no contact for a year- does it work??
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Dont worry about talking about you.... that is what you should be doing, talking about, figuring out and focusing on you.
Always remember its only my opinion ... please dont take it personally.
To be completely honest with you, and again I know cuz I do it all the time, Your making excuses up in your head for a reason to talk to him. Your trying to open a window of opportunity for him to fix this.
I have no doubt that he heard you say a year. There is another part to this too.... Again you have set a boundry and told him 1 year, now you want to change it to 6 months... what kind of message are you giving him? If you will change it to 6 months and he did not have to take any "action" for you to do that, it would not take much work on his part to hook you and make it a month or a week.
I try really hard not to make statements like that only because I have issues with sticking to it... That is one thing my daughter loves about me, Im not consistant and always give in.... I am working very hard to change that and say what I mean and mean what I say. How can anyone respect my boundries if I dont respect them.
You know, after awhile we become just as sick as they are and in my case in the end I think I was sicker. Because you have said you dont even know what you want in a man and you have no idea about your future..... seems to me the issue is not about him, its about you and you have alot of work to do on you.
Always remember its only my opinion ... please dont take it personally.
To be completely honest with you, and again I know cuz I do it all the time, Your making excuses up in your head for a reason to talk to him. Your trying to open a window of opportunity for him to fix this.
I have no doubt that he heard you say a year. There is another part to this too.... Again you have set a boundry and told him 1 year, now you want to change it to 6 months... what kind of message are you giving him? If you will change it to 6 months and he did not have to take any "action" for you to do that, it would not take much work on his part to hook you and make it a month or a week.
I try really hard not to make statements like that only because I have issues with sticking to it... That is one thing my daughter loves about me, Im not consistant and always give in.... I am working very hard to change that and say what I mean and mean what I say. How can anyone respect my boundries if I dont respect them.
You know, after awhile we become just as sick as they are and in my case in the end I think I was sicker. Because you have said you dont even know what you want in a man and you have no idea about your future..... seems to me the issue is not about him, its about you and you have alot of work to do on you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
Minx- yes, thank you for that, the option of taking another 6 months after the first 6 actually seems doable to me and is more comforting than a year right off the bat. At least it'll let me know how I feel about him after a significant break like that and working on me, but ALSO if he's not making progress for himself by that point, then I don't need to waste another 6 months wondering! That's part of my thinking on it...
Cyan- Based on all you've said, your opinion is important to me and I appreciate the time you're taking to help me work through this. I know I am making excuses but here's the thing for me about the message I sent to him, since I'm supposed to be "clear and consistent": the person who advised me do this year thing say to say it very firmly, to say: "Do not contact me for 1 year and only if you attain complete sobriety in that year; if you do contact me before then, the year restarts from that point; if it happens more than once, I never want to see or hear from you again." After that was said, I was advised to not take any communications from him whatsoever. The thing is: when I did say it to him, I felt intimidated by the year so I said it all weak, like "I dunno, call me in a year if you get your life together" sort of thing. In your opinion, is it ok that I didn't state it more firmly? If you guys think yes, then I will start not answering the phone now. If you think I need to make myself clearer, then I will talk to him one last time and state the 6-month plan as clearly as I was told to. Or maybe I should just wait and see what he does say in a voice mail when (if) he calls.
Cyan- Based on all you've said, your opinion is important to me and I appreciate the time you're taking to help me work through this. I know I am making excuses but here's the thing for me about the message I sent to him, since I'm supposed to be "clear and consistent": the person who advised me do this year thing say to say it very firmly, to say: "Do not contact me for 1 year and only if you attain complete sobriety in that year; if you do contact me before then, the year restarts from that point; if it happens more than once, I never want to see or hear from you again." After that was said, I was advised to not take any communications from him whatsoever. The thing is: when I did say it to him, I felt intimidated by the year so I said it all weak, like "I dunno, call me in a year if you get your life together" sort of thing. In your opinion, is it ok that I didn't state it more firmly? If you guys think yes, then I will start not answering the phone now. If you think I need to make myself clearer, then I will talk to him one last time and state the 6-month plan as clearly as I was told to. Or maybe I should just wait and see what he does say in a voice mail when (if) he calls.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Yes it is ok you didn't state it more clearly..he knows what you mean.. trust me..
so don't answer the phone..
you are still trying to control the situation (if he calls, if you are together or not..etc..)
that's ok..we've all been there.
don't answer the phone.
so don't answer the phone..
you are still trying to control the situation (if he calls, if you are together or not..etc..)
that's ok..we've all been there.
don't answer the phone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
If it were me I would not do anything right now.
If I really felt I had to be more clear, I would write a letter because opening to window to talk with my ex is fatal.... He had such a hold on my heart and every time I would talk with him he would be able to hook me again... and then like Minx said it would bust all the work I had done on my serenty.
I had to change my phone number and just stop the madness... and it worked for me.
If I really felt I had to be more clear, I would write a letter because opening to window to talk with my ex is fatal.... He had such a hold on my heart and every time I would talk with him he would be able to hook me again... and then like Minx said it would bust all the work I had done on my serenty.
I had to change my phone number and just stop the madness... and it worked for me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Think of it in his terms.... one drink is too many, 1000 is not enough. If the Alcoholic takes that first drink he/she is right back where he started.
One call is too many and 1000 is not enough. If the codi makes/takes that one call they are right back where they started too.
One call is too many and 1000 is not enough. If the codi makes/takes that one call they are right back where they started too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
OK then. I'm going to take you guys' advice and I'm not going to answer/respond at all from here on out for a while. I was just delaying the inevitable anyway.
And Cynay, I would write a letter, but he's illiterate. He cannot read or write at 46 years old. Just another of the major issues he has to deal with in his life.
Thanks again.
And Cynay, I would write a letter, but he's illiterate. He cannot read or write at 46 years old. Just another of the major issues he has to deal with in his life.
Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
deax, I hope my first response to you wasn't harsh or hurtful. I did not mean it that way. Believe me, I've done my share of lots of stuff and making excuses and staying and believing and hoping....you know, all the endless misery. I know that everyones situation is different but so many things are the same.
In reading your post, about him, it doesn't appear if you looked at it honestly, that he has much to offer. He can't read, I'm sure lots of people can't BUT, in 46 years he hasn't tried to help himself? He doesn't work, he isn't reliable, etc. So to me, he has nothing to offer you at this time. Not on an emotional level, a finicial level....nothing. So why hang on to something that hurts you, to someone who disappears and isn't reliable, to someone who you're basically stuck at a certain level with having no room to move forward? Not to mention the drug/alcohol issues. Just seems that as hard as it is and believe me, I know how hard it is.....sometimes it's time to just save yourself.
In reading your post, about him, it doesn't appear if you looked at it honestly, that he has much to offer. He can't read, I'm sure lots of people can't BUT, in 46 years he hasn't tried to help himself? He doesn't work, he isn't reliable, etc. So to me, he has nothing to offer you at this time. Not on an emotional level, a finicial level....nothing. So why hang on to something that hurts you, to someone who disappears and isn't reliable, to someone who you're basically stuck at a certain level with having no room to move forward? Not to mention the drug/alcohol issues. Just seems that as hard as it is and believe me, I know how hard it is.....sometimes it's time to just save yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by sunshine003
deax, I hope my first response to you wasn't harsh or hurtful. I did not mean it that way. Believe me, I've done my share of lots of stuff and making excuses and staying and believing and hoping....you know, all the endless misery. I know that everyones situation is different but so many things are the same.
In reading your post, about him, it doesn't appear if you looked at it honestly, that he has much to offer. He can't read, I'm sure lots of people can't BUT, in 46 years he hasn't tried to help himself? He doesn't work, he isn't reliable, etc. So to me, he has nothing to offer you at this time. Not on an emotional level, a finicial level....nothing. So why hang on to something that hurts you, to someone who disappears and isn't reliable, to someone who you're basically stuck at a certain level with having no room to move forward? Not to mention the drug/alcohol issues. Just seems that as hard as it is and believe me, I know how hard it is.....sometimes it's time to just save yourself.
In reading your post, about him, it doesn't appear if you looked at it honestly, that he has much to offer. He can't read, I'm sure lots of people can't BUT, in 46 years he hasn't tried to help himself? He doesn't work, he isn't reliable, etc. So to me, he has nothing to offer you at this time. Not on an emotional level, a finicial level....nothing. So why hang on to something that hurts you, to someone who disappears and isn't reliable, to someone who you're basically stuck at a certain level with having no room to move forward? Not to mention the drug/alcohol issues. Just seems that as hard as it is and believe me, I know how hard it is.....sometimes it's time to just save yourself.
So even though he has nothing to offer me, emotionally I did get something from him. He really wasn't ALL bad to me at all, and he did make me feel loved. But the unreliability and inconsistency and lying was a form of emotional abuse, I guess, and I can't handle that part anymore. The rest of his problems, I feel like I could have handled. If he was there for me consistently and not drinking/drugging and going to work, I would have happily taken care of paying the bills and stuff he couldn't do. I figured fixing the addictions would come first and everything else would fall into place. But until then, this wasn't 50/50, I was just giving everything.
-------------------
By the way, I went to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight... not what I expected exactly, just 2 ladies who seem to know each other forever...and I didn't really relate to them much even though they were really nice and gave me their numbers. But I'm glad I went. I'm going to a different one tomorrow that's right in my neighborhood that I'm told is bigger. They said it might be good for me to go to both, one big and one small, where you can get into the nitty gritty of the relationship.
I find myself getting madder and madder at him about the lying and unrealiability all of a sudden, even though I'm still sad, whereas in every other breakup I got less and less angry over time.... I suppose that's good.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
You said:
This web has been tangled long before you met him.
This web is HIS. His to own, create, or untangle - IF he so chooses too.
The web is something that is part of HIM - therefore; he has to want to untangle it - make the effort to do so - and work through it. Not an easy task and one that takes alot of time, hard work, dedication, etc.
However - you admit that you kind of saw him as a project.
That you have tried to control him and control his life in many aspects.
You have been his babysitter, his mother figure, girlfriend, and acting as his counselor/therapist, his teacher and about any other role that you feel would be beneficial to him.
You have tried to take over and do things for him - that he should be doing himself.
You have felt alot of emotions throughout the ordeal concerning him, for him, and about him.
You have come to realize that you are playing a very active role in obsessing over him and about him.
So.......leave his tangled web to him. That is HIS!
Tell me what you are going to do about the tangled web of your own!
My problem is that I see a lot of his problems as a tangled web.
This web is HIS. His to own, create, or untangle - IF he so chooses too.
The web is something that is part of HIM - therefore; he has to want to untangle it - make the effort to do so - and work through it. Not an easy task and one that takes alot of time, hard work, dedication, etc.
However - you admit that you kind of saw him as a project.
That you have tried to control him and control his life in many aspects.
You have been his babysitter, his mother figure, girlfriend, and acting as his counselor/therapist, his teacher and about any other role that you feel would be beneficial to him.
You have tried to take over and do things for him - that he should be doing himself.
You have felt alot of emotions throughout the ordeal concerning him, for him, and about him.
You have come to realize that you are playing a very active role in obsessing over him and about him.
So.......leave his tangled web to him. That is HIS!
Tell me what you are going to do about the tangled web of your own!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
I see where you're coming from, I truly do.
I used to sound like that (still do at times) only, insert different things. My ah had a lot of stress, so that was his reason for drinking. He has a lot of responsibility on him, owns his own buisness, blah blah blah. Well, lots of people have these things but they don't turn to the bottle. And guess what? even if my ah didn't have such "stresses" he'd find a reason to drink. When he couldn't use that excuse anymore it turned on me....I put too much "pressure" on him, etc.
My point is, I'm sure not being able to read is embarrassing. I'm sure it is frustrating and I'm sure it causes him problems. But it isn't why he drinks/uses drugs. It might be his excuse. "well this happened, then that happened, so I said f it and got drunk." it's so silly. I mean how much stress/worry does it create for you when he pulls a disappearing act? Do you run out and get drunk? or stop paying your bills? NO, you worry, obsess a little but still pay your bills.
He doesn't need your guidance, he isn't a child. He needs to guide himself and it sounds as if he does. Only his map lands him drunk and irresponsible.
My ah does the disappearing act here and there also. He's say he'd be home at 7 only to waltz in at 3 or 4 or 5 am. Wouldn't answer his phone if I called. You know why? because he knows it's not right, he knows you don't do that to someone and he doesn't want to face it right then. He'll come home and say, "I lost track of time" or any lame reason. You don't lose track of 8 hours and simply tune out your phone/wife/kids at home. He'd act like, "why were you so worried, you know I"m fine." But bet your buck if I did that he'd worry and think the worst. So you see, they want to disappear and get aggravated if you're upset over it cuz they're an adult. Guess what? that's exactly right. they're adults. So they can disappear and we shouldn't worry.
Just as they can be irresponsible and do as your boyfriend is and he's an adult, it's his problem....no excuses, no reasons behind it. It's how he chooses to manage his life.
I used to sound like that (still do at times) only, insert different things. My ah had a lot of stress, so that was his reason for drinking. He has a lot of responsibility on him, owns his own buisness, blah blah blah. Well, lots of people have these things but they don't turn to the bottle. And guess what? even if my ah didn't have such "stresses" he'd find a reason to drink. When he couldn't use that excuse anymore it turned on me....I put too much "pressure" on him, etc.
My point is, I'm sure not being able to read is embarrassing. I'm sure it is frustrating and I'm sure it causes him problems. But it isn't why he drinks/uses drugs. It might be his excuse. "well this happened, then that happened, so I said f it and got drunk." it's so silly. I mean how much stress/worry does it create for you when he pulls a disappearing act? Do you run out and get drunk? or stop paying your bills? NO, you worry, obsess a little but still pay your bills.
He doesn't need your guidance, he isn't a child. He needs to guide himself and it sounds as if he does. Only his map lands him drunk and irresponsible.
My ah does the disappearing act here and there also. He's say he'd be home at 7 only to waltz in at 3 or 4 or 5 am. Wouldn't answer his phone if I called. You know why? because he knows it's not right, he knows you don't do that to someone and he doesn't want to face it right then. He'll come home and say, "I lost track of time" or any lame reason. You don't lose track of 8 hours and simply tune out your phone/wife/kids at home. He'd act like, "why were you so worried, you know I"m fine." But bet your buck if I did that he'd worry and think the worst. So you see, they want to disappear and get aggravated if you're upset over it cuz they're an adult. Guess what? that's exactly right. they're adults. So they can disappear and we shouldn't worry.
Just as they can be irresponsible and do as your boyfriend is and he's an adult, it's his problem....no excuses, no reasons behind it. It's how he chooses to manage his life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Texas
Posts: 34
Here's a quote that may help you. It's from David Deida:
Is it possible for partners to grow in different directions?
The one masculine trait that transcends a man’s purpose is his connection to truth. If your man’s connection to truth remains strong, his purpose might change as he aligns himself more and more with truth. For instance, for five years he may be totally dedicated to a business, then give it up and move into a monastery. Although this might look like a completely different purpose, this may be the closest way—for the present time—for him to live his truth.
If you ever wonder about your man’s new direction in life, ask yourself: Do you feel in your heart that his new direction is more aligned with truth or farther from truth?
Even if his new direction is aligned with his truth, is it aligned with your truth? You might not want to change in the same way that he is changing. How do you bridge that gap? Honestly, come into touch with what your truth is, what your heart truly wants.
Temporarily separate yourself from him to discover your own desire. Naturally as a woman who lives her man, you will be moved to embrace him. However, you may have a conflict between where he is going and where you want to go.
While you are apart from him, feel in your heart in whatever way works for you. It may be through talking with other women, through ritual, silence, or spending time in nature. Discover what is the fullest expression of your heart. What would satisfy your heart the most?
If his truth has carried him in a direction compatible with what would satisfy and fulfill your heart, then your relationship remains viable.
It sometimes happens that two people continue growing and their relationship changes. This is not necessarily negative. In their growth, one person’s truth may lead their daily life in one direction and another person’s in another direction. Sometimes these different directions are temporary and sometimes they last a lifetime.
How can I leave him when I still love him?
What you feel and what you should do aren’t necessarily the same; it is possible to love a man totally yet walk away from him. If the relationship is not appropriate, you can remain in love and still bring a relationship to an end. Your love, your heart, and your connection to God can be full and true, even while you are acting in this difficult circumstance.
Your head is your center of thinking, your heart is your center of emotional feeling, and your belly is your center of action. Your belly, just below your navel, is the place from which your action springs, your center of gravity. In Japanese culture it is called the Hara, and in Chinese the T’an-Tien. By relaxing into your navel area you learn to center yourself in dance and martial arts. This navel area is your center of power—the power to do.
Your heart may be flowing with feeling for a man, but your navel doesn’t have to follow that flow. You are free to act decisively and choose to leave a man even though you have strong feelings for him. You don’t have to shut down your feelings in order to turn your navel and move in another direction. It’s okay to love a man yet decide not to be in intimate relationship with him. It’s okay to turn from a man that you love and open yourself in love with someone else who will be a better partner for you.
Women are usually more moved by their feeling center than their action center, so it is difficult for them to walk away from a man they love. Most men are the opposite. They listen to their feelings very little. They are usually more involved with doing and thinking than with emotions. It is usually easier for men to walk away form a relationship.
As a woman, your balance is to remain in your feeling but act in accordance with your highest good, your deepest wisdom. Listen to your close circle of trusted friends. They usually can reflect what is best for you. Feel deep in your heart. Ask your highest self for guidance. Even though you love a man, it may be best to actively turn away from him, even as you continue to feel love for him.
How long should I wait for him to change?
This is a key to deciding whether a man is right for you. As he is right now, can you fully trust him? Or do you think that you could change him to a man you could trust? As soon as you find yourself thinking that you could change him, you are in trouble.
If a man is not already living a life that you would wed to yours, then do not commit in relationship, hoping he will change. It is fine to desire change and growth in a relationship, but you must trust him, as he is right now, in order to provide a foundation for growth in relationship and a basis for the practice of love. If you do not trust him as he is now, you don’t really have an intimate relationship.
So choose a man you can trust. Serve him in his growth so you can continue trusting him. But if you really don’t trust him as he is, then he will feel it. If you are waiting for him to change before you can trust him, you are locking yourself into a no-win situation.
Trust is the starting point of the practice of intimacy, not something to hope for in the future. In any case, if you find yourself staying in a relationship because you think your man might change, you are making a mistake.
The one masculine trait that transcends a man’s purpose is his connection to truth. If your man’s connection to truth remains strong, his purpose might change as he aligns himself more and more with truth. For instance, for five years he may be totally dedicated to a business, then give it up and move into a monastery. Although this might look like a completely different purpose, this may be the closest way—for the present time—for him to live his truth.
If you ever wonder about your man’s new direction in life, ask yourself: Do you feel in your heart that his new direction is more aligned with truth or farther from truth?
Even if his new direction is aligned with his truth, is it aligned with your truth? You might not want to change in the same way that he is changing. How do you bridge that gap? Honestly, come into touch with what your truth is, what your heart truly wants.
Temporarily separate yourself from him to discover your own desire. Naturally as a woman who lives her man, you will be moved to embrace him. However, you may have a conflict between where he is going and where you want to go.
While you are apart from him, feel in your heart in whatever way works for you. It may be through talking with other women, through ritual, silence, or spending time in nature. Discover what is the fullest expression of your heart. What would satisfy your heart the most?
If his truth has carried him in a direction compatible with what would satisfy and fulfill your heart, then your relationship remains viable.
It sometimes happens that two people continue growing and their relationship changes. This is not necessarily negative. In their growth, one person’s truth may lead their daily life in one direction and another person’s in another direction. Sometimes these different directions are temporary and sometimes they last a lifetime.
How can I leave him when I still love him?
What you feel and what you should do aren’t necessarily the same; it is possible to love a man totally yet walk away from him. If the relationship is not appropriate, you can remain in love and still bring a relationship to an end. Your love, your heart, and your connection to God can be full and true, even while you are acting in this difficult circumstance.
Your head is your center of thinking, your heart is your center of emotional feeling, and your belly is your center of action. Your belly, just below your navel, is the place from which your action springs, your center of gravity. In Japanese culture it is called the Hara, and in Chinese the T’an-Tien. By relaxing into your navel area you learn to center yourself in dance and martial arts. This navel area is your center of power—the power to do.
Your heart may be flowing with feeling for a man, but your navel doesn’t have to follow that flow. You are free to act decisively and choose to leave a man even though you have strong feelings for him. You don’t have to shut down your feelings in order to turn your navel and move in another direction. It’s okay to love a man yet decide not to be in intimate relationship with him. It’s okay to turn from a man that you love and open yourself in love with someone else who will be a better partner for you.
Women are usually more moved by their feeling center than their action center, so it is difficult for them to walk away from a man they love. Most men are the opposite. They listen to their feelings very little. They are usually more involved with doing and thinking than with emotions. It is usually easier for men to walk away form a relationship.
As a woman, your balance is to remain in your feeling but act in accordance with your highest good, your deepest wisdom. Listen to your close circle of trusted friends. They usually can reflect what is best for you. Feel deep in your heart. Ask your highest self for guidance. Even though you love a man, it may be best to actively turn away from him, even as you continue to feel love for him.
How long should I wait for him to change?
This is a key to deciding whether a man is right for you. As he is right now, can you fully trust him? Or do you think that you could change him to a man you could trust? As soon as you find yourself thinking that you could change him, you are in trouble.
If a man is not already living a life that you would wed to yours, then do not commit in relationship, hoping he will change. It is fine to desire change and growth in a relationship, but you must trust him, as he is right now, in order to provide a foundation for growth in relationship and a basis for the practice of love. If you do not trust him as he is now, you don’t really have an intimate relationship.
So choose a man you can trust. Serve him in his growth so you can continue trusting him. But if you really don’t trust him as he is, then he will feel it. If you are waiting for him to change before you can trust him, you are locking yourself into a no-win situation.
Trust is the starting point of the practice of intimacy, not something to hope for in the future. In any case, if you find yourself staying in a relationship because you think your man might change, you are making a mistake.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
I need help... I no longer feel like I want him back, or to save this relationship. Now I feel panic. I think that he was probably using drugs throughout our relationship as well as drinking, and I didn't know it. I think the one night coke binge and the pot he told me about might have been only a fraction of the truth, I don't know if he was doing coke or maybe even crack behind my back but he was probably doing something. I started a thread about him in Sub Abuse that has made me more paranoid and doubt everything I ever thought I knew....
So now I feel FURY in addition to FEAR-- I really don't think he ever cheated on me, but now I'm afraid to trust anything. I made him have 2 separate AIDS tests and now I'm even afraid to trust the negative results on those. What if he did cheat on me? I'm literally getting panicky and feeling physically sick...
I don't know what I'm feeling is valid or if my imagination is running away with me...
All I want to do right now is call him and tell him that I figured out what he was doing, and to just please tell me whether he ever cheated on me. Which I don't think he did but I feel this burning desire to tell him that I figured some stuff out..
But I'm afriad that after I call I will regret it so much since I will be going back on my word about the no-contact, but calling him is all I want to do, and I don't even want to scream or fight, I just want him to know that I know...
Honestly I can't believe right now that I ever got myself into this situation, i can't tell you all how much I regret it and now I don't know how to handle my feelings at all. Yesterday I was feelign nostalgic over him and today I feel panic and extreme anger and fear for my own well-being.
Should I call to make myself feel better at this point, or would that be a big mistake?? I really don't know what to do. I feel like I'm losing it and I've had the phone in my hands to call twice and stopped myself.
So now I feel FURY in addition to FEAR-- I really don't think he ever cheated on me, but now I'm afraid to trust anything. I made him have 2 separate AIDS tests and now I'm even afraid to trust the negative results on those. What if he did cheat on me? I'm literally getting panicky and feeling physically sick...
I don't know what I'm feeling is valid or if my imagination is running away with me...
All I want to do right now is call him and tell him that I figured out what he was doing, and to just please tell me whether he ever cheated on me. Which I don't think he did but I feel this burning desire to tell him that I figured some stuff out..
But I'm afriad that after I call I will regret it so much since I will be going back on my word about the no-contact, but calling him is all I want to do, and I don't even want to scream or fight, I just want him to know that I know...
Honestly I can't believe right now that I ever got myself into this situation, i can't tell you all how much I regret it and now I don't know how to handle my feelings at all. Yesterday I was feelign nostalgic over him and today I feel panic and extreme anger and fear for my own well-being.
Should I call to make myself feel better at this point, or would that be a big mistake?? I really don't know what to do. I feel like I'm losing it and I've had the phone in my hands to call twice and stopped myself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
Deax,
I know that driven obsessive feeling well. Over time, I've learned better skills how to cope with it. I start by asking myself what is the feeling. Where is it coming from? What does this situation remind me of?
Then I ask myself, will I really get what I want by following through on the action I'm feeling compelled towards? What will it give me? Will it be a solution to anything, or will it create more complications.
Then I may sit with the feeling, and let it come, and find a way to release it and a good cry may come.
Or I may reach for support, get comfort, get a reality check.
And if I've answered the second step negatively (no, this will not give me what I'm looking for, the issue is inside me), I may simply try and change the scene. Do some work. Go for a walk with dog, etc.
You've reached for support here. And that's great. We're here. Reach out any time.
best
gf
I know that driven obsessive feeling well. Over time, I've learned better skills how to cope with it. I start by asking myself what is the feeling. Where is it coming from? What does this situation remind me of?
Then I ask myself, will I really get what I want by following through on the action I'm feeling compelled towards? What will it give me? Will it be a solution to anything, or will it create more complications.
Then I may sit with the feeling, and let it come, and find a way to release it and a good cry may come.
Or I may reach for support, get comfort, get a reality check.
And if I've answered the second step negatively (no, this will not give me what I'm looking for, the issue is inside me), I may simply try and change the scene. Do some work. Go for a walk with dog, etc.
You've reached for support here. And that's great. We're here. Reach out any time.
best
gf
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Texas
Posts: 34
DON'T call him. Whatever he says to you will not make you feel better. Or if it makes you feel better for a second, as soon as you hang up the phone, you'll be in free fall again. Your calmness and peace will come from inside of YOU, not from anything he says or does. DO NOT re-engage him-- you'll be going back to square one. You've already come really far.
I truly understand the obsessive thoughts. I dated one guy for a while that I was really obsessed about. I used to wake up in the middle of the night obsessing about him, what he was doing, etc., and I would get in my car at 2 or 3 in the morning and drive to his house and drive up and down past it a few times. He lived almost an HOUR away from me! I never saw anything except a dark house. But I couldn't go back to sleep until I had done this.
Your obsessive thoughts are like toddlers who are asking for reassurance, but what he does or says can bring you NO reassurance. Treat these thoughts gently and lovingly but tell them that you are not going to give in. You can't let the two-year old drive the bus!
Here's some more for you to think about (It's from a book called "Creating Miracles" by Carolyn Godschild Miller-- I think you would like this book): Do you see how your panicky, obsessive thoughts are not from your higher self? The higher self communicates gently, clearly, and lovingly. The higher self does not induce panic.
Also note the very interesting definition: Excitement is fear mixed with hope.
That quote actually came from Dr. Laura, but I stuck it in the middle of the Creating Miracles stuff.
Your thoughts about your bf have some hope in them, but it's mixed with fear. Do you see how that generates excitement... which is a stone's throw from anxiety? How much better to have hope alone with no fear mixed in-- just pure hope and the genuine possibility of attaining what it is you hope for.
That's NOT what you have with this man.
You are to be congratulated for breaking with him. That takes some guts!
I truly understand the obsessive thoughts. I dated one guy for a while that I was really obsessed about. I used to wake up in the middle of the night obsessing about him, what he was doing, etc., and I would get in my car at 2 or 3 in the morning and drive to his house and drive up and down past it a few times. He lived almost an HOUR away from me! I never saw anything except a dark house. But I couldn't go back to sleep until I had done this.
Your obsessive thoughts are like toddlers who are asking for reassurance, but what he does or says can bring you NO reassurance. Treat these thoughts gently and lovingly but tell them that you are not going to give in. You can't let the two-year old drive the bus!
Here's some more for you to think about (It's from a book called "Creating Miracles" by Carolyn Godschild Miller-- I think you would like this book):
CHARACTERISTICS OF DIVINE GUIDANCE
Charitable attitude-
-universal innocence,
-always kind and respectful to me and others
-anything that belittles is not divine guidance
-fair and constructive, not abusive and shaming
Calm
-confident
-no catastrophizing about danger, trouble
-no panicky thoughts
<Excitement is fear mixed with hope-- ego craves this>
Tolerance
-displays little interest in mistakes of other people
-criticizing others is ego's way of distracting us from our own need for correction
-everyone is entitled to make his/her own decisions and experience the consequences of those decisions
-no legitimate reason to interfere with people who make different choices unless it leads to criminal behavior that impinges on the freedom and well-being of others
New perspective or new information
-may be surprising or "come out of left field" (because higher guidance view is radically different from ego view)
HOW DIVINE GUIDANCE IS EXPERIENCED
An inner voice
An inspired idea
-sudden insight answering a troubling question
-can happen in dreams
A perceptual shift
-situation appears in a different light
-something that looked impossible no longer appears intimidating
Channeling or overshadowing
-feeling as though a higher power takes over, speaking and acting
A gut feeling
-goose bumps
-sense of ease and expansion
-prickly, cold, clenched sensation
A synchronous experience
-coincidence
Also use meditation and imagination.
Charitable attitude-
-universal innocence,
-always kind and respectful to me and others
-anything that belittles is not divine guidance
-fair and constructive, not abusive and shaming
Calm
-confident
-no catastrophizing about danger, trouble
-no panicky thoughts
<Excitement is fear mixed with hope-- ego craves this>
Tolerance
-displays little interest in mistakes of other people
-criticizing others is ego's way of distracting us from our own need for correction
-everyone is entitled to make his/her own decisions and experience the consequences of those decisions
-no legitimate reason to interfere with people who make different choices unless it leads to criminal behavior that impinges on the freedom and well-being of others
New perspective or new information
-may be surprising or "come out of left field" (because higher guidance view is radically different from ego view)
HOW DIVINE GUIDANCE IS EXPERIENCED
An inner voice
An inspired idea
-sudden insight answering a troubling question
-can happen in dreams
A perceptual shift
-situation appears in a different light
-something that looked impossible no longer appears intimidating
Channeling or overshadowing
-feeling as though a higher power takes over, speaking and acting
A gut feeling
-goose bumps
-sense of ease and expansion
-prickly, cold, clenched sensation
A synchronous experience
-coincidence
Also use meditation and imagination.
Also note the very interesting definition: Excitement is fear mixed with hope.
That quote actually came from Dr. Laura, but I stuck it in the middle of the Creating Miracles stuff.
Your thoughts about your bf have some hope in them, but it's mixed with fear. Do you see how that generates excitement... which is a stone's throw from anxiety? How much better to have hope alone with no fear mixed in-- just pure hope and the genuine possibility of attaining what it is you hope for.
That's NOT what you have with this man.
You are to be congratulated for breaking with him. That takes some guts!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Deax, may I recommend a book that might be helpful to you? It's called "Stop Obsessing: How to Overcome Your Obsessions and Compulsions" by Edna B. Foa, PhD and Reid Wilson, PhD.
Here's a short bio:
If you find yourself tormented by unwanted, disturbing thoughts or compelled to perform rigidly set actions to reduce your distress, you may be one of the millions of Americans who suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). It may be as mild as doubting whether you turned off the iron before leaving the house, or it may be as severe and disabling as washing your hands for hours each day. But whatever its degree, OCD is distressing, uncomfortable, and can disrupt your life or destroy your most important relationships.
Chapter 1 contains a handy series of check lists to help you determine if you suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder in a variey of areas such as: washing and cleaning (I checked two items out of six), checking and repeating (I checked one out of six), ordering (I checked six out of six!), hoarding (I checked zero out of six), thinking rituals (I checked zero out of six), worries and pure obsessions (I checked two out of seven).
Funnily enough, when I told my daughter that according to the checklist the only area where I exhibited obsessive-compulsive traits was ordering (with a score of six out of six), she began to laugh and said, "um, mom, I think if you can check ANY item in any list, you probably have a problem in that area, too."
The book doesn't cover obsessive-compulsive behavior on the part of codies like us, but I think if we exhibit obsessive-compulsive behavior in this part of our lives, it's safe to assume that it exists in other areas as well, as you can see in my example.
The book provides a series of self-help strategies to help folks overcome their particular obsessions. Since you're such an open-minded gal, you might want to pick up a copy of this book the next time you're at the bookstore or the library.
My daughter picked up the book when we were at a bookstore together and said, "mom, you need to buy this book." I think you might find it eye-opening and helpful to you, too.
Here's a short bio:
If you find yourself tormented by unwanted, disturbing thoughts or compelled to perform rigidly set actions to reduce your distress, you may be one of the millions of Americans who suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). It may be as mild as doubting whether you turned off the iron before leaving the house, or it may be as severe and disabling as washing your hands for hours each day. But whatever its degree, OCD is distressing, uncomfortable, and can disrupt your life or destroy your most important relationships.
Chapter 1 contains a handy series of check lists to help you determine if you suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder in a variey of areas such as: washing and cleaning (I checked two items out of six), checking and repeating (I checked one out of six), ordering (I checked six out of six!), hoarding (I checked zero out of six), thinking rituals (I checked zero out of six), worries and pure obsessions (I checked two out of seven).
Funnily enough, when I told my daughter that according to the checklist the only area where I exhibited obsessive-compulsive traits was ordering (with a score of six out of six), she began to laugh and said, "um, mom, I think if you can check ANY item in any list, you probably have a problem in that area, too."
The book doesn't cover obsessive-compulsive behavior on the part of codies like us, but I think if we exhibit obsessive-compulsive behavior in this part of our lives, it's safe to assume that it exists in other areas as well, as you can see in my example.
The book provides a series of self-help strategies to help folks overcome their particular obsessions. Since you're such an open-minded gal, you might want to pick up a copy of this book the next time you're at the bookstore or the library.
My daughter picked up the book when we were at a bookstore together and said, "mom, you need to buy this book." I think you might find it eye-opening and helpful to you, too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by Sasha99
DON'T call him. Whatever he says to you will not make you feel better. Or if it makes you feel better for a second, as soon as you hang up the phone, you'll be in free fall again. Your calmness and peace will come from inside of YOU, not from anything he says or does. DO NOT re-engage him-- you'll be going back to square one. You've already come really far.
I will get Creating Miracles. Sometimes I find that sort of 'higher self' stuff a little new age-y, reminds me a bit of my old therapist, but I can definitely see how a lot of the info you posted applies to my situation and will hopefully bring me some peace of mind, or at least help me control my tendency to go into total panic mode.
And Former Doormat-- I'll check out that book as well. I have a similar OCD book that I picked up once, and in that one I had a lot in the thinking rituals and the worry/pure obsessions categories, and I'm recognizing how this situation with him right now is kicking off some of that-- which happened over the course of our relationship as well. U sed to drive him nuts. I know this 'now I have a disease' thing I'm dealing with is part of this too- it's beyond a 'concern,' I'm making it into something much bigger now.
Sigh... it's amazing how interconnected everything is.
Thanks, everyone.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. You may think you cannot relate to the book, but I guarantee you that you will find "you" somewhere in the first five chapters. As Beattie so aptly put it, "Codependents underreact. They overreact. But rarely do they ACT." The ultimate terror think all codies have is being alone. I mean really, truly alone. Just pick up a copy of the book. The first time I read it over ten years ago, I kept saying "Ah-hah! There's the alcoholic in my life, I recognize that behavior as his." It took a long time before I was able to see my own behaviors that were discussed in the book.
I didn't get Al-Anon the first time around (also over ten years ago). I sure got it the next time around. It was about me. It was about my desire to control another person's behavior. It was about having to admit I was completely powerless to do so. It was being able, by the grace of my Higher Power, to get my focus and attention off the addict in my life and on to me, who was a person I didn't even know since I'd spent all my energies focusing on all the addicts in my life.
I didn't get Al-Anon the first time around (also over ten years ago). I sure got it the next time around. It was about me. It was about my desire to control another person's behavior. It was about having to admit I was completely powerless to do so. It was being able, by the grace of my Higher Power, to get my focus and attention off the addict in my life and on to me, who was a person I didn't even know since I'd spent all my energies focusing on all the addicts in my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
prodigal, I actually just bought that book tonight on my way home from work. So many people have suggested it I figured I'd pick it up. I also bought another one called Women Who Love Too Much, it sounded familiar and it wasn't expensive. Youre right, I don't see myself in a lot of these readings, or even in mostof the people I've been talking to at meetings, etc... Their lives don't usually sound like mine. But I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do, and I hope something clicks in time because I just can't calm down. I know it takes time and effort on my part, but every day is some extreme emotion- the void, or panic or fear (would he have actually cheated on me, do i have a disease, etc), or even nostalgia and remembering everything that is good about him, and every time my phone rings I think (hope?) it might be him and immediately debate whether to answer. Etc. You know all this, I'm sure... I still do miss him. But I have to admit, the Al-Anon One Day at a Time book, which a lady there just gave me for free, has been really helpful and after meetings I do find my desire to talk to him has lessened. If I didn't subconsciously transfer my energies and emotions to this disease obsession now, which is what a friend said I'm probably doing, I would probably have the energy to handle the situation in a more productive way... I dunno.
Anyway I'll keep reading, posting, going to meetings etc. Thanks for the tip about the book, I'm gonna start reading it tonight.
Anyway I'll keep reading, posting, going to meetings etc. Thanks for the tip about the book, I'm gonna start reading it tonight.
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