I'm not sure if this belongs here but you've been supportive and i need that
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ballwin, MO
Posts: 127
I'm not sure if this belongs here but you've been supportive and i need that
Well
my alcoholic/drug addict girlfriend got trapped tonight.
Her soon to be ex husband (she has her papers for legal aid filled out and will be sent in today) whom will not leave (the police say as long as he is non violent---he is already on probation for domestic abuse he can stay in house) threatened to take the car (in both their names) and leave her stranded with no transportation to anywhere unless she told him she loved him and performed a sex act. She is trying to get housing ( i called there today to the emergency shelter to see if they can hold the room they have for her) and had been told there is an opening, but husband will not leave for a couple days now (he is a trucker) so she is stuck....as i said i did call the shelter to see if they can hold it (she cannot call coz husband is always around and would know if she was trying to move out) and will know in about 30 min if they can....
how do i deal with the fact that she was forced basically to tell him she loved him and to do a sex act in order to perhaps keep her self in one piece, and keep her availabilty to transport herself to treatment, meetings, etc?
i realize that she did not do it willingly and in fact she has said as soon as we get back from being out of town (we had made plans with a mutual friend to go out of town) that she will again tell him (as she has before and up til this morning) that she is divorcing him, etc.
but...what can i do to support myself and be ok??
HELP!
my alcoholic/drug addict girlfriend got trapped tonight.
Her soon to be ex husband (she has her papers for legal aid filled out and will be sent in today) whom will not leave (the police say as long as he is non violent---he is already on probation for domestic abuse he can stay in house) threatened to take the car (in both their names) and leave her stranded with no transportation to anywhere unless she told him she loved him and performed a sex act. She is trying to get housing ( i called there today to the emergency shelter to see if they can hold the room they have for her) and had been told there is an opening, but husband will not leave for a couple days now (he is a trucker) so she is stuck....as i said i did call the shelter to see if they can hold it (she cannot call coz husband is always around and would know if she was trying to move out) and will know in about 30 min if they can....
how do i deal with the fact that she was forced basically to tell him she loved him and to do a sex act in order to perhaps keep her self in one piece, and keep her availabilty to transport herself to treatment, meetings, etc?
i realize that she did not do it willingly and in fact she has said as soon as we get back from being out of town (we had made plans with a mutual friend to go out of town) that she will again tell him (as she has before and up til this morning) that she is divorcing him, etc.
but...what can i do to support myself and be ok??
HELP!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
You have no cuplability in this.
Her STBX made a threat, she responded in a defensive manner. His actions amount to rape in most states. You did not threaten her, you did not perform the act, you did not cause this situation and you have very little, if any, control over it.
Should you feel guilty? No, not at all. Should you feel empathy and sympathy - that's up to you, but from where I sit it sounds like you do and you're doing what you can to help her get out as safely as she can.
But certainly, this is not your fault in any way, shape or form. Even if you didn't want to leave on tuesday, most likely the STBX would have made the same threat and cause the same scenario to unfold.
I hope that makes you feel better. Sometimes I would feel guilt, not because I shared any of the responsibility, but because a situation was so awful, that if I felt like I could take on some of the responsibility of the situation, maybe there was something I could do to fix it. In this instance, with or without you in the picture, the results would have been the same.
Her STBX made a threat, she responded in a defensive manner. His actions amount to rape in most states. You did not threaten her, you did not perform the act, you did not cause this situation and you have very little, if any, control over it.
Should you feel guilty? No, not at all. Should you feel empathy and sympathy - that's up to you, but from where I sit it sounds like you do and you're doing what you can to help her get out as safely as she can.
But certainly, this is not your fault in any way, shape or form. Even if you didn't want to leave on tuesday, most likely the STBX would have made the same threat and cause the same scenario to unfold.
I hope that makes you feel better. Sometimes I would feel guilt, not because I shared any of the responsibility, but because a situation was so awful, that if I felt like I could take on some of the responsibility of the situation, maybe there was something I could do to fix it. In this instance, with or without you in the picture, the results would have been the same.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ballwin, MO
Posts: 127
i feel guilty because i DID want to leave on tuesday and she and i were very excited about this trip (mutal friend is meeting us there on wednesday)
but then stbx was goign to take the car...so she felt only way to keep the car was to say she loved him and do the sex act....she apologized to me for doing it but said she felt she had to do it "for us" and because we are/were so excited about going on this trip, so i guess she COULD have not said she loved him, not done the sex act, but then no car...no trip...and so i feel responsible that she did it "for us"
but then stbx was goign to take the car...so she felt only way to keep the car was to say she loved him and do the sex act....she apologized to me for doing it but said she felt she had to do it "for us" and because we are/were so excited about going on this trip, so i guess she COULD have not said she loved him, not done the sex act, but then no car...no trip...and so i feel responsible that she did it "for us"
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 689
Hi Green,
As Ginger said, you are not responsible in any way. You didn't cause the STBX to behave in the way he did, you didn't make your GF make the choices she did. It was an incident that happened completely separate from you.
Also, it may help to understand that people really do make choices for themselves. Whatever your girlfriend chose to do, she did so because she wanted the car, to be able to take the trip, with you. That said, she probably has a lot of shame about the incident, and so saying she did it for 'us' will make it easier for her to live with. And I have compassion for that. But the 'did it for us' puts an extra burden on you - and you don't have to pick that up. You can understand her choice, as her choice, and still be supportive if that's your choice.
Another person may have chosen differently -- and not be any less committed to the 'us'. Personally speaking, nothing but the threat of physical violence to me or my loved ones would force me to commit a sexual act against my will. I would have chosen to forget the the trip. Just giving you a different perspective.
And if she had come to you, having explained what happened -- and that the car, and trip was off, I'm sure you'd support that too.
But I'm older, in a completely different place, and have come to see my value much more than when I was younger. It took me a long time.
best
gf
As Ginger said, you are not responsible in any way. You didn't cause the STBX to behave in the way he did, you didn't make your GF make the choices she did. It was an incident that happened completely separate from you.
Also, it may help to understand that people really do make choices for themselves. Whatever your girlfriend chose to do, she did so because she wanted the car, to be able to take the trip, with you. That said, she probably has a lot of shame about the incident, and so saying she did it for 'us' will make it easier for her to live with. And I have compassion for that. But the 'did it for us' puts an extra burden on you - and you don't have to pick that up. You can understand her choice, as her choice, and still be supportive if that's your choice.
Another person may have chosen differently -- and not be any less committed to the 'us'. Personally speaking, nothing but the threat of physical violence to me or my loved ones would force me to commit a sexual act against my will. I would have chosen to forget the the trip. Just giving you a different perspective.
And if she had come to you, having explained what happened -- and that the car, and trip was off, I'm sure you'd support that too.
But I'm older, in a completely different place, and have come to see my value much more than when I was younger. It took me a long time.
best
gf
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ballwin, MO
Posts: 127
yea
i mean sure i was disappointed when she said he was going to take the car
but yea to take my pick between going on the trip tomorrow and her doing that or perhaps waiting til wed or even skipping the trip so that she didn't do that
i d have rather not gone on the trip altho it is paid for and it did cost a bundle....i d rather her NOT be doing that especially coz now she needs to go back again and tell him she lied and does not love him and did what she did to get the car...
i mean sure i was disappointed when she said he was going to take the car
but yea to take my pick between going on the trip tomorrow and her doing that or perhaps waiting til wed or even skipping the trip so that she didn't do that
i d have rather not gone on the trip altho it is paid for and it did cost a bundle....i d rather her NOT be doing that especially coz now she needs to go back again and tell him she lied and does not love him and did what she did to get the car...
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
Well this soon to be ex is guilty of rape. But neither person sounds sane or sober. Plus you are hhaving an affair if you have gotten this close to a married woman so I think the whole situation stinks. I don't mince words here- I have been cheated on and I was angry enough to do bad things myself[ I didn't because no one is worth going to jail over]. To support yourself and be ok - remove yourself from the situation- a drug addict/ alcoholic girlfriend is an adventure into insanity. dax
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Hey green.... one question...
Why are you mixed up w/ and active addict who's caught up in a messy divorce? What is it you are getting from this relationship that is worth all the drama?
Well I guess that's really two questions....
Bail
Why are you mixed up w/ and active addict who's caught up in a messy divorce? What is it you are getting from this relationship that is worth all the drama?
Well I guess that's really two questions....
Originally Posted by greenapplecider
but...what can i do to support myself and be ok??
HELP!
HELP!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: houston, tx
Posts: 323
Wether he is guilty or not would need a trial to decide. Probably not if she agree to to ge the car. You are guilty of having an affair and why- why would this person who is an addict and an alcoholic be worth it. Watch out- the husband might come after you. remove yourself from this drama and stay safe. dax
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ballwin, MO
Posts: 127
all of you , thank you for your candidness , i appreciate it
gf--she is day 19 sober after previous 76 days sober...
she goes to treatment, counseling, and is really working on herself
gf--she is day 19 sober after previous 76 days sober...
she goes to treatment, counseling, and is really working on herself
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I'm sorry are you looking for relationship advice or are you wrapped up in co-dependency and enabling and wanting to get away from your AGF? Not quite sure what is happening here and I have to agree with dax ..... you are having an affair with someone who is married .... have you so little respect for yourself?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Hi,
I don't know your whole story here.
You need to ask yourself why you are in this situation. (And if the answer that springs to your mind is I love her ask yourself why)
Why can she just not leave and go to a shelter, why is she still there with someone like that?
And she isn't sober even if she has 19 days.
Ngaire
I don't know your whole story here.
You need to ask yourself why you are in this situation. (And if the answer that springs to your mind is I love her ask yourself why)
Why can she just not leave and go to a shelter, why is she still there with someone like that?
And she isn't sober even if she has 19 days.
Ngaire
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