melonhead

I haven't even read all the sticky threads yet. I will get to them, and I'll figure out the abreviations soon too.

My husband is a high-functioning alcoholic. He works hard all day and drinks 1 or 2 "hard liqueor" drinks before dinner and anywhere from 16 to 32 oz of red wine after that. Up until a couple of days ago I used to have a couple of glasses of wine with him. This has been going on for years. Decades, even. (Married 26 years). Now, I quit drinking with him.

I just can't take it anymore, for myself. Due to his infidelity I have been depressed, and drinking makes it worse. Now, I suspect there will be a shifting of our family dynamics since I won't be sharing drinking with him anymore. I am trying so hard to want to stay with him, but once every few months or so he picks a fight when he's drunk, and I am starting to lose the desire to stay.

I have never told him I don't like his drinking, I always thought it was obvious he has a problem, but since it doesn't affect his work life it isn't a problem for him yet. Once or twice I told him he was acting like the old drunk man in his childhood neighborhood. Of course he was drunk at the time, so he doesn't remember. (LOL and COL).

I guess I am going to need some detachment lessons.

Any ideas where to start? I read the thread on enabling, and I have to say I almost wish he would sleep in the yard so I had something concrete to complain about rather than "You were mean to me verbally at dinner last night".

M.

robina

Hi Melonhead.

Welcome.

There is a great deal of help available for you.

There is a fantastic sticky called "Alcoholism is a tragic three act play in which there are at least 4 characters". It talks about the major role that family members and friends play in the family disease of alcoholism.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html

I would suggest that you read as much as you can, because a lot of healing can happen with knowledge.

Finally, keep coming back and know you're not alone.

melonhead

Thanks, I am reading now!

M

cwohio

my husband was a functional A for many years before it progressed, and it will if he doesn't think there is a problem. Mine too would try to start arguments when drunk and I got into al-anon and counseling because his drinking was causing ME a problem. i had to physically leave the house when this happened. Detachment is very hard sometimes. Look into the stickys and al-anon or therapy. Also see if you can find "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

The sad thing is my husband passed away before ever getting into recovery. We have to learn to take care of ourselves because...we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it.

denny57

Welcome melonhead (i love that name!)

You could be describing the story of my AH and me until about 2 years ago. Same drinks and all. Then it progressed. Four or more hard liquors, bottle of wine and more, and after dinner brandies. That was only what I saw from 4pm on. I know he had also started drinking during the day. Infidelity - yep. Verbal abuse, that too. I also never told him his drinking bothered me, just some of the behaviors.

The stress started killing me. I know that because our family doctor told me so.

What helped me: deciding I had to take care of me, Al-Anon, therapy, reading all I could on alcoholism, including its effects on families, as well as co-dependency. Once I got serious about my recovery things began to improve for me.

Keep reading and posting. I just want to add that verbal abuse, whether it is coming out as the quacking of an alcoholic or not, is soul killing. I did not realize how much of me had died until I started getting better.

Take care.

GettingFree

Hi melon & welcome to SR.

It sounds like you've been living in a lot of silent pain for some time. It's great you've come here and are sharing it. There are lots of wise and loving people here who will understand.

High-functioning alcoholics can be the most difficult to see their problem. But because they're maintaining a successful career and paying the bills hardly means there isn't one. A marriage that has been falling apart and damaged by infidelity is a huge problem. Being verbally abusive is a huge problem. His life is being affected. And so is yours. And you have every right to call it a problem. And you deserve better.

It sounds like it may be time to try talking about your real feelings and bringing the problem out in the open. He can't know what you feel if you've never told him. Can you explain your feelings about his drinking, how it impacts you (and your children if you have any), and the effect it's had on your life, and on your marriage. To stay silent is making a choice to suffer silently.

And yes, I too would very much recommend reading the book Co-Dependent No More. It was a turning point for me.

hang in and keep posting,
gf

melonhead

Thanks for your replies. I have been a member over at one of the infidelity boards for almost 2 years now. Hubby is not in an affair now, but he was in 2 long term affairs over a period of 8 years before I found out. I spy on him pretty heavily, even almost 2 years later, because while I know he's ok now, I have no reason to believe he won't do it again if he has the opportunity or inclination.

Part of the reason I have never called him on his drinking is that I drink too. Alcoholism runs in my mother's family, all her sisters and her brother were affected. My own brother and sister are not, and I keep looking at myself. Better to stop drinking altogether before I start calling names. In that regard I guess you could call me an alkie, too. Hubby and I enabled each other? Encouraged each other? Didn't stop each other? Mind you I don't get drunk but I did have those glasses of wine with him. And since his infidelity, when he starts in on me I let him have it back. I always let him think I agreed with him before. What a wuss!

Well I don't *need* those glasses of wine and I don't need his **** either. I am struggling with this marriage thing. Together 26 years, and I thought he loved me, and that made it easy for me to overlook his behavior. But now I think he tolorates me. Because I am comfortable? Because I make the medium bucks? Because he'd have to find someone else to drink with? Hell, I don't know. Don't know what I want, but it sure isn't this.

M.

Pick-a-name

Hi, melonhead....so glad you found us. I so understand what you are saying..........my AH and most of his family, etc think I am over-reacting, etc. because he isn't a "bad alcoholic"...very functional at work and in the public eye; just he turns mean and hateful at home and drinks from the time he gets off work and home until he goes to bed (or did...he moved out because he "couldn't live with the kids and I ",etc). It still makes me second-guess this, but that is my own problem.

Stick around here and you will be in great compay and learn ways to make your life start working better for you,too.

Have you read much about alcoholism? I recommend "Under the Influence" and "Getting Them Sober". Co-Dependent No More is also helpful to me; Al-anon and open AA meetings,etc...read and learn as much as you can....I find it really helps.

And keep posting! We understand and are glad you "found" us!

teke

gosh melon, i can relate,only my h is an crack addict, now there is no money no matter how much is made, at first he may have been functional but not he's far past dysfunctional. 20yr marriage and all the abuse that goes along with addiction, infidelity, i too, must have gotten numb to it until i realized that this is not what a marriage is suppose to be like and i decided that he has to go and stay gone.

i believe that things can get better for you but you have to do some work that will lead you that direction. take care self and allow hubby to do the same.

i too was a silent suffer for a lot of yrs and it did me more harm than good. i too agree with the others, maybe discuss with him how you feel and see where that take you and if all else fail, put all focus on your self and let the marriage take care of it self.you won;t be able to work on it without him and if he's not ready to work on his recovery, then you won't be able to make him.
i will be praying for you and yours

elizabeth1979

For me, this is backwards



If I dont take care of myself, nothing else can work.

Instead of..try to talk to an active alcoholic (who is not functioning like a normie) and then WHEN (not if) that doesnt work, I will work on myself...

I work on myself first.