JessicaNAJ

Thank you Chris!! I need a good laugh.

FormerDoormat

You got that right. The question is, how long are you willing to put up with his craziness? You're the only one who can stop the madness.

You know, Jess, you say that G. says things that "give you hope." But Equus says that she sees "effort" in D. See the difference?

By giving you false hope, G. is manipulating you--trying to get you to believe he wants to change so he can continue on his merry way of drinking, you taking on all his responsibilities, and then not contributing emotionally or financially to you or your children. And so, far, this has worked well for him.

Equus' hubby, on the other hand, is making a concerted effort to change. He's making an effort to change and showing her that he's serious by his ACTIONS.

The way I see things is that D. is walking the walk and G. is just talking the talk.

See the difference?

FriendofBill

When the talk, matches the walk, the man means business.

Until then, he doesnt. Period.

ASpouse

Geez Jess, nothing like putting all your cards out on the table.

Honesty and truthfulness works from both sides his and yours. You are doing your part, is he doing his?

ASpouse

Jessica reading your posts you simply have no confidence in anything you do ..... you question every damn thing you think, you say, you do, you might do, you might not do, if you lose your temper, if you don't lose your temper, everything! This is not good and so so sad, at least to me. You seem to have no self-worth whatsoever. How did this happen to you?

denny57

Jessica, this is a very good question. And I think you are asking yourself the right questions and perhaps starting to realize you do have worth. I think Mr. Clean is worried you're realizing it, too.

It's a process - one day at a time.

CatsTail

Hi Jessica,

G is manipulating you plain and simple and he has that uncanny way of a good manipulator to keep throwing hooks at you. To keep you hooked in.

Sometime ago Morning Glory posted a thread called "Hooks which keep us boundaryless in relationships" or something like that.

Sometime take a read through it, see if it rings a bell.

When we are being manipulated with hooks it leaves us feeling off-balanced and confused and as a result not able to make a good choice for ourselves.

Ngaire

P.S When I started therapy to get away from a very manipulative, abusive man my therapist recommended a book called "Men who hate women and the women who love them."
It was a real eye opener for me.

JessicaNAJ

This weekend, not only was he home by Saturday afternoon, he gave me a little money (BUT...he asked to use my car to go to the store, I offered him a ride and on the way, asked me to stop at his bosses house so he can pick up the rest of the check. Did you see a twist in that? I did.), he also cleaned the house yesterday and WON'T let me do anything to clean today. I can see where this would confuse me into thinking he was trying. AND he might be, but next weekend the same thing will happen again....He'll throw his money away and not come back here until it's gone. I'm not getting my hopes up AT all.

I told him it was nice to have him home on the weekend (b/c it was a nice weekend). He said he was going to do something about that (meaning not being gone all weekend.) I told him I'll believe it when I see it.

I have always doubted my actions when it comes to him...or other confrontational issues. I guess I try so hard to do the right thing, that I feel anything I do that could be wrong would come back to haunt me....so I question my actions to be sure it was right. (Many times I "react", but the response I get makes me question myself and then I feel like I HAVE to explain where I'm coming from) I guess I need to accept that regardless of my actions....that was how I felt at the time and be okay with it. There have been years of critism behind me which cause me to doubt myself. I have a lot of emotional and mental damage.....I am working on it. Thank you for pointing that out. It gives me something else I need to look at about myself.

laurie6781

Jess I am going to make a suggestion, that everyone may not agree with.

Instead of, for right now "looking at yourself" and "something else I need to look at about myself." Just start doing the next right thing in the day for you and the kids. The heck with G. Just do the next right thing for the kids and you. Don't question it, don't double or triple think it, go with your gut. Do this for the next 2 or 3 weeks.

I think you will be amazed at the difference in your attitude about yourself at the end of this experiment. Don't question, JUST DO. You will actually start to see that you do have GOOD INSTINCTS.

Just do the next thing in the day. No questions, no doubts, just do it. Let us know how you are doing. I do believe this will calm the committee in your head, when the committee realizes your not listening to their nonsense for the next few weeks. Remember Just Do.

Hope this helps to bring a little 'inner peace' to you at a time when you need it so bad.

Love and hugs,

LaTeeDa

Good advice above from Laurie. When you do what's right, no matter what anybody is telling you, you can't go wrong.

The other thing I noticed is that G seems to be doing everything he can to take your mind off the real problem. Sure he can clean house, do laundry, buy you flowers, etc. etc. etc. But what about the REAL problem? All those other things can suck you in and make you think that he's trying, but the fact remains that he is not trying to stop his addiction. All those other things are just window dressing to get your focus off the real problem. And it seems to be working.

JMHO,

L

StandingStrong

Jessica, others have posted some wonderful insights. I hope that you start to realize that you truly are a good, caring, loving person - and start applying that giving nature of yours to yourself.
(((Jessica)))

FormerDoormat

I second the good advice from Laurie. It's worth a try....

CatsTail

This is good advice, when I began to trust my gut and listen to it that is when I could take control of my life and make good choices for me.

Ngaire

elizabeth1979

Self worth came for me, when I demanded respect.

I saw that others in my life would a) listen, if I meant it... or b) if they didnt, then buh bye, because I believed I was worth more and I have no space in my life for people who cant be respectful of me and my wishes.

I had to believe I deserved it before anyone would give me respect.

elizabeth1979

Everytime I listened to the talk, not the walk...my self worth went down the toilet.
There is something very self assuring about standing up for myself!

JessicaNAJ

Thank you guys.....practice practice. I'll keep you posted.