The Truth
 

G admiting to spending the last 5 paychecks on cocaine. He told me he wasn't coming back until he got his $#!t together. I got my key from him. He talked for a while, started to make excuses (blaming me in a round-about way) to make himself feel better. I told him to stop. Then he started to say he has no where to go, really, that he was hungry and needed something to drink. I just sat there, in my car, and stared out the window.

This was his choice, one I wasn't prepared to make.......but I didn't try to change his mind. I prayed to my HP last night....I think he heard me.

He said in his heart he wanted this weekend to be different, that maybe he needs to suffer a little, too much to repeat. Details.

be strong dear, i've heard that one too, more times than i can count. let him suffer if he wants to and see how long that will last. to me that sounds like"save me", when he is really ready, he'll stop talking and do something and you will be able to see and not just hear and wonder. jmho

still praying for you and yours

Huh? If it was his choice, what weren't you prepared to make? I'm not sure I understand, no I'm sure I don't understand. You can clarify if you want to, if you don't that's OK too.

It was his choice to not come back here.....I wasn't ready to ask him to leave.

What surprised me, listening to him say he's not sure where he's going to stay and that he has nothing to eat...I didn't try to get him to stay here and it wasn't that hard for me to do. I guess him making the choice takes some of the "guilt" off of me. If that makes sense.

I completely understand this. You have nothing to feel guilty for to begin with when it comes to his addiction - but him making the choice to leave does not make you feel that what transpires in his life is your fault for having kicked him out. I understand.

However, after reading your post earlier, I had a thought Jessica. Something that didn't dawn on me the first time I read it.

The action that you are seeing is simple - the progression of addiction. He has gone from being an alcoholic to also now using cocaine.
As you already know, addiction is progressive Jessica.

I hope that you will give some serious thought as to the extent of this rollercoaster ride that you are willing to put you and your children on. I know that no matter choice you make, it will still hurt. But maybe looking at it from the angle of which choice will hurt less will help you to see the bigger picture.

I know you got my IM earlier, I meant what I said. Take care Jessica. I'm really sorry that you are going through this and I know it hurts.

Jessica I have to ask:

What in the hell are you hanging on to? An alkie that has now progressed to cocaine? Do you really want THAT in your children's lives?

He is not what you thought he was all these years. He will NEVER be what you thought he was or want him to be. If and that's a big IF we all know, he does get sober and clean and stays that way, he will be a different person entirely.

So again, what are you hanging on to and why?

Just some things you have to HONESTLY look at.

I know eventually, some day you WILL get so sick and tired of this that you will finally say STOP. There are time's Jessica that I really want to shake you, and I mean really shake you and say "what in the hell are you doing?" The pain you are in and have been in just tears my guts out.

Are you tired of hurting yet? Please Jess, let him go. Shut the door on that era of your life. There is so much GOOD living ahead of you.

If you are not in therapy please get some. And if you are, maybe go more than you are, and BE HONEST with your therapist. Its not about him anymore, its about you and your kids. You've got to do some changing of the circumstances in your life, to stop killing yourself from the inside out. And YES YOUR CHILDREN DO FEEL IT. Children are clean slates and they ABSORB what goes on around them, ie the stress, the anger (even if it is kept inside) the frustration and the hurt.

When will ENOUGH BE ENOUGH?

The above is my way of 'shaking you' in cyber space.

We love you Jess, when will you start loving yourself?

JMHO

Love and hugs,

Hi,Jess. Like G, B. made the choice for me,too. Moving out and divorcing. It still is devastating..I don't know which is worse;deciding or being the one an addict walks away from....

Thanks for posting about the progression SS. That really helped me "see" something I forgot. When B. moved out, I assumed he would drink more. Actually, I don't know if he does ( he SAYS he drinks less......probably not but that is not the point.) I remembered about progression in the drinking,but I forgot about progression of the ISM behavior. All those things he tried so hard to control,etc to live with me and the kids he is now free to do as he likes....and THOSE are the really disturbing things I am noticing and have lead him NOT to move back home and to seek divorce. I totally forgot that that is the part of the disease that is most objectable to me and that it is progressive,too.

Thanks for the reminder. It helps me see things clearer and also to not feel so confused and "dumped". I think he WAS the man I thought he was........but with progression, he no longer is. B. could hold it together for a long time but progression. Just like in Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde.the "sick" side is overtaking the "good/healthy" in him and will continue unless he stops and gets into recovery. Same with G. JMO

Jessica.I have been praying for my HP (God) to gently! show me the truth and He is doing that and it is starting to become clear to me in a way I can accept. I pray the same for you,I know our struggles are similar. I seems you are seeing and acting differently,too. Big hugs to you!

Hi Jessica,
Hopefully you aren't surprised by this turn of events. I'm not. as he's been using you for a free lunch. Do you not see how by giving him his free lunch he is unable to ever hit bottom and continues to get sicker and sicker?

Ngaire

This may not be for a long time if ever and why should he be calling all the shots here? You are a part of this relationship too right? I would focus on what MY course of action would be if he tried to come back without his said $hit together. How are you really going to be able to trust him any time soon? Put the focus on you and your kids Jess! Your actions are the only thing you can control.

Sounds to me like he was trying to manipulate you. Maybe he thought if he told you he was leaving you would fall apart, beg him to stay, promise to be a better codie and try harder to enable him more. Did that come out as sarcastic as I meant it to?

I bet he was surprized to find out how strong you can be... ready or not.

Jessica,

Of course he was manipulating you when he said he wouldn't be back until he got his crap together. It's the poor me I'm a victim so I'll have to leave to get the crap together that I've brought on myself. boo hoo hooo hooo.

Everything that he says is manipulation to keep his free lunch going.

I know you most likely don't want to see there words but at least think about it.

Ngaire

Jess...I am sorry for your pain.

Please let this be the start of you and the childrens new life

Jess,

I always wondered when enough would be enough for me. What would it take?

When he thought I was out of town on a project he moved another woman in (tried to hide it from me)......but he did me the biggest favor by making that choice for me.

I understand your relief at it being his choice. Now, if you can just remind yourself often as you need to of his choice.....

I had to use my hurt pride, my anger, my revenge to say OKAY...I am going my way now and it does not include you. And hang out at SR a lot.

And as dear Ben Franklin said: Living well is the best revenge. That was my mantra for awhile.

hug,
live

From ngaire...

This is the line of bullsh*t that gives you hope each time.

Take the first line of your post and frame it. You went through this months ago. Booze than drugs. You gave in and let him back and he's done it again. Oh Jess, like Laurie said, This is reality and it sucks. Your prince charming wasn't, isn't and won't ever be.

One thing I've got to say is that you must have the toughest butt around for all the times he's kicked you there.

Hugs

Jessica, can you name anything positive that G. adds to your life?

Other than my kids and the normal helping out around here .... no

I must confess....and I'll probably get kicked really hard here....but his "being gone" only lasted 24 hours.....if that.

I agree that you will get kicked really hard, but not by me. By your choices. I hope and pray that you find your bottom soon, before the damage to your children and your life is any worse.

L

Gotta admit, my only thought was for your children.

(((jess)))