Wondering what to do...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: MA
Posts: 1
Wondering what to do...
I just found this site today, I'm at work and should be working but I can't help but wonder what I should do. My boyfriend and I bought a condo together last year - we both love each other dearly.
After we moved into our house there were a couple incidents with alcohol. He finished the whole bottle of rum by himself after I went to bed. I knew he had drank a lot in the past (he's 24 and I'm 23 - we were each other's first loves in middle school, throughout high school, then didn't speak for over 3 years and saw each other again and haven't gone a day without each other since).
I didn't realize he had a problem until that happened (the bottle of rum - twice). He admitted to me that he had a problem. Ever since then we haven't had alcohol in the house. He did go out one night and didn't tell me and he was of course very intoxicated when he got home (that was the day before Christmas Eve). The next time was in March and then nothing happened until last weekend, we went to his cousin's wedding and of course, open bar, all night... I just started crying when I saw him with the first drink. He had a mixed drink (he is better with beer than the hard stuff, so it seems) and I knew it was going to be a LONG night. I couldn't help myself, I was so upset. And sure enough, he had one drink in hand and one on the table waiting for him ALL night. Anyways, by the end of the night, he was so drunk, I don't think I have ever seen him that bad. He had NO idea what he was even doing.
We have talked about it a little since then. I didn't want to bring it up because some days he says he doesn't have a problem and he should have never told me that (now I have seen it for myself) and some days he is okay talking about it. I told him that I really wish he wouldn't have any alcohol anymore... he says he doesn't want to drink the hard stuff anymore but he likes beer. He keeps saying that he wishes he could come home and have a beer to relax after work. I don't understand - why can't he be happy with a soda or something? He thinks he can have a beer and be fine. But I don't think he should be having anything, it's just going to tempt him more and more. We both want children and that's one thing he has told me he is afraid of, he doesn't want our kids to end up like him (he said that while he was drunk one night).
I know it's a disease and we can't help that, he needs to help himself before anything else. I think my friend and I are going to go to an Al-Anon meeting, I went to a couple AA's with him, he had a DUI and had to go. He won't go anymore. (He has honestly learned his lesson when it comes to driving and drinking, but I still worry every time he is out or talks about going out) I won't tell him that I am going to a meeting, he wouldn't be happy about it. We're still young and I just want him to be able to fix this now so we can both be happy. I have low self esteem and he says that he won't drink anything if I don't put myself down anymore, etc. But it's not like he drinks all the time, he doesn't - just once in a while but when he does, he *really* does. There have been times when he had A beer or 2 - but then I have seen him just go to 3 and 4 and that's what scares me. I'm sorry this is so long and I'm ranting, I am just so glad I found this site and I guess I just wanted to get this out and see if anyone had any thoughts about what I should do. I don't want to leave him, I can't imagine leaving him - I feel like that's what I am supposed to do though, give him an ultimatum, if he drinks at all, I'm going to have to take our puppy and leave (which involves selling our house)... or maybe I'm wrong, I don't know.
I appreciate everyone who reads this long ranting post. Thank you.
Thank you!!!
After we moved into our house there were a couple incidents with alcohol. He finished the whole bottle of rum by himself after I went to bed. I knew he had drank a lot in the past (he's 24 and I'm 23 - we were each other's first loves in middle school, throughout high school, then didn't speak for over 3 years and saw each other again and haven't gone a day without each other since).
I didn't realize he had a problem until that happened (the bottle of rum - twice). He admitted to me that he had a problem. Ever since then we haven't had alcohol in the house. He did go out one night and didn't tell me and he was of course very intoxicated when he got home (that was the day before Christmas Eve). The next time was in March and then nothing happened until last weekend, we went to his cousin's wedding and of course, open bar, all night... I just started crying when I saw him with the first drink. He had a mixed drink (he is better with beer than the hard stuff, so it seems) and I knew it was going to be a LONG night. I couldn't help myself, I was so upset. And sure enough, he had one drink in hand and one on the table waiting for him ALL night. Anyways, by the end of the night, he was so drunk, I don't think I have ever seen him that bad. He had NO idea what he was even doing.
We have talked about it a little since then. I didn't want to bring it up because some days he says he doesn't have a problem and he should have never told me that (now I have seen it for myself) and some days he is okay talking about it. I told him that I really wish he wouldn't have any alcohol anymore... he says he doesn't want to drink the hard stuff anymore but he likes beer. He keeps saying that he wishes he could come home and have a beer to relax after work. I don't understand - why can't he be happy with a soda or something? He thinks he can have a beer and be fine. But I don't think he should be having anything, it's just going to tempt him more and more. We both want children and that's one thing he has told me he is afraid of, he doesn't want our kids to end up like him (he said that while he was drunk one night).
I know it's a disease and we can't help that, he needs to help himself before anything else. I think my friend and I are going to go to an Al-Anon meeting, I went to a couple AA's with him, he had a DUI and had to go. He won't go anymore. (He has honestly learned his lesson when it comes to driving and drinking, but I still worry every time he is out or talks about going out) I won't tell him that I am going to a meeting, he wouldn't be happy about it. We're still young and I just want him to be able to fix this now so we can both be happy. I have low self esteem and he says that he won't drink anything if I don't put myself down anymore, etc. But it's not like he drinks all the time, he doesn't - just once in a while but when he does, he *really* does. There have been times when he had A beer or 2 - but then I have seen him just go to 3 and 4 and that's what scares me. I'm sorry this is so long and I'm ranting, I am just so glad I found this site and I guess I just wanted to get this out and see if anyone had any thoughts about what I should do. I don't want to leave him, I can't imagine leaving him - I feel like that's what I am supposed to do though, give him an ultimatum, if he drinks at all, I'm going to have to take our puppy and leave (which involves selling our house)... or maybe I'm wrong, I don't know.
I appreciate everyone who reads this long ranting post. Thank you.
Thank you!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
only you can make your decision,and in reality only you WILL make your decision.....you are sooooo young...i know you hate to hear that....but let me tell you take a poll of people over 40,and ask how many wish they would have listened more to their parents or the older generation!!.....its amazing how we never can see things till we are there...........but anyway,read read read---that is always my advice to the newcomers here....everything you possibly can...books,articles,alanon,and read the real lives of the people who come here,the ones who have loved an alcoholic for years,then make your decisions. good luck...and welcome
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi emu welcome to sr
i am a recovering addict and has been married to an active addict for 20yrs, and at first, it was the beers and it progressively got worse and worse. i have done all i know how to do to get him to see his need to stop and how it was affecting our lives. i ignored all the signs and had 2 children of this marriage. i felt the same way as you, until i realized that i was allowing his addiction to literally destroy me. i developed low self-esteem, and a host of other negative emotions.
when i first found sr, i was a basket case, i began to read and read everything that i could find including real life stories of what this desease can do to a life. i realized that there was nothing that i could do to convince my h the need to stop. i have given he ultimatums that because of his loving nature while sober, i could not hold to, therefore did not work.
my h is still in active addiction and is not ready to stop and there is nothing that i can do but to began to do what i need to do to take care of myself and my sanity.
only you can make the decisions for your life and how you will live it, but now this, you are not alone and you don't have to do this alone. here you will find a lot of supportive and caring people who are willing to help you to recover from the effects of this desease, it is up to you.
i suggest that instead of focusing on your bf, to seriously began to focus on you and what you want out of this relationship, what you want for your life,
because if he says sometimes that he has a problem, chances are, he does.
there are quite a few of us here at sr who is or have been where you are and we are all here to help each other. i am kind of new here but someone with more wisdom and experience will be along shortly.
just hang on and keep reading and posting, help is on the way, in the mean time i will be praying for you and yours.
i am a recovering addict and has been married to an active addict for 20yrs, and at first, it was the beers and it progressively got worse and worse. i have done all i know how to do to get him to see his need to stop and how it was affecting our lives. i ignored all the signs and had 2 children of this marriage. i felt the same way as you, until i realized that i was allowing his addiction to literally destroy me. i developed low self-esteem, and a host of other negative emotions.
when i first found sr, i was a basket case, i began to read and read everything that i could find including real life stories of what this desease can do to a life. i realized that there was nothing that i could do to convince my h the need to stop. i have given he ultimatums that because of his loving nature while sober, i could not hold to, therefore did not work.
my h is still in active addiction and is not ready to stop and there is nothing that i can do but to began to do what i need to do to take care of myself and my sanity.
only you can make the decisions for your life and how you will live it, but now this, you are not alone and you don't have to do this alone. here you will find a lot of supportive and caring people who are willing to help you to recover from the effects of this desease, it is up to you.
i suggest that instead of focusing on your bf, to seriously began to focus on you and what you want out of this relationship, what you want for your life,
because if he says sometimes that he has a problem, chances are, he does.
there are quite a few of us here at sr who is or have been where you are and we are all here to help each other. i am kind of new here but someone with more wisdom and experience will be along shortly.
just hang on and keep reading and posting, help is on the way, in the mean time i will be praying for you and yours.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
EmuHocky, Welcome to SR, this is the greatest sight ever.
Read everything you can on here as sunshine and teke mentioned.
take what you can use and leave the rest. Keep comeing back.
Others will be by to share.
Read everything you can on here as sunshine and teke mentioned.
take what you can use and leave the rest. Keep comeing back.
Others will be by to share.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR... we are glad you found us.
Im sorry that you are having problems with your BF drinking. You need to remember that you did not cause it, you can not control it and you sure cant cure it. Once I really got all this through my head it helped my thought process alot.
I also wanted to point out one thing that caught my attention. He said that he will stop drinking IF you stop putting yourself down.... hon that is a common set up (In my humble opinion) it gives him an escape plan and puts the responsibility for his drinking on you... dont fall for any of those hooks.
He is already aware of your feelings regarding his drinking and chooses to continue to drink... you are wasting your breath and time by reminding him all the time and this includes things like the slient treatment and the fights.... dont babysit him, its demeaning to you and him... also you dont need to enable him... things like taking care of him when he drinks too much, hide that you are going to Al-anon etc.... Do you really want to be in a relationship that you cant be honest in?
I went to al-anon, theraphy, Sober Recovery and alot of research ... I like the face to face support of Al-anon because it shows me first hand Im not alone. One thing that was told to me is if I cant accept him for who he is today... then Im in the wrong relationship.... dont go into something hoping you/they will change cuz you will be really disapointed. Also remember, its ok to love an Alcoholic .. you just need to learn the tools so it does not drive you insane, there are many that choose to stay with their Alcoholic.
The good news is you dont have to make any decision today. All you have to do today is read, learn and get the support... know your not alone. I look forward to getting to know you.
Im sorry that you are having problems with your BF drinking. You need to remember that you did not cause it, you can not control it and you sure cant cure it. Once I really got all this through my head it helped my thought process alot.
I also wanted to point out one thing that caught my attention. He said that he will stop drinking IF you stop putting yourself down.... hon that is a common set up (In my humble opinion) it gives him an escape plan and puts the responsibility for his drinking on you... dont fall for any of those hooks.
He is already aware of your feelings regarding his drinking and chooses to continue to drink... you are wasting your breath and time by reminding him all the time and this includes things like the slient treatment and the fights.... dont babysit him, its demeaning to you and him... also you dont need to enable him... things like taking care of him when he drinks too much, hide that you are going to Al-anon etc.... Do you really want to be in a relationship that you cant be honest in?
I went to al-anon, theraphy, Sober Recovery and alot of research ... I like the face to face support of Al-anon because it shows me first hand Im not alone. One thing that was told to me is if I cant accept him for who he is today... then Im in the wrong relationship.... dont go into something hoping you/they will change cuz you will be really disapointed. Also remember, its ok to love an Alcoholic .. you just need to learn the tools so it does not drive you insane, there are many that choose to stay with their Alcoholic.
The good news is you dont have to make any decision today. All you have to do today is read, learn and get the support... know your not alone. I look forward to getting to know you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Again welcome to SR. I also was a basket case by the time I came here and sweetie you have to make a stand for both of you if you choose to stay in the relationship. Don't give it a second thought about the condo you share together - that's the last thing to worry about. Right now you have to set boundaries and stick with them no matter how hard it will be to abide by them. But by doing so you will be loving him in the best way possible. He has to learn about consequences. The court has showed him one from a legal standpoint...but they can't teach him the ones that will come from a family torn apart - from alcoholism. I have been married to my AH for 22 years and we had children. He as we speak is living with another female alcoholic for the last year....it tore our family wide apart. His children won't have any contact with him and I won't either. He was 23 and I was 27 when we married and he had a "problem" when we got married. I'd like to tell you to run and run fast but I know that you love him too much for that, I can see the love for him in your words....so until you can decide just what to do just read, read, and read somemore until you know absolutely everything you can about what your life will be like. And hold off having kids until he sees that he needs to quit drinking for himself not for you, not for the courts, not for his family...for himself and only himself. Only when this happens will you have the marriage you thought you were getting. Stay here with us we will all help you in any way we can.
He is already showing signs to all of us veterans that he has got the manipulation thing down to a fine art. Beware...
(((hugs)))
Janet
He is already showing signs to all of us veterans that he has got the manipulation thing down to a fine art. Beware...
(((hugs)))
Janet
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome emu
Just wanted to say hi and welcome you to the site. Good advice above and I'm sure others will be along to add their thoughts.
What works for me is Al-Anon, therapy, doctor visits, SR, and lots of reading to educate myself on addiction and codpendency.
Keep coming back!
Just wanted to say hi and welcome you to the site. Good advice above and I'm sure others will be along to add their thoughts.
What works for me is Al-Anon, therapy, doctor visits, SR, and lots of reading to educate myself on addiction and codpendency.
Keep coming back!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I agree you have gotten some good advice here. Heed it....I too wish I had listened when my Mom said "He's Not Right For You"....boy, was she right!
You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you, don't waste it.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Dolly
You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you, don't waste it.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
It's a long process and he and you are on a part of it. No-one here has a crystal ball or can tell you the future - that will be down to your own choices as you make them.
I personally won't condemn a person for saying much of what your BF has, I think it is part of the process to switch from this drink to that, to try rules like not drinking inside, even to look for reasons for the lack of control - like maybe 'it's because I can't have a beer when I want that I go mad when I do'. Those are questions I think any person needs to answer for themselves before they can really KNOW what they have to do.
From the point of view of a loved one I remember so many tears, a sense of wishing it would stop, and a frustration in feeling as though he just didn't realise what I knew so well. The feelings were powerful and I needed help with them. I went for counselling, used SR and as things progressed went with my hubby to alcohol counselling.
It took things getting worse before they got better and they ONLY got better because D (my hubby) was very committed to not letting it win! After trying and failing at so many ways to control what he drank - including a moderate drinking plan set by an alcohol counsellor, HE wanted to quit.
Because I believe we have a place to help and support (IF that is what's wanted by BOTH people) I didn't take the Al-Anon route, but finding other help was sketchy. We were VERY lucky to get 6 sessions with a well qualified addiction counsellor using an approach which meant we could work together - I am so eternally grateful for that. BUT when that counsellor moved hundreds of miles away we had very little.
What I did that really helped was:
Get counselling
Talk to friends
Talk to my doctor
Post on SR
Learn about alcohol addiction from a science base
KEEP MYSELF WELL.
I never had to put up with abuse, I was never faced with D choosing to just stay drunk - he was always trying something!! I did see right up close and personal the effects of mistakes, the hurdles, the effort, and eventually the successes.
I personally won't condemn a person for saying much of what your BF has, I think it is part of the process to switch from this drink to that, to try rules like not drinking inside, even to look for reasons for the lack of control - like maybe 'it's because I can't have a beer when I want that I go mad when I do'. Those are questions I think any person needs to answer for themselves before they can really KNOW what they have to do.
From the point of view of a loved one I remember so many tears, a sense of wishing it would stop, and a frustration in feeling as though he just didn't realise what I knew so well. The feelings were powerful and I needed help with them. I went for counselling, used SR and as things progressed went with my hubby to alcohol counselling.
It took things getting worse before they got better and they ONLY got better because D (my hubby) was very committed to not letting it win! After trying and failing at so many ways to control what he drank - including a moderate drinking plan set by an alcohol counsellor, HE wanted to quit.
Because I believe we have a place to help and support (IF that is what's wanted by BOTH people) I didn't take the Al-Anon route, but finding other help was sketchy. We were VERY lucky to get 6 sessions with a well qualified addiction counsellor using an approach which meant we could work together - I am so eternally grateful for that. BUT when that counsellor moved hundreds of miles away we had very little.
What I did that really helped was:
Get counselling
Talk to friends
Talk to my doctor
Post on SR
Learn about alcohol addiction from a science base
KEEP MYSELF WELL.
I never had to put up with abuse, I was never faced with D choosing to just stay drunk - he was always trying something!! I did see right up close and personal the effects of mistakes, the hurdles, the effort, and eventually the successes.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
