New Relationship with an alcoholic
 

I recently met a girl and started dating her. It happened so spontaneously that it was beyond either one of our control. Neither one of us was looking for a relationship, so that is of course what came about. I live in Tampa and I work in for the military as a defense consultant. I have a very high security clearance and as a result I have to maintain a clean lifestyle. I can drink but in moderation, drugs of any type are out of the question of course. I met this beautiful girl inside and out and before we knew what had happened we were smitten with each other. The problem is that she is a bad A. She also is addicted to XanaX, She was prescribed them for what happened in her past. She was involved heavily before we met in the drug sub culture....Mainly GHB, XTC, and COKE. She told me she has flat lined on four separate occasions and been resuscitated. She also has a long arrest record all alcohol related offenses. Within the past month of dating her I have contributed to her downward spiral wihtout even realizing what I was doing. She does not have a problem with beer, hard alcohol is another animal though. Tequila and Vodka are her demons. She told me she drinks to numb the pain. What I am about to say is very graphic. She was gang raped by four guys two years ago and when the tapes were discovered by the police after a homicide she was forced to witness her own sodomy and rape in order to Identify the culprits who are now in prison for a very long time. After this she started to dance in nude clubs and to use men in her mind. Although the reverse effect was of course happening. She has to have two Xanax a day to clam her nerves this is down from the six when I first met her...So she is receptible to help and mediation. Last night she had a few Vodka martinins and told me she hated me and wanted to leave...I of course would not give her the keys and she threw a tantrum and called 911...The police arrived and tried to calm her down but it was not meant to be. She verbally abused one of the officers and exited the apartment. When she did that they shackeld her and she resisted without violence. She started crying and asked me not to let them take her away. The officers said that there was nothing I could do as she was charged with drunken disorderly as soon as she stepped outside the apartment door. I bailed her out this morning and she apologized and professed her love to me...She thanked me for sticking by her and she apologized for being abusive. She said that I was the best guy she had ever met and she didnt think that she was worthy of me and she would try to do everyting she could to push me away to prove herself wrong. With hte exception of infidelity that is one thing that she cannot handle and wil not do no matter how drunk she is. This has been confirmed by numerous outher sources. Well with her other offenses she is on probation and looking at a year behind bars if she doesnt straighten up. I have told her I would stick by her no matter what and help her through whatever hell we have to endure to conquer her demons. She has agreed to go to an inresidence substance center and start to go to AA meetings if I will go with her. I know it is crazy but this girl means the world to me and have the patience of JOB when it comes to her. I amaze myself everyday. I am not bragging just I really didnt know I had it in me till I met T. I had always been acused of being selfish and only out for my best interest. Evidently I have a thing for dating fallen angels or girls with emotional issues. I have my own demons as well but they are not addiction type things or anything evil. I am just asking for advice in general and someone to start a dialogue with so I can get some help. OBTW dont tell me to give up on her...I wont do that...

J

Hi tryptic
So glad you posted here... WOW. I am not gonna tell you to give up on her, but I don't think it is healthy to continue to bail her out, and "support" her as she continues on with her addictions. I am brought to tears to hear of the trauma she has been through and my heart goes out to her. It sounds like the alcohol and drugs are not JUST an addiction, but a huge coping mechanism, and of course to "numb the pain".
My first thought is that you should find an Alanon meeting for YOU. It is great that she wants to go to AA, and that you go with her - you two will learn so much. But it is also VITAL that you take care of yourself as well. It is soooooo easy to lose yourself in the fight to get HER help, and take care of her... but you simply cannot expect to be the one that "saves" her and brings her out of this disease - the ONLY person that can do that is HER. She needs to reach way down deep and find the courage and will to get help ON HER OWN. There is no rule that says you need to leave, and give up of course - she sounds like she really needs the love and companionship. What you might find happens, if you continue to "enable" her, and "bail her out" of trouble, is that she begins to find a way to continue to use the alcohol and drugs... why not? you will still always be there, and she is not suffering ANY consequences!
My most heartfelt thoughts are with you BOTH - I hope you can see clearly through this. Keep coming back here, and let us know what is going on.
Take care,
Meg

I wouldn't dream of asking you to
 

give up on her if you are committed to this relationship. I would ask that you keep your eyes wide open to what you are committing to. You seem to have a good grasp on what this woman's problems are, and what you are going to have to do as her partner. This is not an easy journey that you are embarking on. Please remember that her addiction is going to affect you, and therefore you need to take very good care of yourself. Also remember that her problems are hers to solve. I'm sure that having a supportive partner will be helpful in her recovery. But she has a journey of her own to take in terms of facing and beating her demons. Good luck to both of you. I am a firm believer in the phrase "only love prevails".
Peace,
Gabe