JessicaNAJ

...when I start to get that worried...p'd off feeling??? I get out my books and READ. I have to learn to be assertive...all the time and not "react". How do I say what I want without "going off"? Guess I just need to say it, and then walk away.

Along this journey....I have allowed myself to believe that G would not be this bad off had I not asked him to move out. That he was ready to quit drinking just about the same time I told him I wasn't happy. So, I realize now and will openly admit, that I freaked out (so to speak) b/c he was getting evicted and I got overly concerned that he was just going to get worse and it was all my fault and we can make this work, and he can get better and that he WANTED to get better, so I invited him to stay here and we both agreed that we were both scared and would take it one day at a time. (You know, he told me that he would not even think about coming back unless he thought we could work it out??? Words - No Action hmmm )

Anyway I had a lot of confusion in my mind. I still feel to blame for how bad things got, but I'm learning and seeing that it's not, but not convinced. He is not changing (monday through thursday he does not drink b/c he's at the house and he knows I don't want him to drink when he's there, and I believe he only stays at the house then because he has to get up to go to work/although if asked the question, he will deny that...but his actions tell me otherwise). They say that Alcoholics/Addicts work to support their habit....so (IMO) G does not want to loose his job or he won't have any "honest" money to support his habit. I say "honest" b/c before he was to be evicted, he was writing bad checks to get money.

It was sad.....to see this man that I believed to be so strong and (at one time) "my rock" just fall to pieces and on the verge of loosing everything. (I KNOW.....I probably did more harm than good).

SO, what is this doing for me??? Opening my eyes a tiny bit at a time to what the reality of the situation really is....that this is doing nothing for me.

I think I'm a pretty smart person......SO WHY CAN'T I SEE AND FEEL WHAT IS SO OBVIOUS to others. Why do I still think he wants to change? Actions speak louder than words, and his actions stink.

I ask myself......What am I afraid of? Do I think if this won't work I'm going to fail somehow?

best

His actions...His choice.
His falling down...His choice
His stopping...His choice.

With what you posted, the only thing I see that you can blame on you...
Allowing him back in and not holding boundaries has brought you to question yourself.

No guilt...His choices.
No faulure...His choices.
Your love and hope for him is why you say you don't see what others see.
Your denial is screened with that hope.
His choices are the only thing that will change him.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it
and you can't force him to make choices.
He stays...he makes a choice...use/not use.
He goes...he makes a choice...use/not use.
You can put a beer in his hand but he is the one who needs swallow to drink it.
It isn't your fault.

megamysterioso

Hi ((Jess)) and I think you're asking the right questions. Only you can determine the answers and once you have them, I think it will be easier for you to find some direction in how to proceed.

It is all about the actions and no matter what G says or implies, it is not your fault that he's an addict. My AH attempted to "cut down," recently did not drink for 22 days, etc. all the while when I was planning our divorce. I questioned myself a couple of times- wondering if "he was REALLY serious 'this time'" and if I was working "against him." The truth is though that IF they- the addicts- are truly serious about recovery for all the right reasons, they do NOT need us standing on the sidelines cheering them on every step of the way. They will do it on their own no matter what because they want to for the betterment of themselves. I think that alcoholics cease making excuses to drink and nix the blame game when they get serious about recovery. My AH has never demonstrated that to me and therefore, my feet are still walking out the door.

Anyone can have great intentions, but it's the follow-through that counts. Talk is cheap and easy. Getting sober requires hard work and complete commitment. It doesn't sound like he's willing yet and maybe the only time he will be is when he falls on his face out on his own. Right now he has you as a safety net and does not feel burdened by his addiction. That's the way I see it anyway.

JessicaNAJ

You know what I just thought of....he says a lot of things that gives me hope. I need to figure out a way to not fall into that. How do I stop listening?

denny57

(((Jessica)))

You are seeing and feeling more than you're giving yourself credit for. When emotions are involved, it can take awhile for the brain and heart to connect. Be kind to yourself and keep on paying attention to the actions. One day at a time.
Try and have a great weekend - do something fun with the kids.

JessicaNAJ

We went to Kings Island today after I got home from work. They had a blast. Not sure what tomorrow will bring yet, but I am sure we'll have fun.

best

ducks say quack quack quack and so do users.

Actions speak, words are but words.
Trust only the actions. I could tell a nice story that even I would accept as fact. My actions are the only thing that can be trusted.

Trust what you see, not what you hear. Quack quack quack makes no sense.

JessicaNAJ

Thank you for that Best!!

I think I'm starting to see and feel the consequences of my actions.

I'm trying.......You'd think I'd be better at that by now.

JessicaNAJ

I agree. And it's time I start speaking my mind....assertively (sp).

best

Here is why

megamysterioso

Remember TG's tagline- "Hope is oftentimes prolonged disappointment" or something like that! That is never truer than with the quacking of an alcoholic. They know EXACTLY what to say and when to say it.

teke

hi jessica

i agree with all the othuers, my addict is my hubby, for 20 yrs, i have been hearing words with no actions to follow and i believe he intents to do well but his addiction intends to be stronger. i am sitting here in the dark and i really do intent to have light in here but its not going to come on unless i get up and do what it takes to cause it to come on.

minnie

What is it you want to say, Jess?

best

If you listen carefully, you would find that we don't know what we are saying and many times we don't say it when we should.
I lost count of how many times I must have thought...Wow, I can't believe she bought that one. I think it may be about as many times as I thought...why didn't she buy that one? It was one of my best ever?

I have never seen a word fit so well as ...QUACK to explain what we may say.

JessicaNAJ

I'm almost afraid to post this b/c it's the same ole story and I think, Minnie, that you already know.

He's been here for 3-4 weeks and has managed to blow each paycheck before he decides to come back (yes, he has stayed gone ALL weekend without calling). But I'm (i guess) blinded when he calls and gives me the "reasons" why his check is gone, he paid this person back, he paid off this check, blah blah....he's still blowing $40-$80 at the bar that he could be giving me toward food...But I try to be understanding and don't overreact b/c I don't want to be the cause of a senseless arguement... The first week he did give me some money. The second week he didn't come back from work, called me the next day, talked about he paid all this stuff off and how he really wanted to give me money for food and the sitter, blah blah blah....I just said, "Do you feel like you accomplished something?" He said he did and I left it at that. The next weekend, he got his guitar out of pawn (yep....the one I got out for him a couple months ago) and lent some of his money to his friend to put toward an amp his friend had in pawn, came home that night. In this morning he told me he was irritated b/c he friend didn't pay him back yet and he was wanting to give me money and this whole long speal about this guy paying him back. I told him he was going to have to start bringing money in here too. He left later that day...didn't see or hear from him for two days...his reason for not calling or coming back, he didn't have any money and didn't want to try to explain it to me only for me to not understand.

Here we are again, friday..he didn't come back after work, probably won't see him all weekend, but I believe I can take comfort in the fact that he'll show up when his money's gone, like he does each weekend....AND THAT IS JUST CRAZY!!! He say's he just want to be himself....I'm really trying. But this is getting rediculus.

....I'm sick of it!!!! He needs to contribute and I know that if I don't find a way to tell him calmly, I'm going to blow...that's not healthy for me.

Not that I expect me telling him with change anything, but at least I'll know that I did tell him. I've tried to let it go...give him the benefit of the doubt, to see if he'd give me some money on his own (b/c he would say to me, I was going to give you money, but now that you're asking, it's like I'm only giving it to you b/c you asked) and that's proven to not work.

I'm thinking of just telling him.....I've tried to let it go, give you the benefit of the doubt, to see if you'd give me some money on your own, but that hasn't worked. So, I need you to start giving me $??? each week. See, that sounds confrontational and controlling, I'm trying to not do that. But obviously he can't "choose" to give me money so I have to try something. (I'm doing ok financially (he don't know that), but this is NOT right AT all...he needs to help out.)

JessicaNAJ

You know....I've been doing that, and there are a lot of time he just don't make sense?? At all!!! When I tell him that what he say don't make sense, he gets defensive and changes the subject to me just not getting it. when in reality....he don't make sense.

The other day, I was on the phone with him. Out of the blue, in the middle of the phone call, he tells me he's going to go inside. We were on the phone, why would he tell me that? It made no sense. He said he was just making conversation. Isn't there usually a point to a conversation?

minnie

Where's the problem with saying:

"If you live in this house, then I require you to contribute. I have worked it out to $x. If you don't do this, then I will have to ask you to leave."

Are you prepared for him to leave? If not, then you have no alternative but to put up and shut up.

best

I had holes in my pockets. It must have fallen out.

You can't make sense out of nonsense. I understand his every action and word because I lived it. I still can't explain it to others well enough that they could make sense of it though. Non-sense doesn't make sense.

JessicaNAJ

That's his issue though, right?

best

His issues till the bills can't get paid then you either adjust some more and work harder or set boundaries and Hold them in place.