amyrosebud

Hello to all. My eyes have been newly opened to the destructive force of alcoholism. I am involved with a man who has spent the better part of 15 years avoiding the fact that he is an alcholic. The "lightbulb" moment for me was when he laid his hands on me and abused me for the first time. He has been down the denial road for most of our relationship, but finally there is light... He has decided to attend his first AA meeting tonight in many years and I'm not sure how to feel about it. I have endured almost 2 years of his drinking getting progressively worse, as well as his verbal, mental and physical abuse. Now sometimes it feels like too little too late. But something inside of me knows that there is a wonderful man under this disease and I can't leave him alone in his time of need. I have never had to deal with addictions before and I am feeling very uncertain. My family is very lucky, as we are not predisposed to the disease and none of us drink. Where do I go from here? Thank you for any support or guidance you can give me.

denny57

Welcome amyrosebud

Physical abuse is never acceptable, as I'm sure you know. It will escalate unless the person deals with it. It is commendable that he is attending the meeting. Does your statement about that mean he has been in AA before?

Yes, alcoholism is a progressive disease that will only get worse. I was with my AH for 18 years and the last 2 were just plain awful. Last autumn, I asked him to leave. Frankly, it was my "time of need." I learned in Al-Anon and therapy that I do not have to sacrifice myself for someone else's addiction and/or bad behavior. My AH will find his own way with or without me in his life.

Keep reading here, learn all you can about alcoholism and codependency. I have found Al-Anon to be extremely helpful and you may want to try that. Individual therapy and talking things over with my family doctor have also helped enormously.

Good luck and keep posting.

Fireside

Amy- I just want to say welcome. I am not as far along this path as others, but I feel for you. I understand where you are in all of this. Plenty of others will come along and give much better advice than I can at this time...I'm more in a taking mode than giving right now.

It may take some time for all of this to sink in...take that time to absorb information. HOWEVER, there is something you should do immediately. Please read the sticky notes at the top of the Forum page on abusive situations. Make an exit plan...just in case. I know that seems so harsh, especially if he is turning things around. But, my experience tells me that there will be a lot of different feelings that he (and you) will have to work through. Some of those may be unpleasant. If he has already hit you or abused you in some manner, chances are it could happen again. It is better to be prepared.

good luck!

amyrosebud

Thank you Denny & FS. I am leaving our apartment at the end of the month to move into a new home that I am closing on. It was supposed to be "our" home, but I am moving in alone now. I have spoken to a number of people I work with and I am getting information on attending a local Al-anon meeting. Ive been to one before, but I didnt click with anyone there (only 5 older women there and it was a very rushed meeting) and I didnt go back. That was my fault entirely and I see that I need to keep trying to find my place. Thank you again for your support and helpful words...

MsPINKAcres

Amy,
Don't blame yourself for not getting "it" at your first Al-Anon meeting - for some of us it takes a while - my home group suggests trying 6 meetings before you decide if Al-Anon is for you or not -
Please do have a Plan B, a safety plan incase of violent behavior to protect yourself - You deserve to have a safe place.
Take care & Keep coming back,
Rita

amyrosebud

Thanks Rita. I'm not really "blaming" myself as much as wishing i had stuck with it longer. But today is a good day and I'm staying positive. I have family and friends to go to incase of an emergency and I will be out at the end of the month (9 days) anyway, so I feel much better now. I have good support here at work with a few people who are either going through the same thing now or have been there. Its a tremendous support system. One of my co-workers even offered to be his sponsor in AA if he didnt have one. He is going to his first meeting AA meeting tonight with a co-worker and has asked me to go with him. I think I will just to see what its like and gain more insight into the disease. I am still intent on moving out alone, though. I need this for myself more than ever and it feels right. Even though I can't quite afford it on my own, I can get a roommate to share expenses and my family has offered to help where they can. I'm clear and happy for the first time in I dont know how long. I have a path and it feels great. I'm happy for him that he is now getting help and taking responsibility, but he is not my primary concern anymore.... I am. Wow, that was a long time coming!

MsPINKAcres

Good Job Amy - Keep that focus on you - Remember you always have options - that's what helps keep me sane - Prior to recovery, I felt like I was stuck with no way out - Choices give me freedom.
Open AA meetings are a great way to learn about the disease - until I attend several, I really struggle with the concept of "disease" -
Hope it is a great meeting for you and that your "A" has the light come on for him too.
Visit with you later,
Progress not Perfection,
Rita

jackson123

Amyrosebud, good luck to you. Leaving is a very brave thing to do. Sometimes I wish I could just walk away and never look back. Kicking him out is the hard part for me.
My prayers are with you. Be strong.

Lisa

amyrosebud

Brave yes, easy no. I love this man with all my heart, but I have put up with enough. This is never easy, infact its harder with time. I just hit my breaking point. thanks for your prayers and I have to say right back at you.

Amy