to be a rollercoaster ride.

They will lay the guilt on you pretty thick hon, maybe no contact for awhile?

I know how hard it is. He has to do it on his own. For himself. If you mean it, tell him you will be there when he gets sober. If he uses this as an excuse to not get sober, you will know that he isn't serious about it.

I don't think you are turning your back on him. You are allowing him the dignity to make his own choices and get well. Your priorities - you and your children - are straight.

Hang in there.

thanks....
 

I don't want to make him promises that I can't keep either. He hasn't worked since February. Now of course he can't work because I have ruined his life. He still blames me and everyone else for where he is at right nos.

If he can't do it without you, then he can't do it period. I hate to sound cold, but this is manipulation. That way if/when he fails, he has you to blame. Don't fall for it. It's not up to you, it's up to him.

L

I don't know that I have any advice really, other than just stick to your guns. You set the boundry and I know for me, following through on my boundries was one of the hardest things I ever did. Took me several slips to realize he was still walking all over me because I was allowing him to by not upholding the boundries I set. In my situation, I know my AH (STBEXAH) he said the saem thing: Baby I love you. I can't do this without you.

At one point he just broke down in the kitchen crying nad yelling how he needed my support. How in the hell could he get through this, survive this if he didn't even have the support of his g.d. wife.

sigh.

Not to sound cold, but later I realized that whether he intentionally did it or not, it was a manipulation tactic. Another way to lay the blame at someone else's door if he didn't sober up. Why if he dind't have MY support ,then by default the blame must be laid at my door. BTW, the next day it was his family's fault for the same reason.

Is it hard? You bet your a$$ it is. Here's someone you love that is begging you for help, and you know if you give it to them, it will only hurt them more. It hurts. It's confusing.

I believe in you. You know what the right thing is or you wouldn't be here. Sometimes, it just isn't the easy thing. Or it wasn't for me.

Of course that doens't answer your orginal question, does it? I don't know what to tell you to tell him. I just know that I told mine if it made him feel better to blame me, go ahead. I was used to it. The difference was that I knew only he could do this. No one else could carry this burden for him. This was a battle he had to fight completely solo or he would lose.

not that it worked. At least on him getting sober. For me, greater peace of mind and a clearer view of detatchment. I figure I'm a work in progress. :)

Good luck. Stay strong!
Hugs,
FA

Amen to what Denny said, you will know he is serious when you see if he gets sober or not. He has got to want it. My AH said the same things to me, that he would die without me, that he needed me to be his wife and supporter, and that he didn't know what to do if I wasn't there to help him. Now, this is the guilt they try to pull on you and you musn't put too much stock in it. It's nice to feel needed but he will continue to drink and step over your boundaries as long as you let him. He can do it himself, he is just feeling desperate right now and not putting together that he has the key to save his marriage if he tries hard to work his program. Sadly, mine didn't do it. He reverted backwards and just when I think he has reached his bottom, he falls even further. I hope you have better luck than I did. (((HUGS)))

Sigh... That's so hard to hear/deal with. :worried: I like the way denny phrased what you could say to him, if you want to. I'm learning from here that you don't really have to be mean to keep your boundaries in place. Good luck getting through this part. It's no joke, and I expect to be in your shoes shortly so I'm glad this topic is here for me as well. Even though from a distance it sounds like such classic manipulation, it's hard to feel that way when you're the one on the other end of the line.

Oh God, he'll make it without you .... these alcoholics, you just gotta laugh sometimes!

Yes, sadly others might look at you like you've lost it though. hahahaha. I figure that's okay too. I'd rather be laughing than crying any day. but then, I have often been told I have a warped sense of humor.

FA

It's just manipulation so he can get back in and lie on your couch.

Can you not answer your phone when he calls?

Ngaire

Stcik to your boundaries and protect your children

He'll say anthing at this point. He's in all out panic mode. Maybe no contact would give you some peace during his difficult time?

Just keep telling youreself it's active alcoholic nonsense.

If he came back he'd be lying back on your couch drunk in 2 seconds flat with you doing everything for him.

Ngaire

I always found the analogy of a drowning man to be apt. He's drowning and grabbing anything he can find. "I can't do ti without you" is just a desperate ploy from a desperate man.

Protect your children. You are all they have.

You can not live some one else's life for him, (or her).

It is futile to invest more effort into his life than he does for himself.

I have a doctor whose philosophy is that she'll work as a partner for her patient's health, exactly as hard as the patient is willing to work.

Back when I was in college, one of my buddies had a diabetic friend. My buddy believed in "tough love." When his friend said "please get me a drink from the 'fridge," buddy said, "I shouldn't have to wait on you in your apartment! I'm your guest!"

The diabetic was blind from his disease...earlier than he had to be. He had threatened his girlfriend that if she broke up with him, he wouldn't take his meds, (she'd been conned by him into giving him the injections), and his condition would be her fault. He did show up at her apt after several days, weak and sick. She closed the door on him and called an ambulance.

You know what? He deserves to have a great life and love, as much as you...and if you know you can never feel about him that kind of love, and if you have the stones to end it, more power to you. I figure if YOU KNOW, you'll never love him again, you're not doing him any favor by sticking around and pretending you will.

He CAN'T work because YOU have ruined his life??? Oh, brother. Doesn't sound like someone who is ready to seek sobriety in light of the fact he is blaming everyone else for the mess he got into by his own doing. I agree with others here - don't answer your phone. Better yet, if you so desire, get an unlisted, unpublished phone number. If he comes knocking at your door, call the police. Yeah, he's definitely in panic mode. I hope he doesn't go off the deep end to the point that he starts harassing you or getting physically abusive.

He's manipulating you!! He might well believe his own words but YOU know as soon as you give in and let him back in it'll go back to the way it was within a matter of a few days.

He doesn't sound like he's ready to quit, he's blaming you.....

Keep saying to yourself "He'll be exactly the same"

He knows how to pull on your heart strings, he's losing his comfort zone and going all out to get it back...

I'd tell him he may or may not make it without you. That remains to be seen. the sad truth is that one thing is for sure, you won't make it WITH him. I'd tell him if he doesn't think he can make it without you, he is not in any shape to meet his responsibilties as a husband or father. I'd tel him that one of you needs to make it, one of you needs to meet the bills and put food on the table. I would tell him that fear motivates you. becaue of him it has to right now.

No contact and he'll be fine. If he can't do it all on his b/c he wants to for himself (NOT for the sake of your relationship only), he won't do it period. It's HIS problem and only HE can fix it. You are not bound to him in any way. Stop taking those calls and don't buy into the BS that he's spewing forth.