WantsOut

I wanted out of this marriage, and now I have it. He's moved all his stuff and this will be the first night he's gone. The living situation was intolerable in its own way. While there was no verbal or physical abuse, he was lost to me drinking 6 or 12 beers nearly every night. I warned him this was going to happen, but he didn't listen and now it's over between us. He's gone after me trying to pry him out for months.

Why don't I feel good? I feel empty.

Lalaleah

I know the feeling. My H moved out 1 month ago. He is a drug addict, but it's really just the same to me.

I feel that emptiness too. I don't think there is any way not to. Just remember why he is not there. At least now you can know that you can relax in your own home without counting how many drinks he has had.

I think only time will make us feel better. Alanon and SR are great too. I think once we rediscover ourselves and what life was like without the addiction we will be happy.

Hugs

denny57

Feeling good for me came much later. I felt empty and some degree of relief at first. The first few months were a very emotional time for me, even though it was what I wanted.

Take care.

gypsyrose

I've thought about how I'd feel if AH moved out and I know I'd be sad but. I think instead of dwelling on the things I'd miss, I'd try to remind myself of all the things I wouldn't miss. Shall we make a list? I'll start with, I wouldn't miss the smell of vodka sweat.

WantsOut

Here are the things I will not miss:

1) Seeing him passed out and sweaty on the couch.
2) Smelling the stale smell of beer coming from his pores.
3) Finding beer cans hidden all over the place.
4) Worrying about him drinking and driving.
5) Worrying about him falling asleep with a lit cigarette.
6) Smelling his cup when he steps out of the room to see if he's started drinking yet.
7) Coming home from work to find him drunk or passed out because he called in sick to drink.
8) Dealing with him when he's trying to pretend he's not drunk.
9) Having him hit on me in the most vile ways possible because he wasted and thinks he's suddenly a Romeo.

10) (And this has nothing to do with drinking) Dealing with a man who thinks he has the right to tell me, a grown woman, that it's time to go to bed. How dare he! When I told him how mad that made me, he reverted to, "I'd tell you you should go to bed but I know it makes you mad." UGH! He's lucky I didn't twist his arrogant head off.

okay, I'm starting to feel better here.

StandingStrong

Personally, I think that feeling of emptiness is all normal. It's a part of grieving and loss, in my opinion.
the important thing that I came to realize from the people here at SR was that it's okay to feel as you do - as long as you don't get "stuck" in it.

Time to get busy living your life - and finding out who you are - and doing what you want to do!
(Maybe you can start by staying up late - just because you want too - and because you can) *wink*

pmaslan

Of course you feel ambivilant. You are closing the door on a part of
your life that you never thought you would.
The first night my ex finacee was gone I was on top of the world...
I couldn't have been happier...what a cover up really.
Reality set in big time shortly...I was incredibly sad...I lost a man
I loved for no good reason....I felt something as simple as a bottle
could take him from me....how simple and how hard all at the same time.
LIke others here I found Alanon, therapy and continued here at SR.
13 months later, yeah I still think about him (but I think about my
high school sweetheat too...) but I am much happier today...
You will be too, time is the great healer, cliche or not it's true.

GingerM

Along with what everyone else said, I'll give you the reasons I felt empty after leaving (or making leave) a series of Alcoholic/addictive relationships.

In a lifetime long long ago...

When I got rid of my A's, I would also feel empty. Looking back now I can see that a major reason I felt empty was because I was perpetually thinking about the A in my life.

What fight was going to break out tonight? What time would he come home reeking of beer (I still can't stand that smell)? What fight would break out in the morning? How could I protect myself emotionally from his insanity? So much emotional effort was put into either managing him or managing my reactions to him....then he was gone. Just like that *poof* I didn't have to worry about all that stuff which had taken over ever spare bit of time my brain had and then some. It didn't matter what I fixed for dinner. It didn't have to worry about whether he was going to make it home alive. I didn't have to worry (in some cases) about the cops finding out he was dealing. I didn't have big hurkin' ugly destructive fights. My life WAS empty. It had been so crammed full of doing nothing more than attempting to stay sane and manage the situation, that when the situation no longer existed, I didn't know what else to do with myself (so I would run right out and find another similar relationship to fill the void).

Eventually the last A relationship I had got so bad he tried to kill me. I threw a knife at him. Then I tried to kill myself because I could see no way out. The gun was old and not well cared for and it jammed. That was when I decided that I wasn't going to do this anymore. I decided that since I was obviously incapable of making reasonable decisions about the people I got involved with, I wouldn't get involved with anyone ever again. (I tease my now husband that he had to trick me into marrying him - of course, he says he would never have dated me if he had known we were going to get married - he, too, swore he'd never marry or be involved in a long term relationship. He was supposed to be a 2 week fling).

If you didn't feel empty, I would worry about you. If you didn't feel empty, it would mean that you weren't processing. Feeling empty is like the itching of a healing wound. It's bothersome, but a necessary part of healing.

What everyone else here said is also true: you've closed a chapter on your life. You're moving forwards. If you have a large extraordinarily ugly picture hanging on your wall, and you detest the picture, you eventually will get used to it being there, no matter how ugly it is. When you decide you can't stand it anymore, and you get rid of it, the wall then looks bare. You've gotten rid of the picture, the wall looks empty and bare, and you haven't had enough time yet to get used to the wall being bare. You will though. And then you will wonder why you didn't get rid of that ugly picture sooner.

((hugs))

StandingStrong

Wow Ginger! Again, an example of someone else sharing their experiences and feelings to really put something into words that so many times we feel but can't explain or process.
While this thread isn't about me - I have had that empty feeling before - and you truly did catch my attention this afternoon.
What you said is soooo true -
And can sooo completely relate with the picture analogy! That's happened! LOL.
Until I find the perfect picture replacement for that wall, it will always seem just "not right".

Great post - thank you.

ICU

I'm not sure that I felt empty. To be honest, I felt a combo of relief, safety, and to be really honest, totally drained, and partially numb. But, whatever you feel is what you feel, and it's ok.

I think making lists of what you won't miss helps. Actually, any kind of writing/journaling helps. I did it and it was a great release.

A few of the things I don't miss is worrying about the safety of him, the pets, myself.

I don't miss the stench of the vodka oozing from his pores.

I don't miss finding urine puddles throughout my home when he was too drunk to find the bathroom, or, thought the closet was a large walk in urinal.

I don't miss not knowing if the rent was going to be paid or not.

I don't miss the most foul language being spoken to me.

What I learned to enjoy was a cleaner, fresher air in the home, a peaceful environment, happy animals, and, being able to sleep without him waking me up to tell me what a piece of poop I was.

I rearranged the furniture and redecorated (on a very small budget) to make it my own place. That 'couch' that he passed out on smelled so bad, so I cleaned it as best I could and recovered it to hid the various stains on of .urine, booze, ciggie burns, blood, etc. As soon as I can afford it, I'm getting a new one.

It takes time to go through all the hurt, pain, and dissapointment, but in my opinion, it's sooooo worth it.

One baby step at a time.

guyinNC

Same here, wantsout. After all the pain and betrayal with my wife, her affair, her abandonment of me and the kids......I should feel happy that she is out of our lives. No more lies, no more worries, no more witnessing her slow spiral down to some unknown bottom.

I have my kids, my house, my company, my health, my family, my friends.....even a few ladies that seem to like me. But I feel empty, a big hole in my chest. I am healing, slowly.....but that scar will always be there. I think its the price of loving someone!

deettah

Ditto, it sucks but it's natural. The concentration needs to be on you and not him. Ultimately our A's are not what we thought them to be, what he thought we loved. The are a bottomless, shell of themselves and we can't fool ourselves into hanging on to what good we saw long ago. It's no longer there and it will never end unless we have had enough.

lovemypup

I know how you feel about the emptiness occasionally. I have been free of my A for over a year now. Every once in awhile something happens and then I go back to all the memories I had and feel sad.
This weekend I had to go back to my old home that he and I shared and I seen all my perennials in the yard and the home I designed.

Then I heard how he does things with his new girlfriend everynight and they are going on vacation. I think why didnt he do those things with me. Why did I come home to someone drunk everynight who passed out early. Those things just go thru my mind and I dont know why. I am happy for him that he is now happy but in another way it hurts.

The good part is that next week at this time I will have forgotten all about it and remember just what a good life I have now. So I think it is normal for everyone to do this. And, just as fast as one of these episodes come on , they leave just as quickly. As time goes by I have noticed these episodes get fewer and farther in between.

jackson123

I feel the same way. I love "him" so much but I hate the alcoholic. He said such hurtful things. He called me names that ripped my heart in two. Then minutes later he was leaving me messages telling me what a great person I was and that he can't live wothout me.
Stay strong. Time is a wonderful healer.

megamysterioso

OMG Wantsout!! I journaled a one page bitch fest one night after my AH humiliated me in front of company about going to bed on HIS clock. We got into a brief argument about it as I refused to budge on that one! I understand that all too well and how absolutely ridiculous it is.

I think your feelings are natural and you will probably go through many conflicting emotions. Please don't forget all those things on your list though and give yourself plenty of time to "detox" from all you've been through. I'm very happy for you.

alcohol_sucks

Things I won't miss about my husband:

1. His reeking of beer and telling me he hasn't been drinking.
2. His telling me why I am the reason our marriage isn't working.
3. Wondering if he will come home tonite.
4. Wondering if he will come home drunk tonite.
5. Falling asleep on the couch to avoid him.
6. Walking on eggshells to not make him angry.

Day-to-day life hasn't changed too much for my kids and myself. We plan our days, and our weekends, without his involvement.

I just wish it was as good as it sounds, and not as hard as it is.

fartheralong

It is strange isn't it? How we want them gone, at least when we get to the point that we've had enough. And then when they are, the house, even with two kids is so quiet. I finally realized it's the lack of tension. Empty? It seemed that way at first when he'd leave and maybe since I've filed and it'll seem that way again.

But I like to twist it around to the fact that my house is filled with love and the emptiness is the eggshells I 'swept' out. those that I don't have to tred on anymore, or the kids have to tred on anymore. Maybe it's denial, or maybe I let go of him before I even really realized it. I don't know. I have my moments. I cried most of Monday. I wanted to stay in bed today and just sleep. But I have a deadline, the house doesn't clean itself and really, haven't I given hiim enough? So I take a deep breath and go on. I'm hoping it'll get easier and it is with him several hundred miles away.

#1 thing I won't miss: Second (third adn fourth) guessing my every little thought and move, questioning myself and my sanity.

FA