Guess What?

Old 06-15-2006, 09:13 PM
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thanks pick a name

i have a lot of trouble swiriling around, but i will do all i know how to do to not let this stuff worry me. with 5 adult kids, i refuse to try to control,manipulate,or get into their business. if they ask me, all that i can do is try to direct them the best i know how, other than that, they have to figure things out for themselves.

my mom raised 6 kids alone, my dad past at an early age and i am the oldest, she have a saying "if you make you bed hard, you lay in it" and i adopted it for my kids.

their choices are their choices, when they make mistakes as people do, their taught like i was to find a way to deal with them, and to let me be your last resort.

i feel like i've done the best i know how with what i had and knew in raising my kid and once grown, they are grown. i too still have minors to deal with and i don't have the time or energy or want to take on their junk.

when it comes to the children and the elderly, thats a different story, and it does not matter who they are. these kids just happened to be my grands.

does this make any sense?

maybe this is why i have internalized so much over the yrs and i know that this is not good for me. so i thought that i would at least try to get some of this stuff out.
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Old 06-15-2006, 11:55 PM
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teke,

I can only share my experience and thoughts. My newborn granddaughter was in an abusive situation with my son. I arranged a safe place for his girlfriend and bought her a ticket out of state so she could take my granddaughter to her mothers and live there away from my son. Calling CPS would have been a last resort and fortunately the plan we had turned out well. The only down side is I've never seen my granddaughter since that time. It took me some time to make that decision because I was putting pieces of a puzzle together too. I lived in a different state and didn't have first hand information. I finally got enough information to come up with a plan.

If I've read your post right it sounds like you have the kids now and can take some time to explore your options. I know that there are lots of support groups for grandparents. Maybe you can find some local resources and support to work this through and come up with a good solution.

I'll keep you all in my prayers.

Hugs,
MG
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Old 06-16-2006, 05:06 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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update

thank you morning glory

yes you did read the post this way

i did finally get to see my gk amd ,d. my gut feel is that she is using something but as you know, first she has to admit that she has a problem before i can or anybody can even try to help or before she will seek help.

i made sure that the kids were ok, they play awhile and she went to the hospital, complaining about some illness that didn't make much sense to me or the h. she has diabetes i think and i don't know what yesterday was about, anyway, she called her h to pick her up from the hospital and i got to talk a little more to him,

not that it mattered, she tried to blame her husband for her behavior lately and then while he was around, she sound like she was trying to blame me, the way she was raised. if it was the husband, why would she call him to pick her up and then go on back home with him. that don't sound like danger to me.

she talked the paremedics into take her to the hospital when all of her signs were ok.
saying she had took some old penisilin, something about her potassium being low and how she could not sleep. told me that she needed to sleep for 3 days. anyway, nothing that she was saying or doing still makes no sense and you can't make sense out of nonsense.

the kids looked fine to me and i talked to my gd and made sure that she would call me if she needed me. i think for now, i have done all that i could, anything else, i will have to cross that bridge if or when i get there.

i am tring so hard to make sense in writing these post, please bare with me, i can't start holding this junk inside anymore, for fear that nobody will understand. that feels just as bad as the issue itself. somehow i have to find a way to talk about it.

thank you again

she is still irrational and acting out of the norm but they took the children with them and that was fine. with all the rumors going around,i needed to make sure that the kids were ok, for my preace.

in talking to my sil, all i could do was to offer help with the kids if he needed me and i tried to explain the desease concept of addiction and what addicts do and what about it that he could do, which is not very much.

then i made all of the suggestions that you all have suggested to me and let him know that if he needed me that i would do what i could. i talked to him this morning and my d did go home last night and he went on to work this morning.

i have been through this enough to know that there is nothing that i can do, nothing much that i want to do. the kids are my major concern and i pray that my sil will seek out info and i offered alanon,na anon, and do the best that he can to stay out of trouble in tring to fix this. he can't fix her problem and neither can i, she has to work on her own problem.
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Old 06-16-2006, 11:55 AM
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I know a lot of addicts will go to the hospital and fake pain to get a script for Vicodin. I'm not sure if that's what she is doing. I think at this point you could just focus on her behavior and not try to guess what's causing it. It is what it is and the kids need to be protected. I think this would be a good time for you and your sil to sit down and make a plan of how to handle the kid's safety.

It's easy for us to slip into denial in a situation like this. Denial can be an unconscious coping method. We get hit with some truth and then let it slide until we are hit with it again.

Here are the facts as I see them from your posts.

The children called saying that they are hungry.
They called looking for their mom after days of being left.
Your granddaughter called from school looking for somebody to pick her up from the school after her mom was an hour late.
Your daughter is taking your grandchildren into areas that are so dangerous it's not even safe for your sil to go there.
They are being left with strangers in that area which puts their life in danger and leaves them vulnerable to sexual abuse and all kinds of danger.

These facts lead me to think that the kids are in an emergency situation and need emergency intervention. The kids are dependent and rely on adults to protect them. If no one steps in to protect them they are defenseless and at the mercy of predators and abuse. It would seem to me that having them placed in that situation even one more time would not be acceptable.

This is when an emergency plan needs to be put into place now before something horrible happens to the kids. It doesn't sound like your daughter can safely care for her children right now. I will only use CPS as a last resort, but this situation is looking like it might fit into that category unless you and your sil can come up with an immediate plan to prevent this from happening again without CPS.

I'm writing this post as if I were in your situation and this is how I would process the information. I know how hard it is and know how stressful it is.

Hugs,
MG
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Old 06-16-2006, 01:21 PM
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okay thanks

the time that they called saying that they were hungrey and was looking for their mom, they were at a family's members house (which is fine), but i don't know if they just wanted for her to come get them. this is the reason for my saying that it was hard for me to keep them cause she does not come back when she say.
this is kind of a norm for her anyway. but to me, the fact that she might not come back as promised is not acceptable to me. so i don't keep them as much as try to encourage the others not to as much. she has to be responsible for her own kids, i had to do that with them.

true, the area is a drug area now but haven't always been and they grew up in a neighboring area and went to school with a lot of those people. the area is much worse now and a lot of those kids are now adults and still live there.

the police station has moved into the complex and patrol very often, but still this is no place for m d let alone the kids.

its no more unsafe for the h, but i was concern about her causing a scene with him if he came looking for them which could have made a bad situation worse, so i suggested that he did not go cause i was not sure of his or her reactions toward each other. after all, she had been gone a couple of days.

i talked to my sil and made it clear that he needed help to call and then we would have to figure out what to do next.

we still don't know for sure whats going on and i had not thought about this going to the doctor to get pills stuff. thanks for reminding me.

yesterday even though she acted irrational, and i could not understand why she was destined to go to the emergency room even though the paremedics did not see a need, the kids seemed okay and i talked to them about calling me too if they needed me. my sil has always done very well when it comes to taking care of the kids and now he may understand a little more after our talk. he's more aware now i am sure.

today i do feel better and i pray they don't expect for me to get worked up concerning my d on a daily basis. her junk is her junk as long as she don't pull the kids into it.

god, i hope this make sense
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Old 06-16-2006, 02:11 PM
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teke..........yes, it makes sense.

Glad you got to see and talk to d,gk, and sil. Sounds at the very least, your daughter has "issues" but I am glad to see they are old enough to call themselves if they have a problem and that their father is able to take care of them. Since school will be out soon,will that be a help or more problems for them....just curious.

Hope today is a quieter one for you and you and sil can get backup plans arranged so you don't have to worry about the gk.

Keeping you all in my prayers!

p.s. Post as little or as much as you want........glad it helps!!! We all care about you and are always hear to listen and maybe even help!
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Old 06-16-2006, 02:26 PM
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You're the one that's there and can see the situation better than I can. I know I've found myself in a situation where my daughter gets highly upset because she thinks I'm in a lot of danger with my son. It's good that she keeps reminding me of that because it keeps me from slipping into denial, but at the same time I'm the one that's actually involved and can see where he is emotionally.

I've been in a terrible crisis 3 times on this forum and the way I handle it is to get all the opinions I can and compare it to what's actually happening in my life and use what I can to move forward. It's not easy to explain a situation when you can only write it down. I have a hard time expressing myself. I go into fight or flight mode and can't think or write clearly.

I've made some friends here that know me well and a few of them hit me with the skillet this week and it's exactly what I needed to find my tools again. There are other times when I can see they are right, but I'm not able to move forward with it yet. I've learned that I can take what I want and leave the rest. I use the information I receive to increase my awareness, acceptance, and actions. I am always in one of these areas in my recovery. I lose my balance sometimes.

Hugs,
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Old 06-16-2006, 02:29 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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pick a name, you have been so kind to me in this, thanks for being patient, at first i thought that i was just so confusing on this issue until maybe i should not post, but that's what i've always done. i know that if i want change, i have to make a change so i decided that i had to keep tring if i wanted to get better and i do and i know that i am, however little.

about the kid being out of school, they already are, my gd is in summer school, i don't know yet, but my sil really does do good with the kid and so does my d normally. the kids called today but they were okay so far, they are with my d at her nail shop, waiting for my sil to pick them up.

i will help if i HAVE and only then, they know that so until my sil lets me know that there is that kind of a need then i guess they are handling it.

i trust my mil to contact me if necessary and not just to be asking. like i said, somethings they are gonna have to figure out for themselves. i am not on standby and will not live my life on standby, but i am here if need be.

thanks for caring

so does this make sense
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Old 06-16-2006, 02:45 PM
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morning glory:
thank you

i know that i must have sounded upset, and i was, but at myself mostly cause i just could not seem to write down what i was trying to say. so because i was confusing, i feel as if i got confused responses. the more i tried to fix it, the more confusing it sounded.

a skillet would be welcomed if i knew that the facts were understood, i know that i am not gonna always hear what i want but what i need. that is one thing that drew me to recovery.
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Old 06-16-2006, 03:11 PM
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haha teke...yes, it DOES make sense!

Glad to sound like things have settled down and I understand what you are saying......that sounds sensible.

You sound to me like you are doing great, so whatever you are doing...keep it up! Hope you can enjoy a nice QUIET! weekend!
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Old 06-16-2006, 03:16 PM
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thanks you evjoy yours too, i am praying for you as you pray for me please
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Old 06-16-2006, 03:30 PM
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I get frustrated in the same way. I can never seem to put what's in my mind into words. I've been trying to respond to another post on one of the forums for 2 days and can't get the words out. I also make decisions differently than most people do. I have to process every bit of information piece by piece and put it in a neat little box and then look at it and make a decision. There are abstract thinkers that just seem to pull information out of the air and act on it. They can process information much faster than I can. My brother and I go round and round on this. He thinks quick and I can never understand what he's talking about. I'm always asking for small details so I can sort it all out and put it together. Then I have to get past my dominant emotions so I can make a logical decision. It's exhausting.
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Old 06-16-2006, 03:46 PM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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maybe thats why my h called me long winded. it takes me a long time to explain what i mean i guess because, i have to hear the details before i can understand, and i am thinking that maybe others need to too. if i'm not being understood,then
i'll quit and internalize. over the yrs l've lost a lot of esteem, second guessing myself and feeling that what i feel does not really have any meaning or doesn't count.

here in sr, i get the chance to try and if i can't, i don't feel as bad as i would if f2f. i learned not to like me and now i have the chance to un do this and i just can't allow myself to go into myself. this is a vey painful thing at times.

the bad thing about this that i never knew that there maybe others like me.
thanks morning glory for sharing this with me. i feel like i am gonna get better inspite of myself, thanks
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Old 06-17-2006, 06:44 AM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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don't klike the way i feel

i woke up thinking about my h kind if heavy

i find myself trying to think of reasons to call and need instead, reasons not to call.
i feel bad for the kids being that father's day is tomorrow but it take a little bit more than a title to be a father

20 yrs of marriage is a long time and to not hear a word makes me sad, then i think what do i want to accomplish by hearing a word. doesn't he care at least about the kids.

will this feeling ever go away

did i cause his infidelities by not having relations with him. i tried at first but it seem to have done no good. he would still binge 4-5 days at a time and i think that i knew what that meant, but i feel guilty for that, and can't find no peace in this area.

am i suppose to give him an explaination again. i thought that i had but if i don't know how to express myself well then maybe he did not understand why i did what i did.(made him leave)

should i write a letter and if so, what do i plan to accomplish! i lost my temper when i made him leave, i feel guilty for that too.

can somebody help me sort out what i maybe feeling,encoragement or the frying pan. i don't like this feeling
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Old 06-17-2006, 07:38 AM
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teke-------I feel that heavy feeling,too. That is why I come on here,alot.

It churns in my head and in my heart. I feel "lost" somedays...I guess that is to be expected. Worse days are when I think ;"Who is the insane one? I feel like it is me."

The "Fathers'Day"...........that is another thing,too. My own father couldn't stand to be alone (he and Mom were married 37yrs but together from 15yr untilher death at 60y) sohe married a girl we knew (who is my age !) a year later...and didn't tell us.Now my AH moved out and divorced me very recently after 27ys and he at least has had this one OW that he denied (but evidently others know all about her). Our kids haven't had an acting father in years;but he thinks he is great because he pays all our bills (that part is good, but really.......he SHOULD be doing that.) It all seems like the past few years have been such a struggle and so "pointless"........whether that is true or not.

I was home taking care of our kids; one who has had serious ongoing medical conditions.both physical and emotional. He had to have a tutor come to our home for schooling for his high school years. He still had health problems (heart....has already had surgery but that lead to another complication). The more difficult the problems.....the more stress and the more AH left it to me. He was busy starting and running his own company. I assumed.............stop me there. That is my mistake. I did not count on my husband taking the easy way out.........work,work,work and play,play,play..........and begrudging me for our child's illness and having to deal with it because he did not help. I am disappointed and feel rejected for doing the "right" thing. boo-hoo for me!

Why do I feel badly that Father's Day is coming on and I feel sad that the two most important fathers in my life have acted in a way that has me dread that day. It is a Hallmark Holiday but it just points out these realy difficult realities. I have my children and I am so thankful for that........but these two don't really because of their own selfish behaviors and I feel badly for them and for my kids and for me. We did not do anything to deserve not having a family except love someone who evidently can't love us back in a way that feels like love. They are busy out "having fun" doing one lame thing after another and angry. Their choice, I know.....just disappointing.

I wish my children didn't have that. Actually.............I don't know that they know how much they really are missing.....I DID have it before and lost it; from both my dad and husband. My son remembers....my daughter has never known it.........which is worse? I do not know; but neither is good.

Thanks for letting me ramble.........this is the craziness that gets stuck in my thoughts and heart.
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Old 06-17-2006, 08:00 AM
  # 56 (permalink)  
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whew pick a name

this in a way makes me feel worse, makes you wonder why things have to happen the way that they do.

nobody deserves to have to feel this way especially when you feel that youve done all that you knew how to be there. gosh i hate this feeling and i guess i too dread father's day.

my own father died when i was 7 yrs old and i always though that it must have been him who loved me, but i don't even remember what he looked like, no pictures, the only picture that i have in my memory is of him lying in that casket with half of his face scared and not looking the same. he died in a house fire and as far as i know, alcohol may have been a factor.

to this day over 40 yrs later, i am still sad when i think that maybe he was the one who loved me, i have felt alone all of my life. my mom raised 6 of us and i was the oldest, never had a father figure in my life. moms decision not to remarry or anything, and it hurts me so badly for my kids to have to grow up like i did, without a dad in their life. so i stayed. in my heart, i did it for my kids but i don't really know, maybe it was the dreams.

i am sorry that you are feeling down today, maybe we can hold each other's hand and pray for each other and our kids. maybe we can allow god to be the father that we all so desperately long for.
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Old 06-17-2006, 09:34 AM
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Originally Posted by teke
i am sorry that you are feeling down today, maybe we can hold each other's hand and pray for each other and our kids. maybe we can allow god to be the father that we all so desperately long for.

Yes.....let's do that. My father loves me, I know that. AH ; really I guess he is my exAH (have to get that thru my head) loves me,too....I do believe that. It turns out they both grew up with with very down-in-the-mouth (haha look at me right now!)conrolling A fathers (who both to this day swear did not/do not have an abnormal relationship with alcohol..they do) and they both are very similar.....very controlled who try to control and very shy behind it. Probably they are doing the best they think they can......but they don't try to be better at relaionships. Dad depended on my mother for that (I am the oldest of five) and B. has depended on me for that for the past 30yr. They both found us and we did it for them, I guess....who knew?! It worked well until the kids and I all started having problems with his behavior.....so he just left and showed up for family functions,holidays and a meal or two a week then I guess got a part-timer who went for what he gave her. I see I did not help but it was still his choice. Seems a waste.

I guess I can not expect something from someone they can not give. That is my denial but it hurts and I feel rejected and angry that maybe my whole life and marriage were a lie (I know they were not, but still somewhere along the way it all got crazy.)

The more I read, the more I see that even though I have basically lived with an AA mindset most of my life (my mom did and so did my dad when she was alive) I really relate to a lot of the feelings an alcoholic describes. I just feel like a square peg in a round hole............an odd-ball who doesn't want to party and "escape" by acting like a teenager in heat.

OK....enough moaning and groaning from me.

It is a beautiful day..my daughter and I just went tanning (new for me but it was relaxing and makes me look thinner and younger.at least to myself! haha and that is the point!) Just a melancholy day thinking back to better times. I miss B, I miss feeling loved and "safe", I miss my mom, I miss "going home", I am tired of people wondering what is going on in our family when I really do not know for sure! haha.....guess that happens when you are in your 50's and find yourself alone. Oh,well...the day is young and full of possibilities!

Thanks for your kind words and prayers,teke. I love your tag line. I need to remember to let go and let God.I DO believe HE has this covered!!!

Have a good day and do something nice for yourself....you deserve it!
Thanks!
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Old 06-17-2006, 01:31 PM
  # 58 (permalink)  
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you are right it is a beautiful day, i am kind of having a hard time noticing it though, it is good to feel that your 2 fathers did love you the best that they knew how, i only wished that i could feel that way about my h, it sure woud help the situation. i do feel that i was used and i guess i have to find a way to get over that,huh. i have to keep reminding myself that god know where i am and how i feel and he knows how to take care of situations and feeling like these,

sometimes i do reflect on those sad memories but at the end of the day when i can snap myself out of it, i always come out a little sronger. what the enemy does for harm, god uses to work things out for good. it just don't always look like it in the moment.
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Old 06-17-2006, 01:39 PM
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Originally Posted by teke
sometimes i do reflect on those sad memories but at the end of the day when i can snap myself out of it, i always come out a little sronger. what the enemy does for harm, god uses to work things out for good. it just don't always look like it in the moment.

You are right about that..I sometimes forget. That sounds like what my mom would say to me if she was still alive, so thank you twice for that!

She would also remind me that "all things work together for good for them who trust the Lord".

btw..B is my ex(AH)....yes.I feel like he used me some lately,too. I know he is confused, so I still cut him slack..probably too much. We have been each other's family ,etc so long..I am having a hard time with all this..like he died but he didn't..........sometimes it is a blessing but other times not.

Oh,well...thanks for your help. One of my dogs is barking to come in! ttyl
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Old 06-17-2006, 02:14 PM
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i don't know how to do quotes yet, you're talking about giving you ah slack, well i sure do relate to that, i think that has a lot to do with me feeling used sometimes, cause i knew that he was confused and i tried to over look a lot of his junk cause i did not want to hurt him by leaving him. after everything, he still couldn't see that i kind of gave up me on purpose to be there for him and he treated me like it was a weakness when because of my love for god, i love him uncoditionally and he just could not see that. i still do i guess that why i am not bitter, i get angry sometimes but i do get over it.

then it came to the place where i could not allow his junk to make me insane like it has in the past.

your mom seem to have been a very wise person, if you don't mind me asking, how long has she been gone, my dad's been gone over 40 yrs and i still miss him. who knows, we met, so they may too and are together watching over us still,huh
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