gypsyrose

I've been letting everything get to me recently. I have come up with an emrgency exit plan and that seems to have helped me feel less overwhelmed. But meanwhile, I seem to have hit some kind of emotional wall when it comes to my relationship with AH. He has been distant at best, usually moody and sometimes mean. I've been trying to do all the "right things" as far as my own behavior goes but my emotions are not backing me up here. I been feeling tearful so much of the time, I know I must be doing something wrong. I keep thinking about the line someone posted... something like "depression is anger without enthusiasm." Perhaps that's where I'm at right now. I'm just sitting back and watching something I have no control over take it's course.

Not really, "just sitting back." This weekend, took the children to the city and visited a couple of museums. Started an art project with them that we're working on daily. Took them to a movie. Took them for picnic, swimming, out for ice cream. As usual, keeping pretty busy... but feeling so emotionally fragile all the time.

AH went finally had an appointment with his doctor today. I don't know how it went yet. They were supposed to be talking about antabuse and/or other medication that might help him since what he's been doing so far isn't working. If he's cut back on drinking, the only result I can see is he's moodier than ever. Not that I've been looking but I've seen plenty of empty vodka bottles in the recycling. To his credit, he's mostly staying away from me because he knows he's being moody. And I'm staying away from him as well... because I'm tired of offering love and support and getting... ****. It's like trying to get close to a pi$$ed off porcipine.

We're leaving next week to spend six weeks in Maui. I'm excited but also nervous because things are so uncomfortable between AH and I right now. He's expressed, more than once, that he's mad at me for spoiling his trip because now he can't go out and have wine with dinner while we're on vacation. I don't even respond because it's expressed as a verbal attack not as part of a conversation. I won't, haven't before and don't intend to start now, fight with him about his drinking.

I told him to chose between drinking and his family months ago because he was becoming more abusive towards me than I could tolerate. I do believe he has been "trying" to get sober ever since. He has been reading, researching, going to all his scheduled meetings and waiting (what seems like forever) for his doctor appointment. I do see him trying... it's just... depressing... Why is it so hard for him to just stop? And why is he even more difficult to live with now. I know, I've been reading the books (Beyond the Influence, etc.) and it does help me to understand a little, at least intellectually. But emotionally... that's a different story.

Sorry this is so long. I'm just trying to understand why it's all so darn hard and why I'm feeling the way I am. As I mentioned before, I have a plan in place and until I feel the need to change things, I guess I'll be taking it "one day at a time."

FormerDoormat

That's the million dollar question. I guess for folks like us, who aren't addicted to alcohol, it's hard to understand why our alcoholic loved once just can't stop drinking. I guess it's not much different than my problem with overeating. Despite my best efforts, I can't seem to get that under control. I can do it for a time, but eventually I lose the battle.

Good to hear that you've put together an escape plan and that you're taking care of yourself and your kiddies and doing your best to enjoy life despite what's happening with your husband.

As my relationship with my boyfriend was drawing to a close I was tearful all the time. I was grieving the loss of my relationship and the loss of my boyfriend to alcoholism.

gypsyrose

Thank you FormerDoormat,

Your message brought tears to my eyes. See what I mean? I'm hopelessly emotional. Okay, deep breath, I'm fine. I've got go to get my boys in the shower but I'll be back soon.

Zoey

gyspyrose, I understand, just want to send a "hug."
When you can get to a meeting you will feel better.

gypsyrose

Thank you Clancy,

I am very grateful that I am already comfortable going to meetings in Maui and that I have them to look forward to. Remembering that helps keep me from being as nervous about the trip.

Tiredx5

(((((GYPSYROSE)))))

Hang in there! I too felt the same as you ... (and sometimes still do). I hated being so emotional, plus it scared the heck out of the kids. So, I gave myself permission to let loose during MY time and cry a big one if I wanted - nobody knew about it except that they knew I took REALLY LONG SHOWERS! and the old soap in the eyes explained the redness quite easily to the kids. It will get better, the crying will stop. When you start taking care of you...you really do start feeling better about things!

When in Maui...enjoy! Do new things that you have never done before...do the things that you enjoy the most over and over. For me that would be horseback riding with the kids, going on long hikes and picnics with them, photo scavenger hunts (one at the ocean, and one further inland)! Make memories with them...they will hold on to them! Believe me...just last week my 8 year old daughter and I had our own party...soda, pizza, and we played our new CD as loud as we could and danced in the living room, jumping on the couch, twirling, and laughing. She loved it so much we have made plans to do this once a month! Great fun...great memories! Guess what I am trying to say is think about you, and take care of you! Hugs to you...hang in there!!!!

Ros

megamysterioso

A big hug to you ((((gypsyrose)))). There is no miracle cure for all this that you're going through. All you really can do is watch his actions, have your plan in place and hope for the best. Take it one day at a time and please do enjoy your trip. Having some face to face support there will hopefully bring you some comfort.