Locked out
 

Hi,
I did something I have never done before in our 27 year marriage. I installed locks on our bedroom doors the other night after my AH went on his latest binge. He didn't notice the locks I guess because he didn't mention them. I can't stand sleeping with a drunk and being in the same bed feels like I'm being violated even if there is no physical contact.

Last night, after he woke up and left our bedroom to get something to eat, I moved in. Put on clean sheets, and locked myself in and went to sleep. I felt fear when I heard his footsteps coming toward the bedroom. I really didn't want it to turn into a scene, or for him to break the lock. Something he could easily do as my locksmith skills leave something to be desired. When he found the door locked, I hollered out--this is my bedroom tonight, please leave me alone. After muttering to himself, he left and slept on the couch--no scene. I took a deep breath and went back to sleep.
It made me realize I have no serentity or sense of security in my own home and it took locking him out to let me breath easy for a night. I slept great!

I'm trying to find a way to have a place to go when he binges. I can't physically leave the farm as I have animals to care for. And frankly, even if I could, I don't have anyone or anywhere I could go temporarily unless I stayed in a hotel. I have even thought of pitching a tent and going camping in my back 40--is this insane or what!!!

Oh my goodness, he should be the one sleeping in the tent if he is drunk, not you. Seriously.

Anyway, you set a fantastic boundary when you installed the lock. Good for you!

Fabulous!
If you cant sleep, you cant really function...good for you!!
Im glad there was no drama!

Yes, he should be the one in the tent, but trying to convince a 220 drunk to go on a camping trip aint easy.

He should be in the tent, but there is nothing more peaceful than a night camp fire and a starry sky. Think of it as therapy.

Glad you finally got a peaceful night's sleep and hopefully he will be able to understand that from now on-- those locks are there to stay!! No drama is wonderful.

What a boundary! Awesome!! Good for you!

hi

i can relate to sleeping in the same bed and feeling violated, before my ah left, we went through the same motion.

i agree that maybe he should be the one in the tent but like mal, sleeping under the stars sound real cool too.

you and yours are in my prayers

I know the smell all too good. Right through the skin hey? I too have done that same thing but he violated the door with all the screaming and yelling and he got in anyhow and came after me and hit me with pillow.
Actually last night I went to the couch... gagging on the smell and he grabbed his pillow and laid next to me on the floor saying "I am sleeping with my wife, even if it has to be this way.... so a loose, loose situation for me.
needless to say I'm exausted at work today.... xo

I finally learned that sleeping on the couch - either Mr. Big OR Me is not a contest. It is a necessary condition if either of us is angry...

I can NOT sleep with him when he (or me, maybe?) is being a jerk. But we both desperately NEED our sleep in order to function. So... one of us sleeps on the couch. And have done that so often that is has lost some of the "punishment" feeling. Some nights, I actually LIKE not sleeping next to someone with whom I am SOOO angry... it is a relief to go out to a quiet living room and sleep soundly.

In fact, during a recent furniture purchase, we were both able to joke that we needed a sofa deep enough to sleep on comfortably.

I am glad you got the locks. I am glad he respected the boundary. I hope you can feel ok about doing this - it seems to be a solution that will work for you.

((((lizzy))))

Karen -

Have you considered going to a motel? I did that a couple of times ... AND I used Mr. Big's credit card to pay for it. Hmmm... I doubt my sponsor would approve of the second half of that idea - but it helped me to feel like I wasn't being punished just for setting a boundary that allowed ME to get a good night's sleep.

((((Karen))))

Ex and I slept in separate bedrooms alot and towards the end, all the time...it really helped me. It was difficult for me to stay in the same bed with someone whose actions I felt were repulsive and offensive.

Hope you are sleeping better Lizzy...and about the camping..you could take all his liquor out into the woons and put up a tent..wonder if hed come back in or just sleep out there...

Oops...Im buttoning up now!

BIG SIS:

considered a motel but I am stuborn... why should I leave and then have to quickly pack for work the next day and let him have the comforts of home. I could also go to my sis' house. I almost did that but I'm the one where my AH stands in front of the door or lays on the floor to prevent me from leaving.
Too much fighting and challanging when your soooo tired and exausted ate 11pm... so I suck it up and nap my lunches away at work...
An enabler still am I?
karen

An enabler still am I?

A prisoner still you am.......

I know all to well about the sleeping part. The good thing for me is my bedroom door knob is old and needs replacing but I WONT do it for one reason. See, when you close the door tight its tricky to open. You have to pull and turn at just the right angle to get it open. I have NO problem doing this but with liquor in him he does...LOL
He yells from the other side UNLOCK the door... When hes sober he knows there is NO lock on that door.
Jezzz I hate those nights

I learned long ago that the couch is the most comfortable place to sleep in our house. The added benefit of not having to deal with the smell and the snoring of my drunken AH is just a bonus. The trick is getting him to go to bed so I can enjoy my privacy.

Such planning, arranging and trickery!!!!!
Why does anyone want to go through this night after night?