Update on sister in law
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 3
Update on sister in law
I wrote last week on whether our family was enabling or helping; I got very good input and responses.
Here's an update:
Visited on Sunday, she wanted to go home. Made various excuses, such as no one is helping her, didn't have case manager; she arrived late in the week and has since been assigned one. The place was infested with fleas; it's a brand new facility, it was scheduled maintenance. Some of these people are there by court order and have been in prison (well... your boyfriend of the last two years has been arrested and thrown in jail 3 times during that period.. splitting hairs over prison vs. jail) and are there for various DRUGS, not ALCOHOL. We got the impression she was trying to play the "sympathy card". you can't let your 49yo "little girl" be with these low life's and dreg's; in addition she wanted to see a doctor as soon as possible for a tremor that she developed several months ago, keeping in mind she let her medical insurance lapse two months ago.
Well anyway move forward to this week, she wants to stay there! She likes her case manager. She's now thinking she doesn't want to go to the nicer facility (this was a transition/stop for 15 days until space was open at the other place became open). She doesn't want to start over, which is a valid argument and if she's comfortable there now. She didn't like the fact that she didn't have any input on choosing the facility; hey we did the best we could on trying to find a place that she would be receptive to, with location and cleanliness and meals in mind and cost to a degree. She wasn't exactly in the best position to help with a BAC of .46.
We went to the family group night which was interesting, I guess. It was very good to see/hear other family stories; they all had a familiar ring to them.
THESE were not low life's, if anything, my SIL circumstances were more dire than theirs. These were just regular decent hardworking families and some upper middle class.
Our family had never been to group before, and really didn't know there were any "ground rules". My mother in law (MIL) mentioned specific issues that wouldn't necessarily be considered earth shattering or PRIVATE by nature, given the nature of what everyone else is speaking of. My MIL was speaking from the heart, she's not a public speaker and was there to be supportive. Anyway, my SIL thought she was trying to humilate her.
SIL mentioned that she thought her parents were CONTROLLING her life, presumably because they told her they would not continue to financially support her after she told them she was an adult and could make her own decisions. This was after in-laws provided her with information that her boyfriend had a warrant for his arrest, had numerous other arrests, had stiffed three bail bond companies, had bankruptcies and liens against him and a suspended drivers license...generally a prince of a guy, and the type of guy you would want to marry your daughter. A useful post earlier said, "what would you do for a stranger?", I would exactly tell a stranger what type of person she was seeing if I thought it would impact their life negatively.
My in-laws did decide not to financially support her but did give her a four month "weaning" period. They certainly didn't want a hand in supporting the boyfriend. SIL said she felt badly because parents didn't send xmas presents for her (presents were sent to grandchildren), although my wife sent presents to all. SIL had previously told an aunt, that aunt was the only one to think of her by sending an xmas card.
In group she said my father in law (FIL)wouldn't speak to her; would you? She did call on father in law's birthday, and was asked to just wish him a happy 80th birthday, it was not to be; SIL again said she was an adult and could live her own life, FIL hung up. Boyfriend called back to say in laws were lousy parents and controlling.
During the four month period the boyfriend's truck that SIL put down payment on was repossessed after she quit making payments on it, and then he totalled her car (who knows if it's true, but it was totalled).
I suggested to my in laws that they might want to have a private session with the alcohol counselor who led the group and SIL. They were very open to this, this is especially good since my FIL is old school and takes care of himself, however he is willing to do whatever is necessary to help.
Anyway, SIL is thinking she's done after 28 days and move back out of state and return to her job. That's fine.. you can't make her go to the other facility, and if she doesn't that's it. We love her, but we will move on with our lives.
We have not paid any of her bills, which are stacking up. And as previously mentioned in the other post, we will not pack up her apartment to put in storage for obvious reasons if she goes home after 28 days.
We love her and truly hope she would want to go to the other facility or stay wwhere she's at; But she is not going to be begged. I'm thinking that she would benefit from a longer stay, it would help her to get more tools. I'm thinking possibly that she might be better off going to a recovery home and find part time work until she can support herself, otherwise she'll go right back into the frying pan with its' pressures and all. It isn't realistic that she can suceed, I wouldn't want to try to start out with overwhelming financial obligations and try to maintain sobriety.
Anyone with any feedback on the range of emotions SIL is going througn, is it normal?
Here's an update:
Visited on Sunday, she wanted to go home. Made various excuses, such as no one is helping her, didn't have case manager; she arrived late in the week and has since been assigned one. The place was infested with fleas; it's a brand new facility, it was scheduled maintenance. Some of these people are there by court order and have been in prison (well... your boyfriend of the last two years has been arrested and thrown in jail 3 times during that period.. splitting hairs over prison vs. jail) and are there for various DRUGS, not ALCOHOL. We got the impression she was trying to play the "sympathy card". you can't let your 49yo "little girl" be with these low life's and dreg's; in addition she wanted to see a doctor as soon as possible for a tremor that she developed several months ago, keeping in mind she let her medical insurance lapse two months ago.
Well anyway move forward to this week, she wants to stay there! She likes her case manager. She's now thinking she doesn't want to go to the nicer facility (this was a transition/stop for 15 days until space was open at the other place became open). She doesn't want to start over, which is a valid argument and if she's comfortable there now. She didn't like the fact that she didn't have any input on choosing the facility; hey we did the best we could on trying to find a place that she would be receptive to, with location and cleanliness and meals in mind and cost to a degree. She wasn't exactly in the best position to help with a BAC of .46.
We went to the family group night which was interesting, I guess. It was very good to see/hear other family stories; they all had a familiar ring to them.
THESE were not low life's, if anything, my SIL circumstances were more dire than theirs. These were just regular decent hardworking families and some upper middle class.
Our family had never been to group before, and really didn't know there were any "ground rules". My mother in law (MIL) mentioned specific issues that wouldn't necessarily be considered earth shattering or PRIVATE by nature, given the nature of what everyone else is speaking of. My MIL was speaking from the heart, she's not a public speaker and was there to be supportive. Anyway, my SIL thought she was trying to humilate her.
SIL mentioned that she thought her parents were CONTROLLING her life, presumably because they told her they would not continue to financially support her after she told them she was an adult and could make her own decisions. This was after in-laws provided her with information that her boyfriend had a warrant for his arrest, had numerous other arrests, had stiffed three bail bond companies, had bankruptcies and liens against him and a suspended drivers license...generally a prince of a guy, and the type of guy you would want to marry your daughter. A useful post earlier said, "what would you do for a stranger?", I would exactly tell a stranger what type of person she was seeing if I thought it would impact their life negatively.
My in-laws did decide not to financially support her but did give her a four month "weaning" period. They certainly didn't want a hand in supporting the boyfriend. SIL said she felt badly because parents didn't send xmas presents for her (presents were sent to grandchildren), although my wife sent presents to all. SIL had previously told an aunt, that aunt was the only one to think of her by sending an xmas card.
In group she said my father in law (FIL)wouldn't speak to her; would you? She did call on father in law's birthday, and was asked to just wish him a happy 80th birthday, it was not to be; SIL again said she was an adult and could live her own life, FIL hung up. Boyfriend called back to say in laws were lousy parents and controlling.
During the four month period the boyfriend's truck that SIL put down payment on was repossessed after she quit making payments on it, and then he totalled her car (who knows if it's true, but it was totalled).
I suggested to my in laws that they might want to have a private session with the alcohol counselor who led the group and SIL. They were very open to this, this is especially good since my FIL is old school and takes care of himself, however he is willing to do whatever is necessary to help.
Anyway, SIL is thinking she's done after 28 days and move back out of state and return to her job. That's fine.. you can't make her go to the other facility, and if she doesn't that's it. We love her, but we will move on with our lives.
We have not paid any of her bills, which are stacking up. And as previously mentioned in the other post, we will not pack up her apartment to put in storage for obvious reasons if she goes home after 28 days.
We love her and truly hope she would want to go to the other facility or stay wwhere she's at; But she is not going to be begged. I'm thinking that she would benefit from a longer stay, it would help her to get more tools. I'm thinking possibly that she might be better off going to a recovery home and find part time work until she can support herself, otherwise she'll go right back into the frying pan with its' pressures and all. It isn't realistic that she can suceed, I wouldn't want to try to start out with overwhelming financial obligations and try to maintain sobriety.
Anyone with any feedback on the range of emotions SIL is going througn, is it normal?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Awwwwww Judy, of course some of us are both AA and/or NA and Alanon. We are the 'double winners" rofl.
To answer your queston, YES this is what happens very early in recovery. The alcoholic has NO IDEA if they are coming or going. Their brain is SO FOGGY that one day they will say one thing, and the next day the exact opposite.
Provided they stay in treatment and do the best they can each day to work on themselves, this indecision, confusion, etc will disappear. But first, the alkie and/or addict has to learn that 'manipulation' and other tactics no longer work.
You, your family ad your In laws seem to be on the right track. Hopefully your SIL will get there also.
Oh and btw, the range of emotions you are seeing right now, are just the "tip of the iceberg" so to speak, there will be many many more showing up. Hopefully, your SIL will feel enough trust to work with her counselor.
How anybody "put up" with me my first year of sobriety is totally beyond me. I bounced all over the place, but yes slowly I did get on an even keel and thankfully have been able to stay that way most of the time for many many ODAATs now. lol
JMHO
Love and (((((to all))))),
To answer your queston, YES this is what happens very early in recovery. The alcoholic has NO IDEA if they are coming or going. Their brain is SO FOGGY that one day they will say one thing, and the next day the exact opposite.
Provided they stay in treatment and do the best they can each day to work on themselves, this indecision, confusion, etc will disappear. But first, the alkie and/or addict has to learn that 'manipulation' and other tactics no longer work.
You, your family ad your In laws seem to be on the right track. Hopefully your SIL will get there also.
Oh and btw, the range of emotions you are seeing right now, are just the "tip of the iceberg" so to speak, there will be many many more showing up. Hopefully, your SIL will feel enough trust to work with her counselor.
How anybody "put up" with me my first year of sobriety is totally beyond me. I bounced all over the place, but yes slowly I did get on an even keel and thankfully have been able to stay that way most of the time for many many ODAATs now. lol
JMHO
Love and (((((to all))))),
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I know Laurie and after I posted that, I thought of you! I really want Muffinman to get some good feedback and yours, as always, is invaluable! I always want to thank you for sharing ..... so thanks!
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Yep... what Laurie said. BTDT on both sides of the fence myself.
The only thing I would add is be careful not to get too enmeshed w/ SIL during her recovery either. The best folks for her right now are trained counselors and fellows in recovery.
The only thing I would add is be careful not to get too enmeshed w/ SIL during her recovery either. The best folks for her right now are trained counselors and fellows in recovery.
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