StandingStrong

Head Committee Members that chair the meeting.

Mr. Logical - This member is out of denial and trying to do something constructive. He sees it as it is. He can quote the rules, tell you how it is, and remind you of the reasons. The approach is very logical, very matter-of-fact.

Miss. Emotional - Miss Emotional is the member that wants to believe that there is always hope. Miss Emotional feels the pain, the hurt, the anger, and the desire to make things better. Miss Emotional is fully supported in her way of thinking by another member we'll call "Hope". Miss Emotional is also supported by another member known as "Guilt". These three are very active board members with Miss Emotional being the leader of them all.

Another very active member is Ms. Fix It. Ms. Fix It is the go-between between Mr. Logical and Miss Emotional. Ms. Fix It will evaluate each of the members sides of the situations and then she will try to find a way to fix it. Here's an example - Mr. Logical points out how AH has hurt someone, like one of the children for example. Miss Emotional will then feel badly for the child and wish that AH would do this or that - but knows that she can't control Ah - but wants to make it better for the said child. After each plead their case to the committee - Ms. Fix It says "okay, I will let said child vent her/his feelings. I will talk to Ah about said situation. I will then give opinions if asked by AH on what to do. This, in turn, will make the situation better for said child and maybe even AH. (Okay, that was just an example - as I could have chosen a number of them)

Now...enters the members that are late to the meeting. They are always late, but are also active members in their aggressive behaviour. These members include "Disappointment", "Anger", and "Frustration". These are the members that get upset, voice their opinions, act out and cause a scene. These are the members that want the right thing to happen and actively show their passion when it does not go as it rightfully should. In said example - they are the ones that are acting out on the pain and hurt of said child and the parent that tried to make it better.

Now, in the meeting - we presently have Mr. Logical pointing out the reality of the situation. We have Miss Emotional who is the feeling person and we have Fix It who wavers between trying to do the right thing but not always sure what the right thing is - and then we have the Aggressive Crew that is now upset that the members plans have not worked.

The Aggressive Crew now sends in their "clean up crew". These are the people that creep in late at night and take out the person that bungled the job (as you've probably seen in movies known as "sweepers") They move in to clean up the mess. However - their way of doing this is to become angry at the Main Character (myself) as well as the wrong-doer (AH). So while they secretly join the Main Character in the board room and beat her up emotionally - they also send Main Character to AH to tell him like it is, etc. Hence, punishing Ah for not doing the right thing - hindering Main Character in her growth - and only causing more havoc amid the situation.

Then all is calm....................................until the next board meeting.

Mr. Logical is planning ahead for the next board meeting. He knows the steps, he knows the lessons that people have tried and survived on from experiences, etc. He plans that he will see the logical side of any event, that he will remain aloof to the point of not allowing Miss Emotional to attend the board meeting. Which in turn, will keep Ms. Fix It from appearing as Mr. Logical knows that these other members need to just let it be. But when that next thing happens - and someone is hurting, angry, frustrated, etc - what is Mr. logical to do? He doesn't know how to fully seperate from Miss Emotional in the board room of Main Character. Hmmm....interesting twist there as it appears that Mr. Logical and Miss Emotional are almost in an enmeshed relationship, just like Main Character and AH. How does one allow the children to hurt and not do anything? How does one not have some hope that Ah will make things right with the children? How is it that one lets go of all hopes and dreams that have been a life long wish - how is it that we let go?

Okay - so let's say we cancel the board meeting. Hmm......now, does this mean that the children are simply overlooked as we continue to go on and not deal with their hurt? Does this mean that we walk away from the sometimes toxic AH? And how do we tell the difference between the Jekyll/Hyde that Ah displays? How do we protect our children? Or do we not protect them or the Main Character as we simply just "let it go"?

Mr. Logical and Miss Emtional and Ms. Fix It need new roles in the board meetings - however, I am having a hard time figuring out what their new roles are or should be.

Pick-a-name

SS..................where is chapter 2????????? Wonderful!

I need to fire my board members. but so far no one new has agreed to serve on the new board. I'm still looking!

Thanks for this.helped me clarify the static in my mind. I'm going to print this out and re-read it a few times. Maybe when I can recognize the voice of "who" is speaking, I can have a better idea as to what I do with the information they are telling me and that should help me a LOT!
(Now I DO sound certifiable.......voices and all..but it really helps me understand all the confusion I can sometimes feel!)

Zoey

Very good, I do have to reread slower.

DesertEyes

Wow SS, awesome post. I love how you give names to all the roles in the "commitee". I can so identify with your post.

The way I answer those questions is to start with Tradition 2 of Al-Anon. I was raised in a "toxic family" where everybody attacked everybody else. My "commitee" is just a reflection of the roles I learned from the adults in my biological family. I apply Tradition 2 in my "internal commitee". As long as all the "members of the board" try to take control there will be chaos. When I focus all the "members" on the common goal of finding the best answers for my needs then I can exist in harmony with myself. That means I have to identify the "un-healthy" objectives of my "board members" and find healthy ways of meeting those goals.

As far as the children, I do not allow them to get hurt. I do the best i can in my own situation to protect the little ones. Sometimes that means causing them a small harm in order to protect them from a greater one. In my case I insured that my abusive biological father never came in contact with my daughter. That harmed her in that she has no family roots on my side of the family, but it protected her from a much greater harm.

Hope? Sure I have hope that my "A" will someday seek recovery. But hope is a feeling, not an action. So while I hope I also take action and separated from her and her harmful behavior.

Dreams and life long wishes? I have not let go of those. I just "turned off" the denial and admited that my ex-wife was no longer the one with whom to have those dreams and wishes. I still have the same dreams and wishes, I just have to find somebody healthier to have them with.

I dunno about your commitee. In my commitee all the members have learned to work together. My Mr. Logical tries to _avoid_ pain by makking plans that will prevent it. I have to find friends whom I can share with and "vent" my pain in order to reduce it. That way the pain is not so overwhelming and my Mr. Logical can make plans that include some pain. My Miss Emotional is also trying to avoid pain, but she does it by running away from it. This objective runs counter to Mr. Logical who wants to move forward, so they never agree. However, by having an outlet for pain thru friends and fellowship I can have Miss Emotional be less frightened, and willing to work _with_ Mr. Logical in order to find a plan that _reduces_ the pain as much as possible.

I kept all the roles of my "board members". I changed their _objectives_ by changing my actions in life. Instead of isolating and avoiding people I reached out and learned how to make friends and share in a fellowship. That is my way of practicing Tradition 2 in my own life, of replaing the "toxic role models" of my childhood with healthy ones.

Mike

Pick-a-name

Thanks,Mike. That is helpful to me,too!

StandingStrong

Pick-A-Name, I am not ready to fire any of my committee members yet. May sound a little odd, but I need to find out WHY and HOW they got in the committee to begin with - then I can start approaching them to terminate thier residence.

Mike, I like your approach. I've read and re-read your reply a few times and will continue to keep reading it. I feel there is something there that is just slightly escaping something that is supposed to "click" with me. Will continue to read it and hopefully it will come to the surface.

If you've been reading my newer posts, I have decided to ADD 2 new members and an item to my committee. See if I can get them in there and working!

Adding:

Ms. Positive - to keep me on the path of being more positive and getting rid of that big Mr. Negative that I had overlooked at the last look at my members.

Spiritual Guide - to lead me to re-connecting me to my Higher Power.

And adding to the middle of the table they meet at - a "God Box" for Spiritual Guide and Worry Worrisome to put my troubles in.

(Also thinking of making a God Box to keep in my room to write my issues on that I wish to turn over and "let go and let God" deal with. I'll put it with my notebook that I keep in there that I keep notes in about recovery and letters I write to AH that I never give him. I've also added in my notebook the committee members that I have identified thus far that I've mentioned in this thread. One box of complete "recovery tools")