jackson123

I made him leave Sunday. Now I'm getting all the phone calls and text messages begging me to let him back. It's so painful. All the crying, begging, promises.
He's claimed he'll do something drastic. I finally talked to him last night to make arrangements to get the rest of his stuff. He was drunk as usual. It was 8:00pm and he was already wasted.
He thinks I am being mean. He doesn't understand that I cannot have him in my home with my children. We are not married. I own my home.
I've supported him for the last year and a half. I let him live with me for nothing and verbally abuse me while he was drunk every night. I started opening his mail because it would sit there for weeks. Past due insurance. Overdrawn bank account. Late truck payments.
Why do I feel so sorry for him? How can someone who treated me so badly say that he can't live without me.
Sorry to vent but it was a really bad night.

deax

I understand. I'm in for the same thing in a few days probably with the calls and stuff. Others will give you better advice but I think how you feel is normal, as long as you loved him, regardless of stuff he's done, the separation is going to hurt. And of course you feel bad for him- you spent all this time caretaking him and watching him not take care of himself (my bf does the same thing with just completely disregarding his bills, etc) that you probably don't think he can or will do take care of his life at all without you. That is sad and pathetic and that's why you can't help feel sorry for them. But evryone will probably tell you it's his problem, not yours. You probably already know that. But it's one thing for your brain to know something, until your heart comes around. My bf has spoken of suicide before; I don't think he'd do it, claims he doesn't have the balls and he can't even write a suicide note, but he's said it during times of relative calm. I dunno if that's the same "something drastic" your ex means, but that's another piece. If you don't fall for that "manipulation," what if they actually do it? Imagine that guilt, even though we didn't make it happen. Heavy things to have to think about.

Anyway, I am very sorry for you and just wanted to post something since I understand how you feel and it'sreally hard. I know, and you know, that you did the right thing. But best wishes to you as you move through it.

Cynay

Dont ever be sorry for venting.... That is why we are all here hon.

Im sorry your struggling and I know its SO hard when the crying/begging starts but always keep in the front of your mind why you did this and pay close attention to the children and how they will start to relax without all that around them.

Of course he is spouting all this now and when he says he cant live without you he is trying to manuplate you .... he had a good thing going and now its gone and he wants it back, Alcoholics need enablers so of course he begging.... if you take him back it will save him the hassle of having to go find another enabler.

Hopefully what he does drastic is hit bottom and get help. Praying for all of you.... Keep the faith and stay strong

Pick-a-name

I am so sorry.it must tear at your heart.

My AH left me and our kids without a call for a few weeks.......(found out later he was angry at me). Either way, it hurts but has to be done. We owe it to ourselves and our children. Wish there was another choice, but until (if) they want to get well; that is all we can do.

I will keep you in my prayers.

deettah

So sorry for your pain Jackson, this story is a sad and has repeated itself in many of our lives. You cannot let his irrationality affect your decisions, you took the first big step and it was what was best for you and your kids. I did not listen when the wonderful folks on her told me that no contact was best and when I would take his calls and read his texts it brought me down into a depression I could not see a way out of. You musy stop contact for your own peace and sanity. Only you know what's best for you and you babies. ((((HUGS))))

Jazzman

This is the ONLY way you can help him now. Unless he's faced w/ fight or flight he might not ever fight... for himslef and his sobriety.

LaTeeDa

They have an endless supply of words, don't they? Tell him you are only listening to actions from now on. Tell him if he makes good on all those promises, through ACTION, then you will believe him. I know it's hard, but try to remember, quack, quack, quack.

L

jackson123

Thank you. I hope he does choose to fight. I also turned off my phone. Out of sight out of mind. Thanks again.

kermit

I know all to well how you feel. It is still so very hard for me and it has been 5 months. Mine will not get the help he needs, that is his decision, mine is to make me better for my kids. Good luck and stay stong! Keep posting it helps more than you could posiably imagine...

Tally

I know how you feel..I've finished with my ABF twice in 3 years and both times I've took him back...
It's so hard to ignore them and not believe their lies...but thats all they are, lies.
They'll say anything to get their comfort zone back...and then it's straight back to normal..Urgh!

You're doing really well, and the thing about watching their actions and not listening to their words speaks volumes.

jackson123

I know that you guys have been in my shoes and know my heartache.

jackson123

The Missus..... Not to be nosey but do you regret taking him back each time? You really don't have to answer if you don't want.
I kicked ABF out about a month ago. He begged and promised to come back. I let him back when he SWORE that he would stop. Of course he didn't. He drank and passed out everyday after he was back. I told him when he came back that he had NO MORE chances. That was it. He apparently didn't take me seriously.
Did it take long after you let him back for the old habbits to start up again?
Thanks

ChildlikeFaith

I'm going through a lot of the same things right now. I told my AH to come get his stuff. He came and got some of it, but he keeps making excuses about the rest and sends me text messages and e-mails. I quit answering the phone and won't see him in person, so those are the only ways he can contact me.

I know, deep down, that the best thing for me, my kids, and even him is for me to quit "helping" him. It is the same with you. If you keep "helping" he won't help himself. You're doing the right thing.

You're in my prayers. *hugs*

MsPINKAcres

(((Jackson)))
So sorry to hear your pain - remember you and your children deserve a safe and serene place to call home. You should not have to dread going home. Everyone deserves a "safe haven" And living with active drinking sometimes takes that away.
Take care of you, maybe try to find an Al-Anon meeting, depending on how old your children are - maybe Alateen for them - most of all - keep coming back so that we know you are safe!!
One Day At a Time,
Rita

Tally

He's like a different person for about a week (still drinking though) and then it starts sliding back to normal..then I regret it yeah.
I regret it more when the bickering starts, or he gets drunk and the rants start, I regret it alot.
It's difficult though. I know the best thing for me would be to leave him, but I'm not at the stage where I can yet..if things carry oon this way I'll be where you are now soon enough and I hope to have the strength I need to break free.
He can be so lovely sometimes and it messes with my mind.

As far as ur A is concerned, I don't think he takes you seriously because he's learnt from past experience that if he lies enough, makes enough promises then you'll take him back....same with a child, you tell them "no", so they throw a tantrum and then you give in...he knows you'll give in because you have before. I think the idea with boundries is to set them and keep to them.

If my ABF and I have a fight and I tell him I want him gone he laughs, because he's heard it so many times before and I always back down. (he'll be shocked when the time comes where I dont though eh!)

You have to do what is right for you at the end of the day..if it got so bad that you threw him out then it must have been bad, remember those times, remember the really bad times, and KNOW thats what you'll go back to if you let him back. He won't change until he wants to for himself, it doesn't matter what you threaten, what you say...those bad times will be reality again.

jackson123

Thanks. I've been living in my bedroom for the last 6 months. He passes out on the couch in the living room by 6:00pm. He stunk so bad of Vodka and snored so loud that no one could watch TV in there. I get my house back.

Tally

Uhuh! I guess you have to think of all the positives about him NOT being there, and remember the bad times when he was there...it's hard though isn't it? I wish I had ur strength 3 months ago!

cinderellawkids

Im dealing with the same thing. It tears your heart out. Its ahrd enough just making them leave, but when they beg and plead its even worse. My husband asys How could I have jsut stopped loving him like that when he has not actually used in a few weeks (not sure I beleive that) He's telling em How much Im breaking his heart. I know its breaking but mine is too. You'd think sooner or later they ahve to realize we would not do this without a pretty good reason. I want so bad to run to him and cry but I cant it would just confuse him more

fartheralong

(Hugs) Jackson, stay strong. It's not always easy. But you know what you want and need, you'll get there one step at a time. And I agree, the phone calls, the begging and pleading, the turn around 'guilt'. the How-could-You's, the You're-just-giving-ups..... So screws with the mind--or they did MINE.

Like Cinderellawkids, I just keep thinking, he'll realize sooner or later. Then I realize, mine probably won't. It's just sad no matter how you look at it.

FA

Zoey

jackson, About what he might do, such as suicide, can you tape his calls, if can't save can you use a tape recorder, play and tape??
If he mentions anything that sounds scarey call 911, they will put him into protective custody. You will have the tape to show police.

This is just a suggestion, we never ever know what people will do. I think I have read several times, that if you call police, and they get taken in then they stop that game, if it is a game. No matter my suggestions you should go with your gut feelings.

Scarey but some A's at meetings tell how they tried to end it, but failed.

If we can't swim and jumped in to save SO ,both die. childern are orphans.

Life is cruel. we would rather have surgery instead of our child, but the child has to go thru it ,risk and all, in order to get well, in order to live.
Heartbreaking! hugs