Why can't I let him go

Old 06-23-2006, 03:29 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Patty when I think of some of the things I've done, not with my H while he was drinking, but with other A's I've been involved with .... well, now I just shake my head in amazement and wonder why I wasn't committed to some room with rubber walls! Yikes .....

I think many of us have been where Melissa is and understand it. It hurts me knowing what I know now, however I am intelligent enough to know it's something she needs to go through.

There, now that wasn't rude was it? LOL
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Old 06-23-2006, 03:42 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ASpouse
There, now that wasn't rude was it? LOL
I didn't think your other posts were rude. They were honest. Sometimes honesty hits us as being rude when it hits a little too close to home.
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Old 06-23-2006, 03:55 PM
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ChildlikeFaith, I too needed proof last night and I got it! If I hadn't gone to check on my A (ex-A hopefully) I would probably be spending the weekend with him, like last weekend. I'm trying to move on and get as far away from this relationship as I can. So I completely agree with Gypsy and Denny, the more information you have and the more proof you have, the better you are able to make an informed decision.

Denny,
The next thing for me was hiring a PI as well. If I can't stay away this time that will most likely be my next step. All the proof I can get until I can make the decision that feels right to me.
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Old 06-23-2006, 04:09 PM
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I agree it's good to have info; I hired the PI so I wouldn't have to get into a lying discussion about it. If my AH had been here instead of halfway around the world, I probably would have gone out and shot the footage myself.

What I think is important - and took me a while to learn - is I can have all the info and proof I want, but if I didn't take the next step I was stuck. I believe it's possible to get focused on gaining proof in order to get the A to admit something or the other. I realized (prior to the PI hire) that wasn't going to work anymore. It was going to stop - at least from my side of the game.

When I was in denial I could have "proof" of something and then move onto something else I needed "proof" for. It was a nightmare. If I can spare someone just one extra proof by sharing my experience . . .
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Old 06-23-2006, 04:15 PM
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Thank you Melissa, but I'll tell you this (and don't tell anyone OK ;-), I can be rude ((()))'s to you! You'll be fine, I know you will. It won't be easy and it will hurt like hell, but when you come out on the other side and the sun is shining and you are smiling, you will know you are fine.

You know, when my H, who is now recovering 3 years went into rehab, I was angry. I was so so angry, I cried, I screamed, I punched, I ran every emotion possible.

About 10 days after he left, I saw my uncle who is recovering somewhere near 40 years. He hugged me and asked me how I was feeling (he knew by looking at me, I looked tortured, I looked demented, I looked beaten up).

I told him I felt like someone had used me as a battering ram and slammed me through a brick wall. I explained to him to look at a huge room with a wall running through the middle. I was living on the left side of that room .... the left side was my life where I had lived for 46 years, good and bad. I was forced through the wall (when my husband decided to go to rehab, I knew things would different) dividing that room and I was scared and I was lonely and my old life, the left side of that room was gone to me forever, I could never go back I knew that and I was madder than hell about it. I wasn't given a choice. The only things I had with me in the right side of that room was myself, my kids and my possessions, everything else was gone to me.

As I was telling my uncle this story and sobbing and crying and angry I looked at him and said "Do you understand? Do you?" He looked at me and said very calmly "How do you know it's so bad on the right side? Why make the assumption it's bad when you don't even know yet".

That conversation with my uncle helped turn my way of thinking, ever so slightly, but it firmly planted my feet on the path I was about to follow. He was calm, caring and he obviously cared about me, enough so I could start taking small steps in my new life.

I don't know if that makes any sense to you or anyone, but it was that conversation that stopped me from fighting, that made me realize it was my life and I was only in control of my own life, not my husbands. I've been walking that path ever since and I've never looked back. I've never done "you did this, this and this". At that moment I forgave my husband everything, I don't know why, I just did. I realized that he hurt me because I let him ... it was my choice and I was tired of being hurt, tired of being the victim .... I simply wanted to be me and if that wasn't good enough for my husband, then I'd deal with that when the time came. Fortunately for us, it was good enough.

So Melissa, your path is waiting for you ...... you need to find and plant your feet firmly and start walking. It's that simple, and that hard.

I will tell you that I went to Therapy and Al-Anon, my husband goes to AA and it took years for us to feel a comfort level around our new selves. But these are stops we need to take along our new paths in life.

I'm babbling!
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Old 06-23-2006, 04:35 PM
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When I was in denial I could have "proof" of something and then move onto something else I needed "proof" for. It was a nightmare.
I bet it was Denny and the continuing need for "proof" just keeps us in the game much longer than we need to be and it hurts like hell too!
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Old 06-24-2006, 07:16 AM
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Do I really know?

.
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Old 06-24-2006, 07:26 AM
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Do you really know what Melissa?
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Old 06-24-2006, 07:39 AM
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I decided to start a new thread instead. Sorry
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Old 06-24-2006, 07:43 AM
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Got it...thanks
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