ICU

I've been away for a short time, but do admit to some lurking here and there.

I had an interesting phone call with my Dad last night. For those of you that don't know, I'm having a hard time with my ailing parents. My Mom has something similiar in symptoms to alzheimers; my Dad, well, he's taking care of her and very stressed out, understandably so.

My dog has been staying with them, because they love her so much. She is one of the few things that makes my Mom smile. Well, my dog is overweight, and, I fear that she is getting overfed, not just food, but chocolate treats (that my Mom hides all over the house) as well. Chocolate can be DEADLY for dogs.

I took my dog to stay with me for awhile. Blood test results indicate some malfunction with her kidneys - she is only 4 years young. I'm trying to get her to lose weight with a special diet I cook for her, and, treat whatever is wrong with her kidneys. I can't do this properly if my dog is staying with my folks.

My Dad is beside himself with missing her. Although, he says it's my Mom that misses her, which I'm sure is true to some degree. But when I talk to my Mom, she seems ok with it (or as much as she can be), and it's my Dad who is in tears about missing the dog.

Anyway, I am trying to be understanding of their aging issues and all, but, that doesn't mean I need to endure my Dad's verbal abuse or manipulation. Does it? Everytime I calmly explained to him what was going on with the dog's health issues, he shouted at me that he doesn't give a damn about my 'juvenile emotional outbursts'! (I recognized that anytime in my life when I stood up to him, or challenged him, this was something he would always say to me. It was designed to shut me up, put me in my place so that he could feel all powerful and superior). I wasn't acting that way at all. I was actually very calm while explaining things to him. I caught my breath, remembered that I was in contol of my actions, and thought before I spoke. I explained that I am trying to explain something to him, however, I will not be berated by him. If that's the direction he wants to take this conversation in, we'll have to talk another time. He backed down, but then went into the guilt mode. Well, she's your dog, and apparently you think we're incapable of caring for her and I'm sure we'll never see her again. UGGGGGG!!!! I explained that was not true, and offered to bring her by today for a visit. He said that would do more harm than good. (he's cutting off his nose to spite his face).

Then he started to say that I'm taking the one thing away from them that makes my Mom happy. More guilt. I said that neither my dog nor I are responsible for their happiness....as they are responsible for their own. Again, he replied, ok, if that's the way you want to be.....

I turned it around to say, don't you think you're being a little selfish? I have a chance to turn this dogs health around, but, you don't care about that. You just want her there at the expense of her health? Right? He said, ok, if that's the way you're going to be......SIGH!

On and on...I'm sure you get the gist of it.

This conversation made me realize several things.....I have been manipulated and guilted into things way longer than their aging issues have come into play. I recognize all his tactics, and, it makes my stomach churn to think of all the years I lived by their rules, for their happiness, under their control. No wonder I couldn't think for myself for all these years! No wonder I ended up with my ex. There are so many similarities between how my Dad and my exab treated me, AND, what I tolerated from each of them. It makes total sense to me! Having an adult rational conversation with my Dad was just the same as talking to my ex when he was drunk and in a black out. 'Ya just can't get through to them as they are not capable of thinking about anyone else but themselves. Selfish 101!!!

Another thing I realized is that I have taken so many steps, rather miles, forward; removed myself from it all for over a year now that the concept of being manipulated, guilted, and verbally abused seems so foreign to me now. I don't consider it the norm anymore. Nor do I have any tolerance for it. That's about the healthiest thing I've done for myself in my entire life...well, between that and ending it with my ex!

I feel sad that as I'm 'getting it', my parents will never 'get it'. They'll never understand the changes in me and why it had become so necessary. They'll never be at a point where they are glad for me. Every step I take towards a healthy outlook for myself is a step away from their manipulation, guilt, and control. My father is beginning to feel the effects of my strength and independence, and it scares him. He has lost control over me and he knows it.

But I do admit that I still wrestle with being there for them as much as I can, and taking care of myself at the same time. It's a challenge and I'm not sure I'm doing right by them. But, I do feel that I'm doing better for me. And still, I feel some guilt about that. Progress, not perfection I guess.

Anyway, hope all of you are doing well. Glad to see lots of newbies reaching out. My vacation is reading up on the adventures of Minnie and her US tour. Hope there are pix of the Grand Canyon!!!

Hugs to all!

Later!

Jazzman

*Jazz nodes head in agreement*

Yep... I know the feeling about parents so stuck in their ways, an alternative perspective at this stage of their life is pretty much not an option.
I have to say you sound really great in the sense that your eyes are wide open now. Give yourself a pat on the back!

ICU

I just figured out something else. He is like that with everybody. He treats everyone like they are an inconvenience, a thorn in his side, further justification to be miserable, especially when someone has a different opinion than he does. Doesn't matter if it's another driver on the road, the manager at the grocery store, a newscaster on tv.....

It just dawned on me that if he doesn't care enough about my dog's health enough to allow me time to get a handle on it, then he really doesn't care about the dog at all. It's just there for his convenience. Very reminiscent of how I was treated. Speaks volumes doesn't it?

Wondering why I didn't grow up being more like the both of them? Why did I turn out a codie instead? Was it a needed survival tool on my part? Is it because every toxic person needs a codie for them to be toxic and I was trained to be a codie for just that reason? Sorry, just thinking outloud. I'll shut up now......

denny57

ICU, that's some great recovery and taking control there. I know what you mean about some of the past stuff seeming foreign now.

This may sound like a stupid question - can't your dad get his own dog?

Jazzman

... that you don't have to take care of?

ICU

Thanks Denny. I know that because there are certain things they are no longer capable of doing for themselves that I need to be in their lives to see them through it as best I can. But I need to keep my boundaries in tact, i.e. not accepting verbal abuse. Sure, everyone has a mean word or two at some point, but when it becomes consistent, well, that's another story.

My Dad won't get another dog as he feels it would outlive him and my Mom and feels that wouldn't be fair to the dog. So they get to reap the benefits of having mine around. However, my dogs kidney issue could very well be related to her eating some of the chocolate my Mom has hidden in the house. Can't seem to get my Dad to admit to it even being remotely possible because I'm just an over-emotional mess, according to him. LOL!

I may have to keep the dog here and just bring her to visit my folks a couple of times a week. I can't control my parents, but it is within my control, and my right, to do what is best for my dog. I just wish it didn't hurt them so much.

Pick-a-name

(((ICU))) Sorry about all this.

I have recently noticed the exact same thing in my relationship with my own father. (I also learned his dad was an alcoholic...and I have my thoughts about my dad,too; but......)

Good for you to do what you need to do.

As for your dog.......the way it is, THEY will keep themselves from enjoying your dog because it will be dead without probper treatment.

If a dog is what your mom needs......the pound or animal rescue,etc. We have places around here that take pets whose owners have become unable to care for them but they want to find new homes for them..animal adoptions or something like that. Already trained,etc. dogs. (Pet Smart often has these animals.) Could that be an option? If your dad really wants the dog. If not, I would say he could see yours when you visit. period.

Good luck. To me, your observations seen correct.JMO

Pick-a-name

Crap.........what isn't fair to YOUR dog is keeping it from proper care it has by staying with you. Probably true that your dog would not outlive them at the rate things are going.

Anyhow.....who can tell how long your parents and/or any dog will live? It would probably end up being your dog,etc. anyhow! ha

Sorry to sound cranky...but this remark,etc., strikes a familiar nerve!

Fireside

Dogs are great distractions! I have seen first hand how hard this type of situation is for the "well" spouse. They need something to focus on when the day-in and day-out of caring for their "sick" spouse gets to be too much. It's hard to physically leave the situation everytime you want to get a break. The dog has obviously created a mental break for him.

I think that our animal shelter has all sorts of dogs that are more "mature". Dealing with a puppy, or bouncy 1 year old, could be more than he is up to. Check around. Also, if there is a particular breed he likes, search the web for a rescue site. They place dogs of all ages with people. One last thought is that there are non-profits that allow people to "babysit" a dog (or cat) for a while. The benefits of loving on a pet are well documented. It is a great stress releaver. But your dog is YOUR dog...not theirs.

My heart goes out to you and your family. I know how tough it all is...been there.

ASpouse

It's doubtful that the dog would eat enough chocolate to cause any sort of disease. My feeling based on what you're saying is that the dog has some sort of underlying condition that is causing the kidney problem, perhaps lyme or Cushings disease. Just throwing that out there.

A dog would have to eat at least a 1/2 lb or more of chocolate for it to cause any serious reaction. Stealing chocolate here and there won't cause much harm as much as we dog owners are scared to death about chocolate and our dogs. I can't tell you how much "chocolate" my dogs have stolen around my house, including entire chocolate cakes, a full double pan of chocolate fudge brownies etc and nothing happened to them.

I would have a Thyroid panel run, including T4 to rule out any thyroid malfunction.

I understand your feelings about your parents and how they have affected your life, unfortunately we can't pick and choose our relatives and just need to learn how to "deal" with them.

If seeing the dog will make them feel better, just bring him over. Don't ask, don't offer ....... just do it! I don't think they would kick you out and this way they can visit with the dog, you can police what treats he is given (bring your own cooked treats that coincides with his diet), the dog will be happy, you will do what you need to do, and your parents will get the lift they need. If you make this the routine (say 3 times a week for an hour at a time) I think, and I'm just guessing, that all of this will go away.

I think the other issue with your father and mother, is entirely another issue than the dog.

If you don't give them reason to "pull the guilt card" and say "this is all I can do for you with the dog right now. If it's not good enough, well then I'm sorry." Say it kindly and with compassion. If it's not good enough, then leave with the knowledge you did the best you could, for them and for the dog.

ASpouse

There also are many senior dogs (there is a SeniorDogRescue.com) that are looking for homes in their senior years. This might be an option also, as they don't require the training, high level of exercise as a younger dog that may be hard to handle. Just a thought.

ICU

I've had my dog with me since June 8. In 15 days she lost a little over 3/4 of a pound. For a little dog, that is great!!! I've been very strict with her new diet.

I agree with you Fireside. That's where my guilt comes in. I know that she's a distraction, and a source of comfort for him. I think he's letting his needs overshadow hers right now. I understand his needs, but also understand what my dog needs.

I've tried to get him to consider hiring someone to do the lawn, come in a do a good throrough housecleaing (with me doing weekly maintenances after that), and to have someone come in several times a week to bathe my Mom, etc. to alleviate some of the burden. I'd do all the research for him and present optioins to him but NOPE...he won't have any of it. It's his choice and I can't force him. I guess I've learned 'something' along the way.

Judy,

I just picked up a prescription from my vet for healthy kidney support. It's called Canine Renal Support dietary supplement. If she does well with this over the week, then my vet will suggest other natural supplements as well.

The test that indicated the one kidney level abnormality was revealed in a wellness blood test. I'm thinking that thyroid and lyme tests are separate. I'll ask her about them both when I speak to her next week.

Yeah, I agree. I need to stick to my boundaries with respect to the dog and them. At this point however, I feel as though I'm sacrificing what is best for 1 over the other. Somewhere along the line, one of them will be lost.

Thanks Pick! It helps to know that others understand!!

I'll be bringing my dog for a visit this afternoon. We'll see how it goes. Thanks...sometimes it helps to talk it all out here.

Zoey

Do your parents have a fenced yard??

How about asking at a shelter if you could take a couple of dogs for several hours, take them along to your parents house, Say you are dog sitting, which would be true. See if Mom and Dad like the other dogs. Then ask if they would dog sit one of them?? If something happened to your parents, you could find a home for it.
Just crossed my mind.

It is such wonderful therapy for them, tell them they must keep the dog healthy. If they see and touch, it will work better than asking.