Snitzle1

I have written a few times about my boyfriend and his drinking. He finally hit rock bottom and has been sober for 30 days. He goes to meetings everyday. He has been seeing things more clearly. I have wanted this for so long until.... he decided he didn't want to be intimate or get married. He said he doesn't see us together. I have been the only stable thing in his life for 5 years. I feel I have done so much and he is just throwing me away. I thought when he got sober we would be happy. Instead he feels he needs to find himself and leave. I am soooo mad,confused,hurt,devistated,full of anger. I can't believe after everything I have done for him he can just walk away. Everyone keeps saying oh he just needs to clear his head and he will be back. I don't believe this and I feel like quiting. Everyday is like a roller coaster for me. I'm ok then crying all day. He isn't crying or being sad and I am devistated. I was told my my counselor that they say in AA you aren't supposed to do anything drastic for the first year. I guess I don't know why I am even writing except I feel like this has come out of left field. I feel like I was blindsided.
Any advice will be helpfull....

Gabe

I was the only stable thing in my alcoholic's life as well. He also left me to "find himself". Interestingly enough, he still hasn't found himself (he's currently in long term rehab)...but I have experienced a lot of spiritual growth since he left. I know what it's like to feel like you have been someone's stability, only to have them turn around and tell you that they don't need you anymore. I'm sorry that you're hurting so badly right now. Keep the faith and know that this too shall pass.
Peace,
Gabe

kate01

Hang in there!

Your post hit him because like Gabe, I've been through that too. I was the "sacrificing, responsible caretaker" waiting for him to sober up, but my A is still drinking. The feelings of abandonment, ingratitude and helplessness were overwhelming.

I say, "were," for a reason. You mentioned that you thought everything would get better as soon as HE got better. Like you, I had this focus on my A, with the idea that his recovery would inevitably help OUR recovery. I was wrong, and this was not in my higher power's plan for me. At least not right now.

When we worry and care for someone else so much, (like putting all your eggs in one basket), we give them power over our OWN life, dictating whether we'll be happy or sad, fulfilled or empty.

That's dangerous. From this experience (like your experience), I now have a new focus on ME, so that if my A gets better, great! If he does not, I am still choosing to be healthy while he remains unwell. Either way, I am choosing to be happy!

That way, your inner strength comes from inside you, NOT from hoping someone else will wake up and "see the light."

When I think of my A, I think of someone who's been drinking so long that his brain chemistry is altered. I know that he is not well, and I know that it is not my fault. Even if he had 30 days of sobriety under his belt, he would still not be able to see things "clearly."

But YOU can, so I hope you spend some time treating yourself well, and pampering yourself a little while you heal from this disappointment. You never know what good things are right around the corner!

Hugs to you,
kate