Hi,again friend. What you say about your husband sounds so much the same.

My mom has been dead now for a little over 19 years. She had breast cancer in 1977 and it had already spread but she lived another 10 years.....most of them very active. She did have two other surgeries when it spread to her bones. We lived a few blocks away and I (and son) helped take care of her the last year of her life.she was bed-ridden but never once complained. It was a special time in it's own way for most of us sibs.........except the one who it turns out is an alcoholic. Neither she nor my husband could stand to go and see her when she was sick. AH had dinner there every night for months because I made it for my dad and sister,too and couldn't leave until they got home after 7. He was so kind about not making a fuss about me being there.....but he just could not deal with seeing her sick. Neither could my A sister. I just now realized that..odd,isn't it? My sister is just not grieving mom's death that she is sober. AH's drinking kicked up to problem zone when his mom died and our son needed heart surgery. blah,blah,blah.......sorry.....for all the pointless details! ha

Yes. I miss my mom. After I married and had my son and didn't work, we spent alot of time together. She was one of my best friends. She helped me thru two miscarriages,too. (husband could not speak of those either; I almost bled to death in the one.) She died right after she turned 60yr and our family that was very close fell apart; much of it due to my dad's reactions to her death. You know....I think about God's timing with her illness and death. Had I had either of those babies I lost, I would have had a much more difficult time being able to care for her in her sickness. They would have been young toddlers. I always wanted more children, but was also afraid because of the possibility of more complications. Strange thing.......a few weeks after her death I was surprised to larn I was pregnant. I was on bedrest and had a surgery to increase odds of carrying to term,etc. My daughter was born healthy and a few months later I learned I had Stage I cancer and needed a hysterectomy (and just before that time doctor and AH told me what a miracle that I had beat the odds with daughter and I should never have any more for my own safety...so, that was that.) None of it the way I would have planned, but better for HIS plans and mine in conjunction. I try to remind myself of that. Might be where I get lax on AH,too. I don't know. I ignore a lot of his stuff because I figure God is working on him so I just try to go about my business with him as long as it doesn't directly impact me or our kids. We are closer and get along better even now than most couples and he just divorced me a few mnths ago. (his sister told me he is sorry now........hmmm. He is still drinking and not changed anything else so it doesn't matter, but who knows. Maybe if he ever gets it together, it will be too late for me...could be.)

wow..I am long-winded today. sorry..don't know if it made senc\se to anyone but i guess I needed to vent off some "stuff"

you just go right ahead and vent, i am listening and checking on you often.

you sound so much like me. my first husband was became alcohloic i think after we divorced and his mom died, but quit yrs later after he got sick yrs after that, we married so young. well he passed away a couple of yrs ago and when he did, i lost one of my most dearest friends, he was even friends with my ah and he would come around when ever and they would even sat and talked and watched tv and everything, he was always welcome to our home, my ah used to even cut his hair, so it is possible to become friend with the ex's and i pray that even if my marriage is over, that one day we still can become friends, maybe not now cause a lot of healing has to come about,

even my mom is a cancer survior and i lost one of my brothers to alcohol about 5 yrs ago, i think that i already said that my dad died as a result of alkie i think, i hate this desease.

i don't think that god causes bad things to happen only sllows them for his purpose. i was told once the maybe one reason that god allow my dad to go
was maybe he wanted to raise me himself.

thanks again,teke.....for listening. I'm really having a rough day today, for some reason and I don't want to let my daughter know it,if possible. It upsets her and she has already been through enough. She is 18y and just graduated from high school last week.

I'll check back with you later. She wanted a pizza, so I ordered one and she just left to pick it up. (I'm gonna miss her around here next year when she goes away to school, but I am so excited for her! I loved my college years! I do not want her to have even a little concern about me being here alone next year!) ttyl

i think that you are doing good , protecting your daughter, this is why i don't understand why an addicted parent cant hear the cry of the little child. when i was active, i could not rest in it, i had to find a way and when i realized that i had no control over my addiction i had no choice but to believe that somebody else knows ways out.

because my heart hurts sometimes, i always want to be available if need be for next hurting heart so you are welcome to email me if you need to,

Thanks teke.....I just might. You are a big-hearted blessing.

Truthfully.......I think that is one reason why AH moved out,etc.....guess he thinks if he/we isn't seeing it then it isn't hurting us as much either. Sometimes that may be true but, of course that is not the way it is.

He can't "deal with the stress"........but he doesn't seem to get where most of the "stress" comes from. Seeing his family makes me wonder if he ever will.....actually my son said he was surprised one day my bil's (a) wife(new addition to the family ) was saying how I didn't know how to have fun because I was a tea-tottler,etc.etc (bil and the other two sibs know that is not the truth because I used to party with them in college..haha) and son heard his dad (AH) correct her and say to her that I do not have a problem with someone drinking, just when it causes problems do I find it an issue. hmmmmm..guess he did hear me. They were still telling him NOT to stop/get help; "how would it look", "how could he have fun,relax" .... and she suggested he just "loose" me instead. Well.....time will tell. I can't even waste time wondering about it.

That is fabulous that you are sober. Thank God you did for your childrens' sake as well as your own. If memory serves me correctly, your AH could not have been counted on for his parenting or even presence in your home. (?)

true, he could not be counted on consistantly, bingeing and god knows what else, 20yrs, i tried to stay or let him stay, but i see now that my life with him has not been very healthy for me or the kids.

it was a serious struggle for me to stay clean while he stayed active, i in no way could not have done this if it had not been for the grace of god, he had to be the one who was keeping me.

my ah said that since i was stronger than him and could stay clean then i should understand why he can't. excuses excuses. even then, i try to stay and be patient, but for him to take my kindness for a weakness and think that it was okay to be mean, go and come when he got ready, it was just not acceptable and i had to come to a place where i just got tired of talking. i had to do something,

teke......guess who just call me (with a very nice conversation,too)...........right,AH. Update on his dad. Guess what part of his medical problem is, PER AH ...addicted to pain meds!!!!!! (AH was complaining about how mean and stubborn he had gotten!!..I told him I was biting my tongue at that remark and he even said......"I know" haha and he DID,too!)

This just might be interesting.....;)

Glad someone finally noticed this besides my son and me (just last week I saw the pills and asked AH if he was taking them and why....he said he takes them 4x a day because he gets sick if he doesn't...I just said you know what that sounds like and he agreed, and in detail. Will see his doctor (fil IS a retired M.D.) Monday.

i take it that you two are not together, that is good that you can communicate with each other, i am sorry about his f, does he live with his father, if so, sad to say, maybe he will soon understand the pain that his addiction has caused you and your son. this could be a turning point, do you think

oh yeah, someone told me that people go to the emergency room faking pain inorder to get pills, and earlier in this post i was concerned about my daughter'a irratical behavior and i thought that it was some kind of drugs even though she said that it wasn't

how does these pills effect the body. my daughter complained about not being able to sleep, fever, vomiting and confusing thoughts, she also complained about being so weak, the paramedic said that her vilal signs were perfert but she insisted on going and going by ambulance, does this sound like anything that you may reconize?

No...he doesn't live here or with his father (AH has the $ in the group..haha) His dad lives an hour away. Hewas here for graduation 2 weeks ago and a few days later was so dizzy (again) he went to the hospital and had a pacemaker put in. He is home (alone and 82y) and still dizzy, etc..........so AH had to go over to help out (his brother and sister come and go but they are farther away). FIL is a doctor .....we was evidently hooked on IV drugs and went thru methadone treatments prior to when I met him 30 yrs ago. (Some of this is just coming out...even to AH) He IS an alcoholic (from my mind) from a long line of them. He is still taking HBP medicine but has low heart rate, not eating or drinking water and taking Darvocets 4x a day.....he weighs 112 lbs! No wonder he is dizzy and confused! He takes a fist full of medication from several different doctors.

The reaction of the "kids" and Gpa to how this proceeds will be interesting to see. I hope Gpa gets help and I also hope this allows both a window into what our lives have been and even the thought of AH to consider help for himself. (He is so functional that he and the family think his problems are "midlife crisis and depression",etc........Gpa has seemed functional to them,too so this may cause some conflicts in thinking.)

Please pray for FIL AND AH about all this.

I don't know the symptom,etc much...I just noticed Darvocet when he took them at dinner after graduation the other day. He said to AH..recognize this? Reason is AH is having neurological problems and he has been prescribed that for HIS back pain!!!! The plot thickens! When I heard AH had to go over there last night because his dad was still dizzy,etc I asked him was he still taking those? (one would make me dizzy!) That is how I knew.

Well hope he gets straightened around and maybe this is an HP-moment..if someone wants to pay attention! :)

ok, cinder, are you suspecting that h is also taking too many darvocet or have been addicted in the past. i don't remember what his doc is. i have neurological problems also this is why i won't take meds, i have to be in unbearable pain to take anything other that tylonol or advil , i am scared to death of prescription meds. i don't want to be addicted to any thing. i will be praying for your family hope they come around soon. your fil has all of that going on and lives alone at 82, huh. its good that he have you guys to check on him.

Teke - You know first hand what can happen out on the streets right? Better than your d does....make a list of what your concerns are then next to each concern write down all the different scenerios that it could go. The in the next column write what you would like to see done about it. But do it in the best way possible without be codie. And just see what happens. Keep in mind that this list is private and for your eyes only not the families ok. ASpouse is tough when it comes to her words but she makes a darn good point every time. She's right on the money and tells it like she she's it. Don't think that she doesn't care about your situation cuz she does. We all do. And she will say that the list I suggested is codie...but you know what? Oh well we all heal differently and in our own time. If the list helps do it.

Janet

thanks alot jani

i will do the list and get back to you, but right off the top of my head, let me give you a little update on the way i felt then and still do.

yes i know what happens on the street, a recovering crack addict myself and i have had to deal with an active crack addicted h for 20 yrs. i also know that there is not much that i could do to help my d if she wants that life, though i love my d and cares how she lives her life, it is better for me and i think and for her too, if i stand by and allow her to make her own mistakes early on if possible. i don't want to try an save her, force her, or get in the way of whatever she wants to do. she is 29 yrs old.

my concern is with the kids and her h does very well with them and always have been very responsible when it comes to his family as far as i know, now as far as their marital issues, i take the same stance, those are their issues,

if there is a problem, of whatever kind, my daughter grew up knowing how to, where to, go to get help and what she don't know, she does not have a problem coming to me for direction if she is thinking normal, i know addiction is not normal thinking but i know that unless she admits that she had a problem then what can anybody do.

i talked to my d and that's all i know to do right now, still don't know if there is a problem, i then talked to my sil, telling him what you guys tell me and for him to keep me posted if he feels the need, and my gd is suppose to call me if she ever needs to,

now i think that i have done enough and that all i want to do. i don't have to time to focus on my children's drama, i have 7 of them. they all know, that if they need me that i'll do what i can, mostly offer advice but they are not living with me, they have to figure somethings for themselves, if they make their beds hard, then they have to lay in them, i don't except those kinds of invitations, i won't lay in it with them. they know how to pray too. they also so know what it is to let go and let god.

i believe that somewhere in the post, the story got twisted, if i affended apouse in anyway i am sorry, i didn't mean to , i just did not see how her comment fit into what i meant to say in that post.

maybe she is right, maybe too, i did not relay my meaning very well and i do believe that that is what must have happened.
now i really hope that by this being so long, that lf i've confused someone, i am sorry,

Hi teke.....JMHO; you are doing the right thing for all involved. Perhaps the confusion came in when your d and gk were missing for a bit and some thought her husband was abusive. Whatever...now it seems clear and you seem to have some resolution about the situation and I think it sounds very reasonable.

I will continue to pray for you, your d and her family, your h, and your other 6 children!

Thanks for the E,S and H yesterday; I truly do appreciate it! Hope today is a really good one for you...I feel alot better and hope you do,too. Sending you a big hug!

yes i do feel better since a little while ago, i was blessed this morning from a dear friend from sr with some powerful wisdom cause i was feeling so crappy. i am so glad i foun sr.

i am pitiful when it comes to these abreviations, jhmo, and e,s,h help me out please.

i guess sometimes, i do have a problem saying what i mean to say i guess when i'm in a hurry or when writing it down. anyway, i glad that that is finally clear. now if someone feels that i am in codie mode, i can accept that and i need to hear that. thanks

Glad you are feeling better........I did see your post about the bond??? That would weigh on my heart,too but really it IS the right thing (of course you know that, and that is why you did it!;) ) It is truly the best for you H,too. Might help him get the help he deserves in the process,too........who knows?

Please don't think that you have a problem saying what you mean.............you do not. I hear that still from AH but that is because I try to say it in a way to not aggrivate an a AND trying to make sense of nonsense really does take a lot of effort! You make perfect sense to me! :)

JMHO= Just my humble opinion and E,S and H is sharing your "experience,strength, and hope" which is just what YOU do! Thanks!

Well....I see I am late, as usual...have a family graduation party today and a bridal shower to go to and I haven't even showered yet! my bad! haha

Enjoy a great day and I'l check in here later.

DUH: thanks pick a name

hope you have fun and hurry back tell us the fun, but drive careful.

so you hear stuff like that too.

you are so right, i too put so much effort in talking to my ah, cause i don't want to say anything hurtful(most of the time) or agrevating or provolking and i guess this is a revelation for me. he has a way of twisting whatever i say to make it seem like i am being mean to him.
drawing me back into that protecting him mode, forgetting abou my feelings still.

i had some fun
 

my #1 d came by today,at the spur of the moment wanting to take the kids to the park, and i went, the kid played in the water park while i sat and people watched. it was so different and it brought me so much peace just for today. hadn't had so much fun since while my h was away in jail. i forgot what it was like.

i realized that i had been spending way too much time focusing on how lonely i had been when like you guys say, i have to get out and do something for myself. i already have plans to do something with the kids next wk. i realize that we can do things and have fun without my h.

the kids called their dad today and spoke to him breifly, i think that he told them that he had hurt his back, i guess it is suppose to be the reason why he is not working and sending support or maybe i was suppose to feel sorry that he hurt his back. i don't know what that is all about but i do know that they have not picked him up yet on his revolked bond. i guess that he don't know about it yet.

they had called early this morning but no answer, i think that he make it a point to say that he has been there all alone, i wanted to hear his voice i guess, i did not speak to him but the kids had the phone on loud speaker and did not bother to cut it off.

i felt better hearing him even though i did not mean for that to happen. he seems to be content there and that's okay with me, i finally feel that it is best for him to be there, cause at this point, i can in no way be what he may need me to be,

i just don't see myself going back to the life that i had

i guess that i am just rattling, the kids say that when i get sleepy, i can talk the horns off a billy goat, so i hope this makes some kind of sense. i sure hope that i did not fall asleep while writing this

another issue
 

i was just thinking how i wanted to call my ah, i guess to hear how he was doing and i decided not to, but the kids did for fathers day. i just don't undertand though, and i feel sadden by it sometimes that my 15yr son is so protective of his dad, i try not to say much cause i don't know how to handle this just yet.

they need things and i do the best i can with what i have, dad is not being supportive at all right now and i have an order already but it is yet to be enforced. i don't know if i am wrong in saying that sometimes they should ask their father for some of the things that they think they need or want, cause i can only do so much. he ask me for shoes, and i asked him why didn;t he ask his dad, but i did over hear the conversation and he was saying how he does not have a job, to me, that was not a good excuse

when i said this, my son went into over drive trying to make excuses why dad should not be responsible because he is not here or because he don't have a job, or because i won't let him live with us. dad is not working probable cause of his addictive behavior, you have to go to work on a regular basis to keep a job and bingeing won't allow him to do that.

i do everything for my kids and basically always have, he's been in and out the home so much for so long. my ah has not been around long enough for any of us to really even know him, all we know really is him being in active addiction mode.he don't even call the kids to see how they are doing, its like he expects for them to be the ones to do the contacting.

it sure frustrates me when my son seems to want to rebel against me any time that he thinks that i am not happy with his dads lack of responsibity to help support them and involve them in his life.
its like he thinks that its my sole responsibility to take care of them so why bother dad.

i remember once my son asked his dad for 1 dollar after seeing him the first time in months and he told him to get it from his mother, he thinks that if he ask him for anything that he won't give it to him, but why do he act this way toward me sometimes,

over all i know that he loves me, wants to be with me and respects me most of the time but he does have this defensive side of him to protect his dad.

how do i get him to understand that even if dad is not here, the responsiblity is not mine alone but i am doing all that i can with what i have, or do i try to get him to understand this. it seems to be okay that dad don't have it but when it comes to me, he seem to thing that i have it but don't want to give it. i get disability why can't he understand this.

this is a pretty long one so i hope that i don't confuse anyone, if i do i'll try to do better, and i know that i may not hear what i want to hear, but what i need to hear.
thank you for your comments

Needing A Little Advice
 

maybe i should have started a new thread,huh
i wish i knew how to make this one.

Hi teke.....bbl

Was actually with AH the last few hours for his aunt's funeral. Just checking in for a minute, but will be back on later.

I am excited.just ordered a new computer...mine crashes so much I can barely go online and can't use email any longer.

sorry about your aunt and can't wait to hear how the trip went. i am jealous that you get to get a NEW comp but glad too. can't have you crashing all the time, i need your help.

don't forget to read my last two post when you ger a chance, especially the one about my son.

I think his defending his father is probably normal... my daughter did it all the time till a few years ago when she went to live with him for a year.

I tried really hard not to share his lack of responsibility with my daughter and I completely understand the frustration...

Now though she has gotten to the point that she has no expectations of her father... she went through a phase of saying she did not care about him ... I had to work with her though that one too. I just told her that her father loves her, just not the way she wanted to be loved. She still thinks he is a loser but she does not cry over him all the time now.

No child wants to have a parent they can not respect.... My Mother was an Alcoholic as well and I know for me I was defensive and protective of her in my younger years... I was very embarrased and felt abandoned by her... Even kids have denial.

I know how hard it is to raise/pay for everything alone, but somehow you have to let go of that frustration... If your ex is anything like mine all you will do is crash your peace... it does not seem to effect my ex.

thanks cynay

my h seems not to be affected by it at all,in his mind,he seems to think that he is taking care of his kids, when he was around, he contibuted a little every other wk and the off wk was his binge wk and he would be gone 4-5 days,come home broke to the penny and he did not seem to understand why i never had enough to cover all the bill,all the food,money for him to go to work if he still had a job, cigs or what ever else everybody needed.

due to his no calls,no shows, the short checks might come home the next wk full check would go to streets and he does not understand my complants. this goes on every wk until he loses the job then there is a month of 2 break between jobs, i just realized that he can't keep a job and he blames me for not being able to accomplish any material things

now my son does respect his dad to the utmost, it me who carries the burden of the family.he doesn't understand that i can not continue to sacrifice my life tring to live with his dad, when my h has no respect for the family or the marriage,

i have live this way the whole 18-20 yrs of this relationship and it is just now dawning on me that i am putting my health in danger by allowing this to go on, his infidelity is not acceptable, i live through that so long until i think that i got numb to the pain and i realize that he thought that there was nothing wrong with that kind of behavior. it seem like to me that he is a crack,sex addict and does not matter who he id with when high.

my children expect for me to still allow him into my life, into our home and i have done this for yrs and can no longer.

i hope that in telling this i have not confused anyone.

its about my son
 

i think the frustration comes from my son's reaction to his father not being a ptroductive part of our lives.

i am used to the irresponsible actions of my h in not helping with the kids. he's been active in his addiction for a long time and his doc comsumes most of his money.

i try not to make a big deal out of that when it comes to the kids, but i feel kind of let down when the kids seem to not recognize that i can not do more cause i do need help but like my h's addiction, i can't make him do any thing, all that i can do is allow the system to help handle the support and that takes time too. it would be different if my h could keep a job.

the kids make excuses for dad's lack of support and seems to think that it is my responsibility only, and that it's somehow okay that dad can't help. i realize that if he won't than i have to and that is okay for now, but how do i teach my son that this behavior is irresponsible and that if ever he has kids, it would be his duty to help provide for his kids and with no exceptions.

i just don't want my son to grow up thinking that it is okay to have kids and just go on life as usual without making sure that his kids are taken care of. i believe that i should train up a child the best i can in the way that he should go. not that i can control their actions but i at least want they to know what right and in this area seems as if i am having a hard time relaying that message. hope this is not confusing, and i think that maybe i should have started a new thread.

And the best way for him to learn that is for you to show it through YOUR actions. All you can do is be the best example you can be. Your son will grow up to be whatever he will be, you have no control.

My mother-in-law did her very best to give my husband as good of a life as she could (his father's an alcoholic). She gets frustrated (as we all do!) with my husband and his behavior, but I have to remind her that his actions/choices are no reflection on her or her parenting. She was a shining example for him. She worked very hard and gave them all she could as a single mom and now it's his turn to take that experience and apply it to his own life.

I know it's hard for her. Especially because she feels like she gave him everything she had, and left nothing for herself... and (as she says), "This is how he repays me???" But again, it's not her... it's him. I tell her, that the most important thing she can do now is take the time now... make herself a priority now, and treat herself to the things that she felt robbed of. Better late than never.

Easy to say, very hard to actually live... but that's the way it really needs to be, other wise resentments and frustration will build up and eat you alive.

gettingby

thank you for your response,

even though i don't see myself as being robbed of anything, i am stressed over the fact that i want my 14 yr old to know that caring for a family should be a priority. he's only 14 and i think that maybe i have to realize that some teens think that parents don't know anything anyway. i so agree that all that i can do is my best, hopefully he will realize that its not okay for his dad to not play a part in his life, all that i can do is make sure that i tell him that his dad loves him and i guess somehow one day, he won't feel the need to make excuses for his dad's behavior.

it is so hard to talk to kids about the absent parent who does not contribute to the welfare or the well being of the kids. i don't won't to put dad down in any way but his non involvement with the kids is so sad. i know that i can not change my ah, but how do i deal with my son who feels the need to defend him against me at every end. its like everything is my responsibility and everything is my fault.

Some teens think there parents know nothing????? Try all teens I think.

Maybe your projecting more into it then he is actually feeling. One thing I can tell you from experience is that I was usually harder on myself then my daughter was... I would project my fears into her thinking when she was not as deep into the emotion as I thought.

The other thing is ... He is a child, stop expecting him to understand the reasons... He world has changed and he does not like it and he is striking out at the one closest to him... bottom line. Also he probably feels that striking out against his Dad would only push him further away...

Just keep doing your best and being a mom ... that is all you can do.

thank you so much cynay

maybe i am projecting too much and i admit maybe i have been expecting him to understand more than he needs to at this time. i know now that maybe i have to be more aware of my feelings and to take a deeper look into why at times that i feel this way. maybe his striking out is his way of coping.

gettin by

thank. you too for shareing your experience with me, i do remember how while my ah was in prison, after a long while he did get better and seemed happier, after so many promises that my ah made to the kids and i, i allowed him back into the home, this time i believe that when my ah could not deliver, not only was i disappointed, they were too. this time around the kids were old enough to reconize dad's addictive behavior and possibly knew more about what it meant. my son could not lash out at him so maybe i am the next closest one to lash out on.

i hope that i understood this right, this makes sense to me and if so, at least i know what i am working with here,

Hi teke..........finally able to get back (but my 'puter might crash at any moment!) I think Cynay said well the same thoughts I have about your son (so sorry about this with him). You are safe and he trusts your love for him, so he can and does lash out at you. He may not realize it!

I think this is human nature. We are told how the A's do it to us,too.......the projection and caring-on.

Thinking about it....I do it myself..."to" AH about him! haha (usually in a rant to an empty room or car! haha psycho!:) )That is one of the things I hate so much about what alcoholism does to a person.......AH was the "safe" one for me and now I need that more than ever and that void combined with the hurt and frustration and anger bubble up.........possibly part of what your son may be feeling?

My son did this,too for a period. Probably extra hard on the young men. I think on some level they start trying to "fill in" for their missing father and that is a heavy load; and it must cause some resentment (towards the missing one and the one needing the help..in the way a person can feel resentful when taking care of a chronically ill person....you know it is not their "fault" but it is still an obligation you would prefer not to have.)

My son is home for a few days and said a few things that made me think about this; but like Cynay......maybe he doesn't think about it on the "deep" level I do and therefore think he does. Maybe he is just annoyed at the situation. In fact he told me his dad is a whiney baby and he doesn't understand why people put up with his behavior!

I will continue to keep you and your family (and especially this son) in my prayers.

Opps......tried to edit and "thanked myself" instead!.....NOW I see why there was a "remove thanks" button!!! :)