Hello again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Nowhere TX
Posts: 60
Hello again
Hello again, SR and all the wonderful people here. I posted here several months back...in August I believe. Then things got better and school started and the daily drive and life just went back to ...whatever it was. The RUT. I once was told a rut is a grave with no end. How true. Denial is such a stupidly powerful thing, isn't it?
And at the time I had posted before, I had 'learned' things, read and saw things and thought...I got it. I didn't have a freaggin' clue. I mean, it was like seeing and knowing but I didn't really understand? Or maybe it was still that I was holding onto denial to help me hold onto my dream. And let's face it, it was MY dream, my illusion that things would be okay, that he'd really get sober THIS time. Text book, huh?
So then came January and the microwave that started it all. ( I LOVE that little dinky microwave.
)Or I should say that finally 'dinged' it in me. Our microwave was about ten years old and had started to catch things on fire. Not just misuse...anything caught on fire. This wasn't safe. So I bought a much smaller and cheaper one because really, the biggest thing we cook in there is what? Popcorn? Yeah, so anyway, for whatever reason, the fact I bought it royally peeved my AH and next thing I knew after arguing and yelling, he's leaving. At the time, I was scared, panicked, but I didn't ask him not to go. I just finished unpacking the groceries and breathed. He was gone for a month to councelling and outpatient rehab with the inlaws. Back a week and drinking. Shoulda, coulda, woulda... Those don't really mean too much except maybe help you see so you don't make the same mistake too many more times.
I knew better than to have expectations. After all, I'd read it, knew I shouldn't, yet still I hoped and was so mad and upset when he slipped. But the slip turned into a slide and he wasn't sober again, so I detached and detached more and REALLY STARTED to UNDERSTAND all the stuff I'd read, all the advice I'd seen given, all the....everything, ya know? Granted, I too slipped and slid, but this time I could SEE it. This time I knew...I don't want to do this again. Sometimes I stopped myself and sometimes I danced the chaos tango/mamba/salsa...chicken dance.
There were episodes of him leaving and me thinking, this is it,this is the last time. And like an idiot, I always let him back in. Why should he change when he knows, or knew the door would always be open? In the last month, he's been gone for basically half that time. Sober a day maybe and then gone. He did manage to stay sober for five days before slipping this last time and then he took off again to put closure to his past again, or sober up, to fix this. But this time, even with his crying and 'you and the boys mean everything to me....from the bottom of my heart. Y'all are my heart and soul...' All I heard was blah, blah, blah, quack, quack, quack.
I talked to him yesterday because he called my cell and he said he'd checked into an inpatient clinic several hours away and might be there a week or two. Sounded like BS to me, so I just listened to him go on and on and then I hung up. And maybe it's not bs, but I just really don't care either way. That's when I just knew.
I don't want this anymore.
And like the rest of it, I knew it back months ago. But months ago, I was still hoping, still doubting, still... angry. And if I'd have left him then, or kicked him out, or filed for divorce, it would probably have been better. But I'd have wondered if I acted in the heat of the moment. If I let emotions rule instead of reason, ya know? And now? Now there's really no doubt in my mind. Okay, maybe small moments of doubt, but just a whisper or flicker, really.
I realized I was holding onto MY dream, MY illusion. Not his. If he wants to quit and save his life, he will, if not, he won't. But I'm tired of the chaos and his...no. Of letting his decisions affect my life. Of affecting our boys' lives. He's taught them through his actions, and me, too, through my...inactions, or reactions, that it's okay to treat a woman this way. That it's okay to yell, curse, hit the wall, and be so blantantly disrespectful. I don't want this anymore. He's no longer the man I fell in love with. He's sick, there's medical bills out the wazoo coming in bcz of lack of insurance. And basically he's damanged his bone marrow due to his constant drinking. But he did it. Not me.
Maybe I am cold and heartless. Maybe he is actually sobering up this time and I should give him the benifit of the doubt. But I've just had ENOUGH. Ya know? I don't want him to drink himself into an early grave, but I don't want to let myself be dragged down with him and that's what I'm allowing to happen. I know that now. I wish...well, we all wish. Wish in one and p*ss in the other and see which fills up faster, as my granddad used to say.
I've realized I'm scared, and that's okay. I'm worried about how this will effect the boys, but doing nothing, staying the same will have a worse effect. I know that now, I wished I had come to terms with it sooner, but apparently now is my time. I've realized I AM STRONG. I CAN DO THIS. and I WILL DO THIS. I'm strangely at peace with it.
So tomorrow I plan to go to the bank to get my name off a joint account set up to pay a loan he took out for God only knows what. Look into setting up another account to be able to pay the bills out of and taking my name off our last joint account. AND *deep breath* finding a good lawyer.
It seems like I should be angry, or crying or something. But I'm not and I don't know if that's good or bad, but it's what is.
Sorry for rambling on. I just wanted to get it all out there.
You guys are an absolute life saver and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for sharing your stories, for giving advice, or just offering the titles of books to read. Because sometimes, there are those of us that are incrediably shy and second guess everything and lurk in the shadows of cyberspace while we try to figure outselves out--or I do anyway. And reading here, helped me find the information, the courage, helped open my eyes, helped me understand. So, thanks. A while back a thread was started I think about how you might tell a newbie something and never hear from them again. I'm not every newbie, but for me, sometimes it took a while to really sink in, then longer for the idea to grow and longer still for the understanding to bloom.
Oh and before anyone asks... I've found my local AlAnon schedule...I say local, it's really the area within about 150 mile radias bcz it's gonna be at least an hour drive to anyone of them (I love living in the middle of nowhere). I will get to a meeting, just have to find sitters since the meetings will be late. But once school starts, I'm hoping to make the noon meetings. Granted changed finances and jobs might have an impact on that, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
And before I ramble on more, I'll go. Wish me luck, and courage. One foot in front of the other, right? And lots of deep breaths.
Best,
fartheralong
And at the time I had posted before, I had 'learned' things, read and saw things and thought...I got it. I didn't have a freaggin' clue. I mean, it was like seeing and knowing but I didn't really understand? Or maybe it was still that I was holding onto denial to help me hold onto my dream. And let's face it, it was MY dream, my illusion that things would be okay, that he'd really get sober THIS time. Text book, huh?
So then came January and the microwave that started it all. ( I LOVE that little dinky microwave.
)Or I should say that finally 'dinged' it in me. Our microwave was about ten years old and had started to catch things on fire. Not just misuse...anything caught on fire. This wasn't safe. So I bought a much smaller and cheaper one because really, the biggest thing we cook in there is what? Popcorn? Yeah, so anyway, for whatever reason, the fact I bought it royally peeved my AH and next thing I knew after arguing and yelling, he's leaving. At the time, I was scared, panicked, but I didn't ask him not to go. I just finished unpacking the groceries and breathed. He was gone for a month to councelling and outpatient rehab with the inlaws. Back a week and drinking. Shoulda, coulda, woulda... Those don't really mean too much except maybe help you see so you don't make the same mistake too many more times. I knew better than to have expectations. After all, I'd read it, knew I shouldn't, yet still I hoped and was so mad and upset when he slipped. But the slip turned into a slide and he wasn't sober again, so I detached and detached more and REALLY STARTED to UNDERSTAND all the stuff I'd read, all the advice I'd seen given, all the....everything, ya know? Granted, I too slipped and slid, but this time I could SEE it. This time I knew...I don't want to do this again. Sometimes I stopped myself and sometimes I danced the chaos tango/mamba/salsa...chicken dance.
There were episodes of him leaving and me thinking, this is it,this is the last time. And like an idiot, I always let him back in. Why should he change when he knows, or knew the door would always be open? In the last month, he's been gone for basically half that time. Sober a day maybe and then gone. He did manage to stay sober for five days before slipping this last time and then he took off again to put closure to his past again, or sober up, to fix this. But this time, even with his crying and 'you and the boys mean everything to me....from the bottom of my heart. Y'all are my heart and soul...' All I heard was blah, blah, blah, quack, quack, quack.
I talked to him yesterday because he called my cell and he said he'd checked into an inpatient clinic several hours away and might be there a week or two. Sounded like BS to me, so I just listened to him go on and on and then I hung up. And maybe it's not bs, but I just really don't care either way. That's when I just knew.
I don't want this anymore.
And like the rest of it, I knew it back months ago. But months ago, I was still hoping, still doubting, still... angry. And if I'd have left him then, or kicked him out, or filed for divorce, it would probably have been better. But I'd have wondered if I acted in the heat of the moment. If I let emotions rule instead of reason, ya know? And now? Now there's really no doubt in my mind. Okay, maybe small moments of doubt, but just a whisper or flicker, really.
I realized I was holding onto MY dream, MY illusion. Not his. If he wants to quit and save his life, he will, if not, he won't. But I'm tired of the chaos and his...no. Of letting his decisions affect my life. Of affecting our boys' lives. He's taught them through his actions, and me, too, through my...inactions, or reactions, that it's okay to treat a woman this way. That it's okay to yell, curse, hit the wall, and be so blantantly disrespectful. I don't want this anymore. He's no longer the man I fell in love with. He's sick, there's medical bills out the wazoo coming in bcz of lack of insurance. And basically he's damanged his bone marrow due to his constant drinking. But he did it. Not me.
Maybe I am cold and heartless. Maybe he is actually sobering up this time and I should give him the benifit of the doubt. But I've just had ENOUGH. Ya know? I don't want him to drink himself into an early grave, but I don't want to let myself be dragged down with him and that's what I'm allowing to happen. I know that now. I wish...well, we all wish. Wish in one and p*ss in the other and see which fills up faster, as my granddad used to say.
I've realized I'm scared, and that's okay. I'm worried about how this will effect the boys, but doing nothing, staying the same will have a worse effect. I know that now, I wished I had come to terms with it sooner, but apparently now is my time. I've realized I AM STRONG. I CAN DO THIS. and I WILL DO THIS. I'm strangely at peace with it.
So tomorrow I plan to go to the bank to get my name off a joint account set up to pay a loan he took out for God only knows what. Look into setting up another account to be able to pay the bills out of and taking my name off our last joint account. AND *deep breath* finding a good lawyer.
It seems like I should be angry, or crying or something. But I'm not and I don't know if that's good or bad, but it's what is.
Sorry for rambling on. I just wanted to get it all out there.
You guys are an absolute life saver and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for sharing your stories, for giving advice, or just offering the titles of books to read. Because sometimes, there are those of us that are incrediably shy and second guess everything and lurk in the shadows of cyberspace while we try to figure outselves out--or I do anyway. And reading here, helped me find the information, the courage, helped open my eyes, helped me understand. So, thanks. A while back a thread was started I think about how you might tell a newbie something and never hear from them again. I'm not every newbie, but for me, sometimes it took a while to really sink in, then longer for the idea to grow and longer still for the understanding to bloom.
Oh and before anyone asks... I've found my local AlAnon schedule...I say local, it's really the area within about 150 mile radias bcz it's gonna be at least an hour drive to anyone of them (I love living in the middle of nowhere). I will get to a meeting, just have to find sitters since the meetings will be late. But once school starts, I'm hoping to make the noon meetings. Granted changed finances and jobs might have an impact on that, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
And before I ramble on more, I'll go. Wish me luck, and courage. One foot in front of the other, right? And lots of deep breaths.
Best,
fartheralong
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi fartheralong
this was so well put into words, you seem to be a strong person and seems like you have a great plan, talking about lurking in cyber space, seems like it has done you a lot of good. i am wishing you and yours the best of luck and i will be praying for you.
this was so well put into words, you seem to be a strong person and seems like you have a great plan, talking about lurking in cyber space, seems like it has done you a lot of good. i am wishing you and yours the best of luck and i will be praying for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dream
Posts: 88
Very touching. I have had alot of the same emotions. SOunds like you just had to do it in your own time. Very glad to see it is headed in the right direction for you. I believe you made the right decsions and am so happy for you. It is awesome to see how things can turn out so positive and move forward after so much. Best wishes to you and your boys. In my prayers
SC
SC
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
Originally Posted by fartheralong
I'm not every newbie, but for me, sometimes it took a while to really sink in, then longer for the idea to grow and longer still for the understanding to bloom.
best
gf
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Nowhere TX
Posts: 60
Thank you all (denny, teke, Clancy, SC, GF) so much for your support. I just LOVE this place.
I've told all the 'important' people I needed to what I was going to do. I've got the lawyers narrowed down to three. Let the parents know, the inlaws...everyone was so supportive. No one was even surprised--why did I think they would be? sigh. In fact, my MIL said she wished I had done this a long time ago, but she understood.
I did good until I ran into small things, like trying to get DSL that's running a special no installation fee special and first three months cheaper. But I can't get it and save money every month because the accounts are in his name (extra phone line and the internet account...the man doesnt' even know how ot email). Can't get my name off the joint checking account that drafts out for a loan he took out in his name. I can CLOSE it, but they won't let me do that unless i pay the loan first. No money in that account, no way to pay loan=credit further in toilet.
So I got stressed yesterday. Then AH called with more lies, but he was so calm. The 'sober' lies I call them because he's hardly sober/sober...ya know? You drink that much, can he ever *really* think clearly. But I told him what I was going to do, what I needed from him (in terms of an address so I could forward mail/his bills/whatever) and how this wasn't in any way a lash out to him. I was doing nothing TO him, but I was doing something FOR me and the boys. We actually had a conversation. No raised voices, no yelling, no cursing, no...anything. Well, there was more emotion on my part. It was like the day and the reality just caught up with me. A conversation that stated, 'I'm filing for divorce' yet ended with, "I love you." And I do. I still love that lying (probably cheating), who knows where AH. WHY???? It would be SO much easier if I didn't. And the boys want to know if he's coming home for father's day. *thunk, thunk, thunk--that's my head against the desk* So there have been A LOT of deep breaths. A LOT. More tears than I thought I'd have left, but yet, still an inner resolve.
Doubts crept in Wednesday night, if I was 'really' doing the right thing, even though it 'felt' like the right thing (Have I mentioned how I just LOVE the fact I second guess everything?). BUT Thursday morning rolled around and then noon and then the fact that AH was not, nor had he spent the night as assumed or rather as he stated, in the inpatient clinic. No he was forty miles away in jail Wednesday night after getting a DWI and driving the company vehicle. (BTW--the truck was his to drive since he had to commute over an hour and was with a small, yet successful subcontracting company). Teh boss (my dad) has also finally had enough (thank God) and wants the truck back. He wasn't going to release it to the AH who was bonded out, but the impound dude apparently had NO trouble giving it to him. I'm sad it's not what I wanted it to be, and I get sad when I stop and think, even when we talked and I just spelled it out for him. He even said he knew he caused this and had no one to blame but himself.
and we coudl have it all. He didn't want anything. Of course when he phoned today and I just grabbed it without looking at the caller ID. Today was 'swing' day. One minute pleading, the next 'how can you do this to us? Just give up? Take the 'easy' way.' I just took a deep breath and deleted something I typed and let him yack. Then we got off after I told him he didn't need to drive the truck. But that's not my problem is it?
SIGH
BUT even though I'm sad, I know this is what I HAVE to do, I just try not to 'over think' it. Ya know? There's my goal, and I'm gonna get there. Period. and then we'll have peace. Therapy and peace. lol.
Resume for Job positions, finish tax stuff to turn in Monday (that's been fun), and get a short story finished to meet a deadline. I get that done. then I'll be okay for NOW. And now's all I think about. I mean, I 'plan' for this or that in terms of what I 'need' to get done, or in terms of how to pay bills, but that's it. And I find it's working (with ALOT of deep breaths and the mantra I AM STRONG, I CAN DO THIS.
THE GOOD NEWS:
Yes, Virginia there IS a Santa Claus!
Several teachign positions are open in local (w/in twenty-30 min) small town schools and I'm putting my resume in the pots. Granted I haven't been in a classroom in nine years, but I've got the degree, the outdated license, so maybe that'll count for something. I know TX has 'emergency certification' where if you have a degree they'll hire you but in that year you must attend seminars and get your test and pass it. Soooo that's my 'plan' and if I don't get hired, fine, I'll sub, or clean houses, or even create and design websites on teh side. Why not? What's stopping me? (notice I'm aiming for the positive attitude here? )
I've just spent all day digging through boxes in the barn and the catch-all closet to find my old teaching portfolio and what all not and updating said nine-year-old resume. And I've realized that for nine years that I've been here at home in the country, I've become slightly anti social. the very idea of being surrounded by lots of people day in and day out for hours is rather....scary. But I'll do it. I used to all the time and I loved it then.
So deep breaths and I won't worry about tomorrow. I'll just do what I have to today.
Thanks again for letting me get it all out, y'all.
Hugs,
fa
I've told all the 'important' people I needed to what I was going to do. I've got the lawyers narrowed down to three. Let the parents know, the inlaws...everyone was so supportive. No one was even surprised--why did I think they would be? sigh. In fact, my MIL said she wished I had done this a long time ago, but she understood.
I did good until I ran into small things, like trying to get DSL that's running a special no installation fee special and first three months cheaper. But I can't get it and save money every month because the accounts are in his name (extra phone line and the internet account...the man doesnt' even know how ot email). Can't get my name off the joint checking account that drafts out for a loan he took out in his name. I can CLOSE it, but they won't let me do that unless i pay the loan first. No money in that account, no way to pay loan=credit further in toilet.
So I got stressed yesterday. Then AH called with more lies, but he was so calm. The 'sober' lies I call them because he's hardly sober/sober...ya know? You drink that much, can he ever *really* think clearly. But I told him what I was going to do, what I needed from him (in terms of an address so I could forward mail/his bills/whatever) and how this wasn't in any way a lash out to him. I was doing nothing TO him, but I was doing something FOR me and the boys. We actually had a conversation. No raised voices, no yelling, no cursing, no...anything. Well, there was more emotion on my part. It was like the day and the reality just caught up with me. A conversation that stated, 'I'm filing for divorce' yet ended with, "I love you." And I do. I still love that lying (probably cheating), who knows where AH. WHY???? It would be SO much easier if I didn't. And the boys want to know if he's coming home for father's day. *thunk, thunk, thunk--that's my head against the desk* So there have been A LOT of deep breaths. A LOT. More tears than I thought I'd have left, but yet, still an inner resolve.
Doubts crept in Wednesday night, if I was 'really' doing the right thing, even though it 'felt' like the right thing (Have I mentioned how I just LOVE the fact I second guess everything?). BUT Thursday morning rolled around and then noon and then the fact that AH was not, nor had he spent the night as assumed or rather as he stated, in the inpatient clinic. No he was forty miles away in jail Wednesday night after getting a DWI and driving the company vehicle. (BTW--the truck was his to drive since he had to commute over an hour and was with a small, yet successful subcontracting company). Teh boss (my dad) has also finally had enough (thank God) and wants the truck back. He wasn't going to release it to the AH who was bonded out, but the impound dude apparently had NO trouble giving it to him. I'm sad it's not what I wanted it to be, and I get sad when I stop and think, even when we talked and I just spelled it out for him. He even said he knew he caused this and had no one to blame but himself.
and we coudl have it all. He didn't want anything. Of course when he phoned today and I just grabbed it without looking at the caller ID. Today was 'swing' day. One minute pleading, the next 'how can you do this to us? Just give up? Take the 'easy' way.' I just took a deep breath and deleted something I typed and let him yack. Then we got off after I told him he didn't need to drive the truck. But that's not my problem is it? SIGH
BUT even though I'm sad, I know this is what I HAVE to do, I just try not to 'over think' it. Ya know? There's my goal, and I'm gonna get there. Period. and then we'll have peace. Therapy and peace. lol.
Resume for Job positions, finish tax stuff to turn in Monday (that's been fun), and get a short story finished to meet a deadline. I get that done. then I'll be okay for NOW. And now's all I think about. I mean, I 'plan' for this or that in terms of what I 'need' to get done, or in terms of how to pay bills, but that's it. And I find it's working (with ALOT of deep breaths and the mantra I AM STRONG, I CAN DO THIS.
THE GOOD NEWS:
Yes, Virginia there IS a Santa Claus!
Several teachign positions are open in local (w/in twenty-30 min) small town schools and I'm putting my resume in the pots. Granted I haven't been in a classroom in nine years, but I've got the degree, the outdated license, so maybe that'll count for something. I know TX has 'emergency certification' where if you have a degree they'll hire you but in that year you must attend seminars and get your test and pass it. Soooo that's my 'plan' and if I don't get hired, fine, I'll sub, or clean houses, or even create and design websites on teh side. Why not? What's stopping me? (notice I'm aiming for the positive attitude here?
) I've just spent all day digging through boxes in the barn and the catch-all closet to find my old teaching portfolio and what all not and updating said nine-year-old resume. And I've realized that for nine years that I've been here at home in the country, I've become slightly anti social. the very idea of being surrounded by lots of people day in and day out for hours is rather....scary. But I'll do it. I used to all the time and I loved it then.
So deep breaths and I won't worry about tomorrow. I'll just do what I have to today.
Thanks again for letting me get it all out, y'all.
Hugs,
fa
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Good luck with the teaching certification! You can do just about anything you want to now and nothing is stopping you. I understand what you mean entirely about just having enough and knowing that it is the right thing to do. I'm moving on myself at the end of the month and our divorce papers have been filed. AH and I still tell each other we love each other- even if he still baffles and angers me from time to time (I do wish him well). The simple fact is- things were NOT going to change unless something major changed. It is what it is and this is what's best for both of us. That vicious cycle is good for no one.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Nowhere TX
Posts: 60
Thanks, Mega. I agree. The cycle just goes on and on and on and so, I'm stepping out, or trying to...taking the steps to, might be a better way of stating it. Since I haven't done it yet. We'll get there. The light at the end of the tunnel is VISIBLE. I just have to keep walking to get there--that's what I tell myself anyway. Have a good day everyone!
FA
FA
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