pmaslan

that's why i am thinking Drew is the A.......

love has absolutely nothing to do with it........

Missy

I tried the "if you love me you would change" but my sponsor in Al-anon said if AH doesnt change because he loves himself and wants to change than no other love can do it.....
that is why I think they need to hit bottoms to make that surrender... and now I KNOW that we too must hit our own bottom to surrender in our own way.
I today do not know what either of our bottoms are. I cant control his, but I can control mine... make sense??
karen xo

pmaslan

Karen...I'm not sure that one can contol their bottom....
I think once one hits it only then can they control anything
about themself....JMO

Missy

Patty:
I agree. I know I am anxious. I stay connected to my HP and it isnt easy to sit back and wait while the homefront sees nothing different.
I just hope and pray my AH's bottom isnt death and that is where I am told he is headed.
Two people in my Al-anon group in the past 6 mos lost their A's. How scarey is that.
Thanks for the reminders.

pmaslan

Yes it is very scary Karen. I saw my A near death more times than I
can even remember. As much as we love them and care, we can not
control their bottom and worry about their dying.
The best thing and only thing we can do is take care of ourselves.
I am very happy to hear you are attending Al-anon.

drew_61

that's why i am thinking Drew is the A.......

love has absolutely nothing to do with it........
__________________

I am the "A". I think I have the attitude I have partially because while I am an alcoholic, the only person I tortured through my drinking was myself. I never said hateful things, I never had to support myself with the couch, endtable, etc. while walking. I never held anyone hostage in my home or raised a hand to anyone. Nobody threatened me to get sober, I never drove while buzzed and I never lost my job.
I have seen many alcoholics blame their spouses for their drinking and I think that sucks! I AM an A...and I know that I am the one who decides whether or not I drink. I KNOW that if my girlfriend gave me an ultimatum, booze or her...you'd better believe I'd choose her. I feel that the whole "it's the disease" approach gives alcoholics a reason to screw up. I know it's not easy to leave somebody, I really do. It makes me angry that other A's are drinking and treating their spouses badly. I hope that some of the folks in bad situations here can find counseling to build their self esteem and be freed from this cycle of abusive behavior.

slowburn

[QUOTE=laurie6781]I can tell you what part of it is.......We alkie/addicts are the BEST MANIPULATORS (CON MEN AND WOMEN) in the world.

We can sell refrigerators to Eskimos and we make great Used Car Sales Personnel.[QUOTE]

Having been a senior manager at a white goods retailer I can testify to that!

denny57

Drew - I'm confused. Do you still drink or not? Did your gf give you that ultimatum?

I agree with a lot of your other points.

pmaslan

Thank Drew, I too am wondering some of the things that Denny has asked.

Thank you for answering my previous questions.
I agree not all A's (alcoholics) are a like.
Mine was very similar to the way you are or were.
Although he did loose his job and he did choose alcohol over me.
Again as it has been said before, it is not the alcohol that
makes them choose this behaviour it is the underlying components
and alcohol is just a good excuse as a cover for them, for the A
and for the codependant.

elizabeth1979

This is HUGE for me.

Living the way I lived with D was degrading and abusive.
Some alcoholics are not like that, the one I lived with was.

Im not sure about this either. I couldnt control mine. It is what it is.

I also think that my recovery in the early stages, was a manipulative attempt to get him to reach his bottom. As in....If he sees me reading this book, going to al anon, he will realize that he has a problem, bc its affecting me!

Lame.

I am still in recovery, but not with him. It has nothing to do with him. My bottom has nothing to do with anyone elses bottom. My recovery is about me choosing to be healthy and happy.

Missy

I think we all go through this... only our timing is different in each one of us.
How often we just want to fix it and be done with it... it took me a long time, even after admitting I cant fix my AH to STOP trying to make things better.
Because of this site and al-anon... I believe I'm getting there.
karen xo

Zoey

Hi rew, I see you signed in this month, this year.

Have you tried sobriety before and how long sober this time, would you mind shareing?? Are you posting on AA also, many of us find withdrawal is really horrible, notice I said some, always exceptions. each A is different, just as all humans are different.

Zoey

PS: Drew I did not put that face on one above and will try to find what is wrong if it appears on this one ?????

ASpouse

How do you KNOW that Drew since you've never been put in that situation? If you are an alcoholic who had to drink due to a physical need for alcohol, do you really think you would have chosen your girlfriend over alcohol?

If you think the disease concept of alcoholism gives alcoholics an excuse to relapse or drink more, then you really don't understand alcoholism at all. Do you go to Alcoholics Anonymous or any sort of support group for your drinking problem? From my personal experience with alcoholics and alcoholics recovering from drinking, you do not sound as if you are. You are too critical of others who are suffering just as you are or as you were.

IF you do go to some sort of support group for your "affliction" then I apologize, but it doesn't sound like a very compassionate group that's for sure.

ChildlikeFaith

Many alcoholics believe that they would quit drinking if they had to choose. In fact, last summer, I told my husband to choose between me and the alcohol. He said that he chose me and went to a meeting every day for a month, got a sponsor, and looked like he was doing great. Unfortunately, since he was doing all for the wrong reasons, it didn't work, and he began to drink again. Now he's homeless and has lost his wife, his job, his kids, his home, and all of his friends. It isn't because he chose the alcohol. It is because he chose not to get help

ASpouse

Melissa, I think what you have written in your last post was one of the best things I have read here in a long time! Thanks for writing.

Cynay

I dont think any Alcoholic sits there with drink in hand and thinks that ...Ok, today I will loose my wife, kids, home ...etc

The disease is a progressive one, therefore they dont start drinking knowing what the end result will be and make informed choices... other people can drink, some are even heavy drinkers and they dont have issue, but its different for an Alcoholic, there reaction is not only mental but physical ... and there comes a time when they hit bottom.... hopefully then they get help, but some still done.

JMHO

elizabeth1979

I dont think alcoholism would be a disease if it allowed alcohlics the opportunity (while in active addiction) to see clearly.

If I was Drews girlfriend..
note to self: give ultimatum to stop drinking or else

If it was only that easy...

minnie

Why has this thread turned into the whys and wherefores of alcoholics and alcoholism?

I am attracted to certain people because of what's inside ME as much, and I would say more so, than what's inside THEM. Or that's what certainly drove my unhealthy attractions in the past. I needed to fix, I needed to believe the BS, I needed to rescue, I needed to divert my attention from my own issues. I didn't know what was acceptable, I had no boundaries. I modelled myself on the Patron Saint of Lost Causes (St Jude?). I was a martyr, a victim and a volunteer.

I have my fingers tightly crossed that as I get healthier, I meet, attract and am attracted to healthier people.

denny57

Brilliant!