detachment, and the feelings involved...
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
detachment, and the feelings involved...
Hi guys,
My last post was written in a state of total confusion, and although the fog has lifted for the most part, I still can't see clearly. I have been working on detachment for a while now, and have found it quite simple (once I "got" it... no, IT got me). It's been so peaceful in my life recently. I am still a non-smoker
, and have been getting out a lot to explore the world, go for walks, play with my kids, go to aerobics and yoga classes. I have had loads of energy, and feel very proud of myself; for the first time I can say that I "like" myself. But, it's been very weird too. I am not sure if my A is reacting to all the changes, or if this is all a part of the detachment process... He is very defensive, and suspicious, but he is also very distant. I made the mistake of bringing up the "drinking" the other day, and learned my lesson in that. After a little "tiff" we had, we both agreed that we needed to leave each other alone to work on our own issues etc. OK, so that is great... we give each other space... but now it's like we are room mates instead of lovers / partners. He won't initiate any closeness, and I haven't felt like initiating anything. Is this normal? Are we having a dry spell, or are we drifiting? Is this typical of one detaching from another? I don't know what to think. In many ways I wonder if I have changed so much that he feels intimidated... I mean I stand up for myself more now, and I refuse to cater to him etc. (I don't understand why I ever did in the first place! 
). Anyhow, anyone have any experience in this?
Thanks, and take care,
Meg
My last post was written in a state of total confusion, and although the fog has lifted for the most part, I still can't see clearly. I have been working on detachment for a while now, and have found it quite simple (once I "got" it... no, IT got me). It's been so peaceful in my life recently. I am still a non-smoker
, and have been getting out a lot to explore the world, go for walks, play with my kids, go to aerobics and yoga classes. I have had loads of energy, and feel very proud of myself; for the first time I can say that I "like" myself. But, it's been very weird too. I am not sure if my A is reacting to all the changes, or if this is all a part of the detachment process... He is very defensive, and suspicious, but he is also very distant. I made the mistake of bringing up the "drinking" the other day, and learned my lesson in that. After a little "tiff" we had, we both agreed that we needed to leave each other alone to work on our own issues etc. OK, so that is great... we give each other space... but now it's like we are room mates instead of lovers / partners. He won't initiate any closeness, and I haven't felt like initiating anything. Is this normal? Are we having a dry spell, or are we drifiting? Is this typical of one detaching from another? I don't know what to think. In many ways I wonder if I have changed so much that he feels intimidated... I mean I stand up for myself more now, and I refuse to cater to him etc. (I don't understand why I ever did in the first place! ). Anyhow, anyone have any experience in this?Thanks, and take care,
Meg
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Meg
I know that when I first got into my recovery, my son and my husband "humoured" me, thinking that this too shall pass. Once they realized that this was a life plan and that I really was changing, they were confused and didn't quite know what to do with me. And they didn't like it much - don't forget it was ME that changed, old predictable ME. But the buttons they used to push didn't work anymore and they just didn't know where to find new buttons.
It took time before they say the beauty of this program and that I was still a nice person, but now my own person, and they began understanding my new boundaries, my new outlook on life, and what I would and would not tolerate.
I don't know if you can talk to him and explain that your changes are about you and not him, and try to let him get to know the new you a little better.
Unless he is using coldness to try to manipulate, in which case he will tire of that soon enough.
I'm sending extra hugs in case you need them.
I know that when I first got into my recovery, my son and my husband "humoured" me, thinking that this too shall pass. Once they realized that this was a life plan and that I really was changing, they were confused and didn't quite know what to do with me. And they didn't like it much - don't forget it was ME that changed, old predictable ME. But the buttons they used to push didn't work anymore and they just didn't know where to find new buttons.
It took time before they say the beauty of this program and that I was still a nice person, but now my own person, and they began understanding my new boundaries, my new outlook on life, and what I would and would not tolerate.
I don't know if you can talk to him and explain that your changes are about you and not him, and try to let him get to know the new you a little better.
Unless he is using coldness to try to manipulate, in which case he will tire of that soon enough.
I'm sending extra hugs in case you need them.
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