GettingBy

Okay folks, I'm looking for some good ole' fashion E,S&H. I'm at a point in my recovery where I'm recognizing/realizing that I accept WAY TOO MUCH unacceptable behavior from people (not just my husband, but family, friends, etc). How do I stop it? What do I do to stop being a doormat?

So... what I'm looking for is some ideas/thoughts on the steps that you took to get yourself to a stronger place. A place where you could say "NO" and not cringe and worry about the potential backlash. A place where you could finally tell people that you didn't like/appreciate their actions/behavior, and didn't feel like you had to justify yourself.

Any thoughts?

LaTeeDa

Well, if others are accustomed to stepping all over you, there WILL be resistance and backlash if you stop letting them. Maybe it would be best to start small and work your way up to bigger things.

Have you had that baby yet?

L

Jazzman

reminds me of joke I read here the other day....

Q: What do you call a codie that can say no and not feel guilty?

A: Healthy

ChildlikeFaith

Try saying "no" about little things first until you get your confidence up.

Just a thought.

atalose

In order to stop being a doormat, you have to get up off the floor. Learn to say no and mean it! If the equation always equals you being treated like a doormat, then change the equation. Since we know we can't change other people, you need to change. And yes, they are not going to like it but you need to stick with it. It's hard, very hard sticking to meaning it not just saying it. If clothes are left on the floor and laundry is not getting done, O well, let them wear dirty clothes. I remember the first time my son went nuts because I hadn't done his laundry. His laundry was sitting in a pile in the corner of his room. I had asked several times for him to bring it down stairs and help me out by doing it himself. I got the ya ya ya, later. Of course it was my fault that he had to wear dirty pants to school, he was 16 at the time. I told him he'd be wearing dirty pants again tomorrow if he didn't do his own laundry. He did, and from then on, no fights I was so pround of myself for allowing him to take responsibility for himself. I have to admit, my finance (ex) didn't treat me that way, as a matter of fact he would point out those traits when my kids treated me that way. He helped me see it was not right to be treated that way.

Jazzman

Love the laundry story... My Mom did basically the same thing to me when I was 16 ish... Been doing my own laundry ever since and I think I'm gonna pull that one on my 13 yr old... very soon!!!! I have discovered kids can be a source of great recovery homework!

I have often told my Mom that was one of the best things she has ever done for me....

Zoey

When we just ask or yell, they have Mother defness. When it hurts then they learn. Me too.

GettingBy

Nope, no baby yet... but soon, very soon, hopefully!!

I like the story about the laundry. I did something very similiar this past weekend. Hubby came home after a guy's trip, walked in the door with his luggage and said, "Where would you like me to put this?" Oooh... it was so tempting to tell him where to stick it, but I didn't! I told him I didn't care where he put it and so he replied, "Well I just need to know where you want the dirty clothes!" For the first time in our 6 years together I told him flat out, "I'm not washing those clothes." I've always done his laundry, and up until recently it never really bothered me. I guess being over 8 months pregnant, I'm just tired... tired of the responsibilities I have... it was time to start giving some back to him. Like you said Clancy, there was no yelling (which was a first for me), just a statement... and surprise, surprise... he washed all of his clothes!! He even went upstairs and got MY dirty clothes and washed them too!?!?

You're all right... it starts with saying No on the little things, and then builds from there. I know being a pushover is my own damn fault. I've never complained about the extra loads that I carry (unnecessarily!) only because I know that I have a choice. I guess I need to work on making choices that better honor me.

It takes focus. I have to work on it. It really doesn't come naturally. I seemed to be better last year, but have somehow slipped back.

It does feel so much better to stand up for myself. To say how I feel, rather than bottle it up.

ICU

I'm liking that a whole lot GettingBy!

gypsyrose

My mother didn't have to ask me to do my own laundry. I started doing it on my own as soon as I was old enough to care about clothes. The reason was because my mother was blind, she would put everything in the machine together and it would all come out different colors. LOL

decisions

PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!


Is all i can add to the pot of Gold u have in above posts!

Jazzman

The good news is the more you speak up for yourself the easier it gets

mallowcup

Sometimes words aren't necessary or the best way to handle people like that. I think internalizing the information and placing physical and emotional distance accomplishes what needs to be done. Words are sometimes wasted on people who just use you and abuse you.they haven't gotten to this point in their lives without being manipulative and arguementative. I think one way to become more self protective and assertive is to get around some mentally healthy and productive people. Folks like to be around people who make them feel good about themselves. I found that entering college helped me in this area. I got myself into a new and helthy enviroment where I shared a common interest with people who were proactive in theri own lives. Those Jerry Springer types seem to fade away unless you keep them in the hub of your life.

GettingBy

This is SOOOO very true when I think about my mother-in-law. There are so many things she does that are so violating to me. My husband thinks I should "talk it out" with her. I think trying to talk to her about it is a waste of my breath (actually talking things out with my husband can sometimes be a big waste of breath too!). I'm now starting to put a physical seperation between her and I... though sometimes I feel like maybe I should say something?!?!?

Ah, for now... the physical seperation works just fine.

One day at a time. And I certainly will keep practicing.

And what if it's your WHOLE family?!?! LOL!!!

mallowcup

Some people can obrain and education at college or trade shcool and some have spent the same amount of time mastering manipulation. As we acheive the skillls to get through life, so have they. It isn't just what they say or how they get what they want, it't their input and infuluence on our daily lives. They influence our perspective, our direction, our investments. You can talk and talk and all that really does is expose your vulnerabilities to them. Talk means handing them more information to use against you to get what they want. My mother is this type of person. She has managed a lifetime of getting what she wants from other people. She can manage to go to the casino all day but can't stop at the pharmacy to get her own meds. She can shop all day but not clean her own house. My husband just got called back to work, thank GOD! But... I was just reaizing that I was working full time. he's around the corner at the bar every afternoon and playing cards every Sat night while I work. I'm running around doing shopping and "stuff" for my mother while she's out to lunch and I said, "hey, wait a minute!, what's wrong with this picture?" Distance, physcal distance works for me. I find that I am able to consider myself in my own life when I am away from these people. Our house if in need of repair but my husband is of being a hero fixing someone elses. I am trying very hard to say "no", politely but with conviction.

mallowcup

What if it's the whole family. ditto here. Not exactly the whole family but the only ones I have contact with daily. I think the answer is still distance.

GingerM

I had a horrible time saying 'no' without guilt. The way I was raised, I didn't have the option of saying 'no'. Between marriage counselling and cognitive behavioral therapy, I'm learning how to do so.

Both of those counsellors essentially said "When you feel the desire to say no, and it really is what you mean, just say it. Then sit with the feelings. Don't try to change the feelings you have."

The idea is that you change your behavior and even if it's uncomfortable, if you sit with the discomfort long enough, it will cease to be uncomfortable. Today I can say 'no' to most things, although a few things still get to me. But I'm much better than I used to be.

I used to use the Nike slogan when I wanted to say 'no' but felt that old guilt trap hitting me. My brain would cheer at me "Just Do It!" and I would. And I would feel all squirmy inside. But over time, I don't feel so squirmy. Most of the time now, I just feel it as a statement of how I feel, without any secondary emotions tied to it. Of course, it's taken me, oh, three years or so, to get to here, but now I'm sure I will get there eventually in all situations.

Live

It was an epiphany to me as a mom when I realized if the kids could use those complicated video games, they could turn those easy knobs on the washer and dryer.

I distance myself from people who mistreat me. I am not all that social anyway...so it works for all of us for them to consider me a little eccentric. But independent.

other words for no. No, thank you. I'd rather not, thanks.
I'd like to.... That won't work out.

GettingBy

I learned that lesson the hard way with my In-laws. At first, I thought it was nice how "open" they were and how willing they were to talk to me about everything... and then I realized that they were just gathering ammo to use against me later. Master Manipulators.

Keeping my mouth shut really helps alot.