StandingStrong

In my struggles to get better - I have worked through inner turmoil, have come up with some theories and answers as to why I am the way I am and why I have accepted the unacceptable. I have diligently worked through some of the steps which have brought me to a better place in my recovery.

However........

I have repeatedly come back to the fact that I am missing a very BIG step. And that BIG step is what I believe I am fully lacking in my capabilities to just let it go. I am not turning things over to my Higher Power. I am bucking at every turn in trying to handle this myself. (Which is really funny in a sick way as I turn to step one and read: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable. And realize that it is true.)
I believe that I have a few issues with the Higher Power theory. Due to some religious figures in my life and that of AH's life - there was a time I was a full believer and had faith and hope. A time that I was on my way to becoming more of an active child of God. But due to some things that happened in that course of time many years ago, I seemed to have shied away from that Higher Power. I seem to have rebelled against it. There have been times my Faith has been starting to rekindle, times that I felt that I was on my way to a better relationship with God. Times that I was doing better. And then I get it back in my head where I need to do things, which means that I don't "let go and let God".

Changing it a bit but.....
I admit I am powerless over alcohol—and other things as well - that my life has become unmanageable.
And now.............I need to wrestle within myself to do Step Two.

Pick-a-name

SS.........you are on a roll today and I appreciate your insight.

Denial, I think, makes it necessary to keep revisiting Step One, in regard to certain specifics. Let's face it..we are human and it is our nature to want to be in charge of everything....especially our lives. It WILL always be am ongoing challenge to let go and let God.

After trusting in loved ones whse addiction turns them into the least trustworthy of people to have trusted our hearts to, it is especially difficult to have the blind faith to truly do that. That is why I think it says "willing to believe"...I have found that first I often need to pray for the faith to believe so that I am able to let go and let God. It does not come naturally, even though we may want to do it. JMHO

Thanks for this thread.

fartheralong

You know, SS, I was the same way, and still struggle with it. I was raised in a religious home. I've rarely heard my father curse (my mom is a different story), but everyone in my family was and is very religious. After the last few years of living with AH, my faith dwindled. I didn't want to go to church, didn't care if my kids went, questioned everything. And though I read and 'knew' I needed to turn things over, even at times thought I 'had' in the last several months (really since January)...I found i hadn't.

But then I started to pray. Really pray like I used to, and several things happened. Events, and I don't know, my denial started to be 'shown' to me. I don't know how to describe it. It just is. And I'm so much more at peace knowing I'm doing the right thing even though it hurts and is scary, but I'm doing it. I was thinking of this yesterday in fact. How I'd 'come back to my roots'. And it was peaceful here. So I'm not gonna question it (I do that WAY too much ) I'm just going to know that God (or my HP) is helping me and I can trust in that and knowing my very large family is keeping us in their prayers. *shrugs* It's working for me right now, anyway. That and I'm trying really hard not to focus so much on the past, but what I need to do to reach the goal of providing a more peaceful and stable home for myself and my boys.

Peace & serenity to you,
fa

Pick-a-name

fa......I have recently started the same thing..and am seeing the same results.
Thanks for the encouragement....I can hear the calmness in your post,btw.

laurie6781

SS boy do I understand where you are at.

I had so much trouble with this, that my sponsor decided to give me something physical to do in conjuction with the "Let Go and Let God." So......she had me take a big brown grocery bag. On it in magic marker she said write "God's Bag." Well, since I was using a Harley Davidson as my Higher Power that first year I wrote "Harley's Bag."

Now everytime I had something that I just couldn't let go of, I was to write it on a SMALL piece of paper and then fold it up even smaller and put it in the bag. Well after a few days there were already 20 or so little folded up pieces of paper.

Then she said, if you want to take something bag, you have to physically go into the bag, find the right one, remember to refold the one's that are not the right one, and take the right one out.

Now I know this sounds silly, but by the time I had so many little slips of paper, folded even smaller, in there, it just literally became TOO MUCH TROUBLE, and would take TOO MUCH TIME to find it, so I got to the point I would say, "ok you can stay there for a while yet."

I can tell you it worked great for this alkie. I have a "Great Spirit Box" to this day. Do not have to use it much, but I have it, and it's a 'beautiful box' hand carved that I found at a yard sale about 10 years ago. It has a prominent spot on my dresser, a daily reminder to 'Let Go and Let HP do it."

Hope that helps a bit.

JMHO

Love and (((((to all))))),

Pick-a-name

Laurie......thanks...I like that.

Sounds like I might need to get a box for myself.

teke

standing strong

thank you for this post, today i have been feeling kind of down and you reminded me that i need to turn this over to god and yes it is hard to do at times.

some one told me that when i let go, i have to find a way to not think about the thing that i find myself holding on to. what i do, say the serenity prayer if i can't think of nothing else until the depressing thoughts go away. i was told that i can't let it go and keep it at the same time, and i sometimes have to do this several times repeatedly.

i commited my life to the care of god, in doing that, i believe that he is all powerful, all knowing and everwhere all the time. this means to me that he knows how i am feeling and why, that he can see what the future holds and i can't, when we pray, i believe god hears and answers yes and amen or not now. there is a reason for everything that happens in life and i believe that god knew how my life would turn out even before i was conceived, he already has a plan.

i don't always follow the gods designed plan cause i am human and god knew that i would sometimes stray, he is such a loving god until he won't allow us to stray so far away that he can't reach us, turn us in the right direction, but sometimes he allows the trials of life to be his method of turning us.

he has a better plan for each of us than we can ever think or imagine but sometimes, we think that we know whats best for our selves and some times, like we do our kids our addicts too, we let them figure out things for themselves and is there waiting when they come to their senses.

i have to keep reminding myself that god loves me more than i know how to love my own kids. he is the only dad that i have ever know and when i remember this, even though life still hurts sometimes, i know that god still wants my life to be good and will turn things around for me someday so that i can see just how good he meant for it to be.

thanks for letting me rattle this off and i hope it makes sense to you. if not, i'll keep trying.

Pick-a-name

Beautifully said,teke.......thank you. I agree with everything you said...thank you for the reminder. I am going to print this out to re-read when I feel like I'm off in the ditch..again!

robina

Just a few thoughts -
One of the reasons I love the 12 step "higher power" is that my HP is not necessarily the bearded white man in the sky whom I was taught to fear when I was a child. The AA and Al-anon materials make it very clear that your HP is the God of your own choosing. I think that is a wonderful idea and it works for me.

I no longer consider myself to be Catholic - I have practiced and studied many different spiritual paths. Currently, I pray every day to my higher power, and it has brought peace into my days.

There is a difference between institutional religion and true spirituality. I believe that many people who have been hurt and harmed by insitutional religions, could find peace by opening their hearts to a wider idea of God. God can be found everywhere, not just inside a church on Sundays.

Robin

PS - I love the idea of the God Box or God bag. It gives a hands on, practical way to "let go and let God" - it's something I really need to start practicing.

reader

Great thoughts Gals, Robin u are so right God can't be found within four walls, he/she is everywhere. I work on a close personal relationship with the Lord, the bible show us the true direction in the word of Christ not a "church" head. The true sign of peace is when the lamb lies down with the lion. I will not follow along blindly to a church like a lamb to the slaughter. Independant thought is my motto. I guess that is why I am a "church hopper", I hope to find a perfect fit soon!!! OK, I will get off the sunday soapbox.~~ Kerry Hurt by organized religion, I guess so, I was a catholic school girl, who politely asked "why" in religion class, I was hit on the knuckles with a ruler. Hurt is an understatement, scared yea.

StandingStrong

Perhaps I forget the part about "as we understand him". I have always felt that ones relationship with their Higher Power or God of choice is a very personal relationship. Of course though you have those that feel their interpretation is the correct and only one. I need to forget what I've been told - and reach out to what I believe.
Having religious people and pastors in our combined family have also altered and somewhat tarnished my view of religious people unfortunately. The word Hypocrite come to mind often when thinking of these people.
However - it's not really about them or their thoughts. It's my choice - my Higher Power - and my relationship with God that matters.
Opening up to the idea - but know that I have a lot of work to do in this area.
Thank you all for your posts, I found them to be enlightening.