TomsGirl

I had a conversation with my AH today regarding my turning him in to his parole officer. I asked him if he was angry with me at the time I did it. He said yes, very angry. Oh well... He then told me that in one of his out patient sessions he told his story including how I had turned him in. He said about half the groups response was "dump her" and the other half called what I did "tough love". Hmmm I said, that's interesting, but you know, both groups were wrong.

First of all I've already dumped him. The addict part of him that is. That part of him will never be a part of my daily life nor reside in my home again. I had him (or it) taken away when I called the parole officer. I also chuckled at the "dump her" part too. I said sure, dump me and where does that leave you? I will still live here in my lovely home and I'll still have my decent life without the addict. The self-centerd addicts of course think my life would be hell without him. Life without an addict in it on a daily basis is bliss!!!!

As for the tough love part, well that just shows how addicts are so self centered again. Saying it was tough love insinuates that I did it for him. So wrong! I did it for me, and only me! If he benefits by it in any way then that's a bonus but concern or thoughts for him didn't even enter my mind when I called that parole officer. For all I knew they were going to ship him back off to jail and I didn't care. I just wanted that addict out of my home.

So many here say they just don't understand the addict, me included. But you know what? They don't get those of us who are finding our own recovery either. We are as much a mystery to them sometimes as they are to us. I know my AH still doesn't get it. He just can't grasp that these things I am doing are all for ME, not him. He just doesn't get that I most certainly can live the rest of my life without him in it if the addict in him stays active.

StandingStrong

TomsGirl, That was a truly beautiful post. I believe that it has a lot of truth in it - and I believe that this is another one of those examples of recovery that I should be learning from.
Thank you for posting this.

Live

Thank you! What insight and also I got a wonderful chuckle from it. I believe your insight applies to so many situations, not just addicts. It helped me with something right here and now.

Tally

I totally agree that they think everything is done for them....I'm trying not to enable for ME...I'm trying to detach for ME....I come here to read and find peace and solace for ME......

He once said "I don't know why you still go there, you've been going there for ages now and it hasn't done me any good, that place can't change me"

You gotta laugh ain't ya! Thanks for posting xxx

Zoey

LOL, Bet he was serious too??

dollydo

Toms girl,

You are so on the mark. I agree with everything you said.

Dolly

BSPGirl

Nice insights there.

Janitw

Great Post TG . I think that sooner or later the rest of us will have your same strength. As recovery continues so our strength returns to us. I have alot of respect for your strong convictions (no pun intended) and by enforcing them.

teke

thanks tomsgirl

i needed that post, thats why i come here so much lately, i woke up this morning feel guilty cause i had my h bond revolked and this post has really helped me to be a little releaved from that.

how do you do it and still seem so calm

reader

Hi TG, Thanks for the very insightful post. U said you don't understand alcoholics, I care to differ. When u said "selfish" alcoholics, I was thinking, yes u put my thoughts into words. I feel that drinkers and nondrinkers can fall into two catergories. Selfish and Non selfish ~ Unfortunately, I have too often seen people, only care about themselves. When I did foster and respite care, I saw the ravages of alcoholic families and others that were just clueless. I see things very black and white now, no shades of gray anymore! I was such an idealist in my youth, in the peace corp, I thought I could change the world, than I thought I could "help" and change families while doing respite care. Ya know what, the kids usally go back, the abuse continues and people can only change if they want to. Same applies to alcoholics. I admire u for holding your ground and sticking to your boundries, Oh isn't recovery just Grand!!! People mix up selfishness with recovery, No, I can be kind and strong at the same time. Ya have to be cruel to be kind sometimes. If his group calls it tough love, well so be it!! Keep up the great work. Kerry