What we do for love...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
What we do for love...
Just when I thought I had reached some real clarity on the work front, relationship front....yikes.
K played basketball last night and suffered what looks like a torn/ruptured achilles tendon. I just got back from the hospital after he was finally given a prelim exam and they're pretty sure that's what it is. It's going to be another several hours to see the ortho surgeon so K sent me home (sitting for long periods is painful with my back) -- and I'm returning later on.
So here's the thing -- we're here in Canada, Ken's from the U.S., has no medical insurance, and this is most likely going to require surgery. He doesn't have savings, I don't know what kind of cost is involved, and I will use my home line of credit to cover this which will then roll into my mortgage. At least I have this option.
He feels like s**t -- lots of shame, and lots of self-recriminations about whether he should have seen this coming, he didn't have to play, he didn't take better care ahead of time, etc.
I'm not freaking or anything and I know this is a lot harder on him than me. But I hate the dual feelings I have. On the one hand, there's no question I will cover this and I immediately go into doing whatever I can to reassure him and be there for him. I know he would do the same, and has paid for lots for me. On the other hand, I have been so taken advantage of before by men and endured a lot of financial loss in the past, and it's hooking all those triggers big time.
Could have used one less thing on the plate.
oh well
gf
K played basketball last night and suffered what looks like a torn/ruptured achilles tendon. I just got back from the hospital after he was finally given a prelim exam and they're pretty sure that's what it is. It's going to be another several hours to see the ortho surgeon so K sent me home (sitting for long periods is painful with my back) -- and I'm returning later on.
So here's the thing -- we're here in Canada, Ken's from the U.S., has no medical insurance, and this is most likely going to require surgery. He doesn't have savings, I don't know what kind of cost is involved, and I will use my home line of credit to cover this which will then roll into my mortgage. At least I have this option.
He feels like s**t -- lots of shame, and lots of self-recriminations about whether he should have seen this coming, he didn't have to play, he didn't take better care ahead of time, etc.
I'm not freaking or anything and I know this is a lot harder on him than me. But I hate the dual feelings I have. On the one hand, there's no question I will cover this and I immediately go into doing whatever I can to reassure him and be there for him. I know he would do the same, and has paid for lots for me. On the other hand, I have been so taken advantage of before by men and endured a lot of financial loss in the past, and it's hooking all those triggers big time.
Could have used one less thing on the plate.
oh well
gf
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
I hear you GF..tough times...you being injured him getting injured..
life always has something for us when we don't want it...
one more thing to learn to deal with!! I'm still learning as I go...
hang in there..
remember there will be good times ahead..it's just slogging through this stuff to get to them.
life always has something for us when we don't want it...
one more thing to learn to deal with!! I'm still learning as I go...
hang in there..
remember there will be good times ahead..it's just slogging through this stuff to get to them.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there GF
Leseee... you guys are working on a long term relationship, right? You both have a good understanding of each others emotional needs, right? At some point in the future you both want to have some kind of formal commitment to this relationship, right? And he's feeling guilty about using your money to pay for his injury, right?
He doesn't have savings. Ok. Does he have credit cards? He could pay you out of his credit cards. Does he have a job? He can get a loan from his employer. Does he have a car? He can get a loan against his car. He has none of the above? He can sign loan papers at your local bank saying he will pay you x amount every month. You could be nice about it and not charge him interest.
Then again he could just accept the debt from the hospital and make arrangements directly with them to pay them a few bucks a month until it's paid in full.
And while he's doing that he can see about getting himself proper insurance too.
One of the traditions of all the programs of recovery is that we are self-supporting thru our own contributions. Being financially independent is good for _us_ in that we develop confidence and independence as a restult. Paying for another's passage thru life is what we do for our children, until they're old enough to pay rent.
How would he take care of this debt if you were not in his life? That is how he should take care of the debt when you _are_ in his life. Having a financial debt between partners changes the relationship from equals to banker -> customer.
Mike
Leseee... you guys are working on a long term relationship, right? You both have a good understanding of each others emotional needs, right? At some point in the future you both want to have some kind of formal commitment to this relationship, right? And he's feeling guilty about using your money to pay for his injury, right?
He doesn't have savings. Ok. Does he have credit cards? He could pay you out of his credit cards. Does he have a job? He can get a loan from his employer. Does he have a car? He can get a loan against his car. He has none of the above? He can sign loan papers at your local bank saying he will pay you x amount every month. You could be nice about it and not charge him interest.
Then again he could just accept the debt from the hospital and make arrangements directly with them to pay them a few bucks a month until it's paid in full.
And while he's doing that he can see about getting himself proper insurance too.
One of the traditions of all the programs of recovery is that we are self-supporting thru our own contributions. Being financially independent is good for _us_ in that we develop confidence and independence as a restult. Paying for another's passage thru life is what we do for our children, until they're old enough to pay rent.
How would he take care of this debt if you were not in his life? That is how he should take care of the debt when you _are_ in his life. Having a financial debt between partners changes the relationship from equals to banker -> customer.
Mike
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Mike, I have to say I agree. Although I am biased, given that I have had my financial fingers burned and am still going through the process of getting my money back. I too thought I was the first port of call, because I had the access to money. Never again. Last port of call now, always. Not my job to rescue.
GF - sorry to hear this has happened. Look after yourself, hon.
GF - sorry to hear this has happened. Look after yourself, hon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
What a relief! The first person who examined K was wrong. The tendon is torn but not totally separated. As such, the doctor is trying conservative treatment first and is hopeful that surgery won't be necessary (although he can't rule it out completely.) So he's home now with a cast and has to be off the leg for the next 2 weeks. It means a lot less stress both in terms of recovery time and finances.
As to finances -- Mike & Minnie, I know what you're saying has a lot of merit. I can't bring myself to go the route of a formal loan agreement. A lot of this is because when he was working up to 2 months ago, and making a very good income, he freely contributed and put a LOT of money into both the household and us. It feels parsimonious to take this route and a double-standard. The thing is money has gone both ways.
And Mike, I completely understand what you mean about self-sufficiency and its role in recovery. Both K and I have histories of not being terribly good with money and finances. Typical adult children stuff. It is something very much on the radar.
Upwards and onwards....
As to finances -- Mike & Minnie, I know what you're saying has a lot of merit. I can't bring myself to go the route of a formal loan agreement. A lot of this is because when he was working up to 2 months ago, and making a very good income, he freely contributed and put a LOT of money into both the household and us. It feels parsimonious to take this route and a double-standard. The thing is money has gone both ways.
And Mike, I completely understand what you mean about self-sufficiency and its role in recovery. Both K and I have histories of not being terribly good with money and finances. Typical adult children stuff. It is something very much on the radar.
Upwards and onwards....
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Glad to hear that he is better than originally thought. I understand about the money thing all too well. Just please do not feel obligated to ever put yourself in a total bind GF. It is OK to think of yourself even if the money has gone both ways.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey GF, I'm glad you guys are moving forward and doing good. Whatever works for you is ok with me 
Here's what wifey and I did about money that worked for us.
We both had "erratic" carreers in that we made a lot of money when we worked, but we also got laid off often. We each kept separate accounts, savings checking, and so on. We used a simple spreadsheet and split all common expenses based on the percentage of our income. Some years she made more than I did, others not. If one of us made 80% of the combined income then that one paid 80% of the shared expenses: rent, utilities, insurance, etc. We also kept track of our long term investments that way. She used her own money for anything she wanted, and I used mine for my stuff.
Basically we treated our finances as if it were a business partnership.
After 20yrs it came out pretty much even. Along the way we not ever had a disagreement about finances. Not a one.
Mike
Here's what wifey and I did about money that worked for us.
We both had "erratic" carreers in that we made a lot of money when we worked, but we also got laid off often. We each kept separate accounts, savings checking, and so on. We used a simple spreadsheet and split all common expenses based on the percentage of our income. Some years she made more than I did, others not. If one of us made 80% of the combined income then that one paid 80% of the shared expenses: rent, utilities, insurance, etc. We also kept track of our long term investments that way. She used her own money for anything she wanted, and I used mine for my stuff.
Basically we treated our finances as if it were a business partnership.
After 20yrs it came out pretty much even. Along the way we not ever had a disagreement about finances. Not a one.
Mike
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
Thanks Mega.
Mike -- wow. I can see now why I may have gotten s***wed over time and again financially in the past! Sigh.
I want to think through what you've written more before giving a quick response and i don't have much time this morning.
Definitely food for thought. thanks.
gf
Mike -- wow. I can see now why I may have gotten s***wed over time and again financially in the past! Sigh.
I want to think through what you've written more before giving a quick response and i don't have much time this morning.
Definitely food for thought. thanks.
gf
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