Alongtimegone

Well – I just found out about another “friend” my husband was working on. She drinks quite heavily too, and I hadn’t seen much of her for a few years and then all of a sudden she was coming over to visit again. She is a flirty person by nature, and I guess my husband liked that about her, but he was only “calling her to ask her questions about me.”
It strikes me as a bit odd that my now former friend never mentioned it to me.
I, for one, would find it odd (and inappropriate) if my friend’s (the few I have left) husbands or boyfriends called me, and I would mention it to my friend(s) immediately.
This was all happening during a time when I was so happy, and thought we had finally resolved all these things and they were of the past. What a dipshit I was to get so caught up in fantasy that I didn't see what was really going on.
I was so upset today when I found this out, and I tried to tell him how I felt. How hard it was, how many people in my life (a sister included) he's done this with. I'm sure I wasn't "nice,"but who would be?
My spouses’ response: “You just never get over things do you? That’s all in the past.”
Hmmm – I just found out about it today.
What this makes me see is that I have very few friends because of my fear that he will hit on them. I wonder how many more are left out there that this hasn’t happened with? Are there any? Do I even have any true friends?
I have great feelings of self-loathing right now. It hurts that the people I have let close to me could do these things without a seeming pang of conscience. How can I be so stupid and trusting? Do I have to be afraid of people and their motives for the rest of my life?
Tears are streaming down my face as I write this - When will I learn not to let it all hurt me anymore?

Gabe

It sounds to me like he is manipulating you by using people who are close to you in hurtful ways. Why those people are participating in this game, I don't know. But it doesn't reflect badly on you. I know how hard it is to have trust in anyone after things like this happen.
And by the way, if I had a dollar for every time I was told that I don't let go of things and "it's all in the past", I could retire a very wealthy woman tomorrow. Hugs to you, I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and betrayed right now.
Peace,
Gabe

hopper

I hate to say this but your husband should be your best friend. Love and friendship is based on respect and honesty. Without these two, there is no foundation for any relationship let alone a strong one. If your husband doesn't pick your friends, he'll pick strangers. You cannot isolate yourself to protect your marriage. Sorry to say this but he's the problem. This has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Stay strong and keep posting.

Ann

He's being a jerk and your friends are not really your friends if they participate.

Right now you are sad, lonely and miserable. And I am sorry you feel that way, it must hurt terribly.

But only YOU can make you feel better, He doesn't hold the key to your happiness, you do. So unlock that door, make some new friends (Al-Anon is a great place to start), and tell yourself that you deserve better!!

Like you, I spent far too long feeling bad - so bad that I was physically sick. Until one day I just woke up and said "enough". I have never looked back.

You can do it too. You are a terrific lady with lots to offer the world, and there are many people out there who would love to be your friend.

So wipe those tears and make a plan for your happiness. You deserve it.

Gabe

Boy, I stubbornly refused to believe that one for a LONG time. I would hear it and stomp my emotional foot and shout "That's ridiculous!" I was convinced that my happiness depended on other people and how they treated me. Once I got it through my thick head that I could indeed be responsible for my own happiness, it was like a candle in the darkness. I still struggle with this from time to time, but not as much as I used to. I am indeed the captain of my own soul, and the sailing is much better when I remember that. Thanks for the reminder Ann!
Peace,
Gabe

Alongtimegone

I am even wary of AlAnon at this point, since he goes there so often and wants us to do the recovery together. I feel like I would have to sneak to a meeting - and then I am afraid of running into one of his newly cultivated "female friends."

hopper

maybe I'm missing something here but he's the problem, not his newly cultivated female friends.

Gabe

Don't let him hold you hostage this way. It makes me sad to think that you are reluctant to go to an Alanon meeting because his "behavior" might infringe on that as well. Your recovery is about you, and his recovery is about him. If you allow him to make recovery a "together" thing, I'm not sure it will do either of you any good. Please be your own best friend and make sure that you get what you need right now, you deserve it.
Peace and hugs to you,
Gabe

Live

Along, I, too, felt that I couldn't attend al-anon because it put me in "his Network".....and it was no idle suspicion, it was true.....but I go to another town where he has no influence.

Triangles are a brillant manuever in a game of control.
Look at all it accomplishes! Insecurity, isolation, competition to keep/please him............and hurt is an excellent measure of caring, just as satisfying as joy if you just need to know how much power you have with someone.

said with care and concern,

big hug!
live

Live

OH!

I meant to point you to the power and control info Morning Glory has so kindly posted in the PTSD forum...it was in answer to a thread I started called "sorting what from what"

Alongtimegone

He is oh-so charming and likeable. He tells me that everyone thinks he is a great guy and is nice to him except me.
He can't understand why I am not nice to him and why I am angry.
My anger all turns inward at myself - mostly for being fooled into believing I had the marriage of my dreams.
Every time I don't do something the way he wants it, or act the way he wants me to, he pays me back by violating a boundary - contacting women that were supposedly out of the picture, posting jokes about a very traumtic experience that happened to me in my youth.
Al-Anon is his circle, as is the church we have both been attending.
He is really good at convincing everyone that he is the loyal, devoted husband and I am just an angry, hard to please wife.
I feel like I have totally lost myself here.
I know I will get more shaming and blaming and hurt from him because I have posted here, but I honestly don't know where to turn right now.
I hate calling my Mom and upsetting her - and I hate telling her about the things he's done - it worries her that I am still trying to work this out. She is scared for me. I am scared for me.
I have lost any sense of self-respect I once had.

Live

Along,

Charming, witty, personable, sets people at ease with his friendliness and ready smile, hailed and greeted everywhere he goes, so darned likable people forgive him his exploits, cause of that boyish charm, always ready with a joke, or a look of such concern when a neighbor has a burden, so ready with the gesture to show his good will......

and once you get home he may become a complete sadist to you over the most unimaginable, unintended wrong move you made that humiliated him and proved what a disappointing and inadequate mate you are.....

and the more hurt you are the more gratified he is.....

and the next morning he will make love to you so passionately and sweetly....

that the ambivalence is so loud you cannot hear yourself think...

NO I AM NOT DATING YOUR MAN

but his kin was my soulmate.....

I know how you feel...

I won't go on....but I am, we are, here and glad you are.


live

Live

PS Along,

Your friends....you never know what they have been told or said t them...did you ever once make an unkind remark or observation about them? He can tell them you said such and such...or even twist a remark that isn't negative to cast doubt...and they probably will feel betrayed...
if it is something no one would know but you, slam dunk..
it's a really creative maneuver when you get both of them feeling betrayed by the other, too hurt and humiliated to talk about it and you can play one against the other

there are hundreds of versions of the triangles game.

Being your only friend is a coup in the war. He will make sure he is the one you talk to....

if it takes distrust, then stir it up....

live

....I am learning the rules

faithinbrian

Ann and Gabe you are so right about the phrase You are the only one that can make You happy, it has taken me along time to come to that realization to, and now that I am here I am working everyday at it and sometimes I have a hard time, but one day at a time I keep telling myself. I have found great comfort in these posts. I am so glad I found this place where people come together and talk about the same kinds of things that are in my daily life as well and to find the strength and support here, thanks again everyone.

Alongtimegone

I talked to her. Turns out, she was trying to help out. He emailed her and asked her to call him because he had "no one in the world to talk to." she felt sorry for him.
That's the same way he hooked me.
He complained about me over and over again. She tried to get him to see both sides. When he started asking her to meet him for drinks, she told him she would if I was there as well. Eventually, she saw what he was up to and stopped having contact.
I am thankful it wasn't a double betrayal.

faithinbrian

alongtimegone, Im glad to hear you got the chance to talk to your friend its always a good idea to get both sides of the story, I know what it feels like to be betrayed by "so-called" friends, it stinks for sure, keep your chin up

Live

Glad you talked to her.....even tho the news hurts at least you know what is up....

remember mine moved in my replacement right away and tried to hide it because he thought I was out of town. Well, he doesn't tell anybody that he has her. But he tells them I moved in with some guy. A friend of mine.

She thinks they are going to get married and be happy family. And he doesn't tell people she even exists.!

Now I know why when I had been with him such a long time, people would still act like he had just got a new girlfriend when we met them!

And I haven't been on even one date since we broke up!!!

twisty twisty!!

Live

:asmd:


hahahahahahahaha