deettah

Steve, you made my cry. I have been listening to those very words a lot lately trying to believe them. Thank you.

steve11694

Hi Deetah and thank you.

that song has made me cry on occasion. though it could certainly be relevant to losing someone to alcoholism, it was losing someone to another person when that song touched me.

strangely enough she broke up with that "other person" and we got back together. eventually i realized her childish immaturity would not let it work.

lately the songs that give me courage, inspiration, and tears in coping with my aw include

miracle drug
sometimes you cant make it on your own
stuck in a moment
==================================================



addiction is such a b a s t a r d ..
be well

meli2005

:Weightlif HI Karen,

Its good to be open/honest. Sometimes the honest truth is hard to admit. It sounds so crude... It is. I know how you feel, been there....

I think the important thing you need to think about is BOUNDARIES. What are you willing to live w/in your home. Is drinking going to be part of your home life, it does nothing but add misery it seems.

Just think about that.

Missy

Sounds like as we are going through all this "stuff" we are greiving as though they are gone. I sometimes feel that way and often think that if and when he would just die or take his own life... how I would really take it since I already have been greiving the loss of the true man I fell in love with. Because when they are intoxicated for soooo long, you have a tendency to forget what our A's are really like. Then you come across pictures, cards etc that abruptly remind you and you cry a greif.

I'm so thankful I reluctantly started this thread to find an overwelming amount of information and support... thanks to all of you (())
karen xo

steve11694

Karen,

i know about the fotos, the memories. i have learned to use them for inspiration and hope.

it is seeing our 5 year daughter that gets to me. i see so much of her lovely mother in her face that i cry and think about the pre-alcohol person.

on alcoholic beverages is there such a warning to the effect;

"alcohol can be addicting, can lead to insanity and/or death, and can tear your family apart"

guyinNC

Thanks Steve,

Yeah the family photos. We have a family portrait on the wall......from the good times, when my family was whole. I don't know what to do with it anymore.

Missy

you know what? my AH wont surrender if his life depended on it... He said a true AH so he says, would be in a gutter. He said he has a good home, some $$ stashed and functional at work. I told him obvoiusly he doesnt understand how many professionals drink too much... so why do I go to al-anon? DA... he cant figure that out either.
anyway, most think for him to hit bottom is for me to leave. My anger here is why should I be the one to go... AH put his heals into the ground and wont budge.... he think he has me! Maybe he does. So messed up we get hey?
xo

Cynay

Maybe take down that family photo and have one taken of the Family as it is today???

You can alway store the old one for the kids in some future date... but looking at that photo day in and out is only hurting you right now....

Missy

know what? I have some photos of when AH is intoxicated. The distant satan look on his face and bobbling around like a bobblehead.... I just may take one and put it into a small frame I have for the night stand.
Wonder how that would go over? and why should I care. cant get any worse i guess.
I could tell you what AH would do but I'll save that till later.
xo

drew_61

Wow...some of these stories are hideous. Karen is right, nobody makes their alcoholic drink. One thing I have seen in meetings in the past and even on these SR forums is a tendency for the drinking spouse to blame the non-drinking spouse for their drinking, relapses, etc. It's ridiculous. I'm gonna throw this idea out there, and I hope nobody gets ultra-pissed off at me...please try a zero tolerance approach. Let your Alcoholic know that from this day forward, you will tolerate nothing but 100% sobriety in your home. If you stick to your guns and make it clear that he or she will have to choose between you and their addiction, a whole lot of alcoholic spouses will magically find a way to stay sober. This whole "it's the disease" excuse really irritates me, because I feel the alcoholic uses it to his/her advantage when it comes to relapsing and drinking. Again, I put this out there only in the spirit of helpfulness. My sincere apologies if I do offend anybody here...

LaTeeDa

The key to this approach, though, is you have to be prepared to back it up. Threats do not work, and if the alcoholic refuses to stop drinking, then you must back up your boundary. I have never heard of an A getting sober because of a threat. I would think it might take the actual pain of losing a spouse. And for some, even that isn't enough to get them to stop.

JMHO,

L

pmaslan

I was thinking the same thing LTD
I gave that a shot with my ex, told him no more
would be tolerated and if it continued out you go.
Well he doesn't live with us anymore, so you can
see the choice he made and yes I did back it up.

denny57

It's why I didn't make the decision lightly. I had to know in my heart that asking my AH to leave if he could not chooses sobriety might mean he'd be gone forever. It's been 8 months since we last spoke, by his choice.

I've been through a lot in my life and the most difficult thing I've ever done is walk away from someone I love. It was a painful choice for me but today I am very happy I did it. I still pray for his recovery. I wish I could have been convinced 2 years ago that I would feel this good, but it took me a little while. Even then I had a lot of fear doing it.

There is a Corra Harris quote I always applied to my work: "The bravest thing you can do when you are not brave is to profess courage and act accordingly." One day it hit me (better than a 2x4 or brick in my opinion) that I needed to apply it to my personal life.

Pick-a-name

I know what you mean about the pictures... I did see some recent ones and most of AH have "that look";impatient,angy,buzzed,etc. and I put them on the refrig. to remind me (he hasn't lived in our home for a long while) what he is REALLY like right now.........not what he is like in my mind. We have been together 30yrs and the number of good years far exceeded the bad,so when I am not around him,I still think of him BEFORE......just having lots of "bad days".....not. Seeing those pictures is slowly reminding me of the truth and why he is not living with us;why he could not come back unless he was sober and in recovery.

The other pictures I really don't like to look at......I took sooooo many.haha I am (or was) the family "photographer".

aztchr

Almost every picture I have has my ex with a drink in his hand. Even if I asked him to put it down for a second, he wouldn't. When he's not working, he's rarely with an empty glass. Unfortunate, but true.

I think he's glad I left. It's a little sad to me that he could let everything we had built together just end. Maybe that's how he copes with it. If someone doesn't like what he says or does, then it's their problem. I remind myself that this is progressive and maybe one day he'll see how happy and different his life could be. Maybe he just doesn't care. Unfortunately, he may never decide to change. This is what I had to realize and couldn't accept putting my life on hold waiting for him. It sounds so selfish, but necessary for my own peace. Putting myself first and being ok with that is what I have to work on daily.

Denny--Your quote is a great reminder! Sort of like fake it, til you make it.
Leaving someone I love was the hardest for me, too, but I love myself more and couldn't keep sacrificing my own health.

Zoey

drew 61, I am never offended. We are each where we are.

We cannot change them, it doesn't register as the alcohol is totally in controll.

One has to be ready to move out if they tell the A , "me or the bottle", most choose the bottle, notice I said most, as there are exceptions.

They have to be free of alcohol for well over a year before they know who they are or what they want.

denny57

A whole lot won't. More people would make the threat and stick to it if they believed your statement was true. Which is why I always maintain, in this particular instance, to come at it from the worst that could happen: he/she stays gone for good. You have to be willing to accept that - otherwise they become what others have talked about - idle threats.

drew_61

The key to this approach, though, is you have to be prepared to back it up. Threats do not work, and if the alcoholic refuses to stop drinking, then you must back up your boundary. I have never heard of an A getting sober because of a threat. I would think it might take the actual pain of losing a spouse. And for some, even that isn't enough to get them to stop.


Well, I guess my point is that if they don't love you enough to really change...then, you are better off without them. Some of the stuff I've read here is sickening. Spouses camped out in the hallway to prevent other spouse from leaving, abusive behavior...no one can be better off with a spouse like that. Bottom line...we are the only ones who control whether or not we pick up a drink. If these A spouses would rather drink than enjoy the support of a family, then let them go. It is better than being devalued every day of your life. Thanks for your replies, folks...I hope things get better for everyone here.

pmaslan

Drew 61 not familar with your story...are you a spouse of an alcoholic
or are you the alcoholic? Your response is very good but it takes time
for some to come to terms with this and leave. Living with an alcohoic
takes a tremendous toll on one's self esteem. Personally, I must say
that my self esteem was in to toilet prior to meeting the A in my life.
Had I not felt the way I did about myself I would never have become
involved with him to begin with. After months and months of Alanon,
private therapy and SR I found what you said to be very true.
Today, I no longer have an A in my life and continue on my own road
of recovery.....it's a time thing I am afraid.....

ASpouse

Sigh .......... love has absolutely nothing to do with it.