Having to move and feeling bitter
Followtheyellowbrickroad
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Staples, MN
Posts: 104
Having to move and feeling bitter
Well, I was trying to file for bankruptcy to prevent from losing my home and car and that's not going to work so I am being forced to sell my dream house, that I worked my ass of as a single mom to buy before I married AH, give up all my pets and relocate. Uprooting my son to a new place and a new school. AH was supposed to help me with all the bills but he lost his job because he got a DWI driving a company car so there is no help from him. I am feeling very bitter today. I feel like I am having to give up things that I love, my home town, my pets, ect....because of choices that he made. Am I wrong here? I am so angry. I can't find a job to save my life that pays what I need to make, I live in a rural area, am limited to where I can work because of daycare. I feel like it is coming at me from all sides. 
Holding The Father's Hand
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Oregon
Posts: 96
Deettah, this sounds a lot like my story about 9 years ago. The only difference is that my husband (at the time) left me for another woman. I had an infant daughter, five dollars in the bank, and an eviction notice on my door. You will get through this.
Have you contact your state assistance office? It isn't wrong to get food stamps and other state assistance. That's what it is there for. It is for people who need a little boost which is what it sounds like you need. They will also help with daycare expenses. They paid all but $25 of my daycare expenses for three years until I made enough to cover it on my own.
((((deettah))))) I'm praying for you
Have you contact your state assistance office? It isn't wrong to get food stamps and other state assistance. That's what it is there for. It is for people who need a little boost which is what it sounds like you need. They will also help with daycare expenses. They paid all but $25 of my daycare expenses for three years until I made enough to cover it on my own.
((((deettah))))) I'm praying for you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I feel like I am having to give up things that I love, my home town, my pets, ect....because of choices that he made. Am I wrong here? I am so angry. I can't find a job to save my life that pays what I need to make,
You knew he was drinking, you would have been very well smart to have a plan, you should have been looking for a job someplace to save your home, your pets etc. I'm sorry, you are not completely "blameless" in this situation. Depending on alcoholic is like trying to hold water in your hands .... it simply doesn't work.
Bankruptcy does not help you save you against anything that is secured, such as a house or a car ..... it only helps with unsecured debt.
Good luck to you and perhaps this is your HP's way of giving you the opportunity to make a new start, on your own without your AH. I also live in a rural area and I drive 45 miles to work one way and I have a child in day care also. You can't tell me it can't be done because I do it, every single day and do millions of moms in this country.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
I made a million choices while with an alcoholic that have allowed me to be in less than desireable financial conditions.
I am responsible for my choices also.
State help is available..
Do you have family and friends to help?
This is a good reason for me not being with him anymore.
I am responsible for my choices also.
State help is available..
Do you have family and friends to help?
This is a good reason for me not being with him anymore.
In Recovery
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 259
Deettah,
I just accidentally erased my post, so I'll just say, I know what you are going through! Jerk H, no money, PO'd at the situation.... Maybe not exactly the same situation, but a lot of the same emotions and turmoil...it SUCKS! (and not in the good way...lol)
The only thing that gets me through half the time is knowing that I am no good to anyone (least of all my daughters) by staying and letting myself shrink back into the "nothing" I used to feel like. I won't go there again. I want to teach them that certain behaviors are NOT acceptable, no matter what. I want them to learn what love is, or at least, what love isn't.
I will disagree with ASpouse's "woulda-coulda-shoulda" message...for me, that kind of thinking doesn't help...it only makes me feel even more paralyzed...same as the "If only"s and "If [he/she/it/they/I, etc..] would just"s. They don't help.
Know that you are doing what is best for you now. I'm with you...please keep us posted!! Sometimes, I believe that we go through H*** just for the sake of being able to help someone else with their personal H***.
Kari
I just accidentally erased my post, so I'll just say, I know what you are going through! Jerk H, no money, PO'd at the situation.... Maybe not exactly the same situation, but a lot of the same emotions and turmoil...it SUCKS! (and not in the good way...lol)
The only thing that gets me through half the time is knowing that I am no good to anyone (least of all my daughters) by staying and letting myself shrink back into the "nothing" I used to feel like. I won't go there again. I want to teach them that certain behaviors are NOT acceptable, no matter what. I want them to learn what love is, or at least, what love isn't.
I will disagree with ASpouse's "woulda-coulda-shoulda" message...for me, that kind of thinking doesn't help...it only makes me feel even more paralyzed...same as the "If only"s and "If [he/she/it/they/I, etc..] would just"s. They don't help.
Know that you are doing what is best for you now. I'm with you...please keep us posted!! Sometimes, I believe that we go through H*** just for the sake of being able to help someone else with their personal H***.
Kari
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Bankruptcy does not help you save you against anything that is secured, such as a house or a car
I'm sorry (((Deettah))) and can only imagine the stress you must feel. I do agree with Judy though that no one person can take the blame for what is happening now. It was definitely his irresponsibility that affected your finances in such a way, but you did not have to deal with it as long as you did. I know you have your reasons for not leaving sooner and I'm sure you never wanted it to come to this. Those decisions that you made were what you felt was right for you at the time, so DON'T beat yourself up. This is the result of both of your decisions combined. I am currently in Chapter 13 as a result of choices I made in a relationship I had prior to marrying my husband. Yes it was him that initially put me in the "bind," but I chose to stay in the bind until it was too late.
I know this is not comforting to you right now, but I am a believer that everything happens for a purpose and there are no accidents. This will make you stronger and there is a purpose behind this. I feel that you have much greater things in store for you.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
((Deettah))-- I filed for my bankruptcy in 2002. I think they have recently passed ammendments to bankrupcy laws which make it more difficult to file. I would check the possibility of filing Ch. 13 anyway. Use every resource you have available to you and hang in there. I'm praying for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
What I said "TheGirlInside" is that I would try not to use the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" in explaining what I think. I agree with you, that helps no one in any situation and I'm sure that deettah is saying those very same words to herself.
Unfortunately, loosing a house and a car is not something that happens overnight! There is more than enough warning from the banks (months in fact) advising what they are planning to do and by when. This situation has probably been "festering" for quite some time now in deetahs life and yes, I've been right there and done that also I'm sorry to say, however for me, it all worked out because I did not make excuses, I DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT without the help of my at the time AH. I saved my own A$$ ...... not his.
Unfortunately, loosing a house and a car is not something that happens overnight! There is more than enough warning from the banks (months in fact) advising what they are planning to do and by when. This situation has probably been "festering" for quite some time now in deetahs life and yes, I've been right there and done that also I'm sorry to say, however for me, it all worked out because I did not make excuses, I DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT without the help of my at the time AH. I saved my own A$$ ...... not his.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
hi deetah
I may also have to sell my home somewhere down the road. It makes me sad, but then I remember I have always fallen in love with everywhere I live because I make it my home. The last place fades away as the new becomes mine.
I don't think Judy is pointing a finger of blame. I have found it helpful to start putting responsibility (not blame) on myself for decisions I made and continue to make. It's a good lesson learned - and helpful to others who may be checking in here - that you had an asset that was yours before you were with AH and now you stand to lose it. Owning up to my bad choices has empowered me in unexpected ways.
You may have already done so, but I would talk to an attorney about your options. Most will meet with you for the first hour for free. If you can't find one, contact the Minnesota State Bar Association.
(((hugs))) to you - I know it isn't easy.
I may also have to sell my home somewhere down the road. It makes me sad, but then I remember I have always fallen in love with everywhere I live because I make it my home. The last place fades away as the new becomes mine.
I don't think Judy is pointing a finger of blame. I have found it helpful to start putting responsibility (not blame) on myself for decisions I made and continue to make. It's a good lesson learned - and helpful to others who may be checking in here - that you had an asset that was yours before you were with AH and now you stand to lose it. Owning up to my bad choices has empowered me in unexpected ways.
You may have already done so, but I would talk to an attorney about your options. Most will meet with you for the first hour for free. If you can't find one, contact the Minnesota State Bar Association.
(((hugs))) to you - I know it isn't easy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
Posts: 113
I am sorry for what you are going through, I too lost everything and had to work my a#$ off to survive, I know the anger, but anger just held me back.
There is no way of knowing when you said I do, you were done.
When a person said to me the word Alcoholic, I thought of the bum lying on the street, no way was my guy anything like that.
I didn't see the light until it was to late, as I think happened to most of us. Now the gut wrenching choices or lack of choices.
I really had no choice I had to get out and move on.
Life does go on and you might not see it now, but things do get better and it all happens for a reason, and when the day comes you have peace in your life it will be all worth it, but it still does just **** you off sometimes.
Be strong and have faith.
There is no way of knowing when you said I do, you were done.
When a person said to me the word Alcoholic, I thought of the bum lying on the street, no way was my guy anything like that.
I didn't see the light until it was to late, as I think happened to most of us. Now the gut wrenching choices or lack of choices.
I really had no choice I had to get out and move on.
Life does go on and you might not see it now, but things do get better and it all happens for a reason, and when the day comes you have peace in your life it will be all worth it, but it still does just **** you off sometimes.
Be strong and have faith.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
deetah, i am sorry that you are going through this, sounds similar, childlike has some good suggestion, thats what i had to do only i did not already own a home, my ah went on a binge a few days before closing and i ran and cancel the loan. no way. unfortunately we lose things when we choose to live with an addict. all of the should have's and could have's has nothing to do with what is, so i kind of disagree with aspouse.
you will be okay and you will maybe gain a better living enviroment than before, that was my experience each time that i made a move. even those things has a tendancy to get better as long that i was trying to take care of myself and my kids. god knows where you are at, he makes no mistakes. we pray and we believe but we don't always welcome the answers we get. we are humans and can't see what's around corners, so don't beat yourself up about your past decisions, you did not know that this would happen, now did you?
i ended up on disability and can't work and the kids and i are doing great aside from the loneliness i feel sometimes. thank god, today i do not have to depend on my ah for our livelihood. who knows, maybe you'll find a place in the same areas and the kids school, i did.
god's plan is always better than ours, i believe this in my heart but the problem comes when my head and body don't follow suit.
you will be okay and you will maybe gain a better living enviroment than before, that was my experience each time that i made a move. even those things has a tendancy to get better as long that i was trying to take care of myself and my kids. god knows where you are at, he makes no mistakes. we pray and we believe but we don't always welcome the answers we get. we are humans and can't see what's around corners, so don't beat yourself up about your past decisions, you did not know that this would happen, now did you?
i ended up on disability and can't work and the kids and i are doing great aside from the loneliness i feel sometimes. thank god, today i do not have to depend on my ah for our livelihood. who knows, maybe you'll find a place in the same areas and the kids school, i did.
god's plan is always better than ours, i believe this in my heart but the problem comes when my head and body don't follow suit.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
If I had played more "hard ball" and given M one less chance than I did.... It would have made a huge difference in my current financial situation. I'm not doing the shoulda, coulda, woulda though. But just think of how strong my boundaries have become as a result!
Rack it up to one of lifes lessons learned, process it, let go of resentment so you CAN move on. That's why I asked if you have children together b/c if not, you won't have to deal with him in the future. If so, you'll really need to focus on letting go of resentment for your own sanity.
Rack it up to one of lifes lessons learned, process it, let go of resentment so you CAN move on. That's why I asked if you have children together b/c if not, you won't have to deal with him in the future. If so, you'll really need to focus on letting go of resentment for your own sanity.
Followtheyellowbrickroad
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Staples, MN
Posts: 104
Thank you everyone. I appreciate all of the responses. Thankfully, we do not have children together. My son is from a previous relationship. Despite all of my efforts to save my own ass, working with local employment agencies, workforce centers, applying to every job possible within a reasonable driving distance, county help, ect..I am still in this situation. It is not as if I was waiting for my AH to come and save me. I am very self sufficient and have always have been but it seems that every avenue I try to take to better my life ends in a dead end. I also know that I am not blameless but why the heck is it so worng for me to feel let down? I know I have to pull myself up out of this and move forward which is exactly what I intend on doing. Thanks again everyone for the advise.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
There is nothing wrong with feeling let down.
I believe the hope is and maybe not now, but sometime, you'll be able to look back at the situation you're in regarding losing the house and see what YOU could have done to prevent it from getting to that point. That way, you'll never again be in this situation. Just my opinion, of course.
In the meantime, if you've exhausted every avenue and are going to lose it, I am very sorry. Something good will come out of this even if it doesn't feel that way right now.
I believe the hope is and maybe not now, but sometime, you'll be able to look back at the situation you're in regarding losing the house and see what YOU could have done to prevent it from getting to that point. That way, you'll never again be in this situation. Just my opinion, of course.
In the meantime, if you've exhausted every avenue and are going to lose it, I am very sorry. Something good will come out of this even if it doesn't feel that way right now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
why the heck is it so worng for me to feel let down?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
Of course we all have huge emotions coming out of situations like this. Grief, rage, shame, anger, resentment.
I don't see any emotion as bad or wrong. In fact, I think not expressing these emotions keeps us locked in them more. Releasing them -- writing them out, bringing them here, releasing them in therapy or counselling, expressing them with groups, sponsors or friends, even simply being quiet and meditating on them -- is the very way we CAN move forward, so we have more options, and are more clear to make choices.
Deetah -- I didn't hear that you were stuck in resentment -- because of course that can happen, and then it's destructive. I heard you were feeling overwhelmed and needed to let it out. Makes sense to me.
And it sounds like you have the mettle to keep on trying and exploring whatever you can to keep pushing forward. Stay the course -- it will get better. And release as needed.
best
gf
I don't see any emotion as bad or wrong. In fact, I think not expressing these emotions keeps us locked in them more. Releasing them -- writing them out, bringing them here, releasing them in therapy or counselling, expressing them with groups, sponsors or friends, even simply being quiet and meditating on them -- is the very way we CAN move forward, so we have more options, and are more clear to make choices.
Deetah -- I didn't hear that you were stuck in resentment -- because of course that can happen, and then it's destructive. I heard you were feeling overwhelmed and needed to let it out. Makes sense to me.
And it sounds like you have the mettle to keep on trying and exploring whatever you can to keep pushing forward. Stay the course -- it will get better. And release as needed.
best
gf
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